Fic: A Whole New World
Author: Sunspot
Title: A Whole New World
Pairing: 58 preslash, 39
Rating: PG 13
Note: Indelicateink posted a drawing she did of Hakkai and Gojyo as parents of baby twins (see it here: indelicateink.livejournal.com/174672.html). I could not resist and asked her permission to let monozygotic plot bunnies run wild. This is the result, and it is for her, and for Evilchuckles (er, with apologies).
Warning: Kidfic! Babies! Twins! Cuss words!
A Whole New World
Hakkai needed a fuckin’ job.
This was not the first time Gojyo had thought these thoughts.
Usually he thought them at times like now, roped into Hakkai’s latest, ‘we’re back from India, we saved the world, and there are no openings for teachers in the town school so let’s, oh, strip and refinish the table and chairs,’ project.
Like now, when they were at the ‘scrape sticky “caution, irritant to eyes and skin” goo off the table with little knifey things in the middle of the yard’ stage of one of Hakkai’s damn projects.
So it was almost a relief when a freaked out, breathless monk came running out of the woods at them, shouting “Sha Gojyo, Cho Hakkai, come quickly.”
Hakkai perked up right away at that, of course. He stood up, set his scraper neatly on the neat little tray he set things like scrapers on, wiped his hands on a neatly folded rag, and suddenly looked like he’d just showered and dressed.
Gojyo, on the other hand, had come out of 40 to 4 fights against youkai assassins looking better. He exchanged a look with Jeep, who was hiding out in a tree like the smart little poultry he was. Jeep gave a ‘here we go again’ type kyuu and flapped down to Hakkai’s shoulder.
“So,” Hakkai puffed as they jogged through the woods with the monk. “Why didn’t Sanzo come himself, or send Goku?”
“You’ll see when we get there,” the monk panted grimly.
They saw when they got there.
But first they heard.
They dashed through the gates and across the monastery complex to the little house that Sanzo and Goku shared. The ruckus was coming from there.
It was hard to say what sounded worse.
There was a loud, really loud, creepy repeating “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh” sound, like someone was torturing a giant cat. A giant cat with two heads, wailing just a little out of synch. Or two cats. Giant ones.
The monk staggered to a halt just outside the door. So did Hakkai. So did Gojyo, doing his best to not crash into either of them.
Jeep flapped up and perched on the roof.
Coward.
The “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh” was even louder here. And it wasn’t even the worst sound.
The worst sound was even more wavery and tuneless and definitely coming from two throats.
“Hush little bay-beees, don’t say a woooord. Sanzo’s”
One voice broke off: “No I’m not, leave me the hell out of this, baka-saru!”
The “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh’s” went on.
So did half the singing: “Sanzo’s gonna buuuy you a mocking biiiird!”
The monk turned to them. “It appears we have been afflicted with twins. Baby ones. Brace yourselves.”
The monk shoved the door open. Hard.
The sound was like a wall. Like a wave. Like, really, really loud.
The sight was hilarious as fuck. Sanzo and Goku, pacing back and forth, singing like their lives depended on it, looking about like they did after the battle with Gyumaoh’s army, each of them with a wailing little baby in his arms.
Except the babies looked really miserable.
Tiny little red-haired babies. With pointy ears.
Three quarters?
Hunh. Gojyo thought half-breeds were supposed to be sterile. Not that he hadn’t been careful about the whole condom thing anyway-better safe than sorry.
“Hakkai, at fucking last,” Sanzo said over the wailing.
It wasn’t like Gojyo was thinking about it. Sometimes his body just did, without his brain having a lot to say. Before Sanzo had even finished, he was across the room and taking the wail-y little bundle from him, and snuggling it against his shoulder, where it uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh’d really, really loudly, right by his ear.
Gojyo looked over at Hakkai, who had his thinky face on. Then his action face. Hakkai turned to the monk.
“We need two lengths of soft cloth, roughly half a meter square, quick as you can, please.” Then he reached for the baby Goku was carrying. Goku passed it over, his face half way between ‘don’t wanna’ and ‘ohthankgod.’ Hakkai snugged his baby up just like Gojyo was, but added in a bounce on the balls of his feet and a shh-shh-shh sound and the baby’s wailing got just a little less wail-y.
Gojyo was no dummy. He started in with the bounce and shh, and sure, enough, his baby’s caterwauling got a little less tragic, too.
‘Bout then the monk came running back with Hakkai’s order.
“Thank you for your dispatch,” Hakkai said, “please spread them out on the bed.”
The monk did it, and Hakkai stood a minute looking at the, er, squares. Well, looking and bouncing, and shhshing. He glanced over at Gojyo.
“I know the theory,” he said, over the uh-ahh, unh-ahh’s. “But I’m afraid I’m lacking in practical experience.”
“Of what?” Gojyo raised his voice so Hakkai could hear. Shh-bounce-shh-bounce-shh-bounce.
“Swaddling,” Hakkai not-quite-shouted.
Oh for-“Lemme try,” Gojyo said. He was good at figuring out fix-it stuff.
He held up the baby he was carrying and looked at (him? Her? Whatever).
“Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
He looked at the blankety thing.
He set the baby on it.
“Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Lessee. Fold that up, bring that over, then that, then tuck it in there, aaaaand-one little yellow-orange wrapped baby-dumpling.
Gojyo picked, what the hell, him, till he knew better, up. Snuggled him close. Sh-sh-sh. Bounce-bounce-bounce. “Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-sniffle. Sigh.”
Bingo! Mellow baby.
Hakkai was wrestling the other baby, and the blanket. “Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Trade?” Gojyo said mildly.
Hakkai’s grateful look was better than a handful of aces.
They traded. Gojyo did the dumpling trick. Bounce-bounce-shhhh. Mellow baby.
“We abominations gotta stick together,” Gojyo said to the baby. He grinned at Baldy, whose face was fighting between relieved and royally pissed off.
“So, how’d you get roped into babysitting, anyhow?” Gojyo went on, just to make him pissier. The baby was all cuddled up against his shoulder, and going from gulpy not-quite-sobs to little whuffly sounds. Gojyo threw a few more shh-shh-shh’s in with the bouncing. Hakkai was doing pretty good with his little guy, too.
“WE are NOT babysitting,” Sanzo said. “These babies were left here, anonymously, early this morning.”
No need to ask why, not with that hair. Which was soft against Gojyo’s nose, and a little tufty in places and only just a little lighter than Gojyo’s wine or crimson or apple red. Whatever Hakkai was calling it that day.
Gojyo looked over at Hakkai, who had a funny kind of hungry look in his eyes. Gojyo gave him a little smile and got one back. Sanzo and Goku were gonna need a hell of a lot of help to pull this off, and there wasn’t anyone better at stuff to do with kids than Hakkai. He’d read tons of books on babies too. ‘Cause he’d read tons of books on everything, of course.
“Congratulations,” Hakkai said. “We’ll be happy to help the two of you in any way we can, of course.”
“Oh, we’re not raising them,” Sanzo said, “we were just waiting for suitable foster parents.”
“Really?” Hakkai said. “Monks, or someone from town?”
“Funny you should ask about that,” Sanzo said.
And the look on his face was fuckin’ evil.
Hakkai kicked ass at triage.
At triage with a gold card he was breathtaking.
They got the rest of the story, from Sanzo and Goku and even wasisname the monk. It was your basic “basket ‘o baby (well, babies, and an extra-large basket) with please-take-care-of note” scenario. Complete with helpful name labels safety-pinned to the babies’ backs. They did a quick loosen-and-peek on the swaddling and found out Hakkai was holding Shuo and Gojyo had Shiyan, and Goku said they were both boys and watch out, boys squirt. Which was about when Gojyo noticed Sanzo was just in his singlet and jeans. And by then Hakkai was making ‘please, please, please’ eyes, and Gojyo had a weird squirmy feeling in his chest and so he nodded and-
Snap! Hakkai in triage mode: him and Gojyo bounced and shh’d and between shh’s Hakkai guilted Sanzo into forking over the gold card and got wasisname the monk taking down a list Hakkai dictated between shh’s (diapers and washcloths and ointment and bottles and nipples (heh) and formula and . . .) and then they headed outside and Jeep the not-so-coward after all had helpfully transformed into momcar!Jeep, with a pair of baby seats in the back and a rollbar.
Gojyo’d had no idea the superchicken could even do that.
So now here they were, with Sanzo and Goku and the monk and Jeep and Shuo and Shiyan (sound asleep in little detachable baby seats and who know Jeep could do that-and still transform back, without the baby seats going “poof”-though when he looked closer it looked like Jeep was missing a couple toenails) in some gi-fucking-nourmous store out on the edge of town that Gojyo’d had no idea was even out here.
“Babies Are Expensive” the sign outside said in big purple characters, with the character for babies printed upside-down.
This was a pun, Hakkai helpfully pointed out, since “upside-down” sounds like “arrive,” so “Babies Arrive Expensive.”
And they were not kidding. “Babies are a blessing from Heaven. The Sanbutsushin will understand,” Hakkai said cheerily while Sanzo’s scowl got scowlier and scowlier and even Goku and wasisname (both pushing carts) got kinda wide eyed. Shit, babies needed a lot of stuff.
And that was with Hakkai passing by at least half the stuff on the list the lady at the door had oh-so-helpfully given them. She’d been kinda cute, too. Then Gojyo’d looked at Hakkai with (um, was that Shuo? probably?) and down at Shiyan (probably) still snoozing in his carrier, and stuffed a sock in it. Metaphorically, like Hakkai would say.
Finally, finally, they had formula and bottles and bottle brushes (who knew?) and diapers and butt cream and sleepers and onesies (onesies?) and blankets and baby carriers and more diapers and more formula and a freaking crib-in-a-box and mattress and sheets (and also two little plush dragons that rattled when you shook them and squeaked when you squeezed them. But they weren’t white. They came in pink and blue and yellow and lavender and green. Everything came in pink and blue and yellow and lavender and green. They now had a lot of yellow and lavender and green stuff. More practical for handing down, Hakkai said.) And two really fat books: Keep them Alive! Your Child from Birth to Age Five (Youkai Edition), and Start Babyproofing NOW! The New Parents’ Guide to Twins.
They tarped and bungeed like hell and finally got it all secured in (on) jeep’s cargo area. They owed the little guy big time for lugging all this crap. And the whole toenail thing. Hakkai was patting his hood and murmuring something about yakitori and 1600 parts per million ZDDP motor oil.
It took for freaking ever to get home, mostly because about half way there the uh-ahh, un-ahh’s started up. In stereo. And they had to un-bungee and un-tarp and unpack about half the stuff to get to the one box of “ready to use” formula (“for emergencies” and this was an emergency and Hakkai was a fuckin’ genius) instead of the powdered stuff.
And holding a tiny little person (Shuo), while he sucked down his lunch and went from panicky to greedy to blissed out and milk-drunk (seriously, blinky and burpy and way, way, way mellow) was just about the coolest thing since Chang-an hold-em.
By the time they got home, they had sleeping babies again, and super cranky Sanzo, since Hakkai wasn’t letting him smoke near them, (and Gojyo was kinda jonesing, too, really, but babies were babies, and aw hell, he was gonna have to smoke outside from now on, wasn’t he?). Sanzo stomped off and lit up almost as soon as Jeep stopped, but Gojyo couldn’t quite dredge up that level of asshole, so he worked with Hakkai and Goku and wasisname the monk to get Jeep unloaded (and the little guy gave up his toenails again so’s the babies could sleep) and get the crib set up, and everything ended up kinda stacked everywhere, and then they oh-so-carefully moved the babies from the car seats to the crib (they smelled kinda like they needed a change, but just pee, and Hakkai said “never wake a sleeping baby,” so they didn’t).
As soon as Shiyan and Shuo were in the crib, the two car seats went “poof” and Jeep, perched on the crib’s headboard (or footboard, they kinda looked the same) gave a big ‘ol sigh of relief, and his toe-claws were back and Hakkai went to draw the little guy a bath in the kitchen sink and Gojyo finally, finally, got outside to smoke.
“You’re doomed, you know,” Sanzo said conversationally, giving him a light.
They were leaning against trees, far enough away from the house so the smoke wouldn’t go in the windows.
Gojyo drew in, long and slow and such a fuckin’ relief. Then looked at Sanzo kinda sideways. Sanzo was looking all cool and cranky and inscrutable.
So okay, Gojyo would bite.
“Doomed?”
“No sleep, no free time, no freedom, no sex,” Mister Vows? What Vows? said, all smug and off the baby-raising hook.
Gojyo shrugged. “Not like I’m havin’ sex anyway.”
The spit-take shot Sanzo’s cigarette clear across the yard, past the half-scraped and probably-really-gummy-now table.
It was almost worth it. Almost.
Sanzo snorted. He was working hard at trying to recover his cool. Trying to light his next cigarette at the filter end wasn’t helping. Coupla drags, once he got it right way round, and the patented, trademarked Sanzo-sneer was almost back in place. Almost. He was still a little shocky ‘round the edges, looked like.
“So,” Sanzo said, looking up and out at nothing like he really didn’t care and wasn’t about to be nosy as hell, “what’d you do to piss him off this time?”
Gojyo laughed. It just popped out of him, short and sharp, but hey, once it was out there, best defense was a good offense, right?
“You thought me an’ Hakkai were doing it?” Gojyo said, still kinda laughing. Not that plenty of people didn’t probably think that, but Sanzo?
“You’re two grown men who live together,” Sanzo pointed out, flicking ash, “and shop together and eat together and refinish furniture together,” he went on, waving at the table, “like a couple of faggot old marrieds, so, like a couple of faggot old marrieds I figured you probably bothered to get a leg over at least once in a while.”
Gojyo let his face go all wide-eyed and impressed. “Wow,” he said, “that’s the longest I’ve heard you talk that wasn’t one of your mini-sermon things.” Then probably spoiled it by adding, “And what’s with the faggot-old-marrieds crap? Kinda pot-kettle there, Baldy.”
Sanzo had really mellowed since India. Back in the day he’d have fanswatted Gojyo by now, if not shot at him.
Now Sanzo just took a drag, let it out, and said, “Goku and I are faggot-young-shacked-ups,” with a little sniff at the end like Gojyo was being all-what was the Hakkai word?-declassé.
Then Sanzo cracked, and started laughing and that got Gojyo laughing again, and Sanzo was laughing, which maybe meant the world was coming to an end, but that had already happened once and they’d stopped it, and Sanzo was shacked up with Goku in a monastery and Gojyo and Hakkai had just become parents of twins, so maybe the world had ended and started over again as a place where Goku could have Sanzo, and Hakkai could have babies, and Gojyo and Sanzo could lean against the trees in Gojyo and Hakkai’s yard and laugh their asses off till tears dripped off their noses.
Title: A Whole New World
Pairing: 58 preslash, 39
Rating: PG 13
Note: Indelicateink posted a drawing she did of Hakkai and Gojyo as parents of baby twins (see it here: indelicateink.livejournal.com/174672.html). I could not resist and asked her permission to let monozygotic plot bunnies run wild. This is the result, and it is for her, and for Evilchuckles (er, with apologies).
Warning: Kidfic! Babies! Twins! Cuss words!
A Whole New World
Hakkai needed a fuckin’ job.
This was not the first time Gojyo had thought these thoughts.
Usually he thought them at times like now, roped into Hakkai’s latest, ‘we’re back from India, we saved the world, and there are no openings for teachers in the town school so let’s, oh, strip and refinish the table and chairs,’ project.
Like now, when they were at the ‘scrape sticky “caution, irritant to eyes and skin” goo off the table with little knifey things in the middle of the yard’ stage of one of Hakkai’s damn projects.
So it was almost a relief when a freaked out, breathless monk came running out of the woods at them, shouting “Sha Gojyo, Cho Hakkai, come quickly.”
Hakkai perked up right away at that, of course. He stood up, set his scraper neatly on the neat little tray he set things like scrapers on, wiped his hands on a neatly folded rag, and suddenly looked like he’d just showered and dressed.
Gojyo, on the other hand, had come out of 40 to 4 fights against youkai assassins looking better. He exchanged a look with Jeep, who was hiding out in a tree like the smart little poultry he was. Jeep gave a ‘here we go again’ type kyuu and flapped down to Hakkai’s shoulder.
“So,” Hakkai puffed as they jogged through the woods with the monk. “Why didn’t Sanzo come himself, or send Goku?”
“You’ll see when we get there,” the monk panted grimly.
They saw when they got there.
But first they heard.
They dashed through the gates and across the monastery complex to the little house that Sanzo and Goku shared. The ruckus was coming from there.
It was hard to say what sounded worse.
There was a loud, really loud, creepy repeating “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh” sound, like someone was torturing a giant cat. A giant cat with two heads, wailing just a little out of synch. Or two cats. Giant ones.
The monk staggered to a halt just outside the door. So did Hakkai. So did Gojyo, doing his best to not crash into either of them.
Jeep flapped up and perched on the roof.
Coward.
The “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh” was even louder here. And it wasn’t even the worst sound.
The worst sound was even more wavery and tuneless and definitely coming from two throats.
“Hush little bay-beees, don’t say a woooord. Sanzo’s”
One voice broke off: “No I’m not, leave me the hell out of this, baka-saru!”
The “uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh’s” went on.
So did half the singing: “Sanzo’s gonna buuuy you a mocking biiiird!”
The monk turned to them. “It appears we have been afflicted with twins. Baby ones. Brace yourselves.”
The monk shoved the door open. Hard.
The sound was like a wall. Like a wave. Like, really, really loud.
The sight was hilarious as fuck. Sanzo and Goku, pacing back and forth, singing like their lives depended on it, looking about like they did after the battle with Gyumaoh’s army, each of them with a wailing little baby in his arms.
Except the babies looked really miserable.
Tiny little red-haired babies. With pointy ears.
Three quarters?
Hunh. Gojyo thought half-breeds were supposed to be sterile. Not that he hadn’t been careful about the whole condom thing anyway-better safe than sorry.
“Hakkai, at fucking last,” Sanzo said over the wailing.
It wasn’t like Gojyo was thinking about it. Sometimes his body just did, without his brain having a lot to say. Before Sanzo had even finished, he was across the room and taking the wail-y little bundle from him, and snuggling it against his shoulder, where it uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhh’d really, really loudly, right by his ear.
Gojyo looked over at Hakkai, who had his thinky face on. Then his action face. Hakkai turned to the monk.
“We need two lengths of soft cloth, roughly half a meter square, quick as you can, please.” Then he reached for the baby Goku was carrying. Goku passed it over, his face half way between ‘don’t wanna’ and ‘ohthankgod.’ Hakkai snugged his baby up just like Gojyo was, but added in a bounce on the balls of his feet and a shh-shh-shh sound and the baby’s wailing got just a little less wail-y.
Gojyo was no dummy. He started in with the bounce and shh, and sure, enough, his baby’s caterwauling got a little less tragic, too.
‘Bout then the monk came running back with Hakkai’s order.
“Thank you for your dispatch,” Hakkai said, “please spread them out on the bed.”
The monk did it, and Hakkai stood a minute looking at the, er, squares. Well, looking and bouncing, and shhshing. He glanced over at Gojyo.
“I know the theory,” he said, over the uh-ahh, unh-ahh’s. “But I’m afraid I’m lacking in practical experience.”
“Of what?” Gojyo raised his voice so Hakkai could hear. Shh-bounce-shh-bounce-shh-bounce.
“Swaddling,” Hakkai not-quite-shouted.
Oh for-“Lemme try,” Gojyo said. He was good at figuring out fix-it stuff.
He held up the baby he was carrying and looked at (him? Her? Whatever).
“Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
He looked at the blankety thing.
He set the baby on it.
“Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Lessee. Fold that up, bring that over, then that, then tuck it in there, aaaaand-one little yellow-orange wrapped baby-dumpling.
Gojyo picked, what the hell, him, till he knew better, up. Snuggled him close. Sh-sh-sh. Bounce-bounce-bounce. “Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-sniffle. Sigh.”
Bingo! Mellow baby.
Hakkai was wrestling the other baby, and the blanket. “Uh-ahh, unh-ahh, unh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Trade?” Gojyo said mildly.
Hakkai’s grateful look was better than a handful of aces.
They traded. Gojyo did the dumpling trick. Bounce-bounce-shhhh. Mellow baby.
“We abominations gotta stick together,” Gojyo said to the baby. He grinned at Baldy, whose face was fighting between relieved and royally pissed off.
“So, how’d you get roped into babysitting, anyhow?” Gojyo went on, just to make him pissier. The baby was all cuddled up against his shoulder, and going from gulpy not-quite-sobs to little whuffly sounds. Gojyo threw a few more shh-shh-shh’s in with the bouncing. Hakkai was doing pretty good with his little guy, too.
“WE are NOT babysitting,” Sanzo said. “These babies were left here, anonymously, early this morning.”
No need to ask why, not with that hair. Which was soft against Gojyo’s nose, and a little tufty in places and only just a little lighter than Gojyo’s wine or crimson or apple red. Whatever Hakkai was calling it that day.
Gojyo looked over at Hakkai, who had a funny kind of hungry look in his eyes. Gojyo gave him a little smile and got one back. Sanzo and Goku were gonna need a hell of a lot of help to pull this off, and there wasn’t anyone better at stuff to do with kids than Hakkai. He’d read tons of books on babies too. ‘Cause he’d read tons of books on everything, of course.
“Congratulations,” Hakkai said. “We’ll be happy to help the two of you in any way we can, of course.”
“Oh, we’re not raising them,” Sanzo said, “we were just waiting for suitable foster parents.”
“Really?” Hakkai said. “Monks, or someone from town?”
“Funny you should ask about that,” Sanzo said.
And the look on his face was fuckin’ evil.
Hakkai kicked ass at triage.
At triage with a gold card he was breathtaking.
They got the rest of the story, from Sanzo and Goku and even wasisname the monk. It was your basic “basket ‘o baby (well, babies, and an extra-large basket) with please-take-care-of note” scenario. Complete with helpful name labels safety-pinned to the babies’ backs. They did a quick loosen-and-peek on the swaddling and found out Hakkai was holding Shuo and Gojyo had Shiyan, and Goku said they were both boys and watch out, boys squirt. Which was about when Gojyo noticed Sanzo was just in his singlet and jeans. And by then Hakkai was making ‘please, please, please’ eyes, and Gojyo had a weird squirmy feeling in his chest and so he nodded and-
Snap! Hakkai in triage mode: him and Gojyo bounced and shh’d and between shh’s Hakkai guilted Sanzo into forking over the gold card and got wasisname the monk taking down a list Hakkai dictated between shh’s (diapers and washcloths and ointment and bottles and nipples (heh) and formula and . . .) and then they headed outside and Jeep the not-so-coward after all had helpfully transformed into momcar!Jeep, with a pair of baby seats in the back and a rollbar.
Gojyo’d had no idea the superchicken could even do that.
So now here they were, with Sanzo and Goku and the monk and Jeep and Shuo and Shiyan (sound asleep in little detachable baby seats and who know Jeep could do that-and still transform back, without the baby seats going “poof”-though when he looked closer it looked like Jeep was missing a couple toenails) in some gi-fucking-nourmous store out on the edge of town that Gojyo’d had no idea was even out here.
“Babies Are Expensive” the sign outside said in big purple characters, with the character for babies printed upside-down.
This was a pun, Hakkai helpfully pointed out, since “upside-down” sounds like “arrive,” so “Babies Arrive Expensive.”
And they were not kidding. “Babies are a blessing from Heaven. The Sanbutsushin will understand,” Hakkai said cheerily while Sanzo’s scowl got scowlier and scowlier and even Goku and wasisname (both pushing carts) got kinda wide eyed. Shit, babies needed a lot of stuff.
And that was with Hakkai passing by at least half the stuff on the list the lady at the door had oh-so-helpfully given them. She’d been kinda cute, too. Then Gojyo’d looked at Hakkai with (um, was that Shuo? probably?) and down at Shiyan (probably) still snoozing in his carrier, and stuffed a sock in it. Metaphorically, like Hakkai would say.
Finally, finally, they had formula and bottles and bottle brushes (who knew?) and diapers and butt cream and sleepers and onesies (onesies?) and blankets and baby carriers and more diapers and more formula and a freaking crib-in-a-box and mattress and sheets (and also two little plush dragons that rattled when you shook them and squeaked when you squeezed them. But they weren’t white. They came in pink and blue and yellow and lavender and green. Everything came in pink and blue and yellow and lavender and green. They now had a lot of yellow and lavender and green stuff. More practical for handing down, Hakkai said.) And two really fat books: Keep them Alive! Your Child from Birth to Age Five (Youkai Edition), and Start Babyproofing NOW! The New Parents’ Guide to Twins.
They tarped and bungeed like hell and finally got it all secured in (on) jeep’s cargo area. They owed the little guy big time for lugging all this crap. And the whole toenail thing. Hakkai was patting his hood and murmuring something about yakitori and 1600 parts per million ZDDP motor oil.
It took for freaking ever to get home, mostly because about half way there the uh-ahh, un-ahh’s started up. In stereo. And they had to un-bungee and un-tarp and unpack about half the stuff to get to the one box of “ready to use” formula (“for emergencies” and this was an emergency and Hakkai was a fuckin’ genius) instead of the powdered stuff.
And holding a tiny little person (Shuo), while he sucked down his lunch and went from panicky to greedy to blissed out and milk-drunk (seriously, blinky and burpy and way, way, way mellow) was just about the coolest thing since Chang-an hold-em.
By the time they got home, they had sleeping babies again, and super cranky Sanzo, since Hakkai wasn’t letting him smoke near them, (and Gojyo was kinda jonesing, too, really, but babies were babies, and aw hell, he was gonna have to smoke outside from now on, wasn’t he?). Sanzo stomped off and lit up almost as soon as Jeep stopped, but Gojyo couldn’t quite dredge up that level of asshole, so he worked with Hakkai and Goku and wasisname the monk to get Jeep unloaded (and the little guy gave up his toenails again so’s the babies could sleep) and get the crib set up, and everything ended up kinda stacked everywhere, and then they oh-so-carefully moved the babies from the car seats to the crib (they smelled kinda like they needed a change, but just pee, and Hakkai said “never wake a sleeping baby,” so they didn’t).
As soon as Shiyan and Shuo were in the crib, the two car seats went “poof” and Jeep, perched on the crib’s headboard (or footboard, they kinda looked the same) gave a big ‘ol sigh of relief, and his toe-claws were back and Hakkai went to draw the little guy a bath in the kitchen sink and Gojyo finally, finally, got outside to smoke.
“You’re doomed, you know,” Sanzo said conversationally, giving him a light.
They were leaning against trees, far enough away from the house so the smoke wouldn’t go in the windows.
Gojyo drew in, long and slow and such a fuckin’ relief. Then looked at Sanzo kinda sideways. Sanzo was looking all cool and cranky and inscrutable.
So okay, Gojyo would bite.
“Doomed?”
“No sleep, no free time, no freedom, no sex,” Mister Vows? What Vows? said, all smug and off the baby-raising hook.
Gojyo shrugged. “Not like I’m havin’ sex anyway.”
The spit-take shot Sanzo’s cigarette clear across the yard, past the half-scraped and probably-really-gummy-now table.
It was almost worth it. Almost.
Sanzo snorted. He was working hard at trying to recover his cool. Trying to light his next cigarette at the filter end wasn’t helping. Coupla drags, once he got it right way round, and the patented, trademarked Sanzo-sneer was almost back in place. Almost. He was still a little shocky ‘round the edges, looked like.
“So,” Sanzo said, looking up and out at nothing like he really didn’t care and wasn’t about to be nosy as hell, “what’d you do to piss him off this time?”
Gojyo laughed. It just popped out of him, short and sharp, but hey, once it was out there, best defense was a good offense, right?
“You thought me an’ Hakkai were doing it?” Gojyo said, still kinda laughing. Not that plenty of people didn’t probably think that, but Sanzo?
“You’re two grown men who live together,” Sanzo pointed out, flicking ash, “and shop together and eat together and refinish furniture together,” he went on, waving at the table, “like a couple of faggot old marrieds, so, like a couple of faggot old marrieds I figured you probably bothered to get a leg over at least once in a while.”
Gojyo let his face go all wide-eyed and impressed. “Wow,” he said, “that’s the longest I’ve heard you talk that wasn’t one of your mini-sermon things.” Then probably spoiled it by adding, “And what’s with the faggot-old-marrieds crap? Kinda pot-kettle there, Baldy.”
Sanzo had really mellowed since India. Back in the day he’d have fanswatted Gojyo by now, if not shot at him.
Now Sanzo just took a drag, let it out, and said, “Goku and I are faggot-young-shacked-ups,” with a little sniff at the end like Gojyo was being all-what was the Hakkai word?-declassé.
Then Sanzo cracked, and started laughing and that got Gojyo laughing again, and Sanzo was laughing, which maybe meant the world was coming to an end, but that had already happened once and they’d stopped it, and Sanzo was shacked up with Goku in a monastery and Gojyo and Hakkai had just become parents of twins, so maybe the world had ended and started over again as a place where Goku could have Sanzo, and Hakkai could have babies, and Gojyo and Sanzo could lean against the trees in Gojyo and Hakkai’s yard and laugh their asses off till tears dripped off their noses.