Sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling down about things right now. I wish I could be there to help you somehow, but of course that is not possible. Besides, I don't rally think my bedside manner is all that good, so you may be better off without my "support", lol. I will, however and as always, think about you and send you happy and healing vibes from afar.
On that note, there is one thing I may be able to help you out with. You are saying that you are essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting something bad to happen to destroy the current relative calm and optimism. Unfortunately, when it comes to things like that, you tend to get what you expect. In other words, if you expect something bad to happen it probably will. Generally, it is best not to give these thoughts and feelings any energy. Of course that is pretty hard to do when your mind is racing about all of the potential health scares that you may be foreced to deal with. The best I can suggest at the moment is for you to focus on the opportunities that have opened up for you with college and focus on the relationship you have with your boyfriend. If you discover that you have to deal with another medical situation, you will deal with it at that time. I know that you wish that your mother were there for you and I wish she were, too, but you also know that you have the strength to handle these things on your own. You should not have to and you do not want to, but you can. I think you are right when you say that your boyfriend seems to have a hard time dealing with it. I think you may need to continue to talk to him about it and tell him your feelings and share your fears, but also share your strengths with him. I am sure he feels totally helpless and doesn't know how to deal with the situation, but I am sure he would be more that happy to help in any way he can, as long as he is given instructions. Since men tend to be the "fix it" types, the best thing to do, may be to ask him for his help. Explain to him what is on your mind and give him specific instructions for what you want him to do (such as "can you put together some MP3s for me to listen to while I am at the doctor" or "when you see me looking worried or upset, just give me hug, you are not supposed to fix anything, I just need your presence and touch") or something like that. That will give him something concrete to do and he won't feel so lost and you will have a partner in this struggle that you can lean on--and you really need that. Also, a support group may be good, doesn't have to be liver disease specific, it doesn't even have to be in person. You may be able to find something on the web. It's so important to talk with people who understand where you are coming from. A cancer support group may be the thing, the treatments may be different, but I am sure the fears are the same. Send me an e-mail if you like and we'll chat some more. Remember that you are loved.
Thanks so much for the comment. It really helps me to know that there are people out there who care for me and are looking out for me. <3 It makes life so much more pleasant to be in. I think most of my mommy based feelings were needed since I haven't cried for her in some time and I feel like it's necessary every now and then. I fondly remember her every day but sometimes it feels good to shed some tears for her too. It's not like I cry constantly; she wouldn't like that.
On that note, there is one thing I may be able to help you out with. You are saying that you are essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting something bad to happen to destroy the current relative calm and optimism. Unfortunately, when it comes to things like that, you tend to get what you expect. In other words, if you expect something bad to happen it probably will. Generally, it is best not to give these thoughts and feelings any energy. Of course that is pretty hard to do when your mind is racing about all of the potential health scares that you may be foreced to deal with. The best I can suggest at the moment is for you to focus on the opportunities that have opened up for you with college and focus on the relationship you have with your boyfriend. If you discover that you have to deal with another medical situation, you will deal with it at that time. I know that you wish that your mother were there for you and I wish she were, too, but you also know that you have the strength to handle these things on your own. You should not have to and you do not want to, but you can. I think you are right when you say that your boyfriend seems to have a hard time dealing with it. I think you may need to continue to talk to him about it and tell him your feelings and share your fears, but also share your strengths with him. I am sure he feels totally helpless and doesn't know how to deal with the situation, but I am sure he would be more that happy to help in any way he can, as long as he is given instructions. Since men tend to be the "fix it" types, the best thing to do, may be to ask him for his help. Explain to him what is on your mind and give him specific instructions for what you want him to do (such as "can you put together some MP3s for me to listen to while I am at the doctor" or "when you see me looking worried or upset, just give me hug, you are not supposed to fix anything, I just need your presence and touch") or something like that. That will give him something concrete to do and he won't feel so lost and you will have a partner in this struggle that you can lean on--and you really need that. Also, a support group may be good, doesn't have to be liver disease specific, it doesn't even have to be in person. You may be able to find something on the web. It's so important to talk with people who understand where you are coming from. A cancer support group may be the thing, the treatments may be different, but I am sure the fears are the same. Send me an e-mail if you like and we'll chat some more. Remember that you are loved.
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I think most of my mommy based feelings were needed since I haven't cried for her in some time and I feel like it's necessary every now and then. I fondly remember her every day but sometimes it feels good to shed some tears for her too. It's not like I cry constantly; she wouldn't like that.
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