[fic] Turning Back
we have 6 entries this time for Sho's Birthday Fanfiction Contest. voting for your favorite fic will be open starting today until February 01, 2012. okay, here are the fics for your reading pleasure and well, happy 30th birthday to Sho!
ENTRY 01
TITLE: Turning Back
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 8,721 words
NOTES: n/a
I woke up, and I was seventeen again.
It was weird. I could have sworn that I was 29 years old the last time I was conscious. I could have sworn that I had a hectic schedule with News ZERO, variety show filming, and a couple of magazine photoshoots and magazine interviews. It wasn’t that I wasn’t used to it-it was just that I was running on only one hour of sleep and I felt sort of feverish.
My manager insisted that he drive me home last night because I shouldn’t be driving when I wasn’t feeling well, but I insisted that I was fine; it was normal for me to drive with little to no sleep already. Before he could stop me, I was already in my car and speeding off the agency parking lot. The rest was one big blur.
…Wait a minute.
I remembered making a sharp turn as soon as I got out of the agency parking lot … I think that I must have been hit by something … something huge.
I was in an accident, that’s for sure, and I’m supposed to be dead. However, I can’t find any explanations as to why I’m seventeen again and in my bedroom back when I was still living with my family. What is all this? Am I in a coma or in limbo, when one is halfway between life and death? Is this what my limbo looks like?
I couldn’t help but look at my surroundings. Despite my age (at least, mentally), I could still remember things the way they were before. I remembered hanging posters of soccer players on the wall nearest my bed. My bookshelf was still stacked with TIME magazines, high school books, and books that will prepare me for Keio next year. The calendar in my desk was flipped to October 1999, one month after that month when my life, as I knew it, changed forever.
However, there was something odd on my desk. There was a small, black ball that reminded me of Gantz. I knew that it was out of place in my desk because I wasn’t a huge Gantz fan until Nino landed the lead role.
As I left my bed and approached my desk, the ball suddenly lit up. The words “You have been given a second chance” appeared on its surface.
“Second … chance?” I repeated out loud. So I’m alive though just thrown back in time?
The words disappeared and were replaced with “You have three years to make things right.”
“Make things right?” I asked in confusion. “Like what?”
“Figure it out for yourself.” And with that, “Gantz” shut down.
I sighed as I put the black ball down and went to gaze at the view from my bedroom, which was in front of the entrance of our house. I have been transported back in time and had been given a second chance in life provided that I “make things right” within three years. This was definitely a lot better than dying or being forced to kill aliens.
But … “make things right?” What do I make right, exactly? Although there had been a rift between me and my parents over my chosen career path, we’ve gotten along just fine after that. I’m not the top student, but I have done well in Keio. I didn’t get myself into so many scandals, and I am proud of my life as an idol. There isn’t anything that I’d like to take back … well, maybe some questionable hairstyles but nothing of grave consequence.
Suddenly, I could make out a familiar car speeding inside the house. It was my manager (he hasn’t changed cars for the past twelve years), which meant that I had important idol stuff to do. I looked at my calendar, which had October 8 circled in red. There, in huge, bold letters, “Music Station” was written. It was our first Music Station appearance.
First Music Station appearance? Oh God.
The transparent suits.
*
My manager and I drove to TV Asahi in silence. I couldn’t help but feel nervous, and, no, it wasn’t just because of the transparent suits. It was more because of them-my bandmates. Call it weird, but I felt really nervous to be seeing them, to see how they-and we-were back then though I was pretty sure that nothing had changed.
“You okay in there, Sho-kun?” my manager asked, breaking the silence.
I managed a smile. “I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’m just feeling nervous, that’s all.”
“Ah, that’s normal; it’s your first Music Station appearance, after all,” my manager said lightly. “Don’t worry-you guys will do great. You’ll leave the studio having made a big impression in the entire country!”
Tell me about it.
I felt my heart throbbing fast as we arrived in the studio and walked the hallways of TV Asahi. Relax, Sakurai, I kept telling myself. It’s just my bandmates.
I was too focused on trying to calm myself down that I didn’t notice that I had already entered our dressing room, not until I felt that I was being thrown back on the ground following a high-pitched squeal of “Sho-kun~”
When I snapped back to reality, a sixteen-year-old Matsumoto Jun was on top of me, giving me a goofy grin. “O-Oh, hi, MatsuJun,” I said as soon as he got off, lending me a hand to help me get up.
Jun frowned, but it was instantly gone. I had almost forgotten what he looked like before-tall, gangly, and energetic. I suppose that I had long gotten used to the serious, perfectionist, and hardworking Matsumoto Jun.
He was also wearing his transparent suit already. The sight already made me felt uncomfortable even though I had already worn it more than once in my lifetime.
Jun caught me staring at him, and his face instantly turned into a bright shade of pink. “I-It’s our costume,” he stammered. “The stylists weren’t able to finish it on time, so-“
“Oi, Sho-chan!” came Nino’s bratty voice. He, too, looked unamused by the costume that he was wearing, and he was poking a sleepy Satoshi into wakefulness. “Aren’t you gonna go and get changed? We’re going live in a few minutes!”
I groaned as Jun gave me the costume that I am about to wear. And then, we couldn’t help but laugh when Masaki started squealing gleefully “I can see my nipples!” before being berated by Nino for being “such a pervert,” after which he clung to Satoshi as soon as the older man stirred awake.
It actually felt like I hadn’t gone back in time.
Soon, they called us because the show was about to start.
“I swear to God that I’m not going to wear this costume ever again,” I heard Nino mumbling. “Even if Old Man Johnny paid me to.”
Oh, Nino, if you only knew.
And thus, my career as an idol has restarted.
*
Before I knew it, a year went by so quickly. But then again, we had just debuted, and we had so many guest performances, photoshoots, and interviews that we had to go to. If anything good came out from coming from the future, it was that I am least stressed with the sudden flurry of activities. I remembered blowing up because I had my exams in the midst of idol work, but now, everything felt more manageable.
“You’re so cool, Sho-kun, did you know that?” Jun told me once when we are hanging out in a café near the agency. I had almost forgotten that it had been our habit to hang out in cafés after a long day of work.
I calmly sipped my orange juice, though I couldn’t help but feel flattered. The Jun I knew in the future doesn’t shower me that much with comments, not to my face, anyway. “What makes you say that?” I asked.
Jun didn’t look at me in the eye. “It’s just that … we’re doing tons of stuff, and you have Keio, and you’re not even that stressed! It’s like you’ve been an idol all your life!”
If he only knew.
I simply shrugged. “It’s difficult, but I do my best to manage my time and not blow up.”
“That’s cool,” Jun remarked. “You know, when we were Juniors, you were really scary.”
“Huh…” I said uncomfortably. How can I not forget?
“You used to yell at people a lot,” he continued. “And throw stuff. You threw your notebook at me once.”
I blinked rapidly. I did? How come I don’t remember? Then again, I couldn’t remember most of the times when I’ve exploded in anger.
“Yeah …” I resorted myself to saying. “I’m trying to change now.”
“You can do it, Sho-kun!” Jun said encouragingly, almost knocking off his glass of orange juice.
I grinned; Jun’s enthusiasm was catchy. “I’ll do my best.”
*
“But Charlie’s Angels looks good!”
“Just because people are talking about it doesn’t mean it’s a good film overall.”
I had almost forgotten about the times when Jun and I would go to the movies together. Or maybe going to the public theaters in general without being mobbed by a ton of fans.
“Fine, you pick.”
I had also almost forgotten how much our tastes in movies clash …
“Battle Royale?”
“But that’s gory!”
… and most of the time, we don’t end up watching at all.
“You know what? Let’s just … think of something else to do.”
“…Fine. How about we just go read manga in your place or something?”
“That’s sounds like a good idea.”
*
Every weekend, I would drop by Jun’s place to tutor him. Admittedly, he’s a really brilliant student. At that time, he just didn’t have the confidence, and I also needed to help him balance idol work with schoolwork.
“Do you think you get it?” I asked as I finished explaining the quadratic equation to him.
Jun scratched his head then looked at the Dragon Ball Z poster hanging above his head as if it had all the answers. Then, he heaved a huge sigh. “I don’t know, Sho-kun …”
I used to get angry at him for not getting such a simple equation (now that I think about it, I was just easily hot-headed and cocky about my intelligence back then), but I managed to control myself. “How about this? I’ll walk you through a few sample exercises, then you’ll work on some on your own.”
Jun looked sort of relieved. “Okay, I’ll give it a shot.”
Every time Jun would score high on a test, I couldn’t help but feel really proud. I always knew that he had it in him.
*
Slowly, I started to realized that maybe I knew what “Gantz” meant by “make things right.” Looking back, I had a lot of things right for me already-a great (and eventually supportive) family, an amazing group of bandmates, a great education in one of the best universities in Japan, and a budding idol career ahead of me. I suppose I didn’t get to appreciate it much back then because I was so focused on being angry and all the unnecessary insecurities and issues. I took so many things and people for granted.
Especially one person.
I supposed it was that night, a few months after the first year before my three-year deadline with “Gantz” ends. (I already have a feeling on what would happen if I don’t manage to make things right in a span of three years, and I’d rather not focus on the what ifs.) It was four-thirty in the morning, and I had just finished studying for my Macroeconomics test in a couple of days. I decided to listen to a CD to help myself get to sleep, and then suddenly, the phone rang.
It was Jun. “Hello, Sho-kun, are you busy?”
“Well, I’m listening to my CD …”
I paused, a similar incident from my previous life flashing back to me.
Jun calling me at four in the morning, asking me what I was doing. Me telling him that I was listening to my CD, then hanging up on him.
Oh, God.
“Sho-kun?” I realized that Jun was still on the other end of the line.
I snapped back to reality. “Oh, sorry about that,” I apologized though I the conversation continued to flash back on my mind. “I managed to space out, that’s all.”
Jun chuckled, fortunately enough. “Still stressed, huh? It’s okay, I can call tomorrow morning, if you want.”
“Uh, that would be much better, Jun…”
There was a pause on the other line. “Something wrong?” I asked.
“No, that’s not it,” Jun said in a low voice. “It’s just …” He gulped. “You haven’t called me ‘Jun’ for awhile now.”
Oh. Now that he mentioned it, I always called him “MatsuJun” or “Matsumoto-kun.” I called him “Jun” during the Beautiful World Tour in Nagoya and got bashful for it because … when was the last time I called him “Jun”? Before we debuted…? God, that long ago?
“I haven’t, have I?” I finally managed to say, playing with the telephone cord.
“Yeah…” Jun sounded embarrassed for pointing it out. “B-But! If you wanna call me MatsuJun, that’s okay with me!”
“‘MatsuJun’ is cool,” I told him. “But …” I couldn’t help but break into a grin. “I guess I miss calling you ‘Jun,’ too.”
“R-Really?” Jun’s voice came more like a squeak.
I chuckled; Jun was so adorable. “How about Macchan, then? Shall I call you that, too?” I asked lightly.
“I-If you w-want to…” Jun stammered. “But, really, ‘Jun’ is fine, really!”
He was lying, I bet. “Okayyy, that’s what you said~” I said in a singsong voice.
I had forgotten that we were supposed to hang up on each other a couple of hours ago, and we ended up chatting about a lot of things. By the time I checked my clock, it was already seven in the morning, and I could hear Jun already snoring in the other line.
“Good night, Macchan~” I whispered before hanging up, stunned by my newfound revelation. I then turned my gaze towards “Gantz”, which was still on the same spot where I left it a year ago. “It’s Jun, isn’t it? I need to make things right with Jun?”
“Gantz” glowed again, with the following words surfacing: “Two more years left.”
*
Our fans had called it the Ice Age. I remembered Mai showing me this blog dedicated to just the two of us and our relationship throughout the years. (They even have a name for us-Sakumoto or Bambi. As if Ohmiya wasn’t bad enough.) I had casually browsed through it and never gave a second look (you know how fans are and their imaginations), but slowly I realized that most of what was written there were true.
Jun and I were close during our Junior years. We hung out a lot, talked and opened up to each other about a lot of things. And then, we debuted, and a couple of years after that, it all stopped. One day, Jun just stopped talking and hanging out with me a lot.
To be honest, I didn’t think too much into it before. Back then, I had just assumed that he had grown out of his awkward, teenage state and was trying to find his own personality. And maybe it’s mostly true. But then, I chose to ignore that change and went along with it, though now that I think about it, I find myself asking for his attention every now and then. Maybe I had missed the Jun that I hung out with.
What had happened? Then again, back then, I wasn’t composed. I was an angry, angsty teenager, overwhelmed by idolhood, schoolwork, the expectations of my family and peers, as well as my own expectations.
I had pushed Jun away because of that.
And so, the Ice Age began.
It sucked that I only realized this now, but what are second chances for? This time, I’m going to prevent that Ice Age from happening. I’m going to fix the broken relationship that I had with Jun back then. I’m not going to screw up.
I have two more years left. I am going to make things right.
*
A year passed, and things were getting frustrating already. I was doing my best, trying not to take advantage of Jun, not to blow up at him, not to hurt him in any way. Yet, Gantz wasn’t giving me a sign that I was making things right. What else do I need to do?
I found myself being a short fuse these days. I was back to being that hot-headed Sakurai Sho that I was from my past. This wasn’t good.
“God, Sakurai, what happened to your anger management classes?” Nino once remarked when I snapped at one of the camera crew during our PV shoot for accidentally throwing out some of my reviewers (which he thought were papers that needed to be thrown out, per director’s instructions, and they managed to dig through the trash, so no further harm done, but still).
It took all of my patience (and Jun’s hand on my arm) from not lunging at Nino and beating him senseless.
The PV shoot ended without any further incident, and I ended up storming up the agency rooftop afterwards to clear my head. Little did I know that Jun had followed me there.
“Sho-kun, are you okay?” he asked in a small voice.
I let out deep breaths to calm myself down. Fortunately, Jun didn’t approach me any further, because I didn’t know what I was going to do whenever I was in my hot-headed mood. I didn’t want to hurt him in any way.
“Well, actually, no,” I admitted. “I’m just feeling pressured, that’s all.”
I was expecting Jun to ask me further, but he didn’t. But he didn’t leave his spot either. Somehow, that was reassuring enough.
And then, he suddenly stepped up and enveloped me in a hug, catching me off guard. It was not a tight hug, just him softly pressed against me, though it was enough to get my heart racing fast. What is this?
“I don’t know how else to make you feel better, Sho-kun,” Jun said. “But I hope this helps somehow. You’re not alone. I-We can help get through whatever it is you’re going through.”
I didn’t really know what to say … or what to do. I just let my hand stay limp on my sides until Jun pulled away, obviously embarrassed.
“Anyway, the others are waiting downstairs. I’ll tell them you’ll be coming down in a bit, okay?” He flashed me a small smile before scrambling downstairs.
And I just stood there, flabbergasted. Somehow, all the anger had dissipated, and all I could remember was Jun’s warmth.
*
A month later, I overheard this conversation among Jun, Masaki, and Nino, and I started having déjà vu. Actually, I was about to enter the green room when I heard Jun say “Sho-kun,” and I froze outside the door, listening intently to what I had to do in their conversation.
“Tell him already!” Nino insisted. “He’s being extra nice to you the past years, and he isn’t being his douchebag self anymore. That means something!”
“B-But-“
“Just take a chance, Jun-chan,” Aiba said. “You don’t have anything to lose!”
“But if Sho-kun ignores me-“
“Then we’ll beat him up!”
“Ah, Sho-kun, aren’t you entering? You’ve been standing there for a minute already.”
I froze and looked over my shoulder-Satoshi was standing right behind me. Apparently, the others heard it, too, since the conversation stopped.
The door suddenly opened, and Nino and Aiba stepped out. “Jun-kun has something to tell you,” Nino said knowingly, slinging his arm around Satoshi. “Come on, Oh-chan, I have something to show you.”
Aiba forced a smile at me before tagging along with them.
I went inside to find Jun sitting on the couch, refusing to meet my eye.
And then, I remembered.
He confessed to me during this time, didn’t he?
“I love you, Sho-kun.”
“I’m sorry, Jun, but it’s-it’s impossible,” I said before storming out of the room.
“What is it that you want to tell me?” I asked from memory as I took a seat on the chair across Jun.
Exactly as I remembered, Jun gulped and fiddled with his thumbs. “Sho-kun…” he finally said. “I-This is really hard for me to say … And I don’t know what’s going to happen to us after this … But, will you promise not to get mad at me?”
Why will I get mad at him for confessing? Oh … that’s right … I flat-out rejected him.
I shook my head. “I don’t think I will,” I said, smiling reassuringly. “Now, shoot. What is this that you wanted to tell me?”
Jun finally met my eyes; they were questioning yet hopeful. “I … I love you, Sho-kun.”
My heart skipped a bit, something that I didn’t remember feeling back then. “Y-You do?” I stammered.
Jun nodded, cheeks reddening. “I-I always have, Sho-kun! I mean, ever since we were Juniors. I thought it was just a crush, and I’d get over it… but I didn’t.” He laughed shyly. “My feelings got stronger. So… yeah…” He gulped and looked at me expectantly.
I just sat there for God knows how many moments because I was trying to calm the frantic heartbeat that was pounding in my ears and those three words that came out of Jun’s mouth replaying in my head. What do I say? How come I didn’t feel this way before?
He loved me, yeah, he told me that before. Back then, I thought his confessions and declarations of “I’m Sho-kun’s number one fan!” and “I won’t give Sho-kun to anyone!” were very convincing forms of fanservice; never in my wildest thoughts would I actually find out that it was real.
Do I feel the same way?
Do I?
I didn’t remember my heart pounding fast during the confession.
In the end, I managed to say “Jun…?”
“Y-Yeah?” Jun asked nervously.
I sighed. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” I said. “But I’m not sure of what I feel towards you at the moment.”
Jun definitely looked disappointed, but it was better than that heartbroken look that he had given me before. It hurt a lot less, now that I think about it.
“May I … think about it?” I asked.
Jun’s eyes widened in surprise, but he nevertheless nodded. “Uh … sure.”
I smiled at him sympathetically. “I’m sorry if I can’t give you an answer right away.”
“Oh, no!” Jun shook his head. “It’s okay! I’m actually okay with it … that you want to give it some thought. And there’s no rush!” he added quickly. “I can wait.” The last sentence had less enthusiasm in it, though.
He quickly left the room, leaving me still stunned.
*
It took me a couple of months to figure it out. While that was going on, Jun and I acted like nothing had happened.
Yes, I like thinking into things too much, but I think this required a lot of thinking. But I finally figured it out.
I’m in love with Jun.
That’s it.
I’m sure of it.
Because at my best and at my worst, he was always there with me. Even if some people from the agency avoided me because of my temper or because I was too cocky, he was there by my side. He always gave his time and effort for me, and slowly, I found myself giving back.
I always appreciate our late-night phone conversations. Even if we don’t have much to talk about, I just want to hear his voice.
Whenever he giggles or looks at me affectionately (at least, I think it’s affectionately), the butterflies in my stomach go wild.
Whenever we are close, I couldn’t help but put an arm around him or just make any form of contact. Never mind that he blushes-he just ends up being cute.
I kept replaying our conversations and our alone-time moments that one time my father chucked carrot sticks at me for not listening at what he was saying during dinner time.
I kept thinking about the possibility of him and me. And the future.
I care about him a lot. I care about him so much that it hurts sometimes.
I love him.
He loves me back.
But how do I tell him?
*
November 2001 was the day. I had it all planned out.
Fortunately, one of my friends from Keio (I instantly liked him because he didn’t know about Arashi prior to us being friends, and he didn’t suck up to me even after he knew) works in a theater near my house and managed to give me some advance-screening tickets.
I approached Jun one day in the green room, with Nino on the couch, once again multi-tasking between his Pokemon game and his lines for Handoku. “Are you busy this Saturday?” I had the courage to ask.
Jun shook his head. “No. Why did you ask?”
I held out two tickets in to him, the tickets to the first-day showing of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in Japanese cinemas, probably Jun’s most favorite book and movie of all time.
As expected, Jun’s reaction immediately changed. His eyes got wide, his mouth hung open, and I was suddenly assaulted with a huge hug. “Yes! Oh my God, yes, Sho-kun! I wanna watch! I’ve always wanted to watch this! Oh my God, thank you!”
I laughed, awkwardly patting him on the back before he pulled away. “Okay, good! The movie starts at four in the afternoon. Can I meet you in your house at around 3:30?”
Jun nodded enthusiastically.
I mentally sighed in relief. Asking him out-that’s one mission accomplished.
Now comes the hardest part.
*
“Sho-chan, can I talk to you?”
We were in the agency lobby that Friday night, just me and Nino, waiting for the company car to come pick us up and take us home. I was cramming the last number of my take-home exam while Nino was (still) playing Pokemon Red in his Gameboy. Jun, Masaki, and Satoshi were in the agency cafeteria to get something to eat during the ride home. I heard the music in Nino’s console stop, and he was now looking at me intently, an indication that he had something serious to talk about.
I closed my book and turned to face him. “What’s up?” I asked.
Nino was silent for a couple of seconds; it was like his deep, brown eyes were looking right through me, and it made me uncomfortable.
Finally, he spoke up. “It’s about Jun-kun.”
I blinked in surprise. “What about Jun?” We’ve never brought up a topic of conversation about Jun before, at least, not in a serious conversation like this one.
“You know how sensitive he is, right?” Nino continued. “It’s like he has a heart of glass or something.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” Why was he telling me this?
“I just want to know if you’re serious-serious about it,” Nino said with such earnestness that it threw me off guard. “Sho-chan, you’re my best friend and my bandmate, so is Jun-kun, and I would really kill you if you’re not serious about him, and you two end up-“
“I am serious about Jun,” I interrupted. “I won’t hurt him.” I meant it. I’m determined not to hurt him anymore.
Nino examined my expression carefully before shrugging. “I’m just making sure,” he said before turning on his Gameboy again. “But, honestly, I thought it’ll take you a decade before you realize it.”
“You mean you knew all along?” I sputtered out of shock. I didn’t think I was that obvious.
Nino merely smirked, the Pokemon theme song blaring all over the room once again. “I guess I’m just really perceptive when it comes to these kinds of things. Don’t blow this up, Sakurai.”
Before I could say anything else, Jun, Masaki, and Satoshi entered the room. Nino instantly pulled Satoshi next to him on the lobby couch while Masaki was still talking animatedly to Jun about squirrels.
Jun walked up to me and handed me a melon bun. “I thought you might want some-to keep you distracted from studying for a little bit,” he told me shyly.
I smiled, my heart fluttering, as I took a bite. “Thanks,” I said in between mouthfuls.
Whatever Jun was about to say was drowned out by Masaki’s gleeful “Sho-chan looks like a squirrel!” I managed an “Oi”, though whatever good-humored tirade that I had on my mind was gone when Jun started giggling.
In the corner of my eye, I can see Nino smirking at me. Damn you, Nino. Damn you.
*
“Don’t blow this up, Sakurai.”
Yeah, I get it, Ninomiya. Don’t you think I’ve been there before?
But, to be honest, I am nervous. Sure, I’ve had dates before, and I’ve probably confessed to God knows how many women before, but this is different. Jun is different. My feelings for him are real and serious, and I want things between us to work.
Saturday came, and I spent an extra hour making sure that I look okay before leaving for Jun’s house. Jun was already halfway out of the door when I arrived. He had this certain glow on him that I couldn’t place. Not that I was complaining.
“Ready to go?” I asked, grinning.
Jun grinned back. “More than ready!” he piped up, linking his arm around mine as he walked to the theaters.
Me and the Jun from my previous life have already watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone together, so I basically breezed through the whole movie. Jun, however, was bouncing throughout the movie, mouthing the lines, cheering, and thank God he didn’t notice me staring at him with a stupid grin on my face instead of the movie screen.
Jun was still enthusiastic about the movie by the time we left the theaters. “I love the movie! I really think Christopher Columbus did the book justice. Gosh, I hope the second movie will be even better!”
“I think it will be,” I lied. The Jun from my previous life didn’t like the second Harry Potter film that much. “So, dinner?”
I took him to a café in the Tokyo Tower. (I remembered a magazine interview where Jun said that Tokyo Tower was one of his ideal date places.) The café had a huge window that showed its customers the view of Tokyo, and fortunately, Jun felt sympathetic enough to ask for a table a bit far from the view. As we ate, we talked about the movie, the movies that we have to see next time, soccer, Arashi, school, and many others that I couldn’t remember. Admittedly, it helped calm my nerves.
“I had a great time, Sho-kun,” Jun told me as soon as I paid for the bill and we walked out of the tower.
I smiled. “I’m glad you did,” I said. “But hold on. I’m not taking you home just yet.”
Jun blinked in surprise. “You’re not? Why?”
I smiled at him mysteriously. “You’ll see. I have something to show you. Come on!”
We walked until we reached a small building in between a fancy restaurant and a bookstore. It’s an apartment, but my piano teacher’s music studio is in here. I asked him for the keys yesterday, telling him that I needed to use his studio for something important. He didn’t ask me what it was that I needed to do, but he gave me a duplicate key and wished me luck.
“What is this place?” Jun asked as my shaky hands finally managed to open the door.
“My piano teacher’s music studio,” I replied as we entered. I flicked the light switch on, and we took off our shoes before stepping in the carpeted hallway.
“Wow…” Jun remarked, looking at the pictures hanging on the walls. He grinned when he saw a picture of me when I was seven years old. “So this is where Sho-kun learned how to play the piano. Is your sensei here?”
“No,” I said nervously, not meeting his eye as I opened the door to the piano room. “Just you and me.”
Silence from Jun. It only made me more nervous.
Sensei’s grand piano was draped with a white cloth. I removed the cloth and placed on the side, sat down the bench, and opened the lid of the piano keys.
I looked at Jun, who was still standing, dumbfounded. “Well, don’t just stand there!” I laughed, moving a bit so that there was space on the bench for the two of us.
Jun hesitated for a bit before sitting down beside me. “Sho-kun,” he finally spoke up in a low voice. “What is this about?”
I took a deep breath. “Jun,” I started, “do you remember a couple of months ago, when you told me that you love me?”
Jun’s eyes immediately widened, his cheeks reddening out of embarrassment. Then, he nodded meekly.
“I told you that I’ll think about it, right?”
Jun nodded.
“Well, I have thought about it,” I continued, scratching the back of my head. “But I don’t know how I’ll say it. So I’m just going to tell you what I feel by playing something. Is that okay with you?”
Jun gulped and nodded again, fortunately enough.
“Listen carefully, okay?” I said softly before I turned my focus on the piano and started playing.
The song was actually a composition by my sensei, and it was one of my most favorite pieces to play. I was seven back then when I first heard it. I was in the lobby waiting for my mother to pick me up when sensei invited this beautiful lady inside the piano room, and I heard the melody. I didn’t understand what the song meant back then, though I wanted to play it myself. I secretly copied the score from sensei and practiced playing it at home.
Looking back, and when I found that score in my room, I thought this is it. This is what I exactly feel towards Jun.
When I finished playing, I turned to look at Jun, whose eyes remained wide. “Well?” I said, managing a smile. “What do you think?”
“Sho-kun …” Jun said softly. “Do you really mean it?”
I nodded earnestly.
Suddenly, Jun bit his bottom lip, and tears started brimming in his eyes. I panicked. “Wait, did I do something wrong?” I asked, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Oi, Jun!”
Jun shook his head. “You… didn’t do anything wrong, Sho-kun,” he sniffed. “I’m just happy … that you felt the same way.”
I sighed in relief. I stood up from the bench and held out my hand. “C’mere,” I told him.
Curious, Jun took my hand, and I pulled him up in an embrace. Jun gasped and stumbled, causing me to stumble as well, my back hitting the wall in the process. I could feel Jun’s heartbeat against my chest, and my heartbeat was on overdrive as well.
“I love you, Jun.” There, I managed to say it in the midst of deep breaths, and Jun clung to me tighter that it almost hurt, but I didn’t care because he was with me at that moment.
“I love you, too, Sho-kun,” Jun mumbled through my chest.
It felt right. Everything felt right.
*
It was eight in the evening when Jun and I decided to leave the studio. We were both silent as we walked to his house, though our hands were now entwined with each other. I didn’t really know what Jun was feeling at that time, though I assumed that he was soaring inside, just like me.
We felt reluctant to let each other go by the time we arrived in front of Jun’s house. I bid him “Good night” before leaning forward to brush my lips against his. I smiled into the kiss when I heard Jun squeak (no doubt, this was his first kiss), but he eventually sighed contentedly and kissed back.
When we pulled away, Jun’s face was flushed red; it was really adorable. He hesitated for a bit before stuttering “I-I love you.”
Maybe he needed to say it again, just to be sure that I really meant it, or maybe I was just overthinking. Either way, I responded with “I love you, too. I’ll see you tomorrow” before kissing him again, after which he went back inside.
My mind was probably on autopilot afterwards because the next thing I knew, I was back in my room. I resisted the urge to do a victory scream, so I ended up throwing myself on my bed and hugging my pillow so tightly that it almost burst.
I did it. I made things right with Jun. I learned not to take him for granted, I learned to appreciate everything that he did for me, and most of all, I learned to love him.
Speaking of making things right …
I got up my bed and headed towards my desk where “Gantz” was. I finally made things right, I realized. “What now?” I asked as I picked up the small, black ball.
“Gantz” glowed a dim light, words eventually forming on its surface.
Choose:
1. Stay here.
2. Go back to the present.
I blinked, making sure that I read right. I can choose to go back to the life that I knew?
What would wait for me when I choose to go back, though? My body probably wouldn’t be the same again (but then again, I hope that wouldn’t be the case). The mistakes that I have undone here would remain there in the present. The awkwardness and the distance between me and Jun would still be there.
Here, I could start over. I could give Jun all the love and the attention that I had failed to give him before I traveled back in time.
Still, part of me wanted to go back to the present, to the familiar. Maybe there are some things that are better left unchanged.
It was a hard decision to make.
“Gantz,” I said, closing my eyes, after a minute of silent contemplation. “I have finally chosen.”
I didn’t know how long I had my eyes closed, but when I opened them, I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore. It was dark, but the window from my left illuminated the room, which turned out to be a white one. My left arm turned out to be pierced with a needle connected to an IV tube. I was in the hospital.
I felt someone’s hand holding mine quite tightly. Jun. He was sleeping on a chair next to mine, chest rising up and down rhythmically. My heart skipped a beat. He was here. This was real. I was back to the present.
As if on cue, Jun stirred. He eyes fluttered open, automatically turning its gaze towards me before widening. “Sho-kun!” he exclaimed as he immediately stood up to look at me closely, though his hand never left mine.
I was a bit flustered at the proximity of our faces, but I managed a weak “Hi, Jun…” and a small smile.
Jun looked over his shoulder. “Sensei! He’s awake!” He then turned back to me, his eyes brimming with tears. “Sho-kun…”
“Glad to see me alive, huh?” I managed to say, if only to keep the mood light.
“You idiot!” Jun cried hysterically, causing me to wince. “Don’t you ever dare get into an accident again or I will kill you myself!”
I gulped; so much for keeping the mood light. “I-I won’t do it again, I’m sorry.”
To my surprise, Jun suddenly broke into a sob, pulling me in an embrace. “I’m so glad you’re okay … I-We… we were so worried …”
I ended up pressing a hand on his back, running it up and down his spine in an attempt to comfort. We stayed like that until the doctor and the rest of Arashi arrived. I sighed in relief. I was glad to be back.
*
I still had one week left before I could leave the hospital. Although my wounds have already healed, the doctors have decided that I shouldn’t leave just yet. Apparently, Satoshi told them that I might jump into work as soon as possible, which might worsen my injuries. I was pretty miffed at first, but I thought that I might as well make the most of my free time thinking about stuff at hand.
Was everything-the time travel, Gantz, the chance to make things right-all a dream? I thought that when people have a near-death experience, life flashes before their eyes. Or maybe I was really given a second chance, though I chose to live back in the present? Or maybe … it was just some weird way that my mind let me think about things that weren’t too late to make things right?
Either way, I can be sure of one thing-my feelings for Jun are real. The only problem is that the Jun of the present doesn’t know that yet.
This is officially my chance to make things right. But how do I do it, though? Sure, we have gotten closer after that “Ice Age,” (during our tenth debut anniversary, now that I remember) but the walls are still there. How do I break it?
“Helloooo? Earth to Sho-chan! Are you listening to me?”
Nino’s face was inches away from mine, and I backed up out of instinct. My head ended up hitting the wall above my headboard. I winced from the pain.
“Don’t startle me like that!” I snapped, rubbing the back of my head.
“It’s your fault for not listening!” Nino countered, smirking as he sat back down on his chair. “What’s got you spaced out, anyway?”
I frowned, not sure if I should tell him. I remembered the Nino from my “dream”; is it likely that the present Nino knows? Probably. Knowing Nino for more than a decade, he knows more about me than I know myself.
I gulped. “When I was unconscious … I think I realized something … about me and Jun.”
Nino raised an eyebrow, but he remained silent.
“I love him.”
Nino nodded as if he knew all along. (Admittedly, I wasn’t really surprised anymore.) Finally, he spoke up, “I’m surprised you’re telling this to me and not to Jun-kun, though.”
“I don’t know how to tell him, though,” I admittedly helplessly. Our date in my “dream” (the movie, dinner in Tokyo Tower, then me playing the piano) did come to mind. However, will it work the second time around? Jun may not have changed much from before, but the circumstances are completely different now. Does he still feel the same way?
Nino spoke up again, startling me from my thoughts. “When we heard that you had an accident, and by the time we saw you unconscious, Jun-kun took it the worst.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He couldn’t stop crying when he saw you unconscious,” Nino continued. “I mean, all of us were worried, and Masaki was crying a lot, too, but Jun-kun was different … I can’t really put it in the right words.
“He insisted to watch over you and wait for you to wake up, you know, last night. We insisted that we watch over you because we have more free time, and he had Lucky Seven, but he’s like you-he can be stubborn when he wants to. I don’t know if that’s what I think it is, but he obviously cares a lot about you.”
I remembered when I woke up from my “dream.” I remembered Jun’s warm hand squeezing mine tightly. I remembered his tear-stricken face and how relief washed over him when we locked gazes since I woke up.
I remembered feeling really happy for choosing to go back to the present because I hated seeing Jun cry.
“You don’t have to plan an elaborate date,” Nino said; he looked reassuring this time. “Just tell him what you feel.”
I sighed out of nervousness. Just because I managed to confess to Jun in my “dream” doesn’t mean this will be easy the second time around. Still, it was worth a shot.
*
I celebrated by 30th birthday in the hospital ward. My family dropped by in the morning, then my fellow News ZERO anchors, then Toma, Aoi, and other costars and people from the agency. My bandmates and my manager dropped by at night. Aiba and Jun had baked a cake while Ohno brought out cans of Coke. (No alcoholic beverages allowed in the hospital.) Nino then made a speech, wishing that I get well soon and that I was already old and that I should take care of my health. And then, he gave me a knowing look and a smirk before joining Ohno, who was looking out at the view from the hospital.
Time passed, and everyone soon trickled out of the room. Everyone except Jun since Nino (I’m not surprised) volunteered to clean up. I watched him as he placed the leftover cake in a Tupperware and in his bag. I couldn’t help but feel nervous; I really should say it before he leaves.
“I was a jerk, wasn’t I?” I finally managed to speak up.
“Hmm?” Jun said absentmindedly, throwing the last of the party poppers in the trash bin.
“When we were young,” I continued. “I was a jerk, wasn’t I? Especially to you.”
Jun froze and looked at me with wide eyes. And then he broke into an uncomfortable smile. “It took you long enough to realize it, huh?” he said lightly. “Did the accident make your life flash before your eyes or something?”
I managed to chuckle, only to let out the nerves. “I guess so,” I replied. “I woke up realizing a lot of things.”
“Sho-kun,” Jun said, sitting on the chair next to my bed. “I’ve already forgiven you for that. You had a lot of things in front of you back then. You were pressured. You needed to let your angry feelings out, and sometimes I was on the way. That was understandable.”
I shook my head. “Jun,” I said softly. “Yeah, I get it. I had Arashi, I had Keio. I was stressed. But you know what? I had forgotten that you were always there for me all along.”
Jun’s eyes widened again.
“You were always by my side, urging me to go on. You tried to make things bearable for me. You accepted me at my worst.” I sighed. “But I took you for granted and pushed you away.”
I could see Jun’s eyes brimming with tears already. He must be remembering the hurt and the pain that I have caused him, and it made me feel guilty.
“That’s not entirely why I decided to distance myself, Sho-kun,” Jun spoke up, his lower lip trembling. “I wanted to become someone else in Arashi, too, and not just the one who claims to be Sho-kun’s number one fan.”
“I know,” I admitted, “and I’m proud of you for that. But if I could really turn back time, I would have appreciated you more, and maybe I would have realized my feelings for you sooner.”
Jun’s eyes quickly became questioning. “…What?”
I took a deep breath. It was now or never.
“I’m in love with you, Jun. I think I always have been, even when we were Juniors. The problem is, I got so self-centered and clueless that I didn’t realize it until I got hit by a car on the way home from work. Maybe …” I felt my cheeks getting warm. “When we stopped hanging out, I’ve always felt that something was missing. I hope you’d still be willing to fill that gap again. I missed you.”
I met Jun’s eyes, wishing that he would say yes. However, part of me was dreading and expecting rejection. After all, Jun had hurt because of me, and maybe I don’t deserve a chance anymore.
That was why I was surprised when I felt Jun’s hand on top of mine, and Jun started laughing and crying at the same time.
“I’m such an idiot,” Jun said in between chuckles and sobs. “Even though you’ve hurt me and taken me for granted, and even though I’ve distanced myself from you, I’m still Sho-kun’s number one fan.”
My breath hitched.
“I tried to forget my feelings for you, Sho-kun, that was why I started distancing myself from you. I confessed to you once, and you said that it was impossible. I ignored whatever pain that came along whenever I play serious and ignore you. But every time you smile or laugh or do something amazing or dorky or just be you when it’s just the two of us, I always find myself back in square one-sixteen and in love with you.”
Jun sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand. “Maybe somewhere along the road, I’ve grown to accept that my feelings for you were one-sided, and we were better off friends. It worked, which was why I started getting close to you again. And then this happened”-he choked a bit-“and then I realized that I didn’t want to lose you, not as a bandmate, not as a friend, but something more.”
My fingers finally entwined itself with Jun’s. Jun’s hand responded with an affectionate squeeze.
Jun started chuckling again. “Stupid me for giving such a long-ass speech.” He met my eyes again, his cheeks pink, with that shyness that I recalled Jun always having when we were Juniors. “My point is, I love you, too.”
My heart could have burst then and there. “Jun,” I managed to whisper, “come here.”
Jun moved forward, and I met him halfway in an embrace. It was awkward, given the space between us, but it didn’t matter because things were finally right between me and Jun. We are together and in love with each other.
(I could have sworn that I heard Nino whooping victoriously in the background, but whether he was spying from outside or it was just my imagination didn’t matter much anymore. He and Aiba and Ohno would find out the next day anyway.)
“You’re wonderful,” I whispered, running a hand through Jun’s hair as his wet cheek brushed against mine.
“So are you,” Jun replied breathlessly. “This is why we’ll fit perfectly together.”
Eventually, we pulled away. I smiled softly at Jun before asking “Stay with me?”
Jun leaned forward to place a short, yet sweet, kiss on my lips. “Always.”
I made space in the hospital bed so that Jun could sleep beside me, our hands never leaving each other. Jun fell asleep before I did, and I couldn’t stop but me more than happy as to how peaceful his sleeping face was.
Tomorrow, I’ll be released from the hospital, and maybe Jun will drive me home. Maybe we’ll share an intimate moment or maybe we’ll just kiss and cuddle. Either way, starting tomorrow, we’ll start making up for the time lost for the past years.
And then, a thought crossed my mind. What if I could have chosen to stay in 2001, where we were young and had confessed our love for each other? Would we have been closer? Would it have made a difference?
I sighed and chose to wrap my arm around Jun, pulling him closer as I closed my eyes to drift off to sleep. I wouldn’t really know now, would I? Besides, I have chosen, and I have no regrets. I love the Jun from before, and I love the Jun now.
We have a lot of catching up to do, but I’ll cherish every moment. I know that we have all the time in our hands now.
vote here!
ENTRY 01
TITLE: Turning Back
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 8,721 words
NOTES: n/a
I woke up, and I was seventeen again.
It was weird. I could have sworn that I was 29 years old the last time I was conscious. I could have sworn that I had a hectic schedule with News ZERO, variety show filming, and a couple of magazine photoshoots and magazine interviews. It wasn’t that I wasn’t used to it-it was just that I was running on only one hour of sleep and I felt sort of feverish.
My manager insisted that he drive me home last night because I shouldn’t be driving when I wasn’t feeling well, but I insisted that I was fine; it was normal for me to drive with little to no sleep already. Before he could stop me, I was already in my car and speeding off the agency parking lot. The rest was one big blur.
…Wait a minute.
I remembered making a sharp turn as soon as I got out of the agency parking lot … I think that I must have been hit by something … something huge.
I was in an accident, that’s for sure, and I’m supposed to be dead. However, I can’t find any explanations as to why I’m seventeen again and in my bedroom back when I was still living with my family. What is all this? Am I in a coma or in limbo, when one is halfway between life and death? Is this what my limbo looks like?
I couldn’t help but look at my surroundings. Despite my age (at least, mentally), I could still remember things the way they were before. I remembered hanging posters of soccer players on the wall nearest my bed. My bookshelf was still stacked with TIME magazines, high school books, and books that will prepare me for Keio next year. The calendar in my desk was flipped to October 1999, one month after that month when my life, as I knew it, changed forever.
However, there was something odd on my desk. There was a small, black ball that reminded me of Gantz. I knew that it was out of place in my desk because I wasn’t a huge Gantz fan until Nino landed the lead role.
As I left my bed and approached my desk, the ball suddenly lit up. The words “You have been given a second chance” appeared on its surface.
“Second … chance?” I repeated out loud. So I’m alive though just thrown back in time?
The words disappeared and were replaced with “You have three years to make things right.”
“Make things right?” I asked in confusion. “Like what?”
“Figure it out for yourself.” And with that, “Gantz” shut down.
I sighed as I put the black ball down and went to gaze at the view from my bedroom, which was in front of the entrance of our house. I have been transported back in time and had been given a second chance in life provided that I “make things right” within three years. This was definitely a lot better than dying or being forced to kill aliens.
But … “make things right?” What do I make right, exactly? Although there had been a rift between me and my parents over my chosen career path, we’ve gotten along just fine after that. I’m not the top student, but I have done well in Keio. I didn’t get myself into so many scandals, and I am proud of my life as an idol. There isn’t anything that I’d like to take back … well, maybe some questionable hairstyles but nothing of grave consequence.
Suddenly, I could make out a familiar car speeding inside the house. It was my manager (he hasn’t changed cars for the past twelve years), which meant that I had important idol stuff to do. I looked at my calendar, which had October 8 circled in red. There, in huge, bold letters, “Music Station” was written. It was our first Music Station appearance.
First Music Station appearance? Oh God.
The transparent suits.
*
My manager and I drove to TV Asahi in silence. I couldn’t help but feel nervous, and, no, it wasn’t just because of the transparent suits. It was more because of them-my bandmates. Call it weird, but I felt really nervous to be seeing them, to see how they-and we-were back then though I was pretty sure that nothing had changed.
“You okay in there, Sho-kun?” my manager asked, breaking the silence.
I managed a smile. “I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’m just feeling nervous, that’s all.”
“Ah, that’s normal; it’s your first Music Station appearance, after all,” my manager said lightly. “Don’t worry-you guys will do great. You’ll leave the studio having made a big impression in the entire country!”
Tell me about it.
I felt my heart throbbing fast as we arrived in the studio and walked the hallways of TV Asahi. Relax, Sakurai, I kept telling myself. It’s just my bandmates.
I was too focused on trying to calm myself down that I didn’t notice that I had already entered our dressing room, not until I felt that I was being thrown back on the ground following a high-pitched squeal of “Sho-kun~”
When I snapped back to reality, a sixteen-year-old Matsumoto Jun was on top of me, giving me a goofy grin. “O-Oh, hi, MatsuJun,” I said as soon as he got off, lending me a hand to help me get up.
Jun frowned, but it was instantly gone. I had almost forgotten what he looked like before-tall, gangly, and energetic. I suppose that I had long gotten used to the serious, perfectionist, and hardworking Matsumoto Jun.
He was also wearing his transparent suit already. The sight already made me felt uncomfortable even though I had already worn it more than once in my lifetime.
Jun caught me staring at him, and his face instantly turned into a bright shade of pink. “I-It’s our costume,” he stammered. “The stylists weren’t able to finish it on time, so-“
“Oi, Sho-chan!” came Nino’s bratty voice. He, too, looked unamused by the costume that he was wearing, and he was poking a sleepy Satoshi into wakefulness. “Aren’t you gonna go and get changed? We’re going live in a few minutes!”
I groaned as Jun gave me the costume that I am about to wear. And then, we couldn’t help but laugh when Masaki started squealing gleefully “I can see my nipples!” before being berated by Nino for being “such a pervert,” after which he clung to Satoshi as soon as the older man stirred awake.
It actually felt like I hadn’t gone back in time.
Soon, they called us because the show was about to start.
“I swear to God that I’m not going to wear this costume ever again,” I heard Nino mumbling. “Even if Old Man Johnny paid me to.”
Oh, Nino, if you only knew.
And thus, my career as an idol has restarted.
*
Before I knew it, a year went by so quickly. But then again, we had just debuted, and we had so many guest performances, photoshoots, and interviews that we had to go to. If anything good came out from coming from the future, it was that I am least stressed with the sudden flurry of activities. I remembered blowing up because I had my exams in the midst of idol work, but now, everything felt more manageable.
“You’re so cool, Sho-kun, did you know that?” Jun told me once when we are hanging out in a café near the agency. I had almost forgotten that it had been our habit to hang out in cafés after a long day of work.
I calmly sipped my orange juice, though I couldn’t help but feel flattered. The Jun I knew in the future doesn’t shower me that much with comments, not to my face, anyway. “What makes you say that?” I asked.
Jun didn’t look at me in the eye. “It’s just that … we’re doing tons of stuff, and you have Keio, and you’re not even that stressed! It’s like you’ve been an idol all your life!”
If he only knew.
I simply shrugged. “It’s difficult, but I do my best to manage my time and not blow up.”
“That’s cool,” Jun remarked. “You know, when we were Juniors, you were really scary.”
“Huh…” I said uncomfortably. How can I not forget?
“You used to yell at people a lot,” he continued. “And throw stuff. You threw your notebook at me once.”
I blinked rapidly. I did? How come I don’t remember? Then again, I couldn’t remember most of the times when I’ve exploded in anger.
“Yeah …” I resorted myself to saying. “I’m trying to change now.”
“You can do it, Sho-kun!” Jun said encouragingly, almost knocking off his glass of orange juice.
I grinned; Jun’s enthusiasm was catchy. “I’ll do my best.”
*
“But Charlie’s Angels looks good!”
“Just because people are talking about it doesn’t mean it’s a good film overall.”
I had almost forgotten about the times when Jun and I would go to the movies together. Or maybe going to the public theaters in general without being mobbed by a ton of fans.
“Fine, you pick.”
I had also almost forgotten how much our tastes in movies clash …
“Battle Royale?”
“But that’s gory!”
… and most of the time, we don’t end up watching at all.
“You know what? Let’s just … think of something else to do.”
“…Fine. How about we just go read manga in your place or something?”
“That’s sounds like a good idea.”
*
Every weekend, I would drop by Jun’s place to tutor him. Admittedly, he’s a really brilliant student. At that time, he just didn’t have the confidence, and I also needed to help him balance idol work with schoolwork.
“Do you think you get it?” I asked as I finished explaining the quadratic equation to him.
Jun scratched his head then looked at the Dragon Ball Z poster hanging above his head as if it had all the answers. Then, he heaved a huge sigh. “I don’t know, Sho-kun …”
I used to get angry at him for not getting such a simple equation (now that I think about it, I was just easily hot-headed and cocky about my intelligence back then), but I managed to control myself. “How about this? I’ll walk you through a few sample exercises, then you’ll work on some on your own.”
Jun looked sort of relieved. “Okay, I’ll give it a shot.”
Every time Jun would score high on a test, I couldn’t help but feel really proud. I always knew that he had it in him.
*
Slowly, I started to realized that maybe I knew what “Gantz” meant by “make things right.” Looking back, I had a lot of things right for me already-a great (and eventually supportive) family, an amazing group of bandmates, a great education in one of the best universities in Japan, and a budding idol career ahead of me. I suppose I didn’t get to appreciate it much back then because I was so focused on being angry and all the unnecessary insecurities and issues. I took so many things and people for granted.
Especially one person.
I supposed it was that night, a few months after the first year before my three-year deadline with “Gantz” ends. (I already have a feeling on what would happen if I don’t manage to make things right in a span of three years, and I’d rather not focus on the what ifs.) It was four-thirty in the morning, and I had just finished studying for my Macroeconomics test in a couple of days. I decided to listen to a CD to help myself get to sleep, and then suddenly, the phone rang.
It was Jun. “Hello, Sho-kun, are you busy?”
“Well, I’m listening to my CD …”
I paused, a similar incident from my previous life flashing back to me.
Jun calling me at four in the morning, asking me what I was doing. Me telling him that I was listening to my CD, then hanging up on him.
Oh, God.
“Sho-kun?” I realized that Jun was still on the other end of the line.
I snapped back to reality. “Oh, sorry about that,” I apologized though I the conversation continued to flash back on my mind. “I managed to space out, that’s all.”
Jun chuckled, fortunately enough. “Still stressed, huh? It’s okay, I can call tomorrow morning, if you want.”
“Uh, that would be much better, Jun…”
There was a pause on the other line. “Something wrong?” I asked.
“No, that’s not it,” Jun said in a low voice. “It’s just …” He gulped. “You haven’t called me ‘Jun’ for awhile now.”
Oh. Now that he mentioned it, I always called him “MatsuJun” or “Matsumoto-kun.” I called him “Jun” during the Beautiful World Tour in Nagoya and got bashful for it because … when was the last time I called him “Jun”? Before we debuted…? God, that long ago?
“I haven’t, have I?” I finally managed to say, playing with the telephone cord.
“Yeah…” Jun sounded embarrassed for pointing it out. “B-But! If you wanna call me MatsuJun, that’s okay with me!”
“‘MatsuJun’ is cool,” I told him. “But …” I couldn’t help but break into a grin. “I guess I miss calling you ‘Jun,’ too.”
“R-Really?” Jun’s voice came more like a squeak.
I chuckled; Jun was so adorable. “How about Macchan, then? Shall I call you that, too?” I asked lightly.
“I-If you w-want to…” Jun stammered. “But, really, ‘Jun’ is fine, really!”
He was lying, I bet. “Okayyy, that’s what you said~” I said in a singsong voice.
I had forgotten that we were supposed to hang up on each other a couple of hours ago, and we ended up chatting about a lot of things. By the time I checked my clock, it was already seven in the morning, and I could hear Jun already snoring in the other line.
“Good night, Macchan~” I whispered before hanging up, stunned by my newfound revelation. I then turned my gaze towards “Gantz”, which was still on the same spot where I left it a year ago. “It’s Jun, isn’t it? I need to make things right with Jun?”
“Gantz” glowed again, with the following words surfacing: “Two more years left.”
*
Our fans had called it the Ice Age. I remembered Mai showing me this blog dedicated to just the two of us and our relationship throughout the years. (They even have a name for us-Sakumoto or Bambi. As if Ohmiya wasn’t bad enough.) I had casually browsed through it and never gave a second look (you know how fans are and their imaginations), but slowly I realized that most of what was written there were true.
Jun and I were close during our Junior years. We hung out a lot, talked and opened up to each other about a lot of things. And then, we debuted, and a couple of years after that, it all stopped. One day, Jun just stopped talking and hanging out with me a lot.
To be honest, I didn’t think too much into it before. Back then, I had just assumed that he had grown out of his awkward, teenage state and was trying to find his own personality. And maybe it’s mostly true. But then, I chose to ignore that change and went along with it, though now that I think about it, I find myself asking for his attention every now and then. Maybe I had missed the Jun that I hung out with.
What had happened? Then again, back then, I wasn’t composed. I was an angry, angsty teenager, overwhelmed by idolhood, schoolwork, the expectations of my family and peers, as well as my own expectations.
I had pushed Jun away because of that.
And so, the Ice Age began.
It sucked that I only realized this now, but what are second chances for? This time, I’m going to prevent that Ice Age from happening. I’m going to fix the broken relationship that I had with Jun back then. I’m not going to screw up.
I have two more years left. I am going to make things right.
*
A year passed, and things were getting frustrating already. I was doing my best, trying not to take advantage of Jun, not to blow up at him, not to hurt him in any way. Yet, Gantz wasn’t giving me a sign that I was making things right. What else do I need to do?
I found myself being a short fuse these days. I was back to being that hot-headed Sakurai Sho that I was from my past. This wasn’t good.
“God, Sakurai, what happened to your anger management classes?” Nino once remarked when I snapped at one of the camera crew during our PV shoot for accidentally throwing out some of my reviewers (which he thought were papers that needed to be thrown out, per director’s instructions, and they managed to dig through the trash, so no further harm done, but still).
It took all of my patience (and Jun’s hand on my arm) from not lunging at Nino and beating him senseless.
The PV shoot ended without any further incident, and I ended up storming up the agency rooftop afterwards to clear my head. Little did I know that Jun had followed me there.
“Sho-kun, are you okay?” he asked in a small voice.
I let out deep breaths to calm myself down. Fortunately, Jun didn’t approach me any further, because I didn’t know what I was going to do whenever I was in my hot-headed mood. I didn’t want to hurt him in any way.
“Well, actually, no,” I admitted. “I’m just feeling pressured, that’s all.”
I was expecting Jun to ask me further, but he didn’t. But he didn’t leave his spot either. Somehow, that was reassuring enough.
And then, he suddenly stepped up and enveloped me in a hug, catching me off guard. It was not a tight hug, just him softly pressed against me, though it was enough to get my heart racing fast. What is this?
“I don’t know how else to make you feel better, Sho-kun,” Jun said. “But I hope this helps somehow. You’re not alone. I-We can help get through whatever it is you’re going through.”
I didn’t really know what to say … or what to do. I just let my hand stay limp on my sides until Jun pulled away, obviously embarrassed.
“Anyway, the others are waiting downstairs. I’ll tell them you’ll be coming down in a bit, okay?” He flashed me a small smile before scrambling downstairs.
And I just stood there, flabbergasted. Somehow, all the anger had dissipated, and all I could remember was Jun’s warmth.
*
A month later, I overheard this conversation among Jun, Masaki, and Nino, and I started having déjà vu. Actually, I was about to enter the green room when I heard Jun say “Sho-kun,” and I froze outside the door, listening intently to what I had to do in their conversation.
“Tell him already!” Nino insisted. “He’s being extra nice to you the past years, and he isn’t being his douchebag self anymore. That means something!”
“B-But-“
“Just take a chance, Jun-chan,” Aiba said. “You don’t have anything to lose!”
“But if Sho-kun ignores me-“
“Then we’ll beat him up!”
“Ah, Sho-kun, aren’t you entering? You’ve been standing there for a minute already.”
I froze and looked over my shoulder-Satoshi was standing right behind me. Apparently, the others heard it, too, since the conversation stopped.
The door suddenly opened, and Nino and Aiba stepped out. “Jun-kun has something to tell you,” Nino said knowingly, slinging his arm around Satoshi. “Come on, Oh-chan, I have something to show you.”
Aiba forced a smile at me before tagging along with them.
I went inside to find Jun sitting on the couch, refusing to meet my eye.
And then, I remembered.
He confessed to me during this time, didn’t he?
“I love you, Sho-kun.”
“I’m sorry, Jun, but it’s-it’s impossible,” I said before storming out of the room.
“What is it that you want to tell me?” I asked from memory as I took a seat on the chair across Jun.
Exactly as I remembered, Jun gulped and fiddled with his thumbs. “Sho-kun…” he finally said. “I-This is really hard for me to say … And I don’t know what’s going to happen to us after this … But, will you promise not to get mad at me?”
Why will I get mad at him for confessing? Oh … that’s right … I flat-out rejected him.
I shook my head. “I don’t think I will,” I said, smiling reassuringly. “Now, shoot. What is this that you wanted to tell me?”
Jun finally met my eyes; they were questioning yet hopeful. “I … I love you, Sho-kun.”
My heart skipped a bit, something that I didn’t remember feeling back then. “Y-You do?” I stammered.
Jun nodded, cheeks reddening. “I-I always have, Sho-kun! I mean, ever since we were Juniors. I thought it was just a crush, and I’d get over it… but I didn’t.” He laughed shyly. “My feelings got stronger. So… yeah…” He gulped and looked at me expectantly.
I just sat there for God knows how many moments because I was trying to calm the frantic heartbeat that was pounding in my ears and those three words that came out of Jun’s mouth replaying in my head. What do I say? How come I didn’t feel this way before?
He loved me, yeah, he told me that before. Back then, I thought his confessions and declarations of “I’m Sho-kun’s number one fan!” and “I won’t give Sho-kun to anyone!” were very convincing forms of fanservice; never in my wildest thoughts would I actually find out that it was real.
Do I feel the same way?
Do I?
I didn’t remember my heart pounding fast during the confession.
In the end, I managed to say “Jun…?”
“Y-Yeah?” Jun asked nervously.
I sighed. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” I said. “But I’m not sure of what I feel towards you at the moment.”
Jun definitely looked disappointed, but it was better than that heartbroken look that he had given me before. It hurt a lot less, now that I think about it.
“May I … think about it?” I asked.
Jun’s eyes widened in surprise, but he nevertheless nodded. “Uh … sure.”
I smiled at him sympathetically. “I’m sorry if I can’t give you an answer right away.”
“Oh, no!” Jun shook his head. “It’s okay! I’m actually okay with it … that you want to give it some thought. And there’s no rush!” he added quickly. “I can wait.” The last sentence had less enthusiasm in it, though.
He quickly left the room, leaving me still stunned.
*
It took me a couple of months to figure it out. While that was going on, Jun and I acted like nothing had happened.
Yes, I like thinking into things too much, but I think this required a lot of thinking. But I finally figured it out.
I’m in love with Jun.
That’s it.
I’m sure of it.
Because at my best and at my worst, he was always there with me. Even if some people from the agency avoided me because of my temper or because I was too cocky, he was there by my side. He always gave his time and effort for me, and slowly, I found myself giving back.
I always appreciate our late-night phone conversations. Even if we don’t have much to talk about, I just want to hear his voice.
Whenever he giggles or looks at me affectionately (at least, I think it’s affectionately), the butterflies in my stomach go wild.
Whenever we are close, I couldn’t help but put an arm around him or just make any form of contact. Never mind that he blushes-he just ends up being cute.
I kept replaying our conversations and our alone-time moments that one time my father chucked carrot sticks at me for not listening at what he was saying during dinner time.
I kept thinking about the possibility of him and me. And the future.
I care about him a lot. I care about him so much that it hurts sometimes.
I love him.
He loves me back.
But how do I tell him?
*
November 2001 was the day. I had it all planned out.
Fortunately, one of my friends from Keio (I instantly liked him because he didn’t know about Arashi prior to us being friends, and he didn’t suck up to me even after he knew) works in a theater near my house and managed to give me some advance-screening tickets.
I approached Jun one day in the green room, with Nino on the couch, once again multi-tasking between his Pokemon game and his lines for Handoku. “Are you busy this Saturday?” I had the courage to ask.
Jun shook his head. “No. Why did you ask?”
I held out two tickets in to him, the tickets to the first-day showing of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in Japanese cinemas, probably Jun’s most favorite book and movie of all time.
As expected, Jun’s reaction immediately changed. His eyes got wide, his mouth hung open, and I was suddenly assaulted with a huge hug. “Yes! Oh my God, yes, Sho-kun! I wanna watch! I’ve always wanted to watch this! Oh my God, thank you!”
I laughed, awkwardly patting him on the back before he pulled away. “Okay, good! The movie starts at four in the afternoon. Can I meet you in your house at around 3:30?”
Jun nodded enthusiastically.
I mentally sighed in relief. Asking him out-that’s one mission accomplished.
Now comes the hardest part.
*
“Sho-chan, can I talk to you?”
We were in the agency lobby that Friday night, just me and Nino, waiting for the company car to come pick us up and take us home. I was cramming the last number of my take-home exam while Nino was (still) playing Pokemon Red in his Gameboy. Jun, Masaki, and Satoshi were in the agency cafeteria to get something to eat during the ride home. I heard the music in Nino’s console stop, and he was now looking at me intently, an indication that he had something serious to talk about.
I closed my book and turned to face him. “What’s up?” I asked.
Nino was silent for a couple of seconds; it was like his deep, brown eyes were looking right through me, and it made me uncomfortable.
Finally, he spoke up. “It’s about Jun-kun.”
I blinked in surprise. “What about Jun?” We’ve never brought up a topic of conversation about Jun before, at least, not in a serious conversation like this one.
“You know how sensitive he is, right?” Nino continued. “It’s like he has a heart of glass or something.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” Why was he telling me this?
“I just want to know if you’re serious-serious about it,” Nino said with such earnestness that it threw me off guard. “Sho-chan, you’re my best friend and my bandmate, so is Jun-kun, and I would really kill you if you’re not serious about him, and you two end up-“
“I am serious about Jun,” I interrupted. “I won’t hurt him.” I meant it. I’m determined not to hurt him anymore.
Nino examined my expression carefully before shrugging. “I’m just making sure,” he said before turning on his Gameboy again. “But, honestly, I thought it’ll take you a decade before you realize it.”
“You mean you knew all along?” I sputtered out of shock. I didn’t think I was that obvious.
Nino merely smirked, the Pokemon theme song blaring all over the room once again. “I guess I’m just really perceptive when it comes to these kinds of things. Don’t blow this up, Sakurai.”
Before I could say anything else, Jun, Masaki, and Satoshi entered the room. Nino instantly pulled Satoshi next to him on the lobby couch while Masaki was still talking animatedly to Jun about squirrels.
Jun walked up to me and handed me a melon bun. “I thought you might want some-to keep you distracted from studying for a little bit,” he told me shyly.
I smiled, my heart fluttering, as I took a bite. “Thanks,” I said in between mouthfuls.
Whatever Jun was about to say was drowned out by Masaki’s gleeful “Sho-chan looks like a squirrel!” I managed an “Oi”, though whatever good-humored tirade that I had on my mind was gone when Jun started giggling.
In the corner of my eye, I can see Nino smirking at me. Damn you, Nino. Damn you.
*
“Don’t blow this up, Sakurai.”
Yeah, I get it, Ninomiya. Don’t you think I’ve been there before?
But, to be honest, I am nervous. Sure, I’ve had dates before, and I’ve probably confessed to God knows how many women before, but this is different. Jun is different. My feelings for him are real and serious, and I want things between us to work.
Saturday came, and I spent an extra hour making sure that I look okay before leaving for Jun’s house. Jun was already halfway out of the door when I arrived. He had this certain glow on him that I couldn’t place. Not that I was complaining.
“Ready to go?” I asked, grinning.
Jun grinned back. “More than ready!” he piped up, linking his arm around mine as he walked to the theaters.
Me and the Jun from my previous life have already watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone together, so I basically breezed through the whole movie. Jun, however, was bouncing throughout the movie, mouthing the lines, cheering, and thank God he didn’t notice me staring at him with a stupid grin on my face instead of the movie screen.
Jun was still enthusiastic about the movie by the time we left the theaters. “I love the movie! I really think Christopher Columbus did the book justice. Gosh, I hope the second movie will be even better!”
“I think it will be,” I lied. The Jun from my previous life didn’t like the second Harry Potter film that much. “So, dinner?”
I took him to a café in the Tokyo Tower. (I remembered a magazine interview where Jun said that Tokyo Tower was one of his ideal date places.) The café had a huge window that showed its customers the view of Tokyo, and fortunately, Jun felt sympathetic enough to ask for a table a bit far from the view. As we ate, we talked about the movie, the movies that we have to see next time, soccer, Arashi, school, and many others that I couldn’t remember. Admittedly, it helped calm my nerves.
“I had a great time, Sho-kun,” Jun told me as soon as I paid for the bill and we walked out of the tower.
I smiled. “I’m glad you did,” I said. “But hold on. I’m not taking you home just yet.”
Jun blinked in surprise. “You’re not? Why?”
I smiled at him mysteriously. “You’ll see. I have something to show you. Come on!”
We walked until we reached a small building in between a fancy restaurant and a bookstore. It’s an apartment, but my piano teacher’s music studio is in here. I asked him for the keys yesterday, telling him that I needed to use his studio for something important. He didn’t ask me what it was that I needed to do, but he gave me a duplicate key and wished me luck.
“What is this place?” Jun asked as my shaky hands finally managed to open the door.
“My piano teacher’s music studio,” I replied as we entered. I flicked the light switch on, and we took off our shoes before stepping in the carpeted hallway.
“Wow…” Jun remarked, looking at the pictures hanging on the walls. He grinned when he saw a picture of me when I was seven years old. “So this is where Sho-kun learned how to play the piano. Is your sensei here?”
“No,” I said nervously, not meeting his eye as I opened the door to the piano room. “Just you and me.”
Silence from Jun. It only made me more nervous.
Sensei’s grand piano was draped with a white cloth. I removed the cloth and placed on the side, sat down the bench, and opened the lid of the piano keys.
I looked at Jun, who was still standing, dumbfounded. “Well, don’t just stand there!” I laughed, moving a bit so that there was space on the bench for the two of us.
Jun hesitated for a bit before sitting down beside me. “Sho-kun,” he finally spoke up in a low voice. “What is this about?”
I took a deep breath. “Jun,” I started, “do you remember a couple of months ago, when you told me that you love me?”
Jun’s eyes immediately widened, his cheeks reddening out of embarrassment. Then, he nodded meekly.
“I told you that I’ll think about it, right?”
Jun nodded.
“Well, I have thought about it,” I continued, scratching the back of my head. “But I don’t know how I’ll say it. So I’m just going to tell you what I feel by playing something. Is that okay with you?”
Jun gulped and nodded again, fortunately enough.
“Listen carefully, okay?” I said softly before I turned my focus on the piano and started playing.
The song was actually a composition by my sensei, and it was one of my most favorite pieces to play. I was seven back then when I first heard it. I was in the lobby waiting for my mother to pick me up when sensei invited this beautiful lady inside the piano room, and I heard the melody. I didn’t understand what the song meant back then, though I wanted to play it myself. I secretly copied the score from sensei and practiced playing it at home.
Looking back, and when I found that score in my room, I thought this is it. This is what I exactly feel towards Jun.
When I finished playing, I turned to look at Jun, whose eyes remained wide. “Well?” I said, managing a smile. “What do you think?”
“Sho-kun …” Jun said softly. “Do you really mean it?”
I nodded earnestly.
Suddenly, Jun bit his bottom lip, and tears started brimming in his eyes. I panicked. “Wait, did I do something wrong?” I asked, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Oi, Jun!”
Jun shook his head. “You… didn’t do anything wrong, Sho-kun,” he sniffed. “I’m just happy … that you felt the same way.”
I sighed in relief. I stood up from the bench and held out my hand. “C’mere,” I told him.
Curious, Jun took my hand, and I pulled him up in an embrace. Jun gasped and stumbled, causing me to stumble as well, my back hitting the wall in the process. I could feel Jun’s heartbeat against my chest, and my heartbeat was on overdrive as well.
“I love you, Jun.” There, I managed to say it in the midst of deep breaths, and Jun clung to me tighter that it almost hurt, but I didn’t care because he was with me at that moment.
“I love you, too, Sho-kun,” Jun mumbled through my chest.
It felt right. Everything felt right.
*
It was eight in the evening when Jun and I decided to leave the studio. We were both silent as we walked to his house, though our hands were now entwined with each other. I didn’t really know what Jun was feeling at that time, though I assumed that he was soaring inside, just like me.
We felt reluctant to let each other go by the time we arrived in front of Jun’s house. I bid him “Good night” before leaning forward to brush my lips against his. I smiled into the kiss when I heard Jun squeak (no doubt, this was his first kiss), but he eventually sighed contentedly and kissed back.
When we pulled away, Jun’s face was flushed red; it was really adorable. He hesitated for a bit before stuttering “I-I love you.”
Maybe he needed to say it again, just to be sure that I really meant it, or maybe I was just overthinking. Either way, I responded with “I love you, too. I’ll see you tomorrow” before kissing him again, after which he went back inside.
My mind was probably on autopilot afterwards because the next thing I knew, I was back in my room. I resisted the urge to do a victory scream, so I ended up throwing myself on my bed and hugging my pillow so tightly that it almost burst.
I did it. I made things right with Jun. I learned not to take him for granted, I learned to appreciate everything that he did for me, and most of all, I learned to love him.
Speaking of making things right …
I got up my bed and headed towards my desk where “Gantz” was. I finally made things right, I realized. “What now?” I asked as I picked up the small, black ball.
“Gantz” glowed a dim light, words eventually forming on its surface.
Choose:
1. Stay here.
2. Go back to the present.
I blinked, making sure that I read right. I can choose to go back to the life that I knew?
What would wait for me when I choose to go back, though? My body probably wouldn’t be the same again (but then again, I hope that wouldn’t be the case). The mistakes that I have undone here would remain there in the present. The awkwardness and the distance between me and Jun would still be there.
Here, I could start over. I could give Jun all the love and the attention that I had failed to give him before I traveled back in time.
Still, part of me wanted to go back to the present, to the familiar. Maybe there are some things that are better left unchanged.
It was a hard decision to make.
“Gantz,” I said, closing my eyes, after a minute of silent contemplation. “I have finally chosen.”
I didn’t know how long I had my eyes closed, but when I opened them, I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore. It was dark, but the window from my left illuminated the room, which turned out to be a white one. My left arm turned out to be pierced with a needle connected to an IV tube. I was in the hospital.
I felt someone’s hand holding mine quite tightly. Jun. He was sleeping on a chair next to mine, chest rising up and down rhythmically. My heart skipped a beat. He was here. This was real. I was back to the present.
As if on cue, Jun stirred. He eyes fluttered open, automatically turning its gaze towards me before widening. “Sho-kun!” he exclaimed as he immediately stood up to look at me closely, though his hand never left mine.
I was a bit flustered at the proximity of our faces, but I managed a weak “Hi, Jun…” and a small smile.
Jun looked over his shoulder. “Sensei! He’s awake!” He then turned back to me, his eyes brimming with tears. “Sho-kun…”
“Glad to see me alive, huh?” I managed to say, if only to keep the mood light.
“You idiot!” Jun cried hysterically, causing me to wince. “Don’t you ever dare get into an accident again or I will kill you myself!”
I gulped; so much for keeping the mood light. “I-I won’t do it again, I’m sorry.”
To my surprise, Jun suddenly broke into a sob, pulling me in an embrace. “I’m so glad you’re okay … I-We… we were so worried …”
I ended up pressing a hand on his back, running it up and down his spine in an attempt to comfort. We stayed like that until the doctor and the rest of Arashi arrived. I sighed in relief. I was glad to be back.
*
I still had one week left before I could leave the hospital. Although my wounds have already healed, the doctors have decided that I shouldn’t leave just yet. Apparently, Satoshi told them that I might jump into work as soon as possible, which might worsen my injuries. I was pretty miffed at first, but I thought that I might as well make the most of my free time thinking about stuff at hand.
Was everything-the time travel, Gantz, the chance to make things right-all a dream? I thought that when people have a near-death experience, life flashes before their eyes. Or maybe I was really given a second chance, though I chose to live back in the present? Or maybe … it was just some weird way that my mind let me think about things that weren’t too late to make things right?
Either way, I can be sure of one thing-my feelings for Jun are real. The only problem is that the Jun of the present doesn’t know that yet.
This is officially my chance to make things right. But how do I do it, though? Sure, we have gotten closer after that “Ice Age,” (during our tenth debut anniversary, now that I remember) but the walls are still there. How do I break it?
“Helloooo? Earth to Sho-chan! Are you listening to me?”
Nino’s face was inches away from mine, and I backed up out of instinct. My head ended up hitting the wall above my headboard. I winced from the pain.
“Don’t startle me like that!” I snapped, rubbing the back of my head.
“It’s your fault for not listening!” Nino countered, smirking as he sat back down on his chair. “What’s got you spaced out, anyway?”
I frowned, not sure if I should tell him. I remembered the Nino from my “dream”; is it likely that the present Nino knows? Probably. Knowing Nino for more than a decade, he knows more about me than I know myself.
I gulped. “When I was unconscious … I think I realized something … about me and Jun.”
Nino raised an eyebrow, but he remained silent.
“I love him.”
Nino nodded as if he knew all along. (Admittedly, I wasn’t really surprised anymore.) Finally, he spoke up, “I’m surprised you’re telling this to me and not to Jun-kun, though.”
“I don’t know how to tell him, though,” I admittedly helplessly. Our date in my “dream” (the movie, dinner in Tokyo Tower, then me playing the piano) did come to mind. However, will it work the second time around? Jun may not have changed much from before, but the circumstances are completely different now. Does he still feel the same way?
Nino spoke up again, startling me from my thoughts. “When we heard that you had an accident, and by the time we saw you unconscious, Jun-kun took it the worst.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He couldn’t stop crying when he saw you unconscious,” Nino continued. “I mean, all of us were worried, and Masaki was crying a lot, too, but Jun-kun was different … I can’t really put it in the right words.
“He insisted to watch over you and wait for you to wake up, you know, last night. We insisted that we watch over you because we have more free time, and he had Lucky Seven, but he’s like you-he can be stubborn when he wants to. I don’t know if that’s what I think it is, but he obviously cares a lot about you.”
I remembered when I woke up from my “dream.” I remembered Jun’s warm hand squeezing mine tightly. I remembered his tear-stricken face and how relief washed over him when we locked gazes since I woke up.
I remembered feeling really happy for choosing to go back to the present because I hated seeing Jun cry.
“You don’t have to plan an elaborate date,” Nino said; he looked reassuring this time. “Just tell him what you feel.”
I sighed out of nervousness. Just because I managed to confess to Jun in my “dream” doesn’t mean this will be easy the second time around. Still, it was worth a shot.
*
I celebrated by 30th birthday in the hospital ward. My family dropped by in the morning, then my fellow News ZERO anchors, then Toma, Aoi, and other costars and people from the agency. My bandmates and my manager dropped by at night. Aiba and Jun had baked a cake while Ohno brought out cans of Coke. (No alcoholic beverages allowed in the hospital.) Nino then made a speech, wishing that I get well soon and that I was already old and that I should take care of my health. And then, he gave me a knowing look and a smirk before joining Ohno, who was looking out at the view from the hospital.
Time passed, and everyone soon trickled out of the room. Everyone except Jun since Nino (I’m not surprised) volunteered to clean up. I watched him as he placed the leftover cake in a Tupperware and in his bag. I couldn’t help but feel nervous; I really should say it before he leaves.
“I was a jerk, wasn’t I?” I finally managed to speak up.
“Hmm?” Jun said absentmindedly, throwing the last of the party poppers in the trash bin.
“When we were young,” I continued. “I was a jerk, wasn’t I? Especially to you.”
Jun froze and looked at me with wide eyes. And then he broke into an uncomfortable smile. “It took you long enough to realize it, huh?” he said lightly. “Did the accident make your life flash before your eyes or something?”
I managed to chuckle, only to let out the nerves. “I guess so,” I replied. “I woke up realizing a lot of things.”
“Sho-kun,” Jun said, sitting on the chair next to my bed. “I’ve already forgiven you for that. You had a lot of things in front of you back then. You were pressured. You needed to let your angry feelings out, and sometimes I was on the way. That was understandable.”
I shook my head. “Jun,” I said softly. “Yeah, I get it. I had Arashi, I had Keio. I was stressed. But you know what? I had forgotten that you were always there for me all along.”
Jun’s eyes widened again.
“You were always by my side, urging me to go on. You tried to make things bearable for me. You accepted me at my worst.” I sighed. “But I took you for granted and pushed you away.”
I could see Jun’s eyes brimming with tears already. He must be remembering the hurt and the pain that I have caused him, and it made me feel guilty.
“That’s not entirely why I decided to distance myself, Sho-kun,” Jun spoke up, his lower lip trembling. “I wanted to become someone else in Arashi, too, and not just the one who claims to be Sho-kun’s number one fan.”
“I know,” I admitted, “and I’m proud of you for that. But if I could really turn back time, I would have appreciated you more, and maybe I would have realized my feelings for you sooner.”
Jun’s eyes quickly became questioning. “…What?”
I took a deep breath. It was now or never.
“I’m in love with you, Jun. I think I always have been, even when we were Juniors. The problem is, I got so self-centered and clueless that I didn’t realize it until I got hit by a car on the way home from work. Maybe …” I felt my cheeks getting warm. “When we stopped hanging out, I’ve always felt that something was missing. I hope you’d still be willing to fill that gap again. I missed you.”
I met Jun’s eyes, wishing that he would say yes. However, part of me was dreading and expecting rejection. After all, Jun had hurt because of me, and maybe I don’t deserve a chance anymore.
That was why I was surprised when I felt Jun’s hand on top of mine, and Jun started laughing and crying at the same time.
“I’m such an idiot,” Jun said in between chuckles and sobs. “Even though you’ve hurt me and taken me for granted, and even though I’ve distanced myself from you, I’m still Sho-kun’s number one fan.”
My breath hitched.
“I tried to forget my feelings for you, Sho-kun, that was why I started distancing myself from you. I confessed to you once, and you said that it was impossible. I ignored whatever pain that came along whenever I play serious and ignore you. But every time you smile or laugh or do something amazing or dorky or just be you when it’s just the two of us, I always find myself back in square one-sixteen and in love with you.”
Jun sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand. “Maybe somewhere along the road, I’ve grown to accept that my feelings for you were one-sided, and we were better off friends. It worked, which was why I started getting close to you again. And then this happened”-he choked a bit-“and then I realized that I didn’t want to lose you, not as a bandmate, not as a friend, but something more.”
My fingers finally entwined itself with Jun’s. Jun’s hand responded with an affectionate squeeze.
Jun started chuckling again. “Stupid me for giving such a long-ass speech.” He met my eyes again, his cheeks pink, with that shyness that I recalled Jun always having when we were Juniors. “My point is, I love you, too.”
My heart could have burst then and there. “Jun,” I managed to whisper, “come here.”
Jun moved forward, and I met him halfway in an embrace. It was awkward, given the space between us, but it didn’t matter because things were finally right between me and Jun. We are together and in love with each other.
(I could have sworn that I heard Nino whooping victoriously in the background, but whether he was spying from outside or it was just my imagination didn’t matter much anymore. He and Aiba and Ohno would find out the next day anyway.)
“You’re wonderful,” I whispered, running a hand through Jun’s hair as his wet cheek brushed against mine.
“So are you,” Jun replied breathlessly. “This is why we’ll fit perfectly together.”
Eventually, we pulled away. I smiled softly at Jun before asking “Stay with me?”
Jun leaned forward to place a short, yet sweet, kiss on my lips. “Always.”
I made space in the hospital bed so that Jun could sleep beside me, our hands never leaving each other. Jun fell asleep before I did, and I couldn’t stop but me more than happy as to how peaceful his sleeping face was.
Tomorrow, I’ll be released from the hospital, and maybe Jun will drive me home. Maybe we’ll share an intimate moment or maybe we’ll just kiss and cuddle. Either way, starting tomorrow, we’ll start making up for the time lost for the past years.
And then, a thought crossed my mind. What if I could have chosen to stay in 2001, where we were young and had confessed our love for each other? Would we have been closer? Would it have made a difference?
I sighed and chose to wrap my arm around Jun, pulling him closer as I closed my eyes to drift off to sleep. I wouldn’t really know now, would I? Besides, I have chosen, and I have no regrets. I love the Jun from before, and I love the Jun now.
We have a lot of catching up to do, but I’ll cherish every moment. I know that we have all the time in our hands now.
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