I haven't fixed myself yet
I still have the same problem as I did, but less so. It's only in the quiet moments, when I stop, and my mind is allowed to go where it goes, that I'm suffocated by unhappiness and uncertainty. Because I don't feel like this is right, this prep college thing, my horrible classes and worse professors, my shitty job, my debt, faking smiles when my roommate talks, leaving Greg behind (this is one of my biggest regrets/worries), the many secrets that I keep--from my family especially, the fact that the people I knew are just GONE and I've been brushed away so easily, the small but somehow painful issues in my relationship, the friendships I have at school that are not that close because I just don't let people in...
I'm just overtaken by this gnawing feeling of unease, this feeling that almost everything is wrong. And that out of all of it, all I want to hang on to is the people I have now, and no one and nothing else. This is why I brok up with James, this feeling, but I don't regret it, because to try to keep up a relationship when you feel the way i felt is a definite recipe for disaster, and it would just have engendered so much more pain to try to prolong it.
ANd as for him, it's time for me to admit that I'm pissed, because he hasn't grown the fuck up yet. As soon as something is actually difficult for the first time in his life he cuts and runs. And doesn't come around. So now, I'm supposed to pretend not to see him on campus, or leave if I know he's coming, or what-have you, but I'm done, because I don't feel guilty anymore. He played that card a few too many times, and it got worn out.
All of this BS only tells me that I made the right decision, because I was obviously not that important as a person to him. I was a sexual outlet, and an ideal image of what he wanted to have one day, and his avenue of getting it. The friendship aspect of our relationship meant nothing, apparently, because he was able to turn his back on two+ years of it without remorse or regret. I would understand if he asked for some time and some space, to get his head on straight, but to ban me from his life forever and entirely is absurd and just makes me more sure that I don't regret my decision. I've had enough of being manipulated, and I resent it.
Not sure why I wrote this...maybe because it's time for me to stop bottling it up, who knows. But I think I'm just done walking on tiptoes for other people, who use me and don't give a shit about me by the time they're finished.
I'm just overtaken by this gnawing feeling of unease, this feeling that almost everything is wrong. And that out of all of it, all I want to hang on to is the people I have now, and no one and nothing else. This is why I brok up with James, this feeling, but I don't regret it, because to try to keep up a relationship when you feel the way i felt is a definite recipe for disaster, and it would just have engendered so much more pain to try to prolong it.
ANd as for him, it's time for me to admit that I'm pissed, because he hasn't grown the fuck up yet. As soon as something is actually difficult for the first time in his life he cuts and runs. And doesn't come around. So now, I'm supposed to pretend not to see him on campus, or leave if I know he's coming, or what-have you, but I'm done, because I don't feel guilty anymore. He played that card a few too many times, and it got worn out.
All of this BS only tells me that I made the right decision, because I was obviously not that important as a person to him. I was a sexual outlet, and an ideal image of what he wanted to have one day, and his avenue of getting it. The friendship aspect of our relationship meant nothing, apparently, because he was able to turn his back on two+ years of it without remorse or regret. I would understand if he asked for some time and some space, to get his head on straight, but to ban me from his life forever and entirely is absurd and just makes me more sure that I don't regret my decision. I've had enough of being manipulated, and I resent it.
Not sure why I wrote this...maybe because it's time for me to stop bottling it up, who knows. But I think I'm just done walking on tiptoes for other people, who use me and don't give a shit about me by the time they're finished.