Gender socialization regarding needs
Male socialization:
Checklist 1: Your mate needs you to be:
Do you meet these requirements? (Note: no input from mate is actually needed here.)
Yes? Good job! You are successful in your relationship. Wait, you’re not? You fulfill these requirements and yet your wife/girlfriend blows up at you inexplicably, or leaves you? You feel betrayed not only by your mate, but by the idea of relationships in general, because you've followed all the rules anyone's ever told you about and it didn't get you a successful relationship. Why didn’t anybody tell me something was wrong…?
No? Wow, you suck. You’re such a pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve to be left, or to put up with shitty relationships because that’s all you’ll be able to get. Maybe if you spend lots of time at the gym, work your ass off, and try not to get drunk so often, you’ll find a girl you actually like. If you’re already with a girl you like, it must be a fluke and/or she must have really low self-esteem. She will leave you at the first opportunity, so you’d better either shape up or prevent such opportunities from occurring.
Checklist 2: You need your mate to: (unfinished, please advise)
Does your mate meet these requirements?
Yes? Awesome! She’s a keeper. If you fulfill list 1, you’ll live happily ever after (or at least happily as long as you’re still interested.) If you suck, you have to worry; see above.
No? Well, if she meets some of them, she’s good enough to keep around until something better comes along. If she doesn’t meet any of them, you should either dump her (if you fulfill list 1) or, if you suck, resign yourself to an unfulfilled love life.
Female socialization:
Step 1: Observe mate/potential mate.
Step 2: Interpret his social cues, body language, spoken communication, past history, etc. to determine their needs, both short and long-term.
Step 3: Act on these needs.
Outcome A: You successfully inferred and fulfilled his needs. You are a successful, caring, decent girlfriend/wife.
Outcome B: You tried and failed to infer and fulfill his needs. You made a mistake. Depending on the situation, you may be hapless yet decent or you may be an inconsiderate bitch.
Outcome C: You didn’t even try to infer or fulfill his needs. You selfish, inconsiderate bitch. You deserve every bad thing that happens to you.
If he meets your needs:
That means that he’s sensitive, caring, and a good mate. This makes it even more imperative that you take care of his needs (he deserves it), and it makes it even worse when you screw up (you don’t deserve him).
If he fails to meet your needs:
That makes him a stupid* and/or selfish ass who don’t deserve your time…unless you realize that deep down, it’s because you don’t deserve to have him care about your needs. He rightfully doesn’t love you and never has, and it’s all your fault.
This is all compounded by the fact that you’re not getting your needs met. If you take care of yourself, you run the risk of not meeting his needs, which makes you a Bad Person (see Outcome C). Better to always prioritize his needs over yours and prevent yourself from being completely undeserving of love.
*You’re so aware of his every expression, glance and eyebrow twitch, how could he NOT understand all your hints about how much you hate that restaurant? You were being so obvious! Why would I tell him what I want and need when he never has to tell me?
Thoughts?
Checklist 1: Your mate needs you to be:
- Strong
- Dependable
- Financially secure
- “Supportive”-here defined as "generally agree with and provide warm’n’fuzzies for mate" (socialization is unclear on how)
Do you meet these requirements? (Note: no input from mate is actually needed here.)
Yes? Good job! You are successful in your relationship. Wait, you’re not? You fulfill these requirements and yet your wife/girlfriend blows up at you inexplicably, or leaves you? You feel betrayed not only by your mate, but by the idea of relationships in general, because you've followed all the rules anyone's ever told you about and it didn't get you a successful relationship. Why didn’t anybody tell me something was wrong…?
No? Wow, you suck. You’re such a pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve to be left, or to put up with shitty relationships because that’s all you’ll be able to get. Maybe if you spend lots of time at the gym, work your ass off, and try not to get drunk so often, you’ll find a girl you actually like. If you’re already with a girl you like, it must be a fluke and/or she must have really low self-esteem. She will leave you at the first opportunity, so you’d better either shape up or prevent such opportunities from occurring.
Checklist 2: You need your mate to: (unfinished, please advise)
- Provide sex
- Be attractive
- Be less skilled/talented than you are in some capacity
- Be faithful (read: exclusive)
Does your mate meet these requirements?
Yes? Awesome! She’s a keeper. If you fulfill list 1, you’ll live happily ever after (or at least happily as long as you’re still interested.) If you suck, you have to worry; see above.
No? Well, if she meets some of them, she’s good enough to keep around until something better comes along. If she doesn’t meet any of them, you should either dump her (if you fulfill list 1) or, if you suck, resign yourself to an unfulfilled love life.
Female socialization:
Step 1: Observe mate/potential mate.
Step 2: Interpret his social cues, body language, spoken communication, past history, etc. to determine their needs, both short and long-term.
Step 3: Act on these needs.
Outcome A: You successfully inferred and fulfilled his needs. You are a successful, caring, decent girlfriend/wife.
Outcome B: You tried and failed to infer and fulfill his needs. You made a mistake. Depending on the situation, you may be hapless yet decent or you may be an inconsiderate bitch.
Outcome C: You didn’t even try to infer or fulfill his needs. You selfish, inconsiderate bitch. You deserve every bad thing that happens to you.
If he meets your needs:
That means that he’s sensitive, caring, and a good mate. This makes it even more imperative that you take care of his needs (he deserves it), and it makes it even worse when you screw up (you don’t deserve him).
If he fails to meet your needs:
That makes him a stupid* and/or selfish ass who don’t deserve your time…unless you realize that deep down, it’s because you don’t deserve to have him care about your needs. He rightfully doesn’t love you and never has, and it’s all your fault.
This is all compounded by the fact that you’re not getting your needs met. If you take care of yourself, you run the risk of not meeting his needs, which makes you a Bad Person (see Outcome C). Better to always prioritize his needs over yours and prevent yourself from being completely undeserving of love.
*You’re so aware of his every expression, glance and eyebrow twitch, how could he NOT understand all your hints about how much you hate that restaurant? You were being so obvious! Why would I tell him what I want and need when he never has to tell me?
Thoughts?