How To: Hitch a Breeder - Step 15a/15
A/N: LAST CHAPTER WILL BE UP ON FRIDAY, OKAY, OMG?! *FLAILS* Uni semester end is kicking my lazy procrastinator ass big time, so I could really use some comment love, pleasethankyou! <3
[ previous chapters ]
Step 15a: Duck Your Head / Prime Numbers
Brian had felt a shift that one night and it had made him nervous.
Avoiding Justin and their post-shift dynamic had seemed like a clever tactic. It had worked for the past three days. On day four, however, any tactic was destroyed by the little words 4:30 pm - Justin / re: Denning flashing in blue on Brian’s electronic schedule.
Justin had felt a certain way to him that night and Brian knew he’d never forget it. He had given away things that he’d meant to keep to himself. It had been too much. The shift had been there and now Brian had to find back into his balance.
The past few days, Brian had tried not to think about Justin having to sort through the mess his mother had left. It wasn’t like it was any of Brian’s business.
When Justin did come in at 4:25, he looked okay. Brian felt relief consume him and he didn’t think further than that when he leaned forward as Justin neared the desk. His lips felt soft and warm, like they always did.
“Hey,” Justin said and Brian tried not to notice the surprised smile on his face.
Instead, he jumped right into background color, font families and ratio. As always, Justin knew how to keep up, bring input to the table and engage in banter that could’ve fooled anyone into believing that he did not have an appointment with a tombstone mason in an hour. Brian got that bit of information from Ted earlier, wholly unprompted, of course.
“So, do you wanna get something to eat later tonight?” Justin asked.
Brian kind of did. But it wasn’t right. He remembered holding Justin close, fucking telling him he was special, stroking his skin long after he’d fallen asleep. No, it was the wrong image. “I have plans,” he said.
“Oh, alright. Then, I was thinking, on Saturday I could-”
“Justin, we’re not a freaking couple, okay?” Brian suddenly felt angry with the world. With the world that did not move accordingly to his pace and that had constructed his balance of such frail constitution.
“I know that.”
The change of tone gave Brian goose bumps. “Good. Just wanted to make that clear.” Being the idiot that he sometimes was, Brian added, “Another lesson on your path to true fagdom: We fuck and we suck. Relationship bullshit should be reserved for the breeders.”
Justin backed away. It was only an inch, maybe two, but Brian noticed. He swallowed what tasted like regret and watched Justin gather himself.
“And what if I want to have a relationship?”
Brian scoffed, the familiar territory itching in his fingers. “I suggest getting yourself an account on lonelyqueers dot com then.” The last words tasted toxic on Brian’s tongue and he looked at Justin for confirmation.
Yes, the poisoning was there.
“You’re telling me that romance and relationships are not for gays. That, being a fag now myself, I can’t have that.”
“Well,-”
“Or are you telling me that I can’t have that with you?”
Both, Brian thought. Brian was meant to be single, to take only, to live the advantages of the good fag life and nothing more. Brian couldn’t be in a couple. He didn’t work with anyone but himself. He was a fucking prime number.
Relationship? No, Brian didn’t want that.
When he turned back around, Justin was watching him, weirdly concentrated and intense. Obviously having come to a decision, his features softened again. “Well,” he announced. “I suppose I’ll have to find someone whom I can have that with, then.”
Brian blinked furiously.
Justin got up and started gathering his things. “We’re all done with the boards, right?” he asked, offhandedly. At Brian’s nod he gave a strained smile. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean this to come out like an ultimatum or anything like that, but um,” A rebellious folder refused to ease into the satchel. “I think… I think, what I need right now, is to find someone who can at least imagine something similar to a relationship. Someone else, then.”
Brian wordlessly accepted the peck on the cheek, watched Justin leave and, although he couldn’t explain it, felt cheated by the universe.
Someone else, then?
Brian kind of didn’t want that either.
+
Justin had bought them in every color he could find. One by one he let the daisies sail down onto the coffin, mixing with the soil the priest had let down.
When the last flower had landed, Justin forced himself away. He knew that he wouldn’t want to remain. He turned around swiftly, hearing the gravel crunch beneath his shoes as he walked.
It was time. Time to start a new life chapter, with himself as the uncontested protagonist.
And if Brian didn’t want any part in it, then so be it.
+
For a long time Brian had thought about whether to come or stay away.
Leaning against the side of his car, he inhaled the expensive smoke. The gray fog filtered in front of his eyes, the faint menthol taste aiding the recreation of the memory.
<<
Brian was done in the bathroom. Freshly showered and teeth-brushed, he leaned against the door frame. Justin was still asleep.
Waking up next to him wasn’t so scary the second time around, but it still felt strange. Justin, all blond-white, stood out against the dark bedding, and Brian wondered if that should be an indication for something. He smiled, remembering that he’d always appreciated contrast. Justin looked warm and soft and Brian decided that he would be late to the office.
Shoulder, back, all felt even softer than they had looked. Brian found the slightly reddened spot where his teeth had pressed down the night before and he ran his lips over it. Soon Justin began to stir and turn and Brian wished he had more time. But when he found Justin smiling up at him, sleepy-eyed and sated, Brian didn’t mind so much anymore.
The sheets were tangled around Justin’s middle when Brian pressed his body down on his. He licked Justin’s mouth, sharing his minty breath between them. Justin moaned and arched up and Brian felt a shiver run down his spine, all the way down into his toes. He moved on to the neck and jaw he couldn’t stop nibbling on. He would have to add a new fetish to his list.
Brian needed to decide what he wanted to do, but Justin’s smell made him dizzy. Or maybe it was simply the early hour. Putting the decision off to later, he started moving, pressing his hips into Justin’s. The responding whimper made him harder, needier, and push into Justin’s linen-covered crotch harder. He should’ve gotten rid of the cloth, have him naked, but that idea didn’t correspond so well with his thoughts of now and good.
He couldn’t remember the last time he was desperate enough to actually dry-hump someone. If it weren’t for the otherworldly delicious friction and Justin’s hot breath in his mouth, Brian might’ve actually felt ridiculous.
But it was fucking good. It seemed, everything with Justin was.
>>
Brian watched as Justin walked down the bendy path, shoulders squared.
Justin seemed to hesitate for a quick second when he saw him but continued his brisk walk. He looked older, taller, when he came to stand in front of Brian.
“What are you doing here?”
Brian dropped his cigarette to the ground. “I thought that you would hate this. And that you would want to get away from the others as soon as possible.”
“You would be right.”
Justin had told him one night how much he used to enjoy just driving around in a car. Just driving, till coming by a spot that for whatever reason compelled him to stop and get out. He’d said he’d had some of the best realizations come to him during those expeditions. Reason and hope had a way of snapping back into place if you just outdrove them for a moment.
“I thought we could go for a drive,” Brian proposed and had to wait endless moments for Justin’s reaction.
+
They ended up stopping on some abandoned factory site half an hour outside the city. They were lying on the hood of the car, drinking cheap wine they bought at the last gas station they’d passed. Brian wondered if he could get a taxi to drive out here if he drank any more. He didn’t even know if his cell phone got a signal.
“You don’t see the stars this clearly in the city.”
Brian turned to lie fully on his back again. His back would kill him in the morning. “No, you don’t.”
“It’s fucking beautiful out here.”
Looking around, taking in desolate walls and cracked parking lots, Brian wondered how much Justin’d had to drink.
“Thanks.”
Brian wasn’t going to react to that. He closed his eyes and concentrated. It was weird not having any background noise at all.
“You know what most of the people at the funeral were thinking?”
“What?”
“They were thinking: What a tragedy. Poor Justin. But well, he must feel a bit relieved now.” Brian heard him take another swig from the bottle. “And you want to know the worst part?”
No, he didn’t. Brian kept silent again. He had nothing to offer here. But then Justin rolled to his side, waiting for Brian to turn to him.
After long moments, Brian relented. “What’s the worst part?”
“That it’s true,” Justin whispered and Brian swore he could see something break inside his eyes.
Brian had no idea what type of glue one needed to fix this, but when he reached out and Justin buried his head in his chest, he figured he wasn’t doing the worst job.
It was much later when Justin started talking again. “You know, you’re actually pretty good at this.”
Brian eyed their surroundings again. “Reenacting the beginning of every teenage horror flick?”
Justin huffed a laugh and lightly shook his head into Brian’s jacket. “And you wouldn’t suck at the relationship part either”
Brian attributed his lack of initial response to the five-bucks alcohol in his system. These were the kinds of conversations he usually tried to avoid. It came out without any steam when he finally said, “I told you about this, Justin. You know who I am.”
“I guess I do.” Justin yawned and snuggled deeper into Brian. “I’ve changed so much in the past couple of weeks. My life has practically jumped a completely different train. And albeit not quite as elegantly as I would’ve wished, still, I’m dealing with it. Why can’t you stretch your rules a little?”
Brian wanted to laugh. Justin didn’t know what he was talking about. He had no idea how much Brian had bent his rules already. They were stretched so widely, in fact, they were going to snap at any second. Brian was sure of it. Especially now, in this moment.
He ducked into Justin’s neck and waited for the blow of the snap. Right to the head.
But instead of the blow there were Justin’s lips on his neck, and as he pulled back a little, on the underside of his chin.
With Justin held close, Brian rolled back to stare up into the night sky and wondered.
If Justin was cushioning the crack?
[ Step 15b - Finale ]
[ previous chapters ]
Step 15a: Duck Your Head / Prime Numbers
Brian had felt a shift that one night and it had made him nervous.
Avoiding Justin and their post-shift dynamic had seemed like a clever tactic. It had worked for the past three days. On day four, however, any tactic was destroyed by the little words 4:30 pm - Justin / re: Denning flashing in blue on Brian’s electronic schedule.
Justin had felt a certain way to him that night and Brian knew he’d never forget it. He had given away things that he’d meant to keep to himself. It had been too much. The shift had been there and now Brian had to find back into his balance.
The past few days, Brian had tried not to think about Justin having to sort through the mess his mother had left. It wasn’t like it was any of Brian’s business.
When Justin did come in at 4:25, he looked okay. Brian felt relief consume him and he didn’t think further than that when he leaned forward as Justin neared the desk. His lips felt soft and warm, like they always did.
“Hey,” Justin said and Brian tried not to notice the surprised smile on his face.
Instead, he jumped right into background color, font families and ratio. As always, Justin knew how to keep up, bring input to the table and engage in banter that could’ve fooled anyone into believing that he did not have an appointment with a tombstone mason in an hour. Brian got that bit of information from Ted earlier, wholly unprompted, of course.
“So, do you wanna get something to eat later tonight?” Justin asked.
Brian kind of did. But it wasn’t right. He remembered holding Justin close, fucking telling him he was special, stroking his skin long after he’d fallen asleep. No, it was the wrong image. “I have plans,” he said.
“Oh, alright. Then, I was thinking, on Saturday I could-”
“Justin, we’re not a freaking couple, okay?” Brian suddenly felt angry with the world. With the world that did not move accordingly to his pace and that had constructed his balance of such frail constitution.
“I know that.”
The change of tone gave Brian goose bumps. “Good. Just wanted to make that clear.” Being the idiot that he sometimes was, Brian added, “Another lesson on your path to true fagdom: We fuck and we suck. Relationship bullshit should be reserved for the breeders.”
Justin backed away. It was only an inch, maybe two, but Brian noticed. He swallowed what tasted like regret and watched Justin gather himself.
“And what if I want to have a relationship?”
Brian scoffed, the familiar territory itching in his fingers. “I suggest getting yourself an account on lonelyqueers dot com then.” The last words tasted toxic on Brian’s tongue and he looked at Justin for confirmation.
Yes, the poisoning was there.
“You’re telling me that romance and relationships are not for gays. That, being a fag now myself, I can’t have that.”
“Well,-”
“Or are you telling me that I can’t have that with you?”
Both, Brian thought. Brian was meant to be single, to take only, to live the advantages of the good fag life and nothing more. Brian couldn’t be in a couple. He didn’t work with anyone but himself. He was a fucking prime number.
Relationship? No, Brian didn’t want that.
When he turned back around, Justin was watching him, weirdly concentrated and intense. Obviously having come to a decision, his features softened again. “Well,” he announced. “I suppose I’ll have to find someone whom I can have that with, then.”
Brian blinked furiously.
Justin got up and started gathering his things. “We’re all done with the boards, right?” he asked, offhandedly. At Brian’s nod he gave a strained smile. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean this to come out like an ultimatum or anything like that, but um,” A rebellious folder refused to ease into the satchel. “I think… I think, what I need right now, is to find someone who can at least imagine something similar to a relationship. Someone else, then.”
Brian wordlessly accepted the peck on the cheek, watched Justin leave and, although he couldn’t explain it, felt cheated by the universe.
Someone else, then?
Brian kind of didn’t want that either.
+
Justin had bought them in every color he could find. One by one he let the daisies sail down onto the coffin, mixing with the soil the priest had let down.
When the last flower had landed, Justin forced himself away. He knew that he wouldn’t want to remain. He turned around swiftly, hearing the gravel crunch beneath his shoes as he walked.
It was time. Time to start a new life chapter, with himself as the uncontested protagonist.
And if Brian didn’t want any part in it, then so be it.
+
For a long time Brian had thought about whether to come or stay away.
Leaning against the side of his car, he inhaled the expensive smoke. The gray fog filtered in front of his eyes, the faint menthol taste aiding the recreation of the memory.
<<
Brian was done in the bathroom. Freshly showered and teeth-brushed, he leaned against the door frame. Justin was still asleep.
Waking up next to him wasn’t so scary the second time around, but it still felt strange. Justin, all blond-white, stood out against the dark bedding, and Brian wondered if that should be an indication for something. He smiled, remembering that he’d always appreciated contrast. Justin looked warm and soft and Brian decided that he would be late to the office.
Shoulder, back, all felt even softer than they had looked. Brian found the slightly reddened spot where his teeth had pressed down the night before and he ran his lips over it. Soon Justin began to stir and turn and Brian wished he had more time. But when he found Justin smiling up at him, sleepy-eyed and sated, Brian didn’t mind so much anymore.
The sheets were tangled around Justin’s middle when Brian pressed his body down on his. He licked Justin’s mouth, sharing his minty breath between them. Justin moaned and arched up and Brian felt a shiver run down his spine, all the way down into his toes. He moved on to the neck and jaw he couldn’t stop nibbling on. He would have to add a new fetish to his list.
Brian needed to decide what he wanted to do, but Justin’s smell made him dizzy. Or maybe it was simply the early hour. Putting the decision off to later, he started moving, pressing his hips into Justin’s. The responding whimper made him harder, needier, and push into Justin’s linen-covered crotch harder. He should’ve gotten rid of the cloth, have him naked, but that idea didn’t correspond so well with his thoughts of now and good.
He couldn’t remember the last time he was desperate enough to actually dry-hump someone. If it weren’t for the otherworldly delicious friction and Justin’s hot breath in his mouth, Brian might’ve actually felt ridiculous.
But it was fucking good. It seemed, everything with Justin was.
>>
Brian watched as Justin walked down the bendy path, shoulders squared.
Justin seemed to hesitate for a quick second when he saw him but continued his brisk walk. He looked older, taller, when he came to stand in front of Brian.
“What are you doing here?”
Brian dropped his cigarette to the ground. “I thought that you would hate this. And that you would want to get away from the others as soon as possible.”
“You would be right.”
Justin had told him one night how much he used to enjoy just driving around in a car. Just driving, till coming by a spot that for whatever reason compelled him to stop and get out. He’d said he’d had some of the best realizations come to him during those expeditions. Reason and hope had a way of snapping back into place if you just outdrove them for a moment.
“I thought we could go for a drive,” Brian proposed and had to wait endless moments for Justin’s reaction.
+
They ended up stopping on some abandoned factory site half an hour outside the city. They were lying on the hood of the car, drinking cheap wine they bought at the last gas station they’d passed. Brian wondered if he could get a taxi to drive out here if he drank any more. He didn’t even know if his cell phone got a signal.
“You don’t see the stars this clearly in the city.”
Brian turned to lie fully on his back again. His back would kill him in the morning. “No, you don’t.”
“It’s fucking beautiful out here.”
Looking around, taking in desolate walls and cracked parking lots, Brian wondered how much Justin’d had to drink.
“Thanks.”
Brian wasn’t going to react to that. He closed his eyes and concentrated. It was weird not having any background noise at all.
“You know what most of the people at the funeral were thinking?”
“What?”
“They were thinking: What a tragedy. Poor Justin. But well, he must feel a bit relieved now.” Brian heard him take another swig from the bottle. “And you want to know the worst part?”
No, he didn’t. Brian kept silent again. He had nothing to offer here. But then Justin rolled to his side, waiting for Brian to turn to him.
After long moments, Brian relented. “What’s the worst part?”
“That it’s true,” Justin whispered and Brian swore he could see something break inside his eyes.
Brian had no idea what type of glue one needed to fix this, but when he reached out and Justin buried his head in his chest, he figured he wasn’t doing the worst job.
It was much later when Justin started talking again. “You know, you’re actually pretty good at this.”
Brian eyed their surroundings again. “Reenacting the beginning of every teenage horror flick?”
Justin huffed a laugh and lightly shook his head into Brian’s jacket. “And you wouldn’t suck at the relationship part either”
Brian attributed his lack of initial response to the five-bucks alcohol in his system. These were the kinds of conversations he usually tried to avoid. It came out without any steam when he finally said, “I told you about this, Justin. You know who I am.”
“I guess I do.” Justin yawned and snuggled deeper into Brian. “I’ve changed so much in the past couple of weeks. My life has practically jumped a completely different train. And albeit not quite as elegantly as I would’ve wished, still, I’m dealing with it. Why can’t you stretch your rules a little?”
Brian wanted to laugh. Justin didn’t know what he was talking about. He had no idea how much Brian had bent his rules already. They were stretched so widely, in fact, they were going to snap at any second. Brian was sure of it. Especially now, in this moment.
He ducked into Justin’s neck and waited for the blow of the snap. Right to the head.
But instead of the blow there were Justin’s lips on his neck, and as he pulled back a little, on the underside of his chin.
With Justin held close, Brian rolled back to stare up into the night sky and wondered.
If Justin was cushioning the crack?
[ Step 15b - Finale ]