[One-shot] Fear
Title: Fear
Pairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Drama, violence (language and innuedo), angst
Rating: R (nothing graphic but just to be safe)
Lenght: 28 762 words
Summary: Just when Matsumoto and Sakurai start to live their life as a couple, something happened one night and Sakurai starts to avoid Matsumoto. Will Sho let Jun help him and discover the truth?
Note: This story is very long (maybe my the longest OS I wrote) and is unbeatated so there might be a lot of grammar mistakes. I apologize for that. Also if you're not at ease with serious topic skip this one.
****
Fear
They left the green room one by one once they had a change of clothes after the shoot for the TV show was over. First it was Ohno because he had another interview scheduled for his new drama, then Aiba and Nino who had planned a few weeks ago to have a drink together. MatsuJun and Sakurai were as always the last not because they weren’t busy but simply because it was their only chance to spend some time together.
MatsuJun was reading some e-mails on his phone while Sakurai closed his locker and picked his bag. Without saying anything, the rapper put on his vest and headed towards the exit. On his way he stopped at MatsuJun’s side and kissed his cheek softly.
“See you tonight?” Jun said without looking up but the smile on his face couldn’t hide his happiness.
“Of course,” Sho said with a shy voice. “I’ll be there at nine.”
Jun chuckled as the door closed. Never did he imagine that his relationship with Sho would make him so happy. It was still the beginning of their relationship but everything seemed so perfect and funny. Jun liked how Sho was shy every time they were alone; it was certainly because his band mate had never dated another man before. It was still vivid in his mind how everything started; how Jun confessed to Sho, how the latter accepted his feeling and how he clumsily said he was feeling the same. Even though Sakurai said he wasn’t ready to talk about it openly, Jun knew he was sincere and he just needed time. However something deep inside him told him that tonight their relationship would pass the next stage. They were only kissing and cuddling until now but Jun was sure that tonight would be a special night for the both of them.
Everything was planned to ensure a perfect night. Jun prepared Sho’s favorite dishes and opened his best bottle of wine for this exceptional night. As he checked the table Jun glanced at the clock; five minutes left before Sho’s arrival. If there was something that Jun liked the most it was Sho’s punctuality. He never came early but he was never late. Only two minutes left, Jun looked one last time at his reflection in the huge mirror in the hallway. The idol had chosen some simple clothes but not too casual: blue jeans, a black T-shirt and a white vest. He nodded at his reflection before automatically facing the door when it was finally nine o-clocks.
Five minutes late; Jun thought as he came in the dining room and sat at the table. Usually when Sho knew he would be late Jun would receive a call or at least an e-mail. Maybe Sho was outside, at the building entrance, looking for a place to park his car so there was no need to call him.
It didn’t take fifteen minutes to find a place. Jun checked his phone several times but still there were no signs from Sho.
After thirty minutes of waiting, Jun decided to call Sho. Something wasn’t right, at this time he would have called him already.
One hour and two minutes; Jun drank his glass of wine in one go as he heard the beep at the other side of the phone. “Sho-kun? It’s Jun again. Sorry to call you for the sixth time in less than ten minutes but I’m very worried. Where are you? Please call me back. It’s okay if you don’t come but please, let me know that you’re fine.”
When the clock finally reached eleven in the evening, Jun finished his third bottle of wine. The plate of pasta was cold since long ago and the last candle blew out as Jun put his empty glass on the table. He almost fell of his chair as he heard his phone ring and jumped to pick it. Jun sighed from relief as he read the message.
‘Can’t come now it’s too late. Sorry I had more work than expected.’
This kind of simple message would make Jun angry usually, but he was so relieved to have some news from Sho that it didn’t matter. The stress leaving his body, Jun felt suddenly tired. He turned off the light in the main room and headed to his bedroom thinking that he will ask Sho more explanation the next morning.
The following day, when he entered the room, Jun was very surprised to see his band mates leaving the green room.
“Where are you going?” He asked as Masaki stood in front of him.
“The filming is cancelled for today.” He said simply.
“Why? Something happened? Don’t tell me that there’s another problem with the cameras?” Jun grumbled.
“Actually,” Nino came behind Masaki followed by Satoshi. “Sho-kun is sick and since we have a few episodes already filmed in advance we cancelled this one.”
It took a few seconds for Jun’s brain to register. It was rather abnormal for Sho to cancel a work even when he was sick. So the second thought he had made him to panic. What kind of sickness could prevent Sho from going to work?
“Chill out Jun.” Nino laughed at Jun’s pale face. “His manager told us he just has a high fever and his doctor told him to stay at home for a day or two.”
That would explain a lot of things indeed. Sho was a workaholic but when a doctor gave him an order he would follow it no matter what.
Through the whole day MatsuJun tried to call Sho several times, during all his breaks he called no matter what but all his calls ended the same way: talking to the answering machine. Jun tried to think rationally; the main and only reason Sho didn’t answer his calls was because he was sick and couldn’t answer, maybe he was too tired and felt too sick to even move to pick up his phone.
That was why at the end of the day, Jun decided to go to Sho’s apartment. If the rapper didn’t have the force to pick up his phone he shouldn’t have eaten anything for the whole day and Jun wanted to see him badly.
Once he arrived at Sho’s door, he knocked several times, first softly and a bit harder when he had no response. Just when he started to freak out he heard some footsteps from inside, and his heart beat again when he heard Sho’s voice.
“Who’s there?” It was hard to hear Sho’s soft voice.
“It’s me, Sho-kun. I come to see how you feel and I brought something for you to eat.” Jun smiled even though Sho couldn’t see him.
“J-Jun? I don’t think it’s a good idea to come in. I-I’m sick and…” Sakurai might be really sick, his voice was so weak.
“Let me in. You know I fall ill hardly.”
“B-but I’m really sick, you know? And I’m tired, it’s better for you to…”
Jun sighed “Sho. If you’re scared because you think I’m mad at you for yesterday don’t worry I’m not. I just want to see my sick boyfriend. Now please, open the door, I’m really worried.”
There were no sounds from the other side of the door until Jun heard a soft ‘click’ meaning that Sho unlocked the door. Jun’s heart ached when he saw the face of his boyfriend.
“Oh my! You look terrible. I didn’t think you were that sick!”
Sakurai was wearing a sweater and loose pants, Jun couldn’t see him clearly because the door was only slightly open. Something caught Jun’s attention and he pushed the door a bit more, making Sho to take a step back.
“What happened to your face?” He asked as he noticed a big bruise on Sho’s right cheek.
Sho touched his cheek unconsciously and frowned at the pain even though he just touched it lightly. “I fainted because of the fever and knocked against the corner of my bedside table.”
Indeed Sho might have a high fever, he was sweating hard, his eyes were bright with fever and he had tousled hair.
“Oh Sho, let me take care of you,” Jun said lovingly as he took a step forward but Sho’s cry stopped him right away.
“NO!” Sho screamed quickly and added after a short time “I mean… I don’t want you to be sick as well.”
“Sho, are you alright?” Jun asked, worried.
“Y-yeah. I’m just tired. Please leave, I really want to sleep.”
“Okay,” Jun said reluctantly “but if you need anything, you know you can-“
The door closed before he had the time to finish his sentence “call me…” Jun stood in front of the door a few minutes, the bag with the hot soup still in his hands.
Sho was acting strangely but Jun thought he was just like himself when he was sick and didn’t liked to be bothered. In a few days everything would be back to normal.
Or that what he thought.
Sakurai didn’t come at work before a whole week. Jun had tried to talk to him several times but Sho never answered his calls, never replied to his messages, and each times he stopped by his apartment, he never crossed the door. So when Jun saw Sho in the green room after a week, his feelings were mixed. He was glad that he was back at work but a bit surprised that his boyfriend didn’t told him before. Moreover, the rapper was rather quiet during the breaks. He almost didn’t answer his band mates’ questions, didn’t laugh at their jokes or even replied when his manager was talking to him. Sho tried his best to act normal during their filming, but he never smiled, never talked to the guest as he was used to, and they needed to re-film some parts because Sho wasn’t listening or seemed lost in his thoughts. That last reason concerned Jun as well because he was too focused on Sho’s behavior to care about the filming.
Once the staff called for a break, the five men of the group went into their green room where a delicious meal was waiting for them. No one asked if Sho was alright because after being together for all those years they knew that the rapper didn’t like to be asked such a stupid question when visibly he wasn’t feeling right. So, casually Nino came to sit near Sho in the sofa, the latter giving more space to his friend. Nino offered him a plate but Sho refused it, saying he wasn’t hungry.
That was the sign they all needed to know that Sho wasn’t alright at all.
Jun stood up from the sofa opposite to them and bent to whisper into Sho’s ear “Can we talk?” MatsuJun noticed how tense Sho became at their closeness.
“W-we can talk here.” Sho suggested, not feeling comfortable.
“I think it would be better if we were alone, I want to talk to you about some private things.” Jun winked and smirked at Sho.
“Oh God,” Sho whispered as he covered his stomach with one hand and started to tremble. He stood up suddenly and ran towards the bathroom. The last four members watched the scene speechless and worried. Jun followed Sho in the bathroom where he heard the sounds Sho made as he threw up in the toilet.
“Sho?” Jun called as he approached Sho and rested a comforting hand on his back.
“Don’t touch me!” Sho’s scream resonated in his ears, startling Jun.
After a few seconds of silence, Sho turned around, his eyes teary, certainly caused by the effort he made as he threw up. “I-I mean, I’m dirty so don’t touch me.”
“Sho what’s going on? You’re acting strangely.” Jun asked really concerned as he watched Sho cleaning his face in the washbowl.
“What are you talking about? I’m fine ah-”Sho jumped and turned around as he noticed Jun standing just behind him through the mirror.
“See? I don’t think you’re fine. It looks like you’re scared of me.”
“That’s not that. It’s simply because you’re always sneaking up.” Sho answered as he washed his hands, his eyes never leaving Jun’s reflection on the mirror.
“Listen,” Jun sighed “If it’s about the other night, don’t worry I’m not mad at you. I know how often something unplanned can come up with our job.”
Sho avoided the topic right away as if he hadn’t heard Jun “I think it’s time for us to go back.”
“Sho,” Jun grabbed Sho’s wrist as he passed by his side. “What’s wrong? Is it because you’re scared of doing it? You know that I can wait; you don’t have to push yourself. A first time and more particularly with a man is a scary thing, so don’t worry you…”
“Stop saying things like that!” Sho cut him short angrily as he freed himself from Jun’s grip.
“Guys? Are you okay?” They heard Ohno’s voice from the other side of the door. Jun watched Sho washing his hands for a second time, totally speechless.
As he dried his hands, Sho sighed and talked to Jun’s reflection on the mirror. “You’re right about one thing. I can’t push myself anymore.”
“What do you mean?” Jun didn’t like Sho’s tone.
“Let’s break up. In the end I realize that I was wrong, I can’t love a man. And doing it with a man is not something…natural. It’s dirty and shameful. Two men can’t love each other. I was wrong from the beginning, I don’t love you.”
Jun saw Sho’s lips moving, he heard the sounds coming out from his mouth but he didn’t understand a single word.
“Y-you can’t be serious?”
“I am. It’s over Jun.” With that Sho left the bathroom. He didn’t even bother to answer his band mates’ questions as he grabbed his stuff and left the green room in a rush.
“Where are you going? We’re still in the middle of shooting.” Aiba asked from the door.
“I don’t care!” Was Sho’s only response.
Nino looked at Jun through the opened door. “What happened? A lovers’ quarrel?”
“I’m not really sure.” Jun shook his head slowly as his brain tried to register what happened.
As the days passed, Jun didn’t have more explanations from Sho. To be honest, the youngest man spent his days watching Sho from afar. He noticed the changes in Sho’s behavior; how Sho looked tired, how he lost weight and didn’t eat at all during the breaks and more particularly how anxious he was when he was near Jun and not only him but the rest of the band. The rare moments when Sho seemed at ease was when the staff (and more particularly women) were in their green room doing their work. Sakurai didn’t speak much; he always stayed in a corner of the room, quiet and lost on his thoughts.
Something was bothering Sho, eating him alive from inside and it killed Jun that he couldn’t know what it was and how to help him. Despite the harsh words Sho told him, Jun still cared and loved his ex-boyfriend.
Things started to become clearer when one day Jun entered the green room, looking for Sho as the staff and the rest of the band were waiting for him to shoot a new episode of VS Arashi. Jun looked in the whole building, not finding the rapper. The last room he checked was their green room. Everything was quiet but the lights were on, meaning someone was inside. At first he didn’t notice Sho because he was laying into the sofa, sleeping soundly.
Jun knelt in front of Sho and watched him silently. He pushed back a strand of hair and whispered after a few seconds “What’s wrong with you, Sho? Please let me help you.”
Jun sighed as he realized how useless he was at the moment. Suddenly Sho started to whimper in his sleep but the soft noises became louder as Sho struggled. The whimpers became little by little coherent words, or more precisely pleads. Jun shook gently Sho to wake him up. When he opened his eyes, Sho looked at Jun right away, his face showing nothing but fear. Then his eyes fell upon Jun’s hands still on him and Jun felt Sho’s body becoming stiff. Naturally Jun let go of him and explained what he was doing here.
“You had a nightmare.”
“No I hadn’t.”
“Sho-kun, I can see clearly that you’re having trouble with something. Tell me what it is, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I’m fine! Leave me alone!”
Just when Jun was going to argue Sho’s phone rang, the idol almost jumped to pick it and started to act strangely when he recognized the phone number. In a rush he closed himself into the bathroom. It wasn’t in Jun’s nature to listen to private talks but something inside him told him he had to do it. He approached the bathroom door quietly and rested his ear against it.
“Hello? Yes Sakurai speaking. Yes… Tell me the results I’m more than ready.”
Results? And why Sho seemed so desperate?
“R-really? A-are you sure?” Then Jun heard a soft sob. “Thank God. Thank you. Thank you doctor! Oh my God thank you so much.”
The sobs became louder and Jun heard a soft thump against the door, meaning that Sho rested against it. Jun didn’t understand anything at all, but hearing the word ‘doctor’ he knew that Sho was hiding something about his health. Fortunately the results seemed good even though Jun didn’t know what it was about. He stayed here a few more minutes, listening to Sho’s cries and his words of thanks to no one in particular.
In the evening Jun wanted to know more about Sho’s case but since the main person wouldn’t talk to him and the fact that he was sure Sho wouldn’t like to know that Jun talked about his private life with others, Jun decided that his only tool was the internet. But how could he find his answers not knowing what was going on? Jun sat in his sofa and drank his glass in one go before opening the browser.
‘Strange behavior, fear, not eating, angry, feeling dirty, nightmares’
Jun pressed enter and the first result he got on the page didn’t please him at all. Worse, it scared him and as he clicked on the link he started to feel sick.
Despite all his will to not believe that it was the explanation he was waiting, as he read the long page, Jun started to understand. Each effect he read were right and described Sho’s behavior exactly. Everything became so clear and Jun cursed himself for not understanding earlier. As soon as he had read all the text, he stood up and grabbed his vest and his key before leaving his apartment in haste. While driving, Jun felt his heart beating faster and aching. He was an idiot for not knowing better, even though deep inside him he still hoped that he was wrong and that he was only paranoiac.
Jun stopped in front of Sho’s building and didn’t even bother to lock his car as he rushed inside. Waiting for the elevator to come down was a waste of time and Jun decided that running in the stairs would be faster. He wanted to see Sho so badly.
Breathless he stopped in front of Sho’s door and knocked furiously against the door. As always since that night, he heard soft footsteps from the other side and Sho’s worried voice after a few second of hesitation.
“Who’s there?”
Was he so scared? Even inside his own apartment? “It’s Jun. Please Sho open the door I need to see you.”
“I-it’s late Jun. You should go home.” Sho didn’t seem willing to open the door.
Jun ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “Listen, I know what happened! I think you need to talk about it! You can’t keep it to yourself. Despite what you said, I still consider myself your boyfriend and as your boyfriend I’m here to help you.”
Jun waited for any sign from Sho but both side remained silent for a long moment until he heard the door being unlocked and it opened slowly. Sho didn’t open it wide, just enough space for him to look through the door. What Jun saw in Sho’s eyes weren’t fear or sadness but anger. And something inside him told him that this anger was directed towards him and him only.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now please leave, it’s late.”
Just when Sho tried to close the door Jun blocked it with his hand. “Please Sho, let me get inside.” He whispered sadly.
After a short moment Sho let him enter. Jun closed the door behind him and looked into the apartment. It felt odd to be inside again after all those misses the past days. The first thing Jun noticed was how clean the apartment was. Sho had never been a pro regarding cleaning but today everything was sparkling and well tidied up; except for the broken mirror in the living room. After he had inspected the room, Jun focused on Sho. The rapper wore grey sweater and sweatpants and despite the blanket that covered his body Sho still looked to be cold.
“What do you want?” Sho’s voice made him realized that he hadn’t spoken since he entered the apartment.
“I think I know what happened to you.” Jun didn’t really know how to say it and he still hoped that he was wrong.
“Nothing happened at all.”
“Sho,” Jun started but stopped as he noticed that Sho took a step back as he approached him.
“That night.” He paused again, choosing his words carefully. “When you were supposed to meet me at my apartment.”
“I was sick. I already told you that I was sorry.” Sho said, crossing his arms around his upper body in a protective manner.
“Liar.” Jun stated, startling Sho. “You told me that you had work.”
Sho was lost for words for a few seconds before he shook his head and looked on the side. “Whatever. Being sick or busy, I don’t really remember.”
“Oh I’m sure you remember that night very well on the contrary.” Jun said softly as he moved forward slowly.
“Stop it!”
Jun stopped again and watched Sho carefully, studying his every movement. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There’s nothing to tell you!” Sho argued but Jun noticed the tears forming in his eyes.
Jun rested his hand on Sho’s cheek. “Sho, please…” he whispered as he felt Sho’s body tensed under his touch. He saw how tight he closed his eyes at the contact.
“Don’t touch me.” Sho begged helplessly.
“Why? You know that I won’t hurt you, right?” Jun said without breaking the contact.
“I-I’m,” he stuttered as he felt Jun’s breathe against his skin.
“I love you Sho, you can tell me everything.”
Just when Jun was about to kiss him, Sho pushed him strongly screaming “I’m dirty! Don’t come close to me!” Then he fell on his knees and covered his face with his hands as he cried loudly.
Jun’s heart broke not only because of Sho’s tears but also because he realized he was right from the beginning. Then he felt anger running through his veins. He was angry with Sho for not telling him, angry with that man who had hurt him but more importantly angry with himself for not understanding earlier and for not having been able to protect Sho. With each sobs Jun’s heart ached more, he wanted to hug him, to comfort him but he knew that Sho wouldn’t let him to touch him so he just stood there, kneeling in front of Sho and looking at him, totally useless.
They stood in this position for a long moment; Jun had lost all sense of time. He stood up and went into the kitchen when Sho’s had stopped to cry. The rapper only remained silent, his body resting against the wall and looking into space. He didn’t even move or care as Jun shuffled into the kitchen, making some tea for both of them. He just stood there, lifeless. Jun came back with a tray and two cups of warm tea. Silently he knelt down, put the tray on the floor between them and grabbed a cup he offered to Sho who still didn’t move as if he didn’t acknowledge Jun’s presence.
“Drink it, it will make you warm.” Jun said in a whisper as if he was afraid that talking louder would scare Sho again. Slowly Sho turned his head to face Jun; he looked at him for a moment until his eyes focused on the cup. He ignored it and stared again into space.
Jun sighed and put the cup on the floor. He didn’t know what to say; it killed him to see Sho in this state and he didn’t know what to do to help him. After a moment, Sho turned his face again and slowly he grabbed the cup with his two hands, then he drank it with little sips.
Jun couldn’t help but smile “Is it good?”
Sho nodded once and drank the rest of his tea, just like Jun. They fell silent once again, it lasted a long moment until Jun realized that Sho was sound asleep, his head resting against the wall. For a while Jun pondered if he should let Sho sleep there, knowing that holding him would wake him up, but the floor wasn’t the best place to take a rest and Jun was certain that Sho lacked of sleep. So, he decided to try and carefully he took Sho in his arms. The first thing his brain deduced as he hold Sho firmly was how light the idol felt, meaning that Sho had lost a lot of weight.
Jun brought Sho into his bed room and laid him down on his bed carefully. He was glad that Sho didn’t wake up at all. He watched him sleep for a moment, wondering how he could help him without showing pity because the main thing that Jun remembered from his research on the internet was how the victims felt towards pity; they didn’t want it and it wasn’t like Jun felt like that anyway. He brushed a few strands that covered Sho’s eyes and kissed his forehead gently.
Then, silently he opened the wardrobe in the corner and took out a cover. With one last glance at Sho’s sleeping form, Jun closed the door soundlessly and went to take a rest in the sofa.
[ Part 2]
Pairing: Sakumoto
Genre: Drama, violence (language and innuedo), angst
Rating: R (nothing graphic but just to be safe)
Lenght: 28 762 words
Summary: Just when Matsumoto and Sakurai start to live their life as a couple, something happened one night and Sakurai starts to avoid Matsumoto. Will Sho let Jun help him and discover the truth?
Note: This story is very long (maybe my the longest OS I wrote) and is unbeatated so there might be a lot of grammar mistakes. I apologize for that. Also if you're not at ease with serious topic skip this one.
****
Fear
They left the green room one by one once they had a change of clothes after the shoot for the TV show was over. First it was Ohno because he had another interview scheduled for his new drama, then Aiba and Nino who had planned a few weeks ago to have a drink together. MatsuJun and Sakurai were as always the last not because they weren’t busy but simply because it was their only chance to spend some time together.
MatsuJun was reading some e-mails on his phone while Sakurai closed his locker and picked his bag. Without saying anything, the rapper put on his vest and headed towards the exit. On his way he stopped at MatsuJun’s side and kissed his cheek softly.
“See you tonight?” Jun said without looking up but the smile on his face couldn’t hide his happiness.
“Of course,” Sho said with a shy voice. “I’ll be there at nine.”
Jun chuckled as the door closed. Never did he imagine that his relationship with Sho would make him so happy. It was still the beginning of their relationship but everything seemed so perfect and funny. Jun liked how Sho was shy every time they were alone; it was certainly because his band mate had never dated another man before. It was still vivid in his mind how everything started; how Jun confessed to Sho, how the latter accepted his feeling and how he clumsily said he was feeling the same. Even though Sakurai said he wasn’t ready to talk about it openly, Jun knew he was sincere and he just needed time. However something deep inside him told him that tonight their relationship would pass the next stage. They were only kissing and cuddling until now but Jun was sure that tonight would be a special night for the both of them.
Everything was planned to ensure a perfect night. Jun prepared Sho’s favorite dishes and opened his best bottle of wine for this exceptional night. As he checked the table Jun glanced at the clock; five minutes left before Sho’s arrival. If there was something that Jun liked the most it was Sho’s punctuality. He never came early but he was never late. Only two minutes left, Jun looked one last time at his reflection in the huge mirror in the hallway. The idol had chosen some simple clothes but not too casual: blue jeans, a black T-shirt and a white vest. He nodded at his reflection before automatically facing the door when it was finally nine o-clocks.
Five minutes late; Jun thought as he came in the dining room and sat at the table. Usually when Sho knew he would be late Jun would receive a call or at least an e-mail. Maybe Sho was outside, at the building entrance, looking for a place to park his car so there was no need to call him.
It didn’t take fifteen minutes to find a place. Jun checked his phone several times but still there were no signs from Sho.
After thirty minutes of waiting, Jun decided to call Sho. Something wasn’t right, at this time he would have called him already.
One hour and two minutes; Jun drank his glass of wine in one go as he heard the beep at the other side of the phone. “Sho-kun? It’s Jun again. Sorry to call you for the sixth time in less than ten minutes but I’m very worried. Where are you? Please call me back. It’s okay if you don’t come but please, let me know that you’re fine.”
When the clock finally reached eleven in the evening, Jun finished his third bottle of wine. The plate of pasta was cold since long ago and the last candle blew out as Jun put his empty glass on the table. He almost fell of his chair as he heard his phone ring and jumped to pick it. Jun sighed from relief as he read the message.
‘Can’t come now it’s too late. Sorry I had more work than expected.’
This kind of simple message would make Jun angry usually, but he was so relieved to have some news from Sho that it didn’t matter. The stress leaving his body, Jun felt suddenly tired. He turned off the light in the main room and headed to his bedroom thinking that he will ask Sho more explanation the next morning.
The following day, when he entered the room, Jun was very surprised to see his band mates leaving the green room.
“Where are you going?” He asked as Masaki stood in front of him.
“The filming is cancelled for today.” He said simply.
“Why? Something happened? Don’t tell me that there’s another problem with the cameras?” Jun grumbled.
“Actually,” Nino came behind Masaki followed by Satoshi. “Sho-kun is sick and since we have a few episodes already filmed in advance we cancelled this one.”
It took a few seconds for Jun’s brain to register. It was rather abnormal for Sho to cancel a work even when he was sick. So the second thought he had made him to panic. What kind of sickness could prevent Sho from going to work?
“Chill out Jun.” Nino laughed at Jun’s pale face. “His manager told us he just has a high fever and his doctor told him to stay at home for a day or two.”
That would explain a lot of things indeed. Sho was a workaholic but when a doctor gave him an order he would follow it no matter what.
Through the whole day MatsuJun tried to call Sho several times, during all his breaks he called no matter what but all his calls ended the same way: talking to the answering machine. Jun tried to think rationally; the main and only reason Sho didn’t answer his calls was because he was sick and couldn’t answer, maybe he was too tired and felt too sick to even move to pick up his phone.
That was why at the end of the day, Jun decided to go to Sho’s apartment. If the rapper didn’t have the force to pick up his phone he shouldn’t have eaten anything for the whole day and Jun wanted to see him badly.
Once he arrived at Sho’s door, he knocked several times, first softly and a bit harder when he had no response. Just when he started to freak out he heard some footsteps from inside, and his heart beat again when he heard Sho’s voice.
“Who’s there?” It was hard to hear Sho’s soft voice.
“It’s me, Sho-kun. I come to see how you feel and I brought something for you to eat.” Jun smiled even though Sho couldn’t see him.
“J-Jun? I don’t think it’s a good idea to come in. I-I’m sick and…” Sakurai might be really sick, his voice was so weak.
“Let me in. You know I fall ill hardly.”
“B-but I’m really sick, you know? And I’m tired, it’s better for you to…”
Jun sighed “Sho. If you’re scared because you think I’m mad at you for yesterday don’t worry I’m not. I just want to see my sick boyfriend. Now please, open the door, I’m really worried.”
There were no sounds from the other side of the door until Jun heard a soft ‘click’ meaning that Sho unlocked the door. Jun’s heart ached when he saw the face of his boyfriend.
“Oh my! You look terrible. I didn’t think you were that sick!”
Sakurai was wearing a sweater and loose pants, Jun couldn’t see him clearly because the door was only slightly open. Something caught Jun’s attention and he pushed the door a bit more, making Sho to take a step back.
“What happened to your face?” He asked as he noticed a big bruise on Sho’s right cheek.
Sho touched his cheek unconsciously and frowned at the pain even though he just touched it lightly. “I fainted because of the fever and knocked against the corner of my bedside table.”
Indeed Sho might have a high fever, he was sweating hard, his eyes were bright with fever and he had tousled hair.
“Oh Sho, let me take care of you,” Jun said lovingly as he took a step forward but Sho’s cry stopped him right away.
“NO!” Sho screamed quickly and added after a short time “I mean… I don’t want you to be sick as well.”
“Sho, are you alright?” Jun asked, worried.
“Y-yeah. I’m just tired. Please leave, I really want to sleep.”
“Okay,” Jun said reluctantly “but if you need anything, you know you can-“
The door closed before he had the time to finish his sentence “call me…” Jun stood in front of the door a few minutes, the bag with the hot soup still in his hands.
Sho was acting strangely but Jun thought he was just like himself when he was sick and didn’t liked to be bothered. In a few days everything would be back to normal.
Or that what he thought.
Sakurai didn’t come at work before a whole week. Jun had tried to talk to him several times but Sho never answered his calls, never replied to his messages, and each times he stopped by his apartment, he never crossed the door. So when Jun saw Sho in the green room after a week, his feelings were mixed. He was glad that he was back at work but a bit surprised that his boyfriend didn’t told him before. Moreover, the rapper was rather quiet during the breaks. He almost didn’t answer his band mates’ questions, didn’t laugh at their jokes or even replied when his manager was talking to him. Sho tried his best to act normal during their filming, but he never smiled, never talked to the guest as he was used to, and they needed to re-film some parts because Sho wasn’t listening or seemed lost in his thoughts. That last reason concerned Jun as well because he was too focused on Sho’s behavior to care about the filming.
Once the staff called for a break, the five men of the group went into their green room where a delicious meal was waiting for them. No one asked if Sho was alright because after being together for all those years they knew that the rapper didn’t like to be asked such a stupid question when visibly he wasn’t feeling right. So, casually Nino came to sit near Sho in the sofa, the latter giving more space to his friend. Nino offered him a plate but Sho refused it, saying he wasn’t hungry.
That was the sign they all needed to know that Sho wasn’t alright at all.
Jun stood up from the sofa opposite to them and bent to whisper into Sho’s ear “Can we talk?” MatsuJun noticed how tense Sho became at their closeness.
“W-we can talk here.” Sho suggested, not feeling comfortable.
“I think it would be better if we were alone, I want to talk to you about some private things.” Jun winked and smirked at Sho.
“Oh God,” Sho whispered as he covered his stomach with one hand and started to tremble. He stood up suddenly and ran towards the bathroom. The last four members watched the scene speechless and worried. Jun followed Sho in the bathroom where he heard the sounds Sho made as he threw up in the toilet.
“Sho?” Jun called as he approached Sho and rested a comforting hand on his back.
“Don’t touch me!” Sho’s scream resonated in his ears, startling Jun.
After a few seconds of silence, Sho turned around, his eyes teary, certainly caused by the effort he made as he threw up. “I-I mean, I’m dirty so don’t touch me.”
“Sho what’s going on? You’re acting strangely.” Jun asked really concerned as he watched Sho cleaning his face in the washbowl.
“What are you talking about? I’m fine ah-”Sho jumped and turned around as he noticed Jun standing just behind him through the mirror.
“See? I don’t think you’re fine. It looks like you’re scared of me.”
“That’s not that. It’s simply because you’re always sneaking up.” Sho answered as he washed his hands, his eyes never leaving Jun’s reflection on the mirror.
“Listen,” Jun sighed “If it’s about the other night, don’t worry I’m not mad at you. I know how often something unplanned can come up with our job.”
Sho avoided the topic right away as if he hadn’t heard Jun “I think it’s time for us to go back.”
“Sho,” Jun grabbed Sho’s wrist as he passed by his side. “What’s wrong? Is it because you’re scared of doing it? You know that I can wait; you don’t have to push yourself. A first time and more particularly with a man is a scary thing, so don’t worry you…”
“Stop saying things like that!” Sho cut him short angrily as he freed himself from Jun’s grip.
“Guys? Are you okay?” They heard Ohno’s voice from the other side of the door. Jun watched Sho washing his hands for a second time, totally speechless.
As he dried his hands, Sho sighed and talked to Jun’s reflection on the mirror. “You’re right about one thing. I can’t push myself anymore.”
“What do you mean?” Jun didn’t like Sho’s tone.
“Let’s break up. In the end I realize that I was wrong, I can’t love a man. And doing it with a man is not something…natural. It’s dirty and shameful. Two men can’t love each other. I was wrong from the beginning, I don’t love you.”
Jun saw Sho’s lips moving, he heard the sounds coming out from his mouth but he didn’t understand a single word.
“Y-you can’t be serious?”
“I am. It’s over Jun.” With that Sho left the bathroom. He didn’t even bother to answer his band mates’ questions as he grabbed his stuff and left the green room in a rush.
“Where are you going? We’re still in the middle of shooting.” Aiba asked from the door.
“I don’t care!” Was Sho’s only response.
Nino looked at Jun through the opened door. “What happened? A lovers’ quarrel?”
“I’m not really sure.” Jun shook his head slowly as his brain tried to register what happened.
As the days passed, Jun didn’t have more explanations from Sho. To be honest, the youngest man spent his days watching Sho from afar. He noticed the changes in Sho’s behavior; how Sho looked tired, how he lost weight and didn’t eat at all during the breaks and more particularly how anxious he was when he was near Jun and not only him but the rest of the band. The rare moments when Sho seemed at ease was when the staff (and more particularly women) were in their green room doing their work. Sakurai didn’t speak much; he always stayed in a corner of the room, quiet and lost on his thoughts.
Something was bothering Sho, eating him alive from inside and it killed Jun that he couldn’t know what it was and how to help him. Despite the harsh words Sho told him, Jun still cared and loved his ex-boyfriend.
Things started to become clearer when one day Jun entered the green room, looking for Sho as the staff and the rest of the band were waiting for him to shoot a new episode of VS Arashi. Jun looked in the whole building, not finding the rapper. The last room he checked was their green room. Everything was quiet but the lights were on, meaning someone was inside. At first he didn’t notice Sho because he was laying into the sofa, sleeping soundly.
Jun knelt in front of Sho and watched him silently. He pushed back a strand of hair and whispered after a few seconds “What’s wrong with you, Sho? Please let me help you.”
Jun sighed as he realized how useless he was at the moment. Suddenly Sho started to whimper in his sleep but the soft noises became louder as Sho struggled. The whimpers became little by little coherent words, or more precisely pleads. Jun shook gently Sho to wake him up. When he opened his eyes, Sho looked at Jun right away, his face showing nothing but fear. Then his eyes fell upon Jun’s hands still on him and Jun felt Sho’s body becoming stiff. Naturally Jun let go of him and explained what he was doing here.
“You had a nightmare.”
“No I hadn’t.”
“Sho-kun, I can see clearly that you’re having trouble with something. Tell me what it is, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I’m fine! Leave me alone!”
Just when Jun was going to argue Sho’s phone rang, the idol almost jumped to pick it and started to act strangely when he recognized the phone number. In a rush he closed himself into the bathroom. It wasn’t in Jun’s nature to listen to private talks but something inside him told him he had to do it. He approached the bathroom door quietly and rested his ear against it.
“Hello? Yes Sakurai speaking. Yes… Tell me the results I’m more than ready.”
Results? And why Sho seemed so desperate?
“R-really? A-are you sure?” Then Jun heard a soft sob. “Thank God. Thank you. Thank you doctor! Oh my God thank you so much.”
The sobs became louder and Jun heard a soft thump against the door, meaning that Sho rested against it. Jun didn’t understand anything at all, but hearing the word ‘doctor’ he knew that Sho was hiding something about his health. Fortunately the results seemed good even though Jun didn’t know what it was about. He stayed here a few more minutes, listening to Sho’s cries and his words of thanks to no one in particular.
In the evening Jun wanted to know more about Sho’s case but since the main person wouldn’t talk to him and the fact that he was sure Sho wouldn’t like to know that Jun talked about his private life with others, Jun decided that his only tool was the internet. But how could he find his answers not knowing what was going on? Jun sat in his sofa and drank his glass in one go before opening the browser.
‘Strange behavior, fear, not eating, angry, feeling dirty, nightmares’
Jun pressed enter and the first result he got on the page didn’t please him at all. Worse, it scared him and as he clicked on the link he started to feel sick.
Despite all his will to not believe that it was the explanation he was waiting, as he read the long page, Jun started to understand. Each effect he read were right and described Sho’s behavior exactly. Everything became so clear and Jun cursed himself for not understanding earlier. As soon as he had read all the text, he stood up and grabbed his vest and his key before leaving his apartment in haste. While driving, Jun felt his heart beating faster and aching. He was an idiot for not knowing better, even though deep inside him he still hoped that he was wrong and that he was only paranoiac.
Jun stopped in front of Sho’s building and didn’t even bother to lock his car as he rushed inside. Waiting for the elevator to come down was a waste of time and Jun decided that running in the stairs would be faster. He wanted to see Sho so badly.
Breathless he stopped in front of Sho’s door and knocked furiously against the door. As always since that night, he heard soft footsteps from the other side and Sho’s worried voice after a few second of hesitation.
“Who’s there?”
Was he so scared? Even inside his own apartment? “It’s Jun. Please Sho open the door I need to see you.”
“I-it’s late Jun. You should go home.” Sho didn’t seem willing to open the door.
Jun ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “Listen, I know what happened! I think you need to talk about it! You can’t keep it to yourself. Despite what you said, I still consider myself your boyfriend and as your boyfriend I’m here to help you.”
Jun waited for any sign from Sho but both side remained silent for a long moment until he heard the door being unlocked and it opened slowly. Sho didn’t open it wide, just enough space for him to look through the door. What Jun saw in Sho’s eyes weren’t fear or sadness but anger. And something inside him told him that this anger was directed towards him and him only.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now please leave, it’s late.”
Just when Sho tried to close the door Jun blocked it with his hand. “Please Sho, let me get inside.” He whispered sadly.
After a short moment Sho let him enter. Jun closed the door behind him and looked into the apartment. It felt odd to be inside again after all those misses the past days. The first thing Jun noticed was how clean the apartment was. Sho had never been a pro regarding cleaning but today everything was sparkling and well tidied up; except for the broken mirror in the living room. After he had inspected the room, Jun focused on Sho. The rapper wore grey sweater and sweatpants and despite the blanket that covered his body Sho still looked to be cold.
“What do you want?” Sho’s voice made him realized that he hadn’t spoken since he entered the apartment.
“I think I know what happened to you.” Jun didn’t really know how to say it and he still hoped that he was wrong.
“Nothing happened at all.”
“Sho,” Jun started but stopped as he noticed that Sho took a step back as he approached him.
“That night.” He paused again, choosing his words carefully. “When you were supposed to meet me at my apartment.”
“I was sick. I already told you that I was sorry.” Sho said, crossing his arms around his upper body in a protective manner.
“Liar.” Jun stated, startling Sho. “You told me that you had work.”
Sho was lost for words for a few seconds before he shook his head and looked on the side. “Whatever. Being sick or busy, I don’t really remember.”
“Oh I’m sure you remember that night very well on the contrary.” Jun said softly as he moved forward slowly.
“Stop it!”
Jun stopped again and watched Sho carefully, studying his every movement. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There’s nothing to tell you!” Sho argued but Jun noticed the tears forming in his eyes.
Jun rested his hand on Sho’s cheek. “Sho, please…” he whispered as he felt Sho’s body tensed under his touch. He saw how tight he closed his eyes at the contact.
“Don’t touch me.” Sho begged helplessly.
“Why? You know that I won’t hurt you, right?” Jun said without breaking the contact.
“I-I’m,” he stuttered as he felt Jun’s breathe against his skin.
“I love you Sho, you can tell me everything.”
Just when Jun was about to kiss him, Sho pushed him strongly screaming “I’m dirty! Don’t come close to me!” Then he fell on his knees and covered his face with his hands as he cried loudly.
Jun’s heart broke not only because of Sho’s tears but also because he realized he was right from the beginning. Then he felt anger running through his veins. He was angry with Sho for not telling him, angry with that man who had hurt him but more importantly angry with himself for not understanding earlier and for not having been able to protect Sho. With each sobs Jun’s heart ached more, he wanted to hug him, to comfort him but he knew that Sho wouldn’t let him to touch him so he just stood there, kneeling in front of Sho and looking at him, totally useless.
They stood in this position for a long moment; Jun had lost all sense of time. He stood up and went into the kitchen when Sho’s had stopped to cry. The rapper only remained silent, his body resting against the wall and looking into space. He didn’t even move or care as Jun shuffled into the kitchen, making some tea for both of them. He just stood there, lifeless. Jun came back with a tray and two cups of warm tea. Silently he knelt down, put the tray on the floor between them and grabbed a cup he offered to Sho who still didn’t move as if he didn’t acknowledge Jun’s presence.
“Drink it, it will make you warm.” Jun said in a whisper as if he was afraid that talking louder would scare Sho again. Slowly Sho turned his head to face Jun; he looked at him for a moment until his eyes focused on the cup. He ignored it and stared again into space.
Jun sighed and put the cup on the floor. He didn’t know what to say; it killed him to see Sho in this state and he didn’t know what to do to help him. After a moment, Sho turned his face again and slowly he grabbed the cup with his two hands, then he drank it with little sips.
Jun couldn’t help but smile “Is it good?”
Sho nodded once and drank the rest of his tea, just like Jun. They fell silent once again, it lasted a long moment until Jun realized that Sho was sound asleep, his head resting against the wall. For a while Jun pondered if he should let Sho sleep there, knowing that holding him would wake him up, but the floor wasn’t the best place to take a rest and Jun was certain that Sho lacked of sleep. So, he decided to try and carefully he took Sho in his arms. The first thing his brain deduced as he hold Sho firmly was how light the idol felt, meaning that Sho had lost a lot of weight.
Jun brought Sho into his bed room and laid him down on his bed carefully. He was glad that Sho didn’t wake up at all. He watched him sleep for a moment, wondering how he could help him without showing pity because the main thing that Jun remembered from his research on the internet was how the victims felt towards pity; they didn’t want it and it wasn’t like Jun felt like that anyway. He brushed a few strands that covered Sho’s eyes and kissed his forehead gently.
Then, silently he opened the wardrobe in the corner and took out a cover. With one last glance at Sho’s sleeping form, Jun closed the door soundlessly and went to take a rest in the sofa.
[ Part 2]