Spring break just doesn't feel like spring break.
I just can't seem to feel excited for spring break this week. I figure it's probably the fact that i've been working for the most part and only getting to see Niki so often, but still. I'm feeling an annoying mix of depression and also uselessness. The uselessness is mostly because of my utter failing at my job.
How am I failing? Technically i'm not, really. I do my job and that's that. But i'm not doing my job as well as I could be or should be doing. I'm still doing the same mundane crap I was doing when I first started here, and i'm still making screw-ups. I get called out on them more and more and I just feel like I've lost most if not all interest in my work. Honestly, I feel like I should have been fired at least three times by now and the only reason I'm even still here is because I'm a family member.
Now, I keep telling myself that this is stupid and I shouldn't feel like that over the tiny mistakes I've made, but still. It doesn't help that my mom has this crazy notion that my uncle wants me to take over the company when he retires. I honestly feel that this is an unfounded assumption on my mom's part. Besides, I don't think he'd want me to with the way I work. Unless he flat out tells me he wants me to take over the company when he retires, I'm assuming he doesn't want me to. Even then, it's doubtful I'd take it over. I just don't see myself doing this 20 years from now.
Anyway, moving on from one subject to another I suppose...
I guess the next two things bumming me out are both school related. The first issue being my shit tons of homework. I know it's my fault for letting it build up like I have, but I' still bogged down by it. My goal for tonight is to try and get as much of it done as possible, but I know myself and I don't think it'll all be done tonight. Especially since I have field study tomorrow and I need to go to bed really early tonight. The homework is just depressing me as a whole, as it's not fun and I don't really enjoy the classes the work is for at all. It's hard to bring yourself to work on something you hate. Still, I'm going to try and get it over with. my other issue with school right now is the school itself.
I'm frustrated with this college as a whole. Everything about this college lately has been pissing me off, be it the way our credits are set up (making it nearly impossible to graduate "on-time"), the guest policy, or the administration in general. I feel like the guest policy is what's getting to me the most in the long run. I just feel that FSC's policy is just....retarded, on a whole. I've seen how other schools work and ours is completly diffrent. Why is it that FSC has to make life difficult for there students? I just don't understand this school sometimes. Honestly I've thought about transfering once or twice but at this point I feel like it just wouldn't make any difference.
For the most part I think this is only bugging me because I'm going to have to deal with another semester without Niki there. It bothers me that she didn't get back into the college, as she only has one more year to go. Even then, I can deal with her not always being there but I would have liked to not have to count the days that she can be. I guess that's a selfish complaint on my end, but fuck it, I'm allowed to be selfish once in awhile when it comes to things like this. Anyway...
Oh, my idiot brother is on arrest number three. The first two were concerning pot, this time he actually went and got caught breaking into a car junk yard and stealing shit. At this point I've essentially stopped caring what happens and I sincerely hope he-does-get jail time. I really think that's the only way he'll straighten out. It's unfortunate that this is how things are turning out for him, but he dug his own grave. Still, it doesn't help my mood any.
Moving onto something a little less depressing...
My birthday is this Saturday and I feel like I should be more excited for it than I am. My mom is coming up and were going out to dinner with my aunt and uncle. I plan to go out after with Niki and hopefully Erica and Steve as well. Though I have no idea were we would be going and I still need to call them both. I'll probably do that tonight or tomorrow with Niki. I don't really want to go anyplace to out of the way, but at the same time I almost wouldn't mind going into Boston. I just don't want to get drunk and then have to drive back up here. Not that I plan to get drunk really. Anyway, I should get back to work, my lunch "break" is up.
Update Later~~~
How am I failing? Technically i'm not, really. I do my job and that's that. But i'm not doing my job as well as I could be or should be doing. I'm still doing the same mundane crap I was doing when I first started here, and i'm still making screw-ups. I get called out on them more and more and I just feel like I've lost most if not all interest in my work. Honestly, I feel like I should have been fired at least three times by now and the only reason I'm even still here is because I'm a family member.
Now, I keep telling myself that this is stupid and I shouldn't feel like that over the tiny mistakes I've made, but still. It doesn't help that my mom has this crazy notion that my uncle wants me to take over the company when he retires. I honestly feel that this is an unfounded assumption on my mom's part. Besides, I don't think he'd want me to with the way I work. Unless he flat out tells me he wants me to take over the company when he retires, I'm assuming he doesn't want me to. Even then, it's doubtful I'd take it over. I just don't see myself doing this 20 years from now.
Anyway, moving on from one subject to another I suppose...
I guess the next two things bumming me out are both school related. The first issue being my shit tons of homework. I know it's my fault for letting it build up like I have, but I' still bogged down by it. My goal for tonight is to try and get as much of it done as possible, but I know myself and I don't think it'll all be done tonight. Especially since I have field study tomorrow and I need to go to bed really early tonight. The homework is just depressing me as a whole, as it's not fun and I don't really enjoy the classes the work is for at all. It's hard to bring yourself to work on something you hate. Still, I'm going to try and get it over with. my other issue with school right now is the school itself.
I'm frustrated with this college as a whole. Everything about this college lately has been pissing me off, be it the way our credits are set up (making it nearly impossible to graduate "on-time"), the guest policy, or the administration in general. I feel like the guest policy is what's getting to me the most in the long run. I just feel that FSC's policy is just....retarded, on a whole. I've seen how other schools work and ours is completly diffrent. Why is it that FSC has to make life difficult for there students? I just don't understand this school sometimes. Honestly I've thought about transfering once or twice but at this point I feel like it just wouldn't make any difference.
For the most part I think this is only bugging me because I'm going to have to deal with another semester without Niki there. It bothers me that she didn't get back into the college, as she only has one more year to go. Even then, I can deal with her not always being there but I would have liked to not have to count the days that she can be. I guess that's a selfish complaint on my end, but fuck it, I'm allowed to be selfish once in awhile when it comes to things like this. Anyway...
Oh, my idiot brother is on arrest number three. The first two were concerning pot, this time he actually went and got caught breaking into a car junk yard and stealing shit. At this point I've essentially stopped caring what happens and I sincerely hope he-does-get jail time. I really think that's the only way he'll straighten out. It's unfortunate that this is how things are turning out for him, but he dug his own grave. Still, it doesn't help my mood any.
Moving onto something a little less depressing...
My birthday is this Saturday and I feel like I should be more excited for it than I am. My mom is coming up and were going out to dinner with my aunt and uncle. I plan to go out after with Niki and hopefully Erica and Steve as well. Though I have no idea were we would be going and I still need to call them both. I'll probably do that tonight or tomorrow with Niki. I don't really want to go anyplace to out of the way, but at the same time I almost wouldn't mind going into Boston. I just don't want to get drunk and then have to drive back up here. Not that I plan to get drunk really. Anyway, I should get back to work, my lunch "break" is up.
Update Later~~~