Sherlock Fanfiction: Night View from the Mind Palace

[saki101]

Title: Night View from the Mind Palace
Author: Saki101
Genre: slash
Rating: R (this section), NC-17 (overall)
Length: ~2500 words
Warning: AU, post The Reichenbach Fall
Disclaimer: I don't own BBC's Sherlock and no money is being made.
Author's notes: This is a continuation of the Other Experiments Series which forms an AU frame for

Comments

[chapbook]

I love the rhythm of the structure in this chapter! The way you build tension in the first half is excellent; we are made to share Sherlock's impatience and longing. I like the change in the flow of time, after the pivotal memory of Sherlock and John's silent communication in 221B before TRF. Hey, I just noticed that the intimate memory is the stand-in for the sex (or cuddle?) they have once John falls unconscious. Excellent idea! I think your structural decisions help avoid the "sex rut" some fics seem to get into, while maintaining the tension and atmosphere that are central to the parts of this series.

A clever verbal turn here: "Sentiment. A chemical defect. Nothing solid remained of the chunk of roof sequestered in the room next to the morgue. The liquid had begun to evaporate, lacing the room with wisps of grimy fog. The chemical effect of John’s sentiment."

If I had to give a suggestion for this chapter, I would say that you might want to consider marking Sherlock's memory of his past interaction with John. It's a fabulous moment, but some readers might get confused (I'm not sure if I had to re-read this the first time I encountered it, but I can imagine a reader being tripped up at first). I don't know if italics would set it off correctly in the context of this story, as I see you use them to indicate a character's thoughts...

So, yes, I loved the structure here. I'm trying to find an apt metaphor: is it a meandering river, or a stream pool? It feels like time moves slowly, then speeds up, then slows near the end: spending the first half on one night in the library, with the pivotal memory shifting us past the end of that reunion. The reader is spun out into the racing current as a large chunk of time passes swiftly (indicated by the cycle of Sherlock's visits). Finally, the reader is caught in another "pool"; Sherlock and John move towards another of their reunions.

One last thing: I like the brevity of the sections that contain Sherlock's confessions to John in the second half of this shapter.

[saki101]

What a pleasure to find your comments on this. I have been thinking about them all, but particularly the matter of how to set off Sherlock's memory while he's sitting with John up in the alcove. I had considered italics, but thought that would be more confusing since I've been using them for direct thoughts. I could modify the previous sentence to "Sherlock let his head fall back against the books, closed his eyes and remembered..." and then start the next paragraph with an elipsis, without a capital letter, "...sometimes". Do you think that would signal the shift without being too obvious?

...the intimate memory is the stand-in for the sex (or cuddle?) they have once John falls unconscious.

Definitely a stand-in for sex as that would be the most efficient way for them both to be "refreshed" biologically. However, Sherlock is missing the mutuality of their past encounters. It isn't just John's body that he needs. I am happy you feel the substitution works because I considered a lot of different options for that scene.

Just tickled that you liked the "chemical defect" paragraph.

I stared at the water images in your links and considered them for quite a while. Perhaps it's a meandering river with occasional stream pools? (I really like both images.) I'm glad the speed changes didn't make you motion sick!

The confessions were so intense, I thought they needed to be spread out. I'm pleased you didn't think them too sparse or disjointed.

Many, many thanks for this!

[chapbook]

You're welcome!

I think the change you suggested re: Sherlock's memory of his interaction with John sounds sensible. The ellipses I assume would act as a fade out/fade in effect?

As for the structure: I like writers who aren't afraid to experiment. Yes, you can fall on your face when you do that, but the successful results can be so striking and lovely (how I see the structure).

You know, Aderyn might provide an excellent second opinion on the structure here, if you are unsure about it. I know she's read your work and she's offered assistance to others before.