Drowning Slowly - 01
Title: Drowning Slowly - 01
Author: sakulette
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung [JunSeung]
Rating: PG [rated by chapter]
Summary: Through big losses, we can find big gains.
Author's Note ~ oh my god this chapter makes me want to shoot myself.. ;~; THIS IS WHY I NEVER FINISH CHAPTERED SERIES. I have the hardest time writing the first chapter, because nothing's really happening yet.. I rewrote parts of this chapter so many times but just kinda gave up.. I'm so sorry this is so icky. T3T I also wish it was longer. but hopefully I can find me groove in the next chapter D; !!
~
It was out of a whim that he decided to finally go through with it - he knew it would hurt many people, people he never wanted to hurt, and he would regret it his whole life if he did. But he went along with his plan anyway. It was simple. It was easy. He mentally placed partial blame on the hospital itself - how could they not notice the blind boy shuffling through the building, sliding against the wall he was resting his side on?
But Hyunseung always was a good actor.
With his head held high and his eyes unwavering - not that they could waver, he wasn’t even sure if he was able to move them - the brunette easily passed by all of the doctors and nurses and patients who gave him a strange gaze.
It can’t be too much further..
Hyunseung inwardly sighed. He had been sliding from wall to wall, down hallway after hallway, just waiting to find the exit to the outside world. It had been quite a while since he had experienced the wind blowing through his hair, the sunlight resting on his cheeks.
It had been almost three months, and there were no signs of him getting any better.
It had been close to three long months that he had been devising his plan. Even when his friends decided to visit and just sit in the corner of the room and play video games, he was trying to remember the schematics of the hospital - he had been here many times before, so why wouldn’t he know the entire layout? Of course he felt guilt when his friends were near, but he couldn’t help it. Truth be told, having his friends near him made him feel all the more guilty about everything. He felt guilty they had to endure this painful time with him. He felt guilty that his three best friends had practically given up on their own lives to help him to just scrape by.
Kikwang had been on his way to debuting as a solo artist with a local entertainment company - he had been training and training for months on end. But as soon as he had heard the news that his dear friend might not be able to see again, he left his dreams behind. Dongwoon had done the same - he had been working with one of the most brilliant teachers in all of South Korea to become a professor someday and had just been chosen to intern at a major university in Japan, but he dropped all of it when he heard about Hyunseung.
Yoseob probably sacrificed the most though.
Hyunseung shuddered and tripped slightly, but caught himself from face planting on the white hospital floors.
This is all my fault.. Yoseob shouldn’t have to deal with this. Why did he have to show up..?
And then the brunette thought back to that night.
The moment the knife came into sight, Hyunseung’s breath hitched. He had developed a fear for the sharp, painful utensils ever since the night he had met him. He backed away slowly.
“You.. You can’t be serious, right?” His voice was barely above a whisper, and had there been any other noise in the abandoned area besides his now ragged breathing, he would have been impossible to hear. “You wouldn’t do this.. Please don’t do this..!”
Drops of sweat gliding down his cheeks, chest heaving at a pace just a bit too quick, doe eyes wide and full of fear, Hyunseung did the only thing he could think to do - he ran. He ran as hard as he could, but he didn’t get far before a hand quickly grasped a fistful of his brown locks, causing the boy to let out a yelp. Thrown back against a wall, Hyunseung coughed out all the pain he was in. His leg was surely broken from before, but now he thought he might have a few broken rips to add to the list too.
“You didn’t actually think I’d let you leave.. did you?” A dry, cracked laugh filled the room as the other male stepped slowly toward the panting boy on the ground. “Didn’t I tell you that you’re mine?”
Wide eyes shot around, trying to find anything that would help him to escape. As he noticed a window right above his head, he sprang up and turned toward it, attempting to unlock it as fast as he could. When the lock finally clicked open, he looked up -
“Seung, is that you?!” Hyunseung froze. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes stayed wide. “Seung!! I’m coming to get you!!”
“Seobie, why are you - ” As he watched the blond run directly toward him, he completely forgot about the other male in the room until he felt a hand grab the back of his neck and slam him forward, shattering the slightly open window.
“SEUNGGG!!”
Hyunseung tripped, face meeting harshly with the ground this time. But instead of getting up and continuing forward, he just laid there. His body was shaking, his dead, unresponsive eyes actually doing something for the first time in months. Crying.
That night was something that he hated remembering. Every time just a tiny bit of it would make it’s way to the surface of his mind, he would completely shut down, avoiding the pain and hurt he knew it would bring. But he couldn’t stop it this time. He couldn’t stop himself from hearing the blonde scream his name in a blood curdling scream. He hated it. He hated how useless and defenseless he felt at that moment. And what he hated most was that he couldn’t remember who it was that had done this to him, and there was nothing he could do about that.
Too lost in his painful thoughts, Hyunseung didn’t notice the doctors and nurses rush to his side and carry him all the way back to his room. Only when the very person he didn’t want to see most showed up did he realize what had just happened.
“Seung…” The blonde wouldn’t look him in the eye, wouldn’t even look his way. He hated seeing his best friend lying in a hospital bed, so weak and fragile. “Why were you out of bed? Why did you leave your room?”
“I wanted some fresh air.” Hyunseung lied. It’s true that when he had first thought of sneaking out, it had only been because he was so bored, always cooped up in his room, not experiencing the outside world. But as he thought about it more, things became different. He no longer cared to feel the breeze, or touch the snow with his own hands. He wanted everything to be over.
“I know that you’re lying, Seung.” Yoseob’s voice was soft, but he was shaking. He was so angry, but he knew it would do neither of them any good to let that anger out now. “You should know by now that you can’t lie to me.”
Hyunseung stayed silent. Yoseob continued.
“We’ve known each other practically since before we were born. We went to kindergarten together - went to elementary and middle school together. We’ve been in all the same classes all throughout high school. We’re going to graduate together. We’re even planning to go to the same college and live together.” Yoseob took a short breath. “We’re together almost every minute of the day. I can’t go a day without seeing your face, and you can’t go a day without… seeing mine…” His head began to droop slowly, suddenly regretting his last words.
“Just shut up.”
The blonde’s head shot up, and he looked at his best friend. He was seething with anger, his body shaking.
“Seung…”
“I SAID SHUT UP!” Yoseob winced as Hyunseung swung his right arm over the table next to him, knocking the vase full of sunflowers that the blonde had gotten his best friend onto the ground. He watched as the glass broke apart, and instantly thought back to that day.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be like this Yoseob! Have you woken up in the morning to just see nothing?? Have you listened to all the noises around you and wonder what they look like? You keep saying that you want to stay with me and help me make my life better, but have you considered that maybe I just don’t give a shit anymore?! I JUST WISH YOU’D STOP SYMPATHISING AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME, BECAUSE YOU NEVER WILL!!”
And Yoseob began to cry. All he could do was excuse himself, before he broke down completely.
“Fuck this…” Hyunseung whispered to himself. His entire body was trembling, tears streaming down his face. He had made sure to keep his head down, his fringe covering his eyes, so that his best friend wouldn’t see him cry. He didn’t want Yoseob to know that his words were a lie. He was only saying these things because he wanted the other to detach himself from him, so that he could carry on his plan and not leave Yoseob full of sorrow.
I’d rather he hate me than spend his days grieving…
And now that his final deed was done, Hyunseung was ready to end it all.
I can’t go the original way though, since they’ve already caught me… The brunette scratched the back of his head. Breaking out of a hospital was harder than he had originally thought it to be. It wasn’t so much leaving that was hard, but leaving unnoticed. Hyunseung sighed, then shivered slightly. Surprised by the sudden cold temperature of his room, his head instantly shot up.
Yoseob always stays near the window when he’s in here… and he hates when the room feels stuffy, so he usually always opens the window.
Smiling to himself for remembering these specific details about his best friend, he slowly pushed his body over the side of the bed. As bare feet came in contact with the cold marble floors, Hyunseung paused.
Is this really the end..?
Making his way toward the window - he had used his new found sense of hearing to figure out where the window was, based on where Yoseob always paced around - the brunette outstretched his arms and felt around the wall. As soon as his hand fell past the wall and through the open window, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. This really was the end, and he was ready for it. Time went by quickly as he hauled his body up and onto the ledge of the window, but as soon as he swung his feet through the threshold, time seemed to stop. He wasn’t high up - his room was only on the second story - but he felt like he was hovering high above the world, high above himself. He took a deep breath, and pushed his body out the window.
Author: sakulette
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung [JunSeung]
Rating: PG [rated by chapter]
Summary: Through big losses, we can find big gains.
Author's Note ~ oh my god this chapter makes me want to shoot myself.. ;~; THIS IS WHY I NEVER FINISH CHAPTERED SERIES. I have the hardest time writing the first chapter, because nothing's really happening yet.. I rewrote parts of this chapter so many times but just kinda gave up.. I'm so sorry this is so icky. T3T I also wish it was longer. but hopefully I can find me groove in the next chapter D; !!
~
It was out of a whim that he decided to finally go through with it - he knew it would hurt many people, people he never wanted to hurt, and he would regret it his whole life if he did. But he went along with his plan anyway. It was simple. It was easy. He mentally placed partial blame on the hospital itself - how could they not notice the blind boy shuffling through the building, sliding against the wall he was resting his side on?
But Hyunseung always was a good actor.
With his head held high and his eyes unwavering - not that they could waver, he wasn’t even sure if he was able to move them - the brunette easily passed by all of the doctors and nurses and patients who gave him a strange gaze.
It can’t be too much further..
Hyunseung inwardly sighed. He had been sliding from wall to wall, down hallway after hallway, just waiting to find the exit to the outside world. It had been quite a while since he had experienced the wind blowing through his hair, the sunlight resting on his cheeks.
It had been almost three months, and there were no signs of him getting any better.
It had been close to three long months that he had been devising his plan. Even when his friends decided to visit and just sit in the corner of the room and play video games, he was trying to remember the schematics of the hospital - he had been here many times before, so why wouldn’t he know the entire layout? Of course he felt guilt when his friends were near, but he couldn’t help it. Truth be told, having his friends near him made him feel all the more guilty about everything. He felt guilty they had to endure this painful time with him. He felt guilty that his three best friends had practically given up on their own lives to help him to just scrape by.
Kikwang had been on his way to debuting as a solo artist with a local entertainment company - he had been training and training for months on end. But as soon as he had heard the news that his dear friend might not be able to see again, he left his dreams behind. Dongwoon had done the same - he had been working with one of the most brilliant teachers in all of South Korea to become a professor someday and had just been chosen to intern at a major university in Japan, but he dropped all of it when he heard about Hyunseung.
Yoseob probably sacrificed the most though.
Hyunseung shuddered and tripped slightly, but caught himself from face planting on the white hospital floors.
This is all my fault.. Yoseob shouldn’t have to deal with this. Why did he have to show up..?
And then the brunette thought back to that night.
The moment the knife came into sight, Hyunseung’s breath hitched. He had developed a fear for the sharp, painful utensils ever since the night he had met him. He backed away slowly.
“You.. You can’t be serious, right?” His voice was barely above a whisper, and had there been any other noise in the abandoned area besides his now ragged breathing, he would have been impossible to hear. “You wouldn’t do this.. Please don’t do this..!”
Drops of sweat gliding down his cheeks, chest heaving at a pace just a bit too quick, doe eyes wide and full of fear, Hyunseung did the only thing he could think to do - he ran. He ran as hard as he could, but he didn’t get far before a hand quickly grasped a fistful of his brown locks, causing the boy to let out a yelp. Thrown back against a wall, Hyunseung coughed out all the pain he was in. His leg was surely broken from before, but now he thought he might have a few broken rips to add to the list too.
“You didn’t actually think I’d let you leave.. did you?” A dry, cracked laugh filled the room as the other male stepped slowly toward the panting boy on the ground. “Didn’t I tell you that you’re mine?”
Wide eyes shot around, trying to find anything that would help him to escape. As he noticed a window right above his head, he sprang up and turned toward it, attempting to unlock it as fast as he could. When the lock finally clicked open, he looked up -
“Seung, is that you?!” Hyunseung froze. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes stayed wide. “Seung!! I’m coming to get you!!”
“Seobie, why are you - ” As he watched the blond run directly toward him, he completely forgot about the other male in the room until he felt a hand grab the back of his neck and slam him forward, shattering the slightly open window.
“SEUNGGG!!”
Hyunseung tripped, face meeting harshly with the ground this time. But instead of getting up and continuing forward, he just laid there. His body was shaking, his dead, unresponsive eyes actually doing something for the first time in months. Crying.
That night was something that he hated remembering. Every time just a tiny bit of it would make it’s way to the surface of his mind, he would completely shut down, avoiding the pain and hurt he knew it would bring. But he couldn’t stop it this time. He couldn’t stop himself from hearing the blonde scream his name in a blood curdling scream. He hated it. He hated how useless and defenseless he felt at that moment. And what he hated most was that he couldn’t remember who it was that had done this to him, and there was nothing he could do about that.
Too lost in his painful thoughts, Hyunseung didn’t notice the doctors and nurses rush to his side and carry him all the way back to his room. Only when the very person he didn’t want to see most showed up did he realize what had just happened.
“Seung…” The blonde wouldn’t look him in the eye, wouldn’t even look his way. He hated seeing his best friend lying in a hospital bed, so weak and fragile. “Why were you out of bed? Why did you leave your room?”
“I wanted some fresh air.” Hyunseung lied. It’s true that when he had first thought of sneaking out, it had only been because he was so bored, always cooped up in his room, not experiencing the outside world. But as he thought about it more, things became different. He no longer cared to feel the breeze, or touch the snow with his own hands. He wanted everything to be over.
“I know that you’re lying, Seung.” Yoseob’s voice was soft, but he was shaking. He was so angry, but he knew it would do neither of them any good to let that anger out now. “You should know by now that you can’t lie to me.”
Hyunseung stayed silent. Yoseob continued.
“We’ve known each other practically since before we were born. We went to kindergarten together - went to elementary and middle school together. We’ve been in all the same classes all throughout high school. We’re going to graduate together. We’re even planning to go to the same college and live together.” Yoseob took a short breath. “We’re together almost every minute of the day. I can’t go a day without seeing your face, and you can’t go a day without… seeing mine…” His head began to droop slowly, suddenly regretting his last words.
“Just shut up.”
The blonde’s head shot up, and he looked at his best friend. He was seething with anger, his body shaking.
“Seung…”
“I SAID SHUT UP!” Yoseob winced as Hyunseung swung his right arm over the table next to him, knocking the vase full of sunflowers that the blonde had gotten his best friend onto the ground. He watched as the glass broke apart, and instantly thought back to that day.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be like this Yoseob! Have you woken up in the morning to just see nothing?? Have you listened to all the noises around you and wonder what they look like? You keep saying that you want to stay with me and help me make my life better, but have you considered that maybe I just don’t give a shit anymore?! I JUST WISH YOU’D STOP SYMPATHISING AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME, BECAUSE YOU NEVER WILL!!”
And Yoseob began to cry. All he could do was excuse himself, before he broke down completely.
“Fuck this…” Hyunseung whispered to himself. His entire body was trembling, tears streaming down his face. He had made sure to keep his head down, his fringe covering his eyes, so that his best friend wouldn’t see him cry. He didn’t want Yoseob to know that his words were a lie. He was only saying these things because he wanted the other to detach himself from him, so that he could carry on his plan and not leave Yoseob full of sorrow.
I’d rather he hate me than spend his days grieving…
And now that his final deed was done, Hyunseung was ready to end it all.
I can’t go the original way though, since they’ve already caught me… The brunette scratched the back of his head. Breaking out of a hospital was harder than he had originally thought it to be. It wasn’t so much leaving that was hard, but leaving unnoticed. Hyunseung sighed, then shivered slightly. Surprised by the sudden cold temperature of his room, his head instantly shot up.
Yoseob always stays near the window when he’s in here… and he hates when the room feels stuffy, so he usually always opens the window.
Smiling to himself for remembering these specific details about his best friend, he slowly pushed his body over the side of the bed. As bare feet came in contact with the cold marble floors, Hyunseung paused.
Is this really the end..?
Making his way toward the window - he had used his new found sense of hearing to figure out where the window was, based on where Yoseob always paced around - the brunette outstretched his arms and felt around the wall. As soon as his hand fell past the wall and through the open window, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. This really was the end, and he was ready for it. Time went by quickly as he hauled his body up and onto the ledge of the window, but as soon as he swung his feet through the threshold, time seemed to stop. He wasn’t high up - his room was only on the second story - but he felt like he was hovering high above the world, high above himself. He took a deep breath, and pushed his body out the window.