Why do I even try...
to see a different reality, a reality in which there is something mutual between me and Daniel.
I mean, am I chasing a false hope here, because it feels like I am, but also, it doesn't. I have no way of knowing how he feels about me. I mean, I could ask him, but I always freeze up when I try to. I could try to read his actions, but they're jumbled and go to both extremes. I really should ask him, but, I'm scared to... Because, I love him, and, I just don't want to loose him. Even if he doesn't like me in that way, I still won't be able to change how I feel about him. And maybe I am just holding on to past times, when things were different between us, before that one night, when things went to far, and he changed the way he acted around me. Maybe I scared him, or maybe he thinks that I just want him for sex, which I don't, I don't know. It's just, after that one night, things have been different, and I feel bad about that, because I know it was my fault for pushing so much. I still have yet to know what drove me to do some of that stuff other than sheer hormones. And for refrence, nothing sexually happened either, you sick smutty people out there.
I mean, he has good cause to think that I just want him for sex, but that isn't it. I could care less about having sex, I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of knowing that there isn't someone out there that will love me as much as I would love them. To nuzzle up against and just cuddle. To be with, that's all I want. I could care less about sex. I just want to be held. Someone to be with, to love, to wisper sweet nothings to. Someone to call mine.
I'm just tired of trying to find something, then seeing it, and when I approach it, it disappears and leaves me an emotional mess like I am now. I'm tired of seeing my heart ripped to shreds by the world. Why, just why can't I have a happy ending once... That's all I want...
I mean, am I chasing a false hope here, because it feels like I am, but also, it doesn't. I have no way of knowing how he feels about me. I mean, I could ask him, but I always freeze up when I try to. I could try to read his actions, but they're jumbled and go to both extremes. I really should ask him, but, I'm scared to... Because, I love him, and, I just don't want to loose him. Even if he doesn't like me in that way, I still won't be able to change how I feel about him. And maybe I am just holding on to past times, when things were different between us, before that one night, when things went to far, and he changed the way he acted around me. Maybe I scared him, or maybe he thinks that I just want him for sex, which I don't, I don't know. It's just, after that one night, things have been different, and I feel bad about that, because I know it was my fault for pushing so much. I still have yet to know what drove me to do some of that stuff other than sheer hormones. And for refrence, nothing sexually happened either, you sick smutty people out there.
I mean, he has good cause to think that I just want him for sex, but that isn't it. I could care less about having sex, I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of knowing that there isn't someone out there that will love me as much as I would love them. To nuzzle up against and just cuddle. To be with, that's all I want. I could care less about sex. I just want to be held. Someone to be with, to love, to wisper sweet nothings to. Someone to call mine.
I'm just tired of trying to find something, then seeing it, and when I approach it, it disappears and leaves me an emotional mess like I am now. I'm tired of seeing my heart ripped to shreds by the world. Why, just why can't I have a happy ending once... That's all I want...