My Return to Analysis
I hope I have the brainpower to write this and make it somewhere close to complete. I should have been in bed 45 minutes ago, but fuck if my brain isn't buzzing and keeping me awake. Writing this will either exacerbate the situation or calm me down. I have no idea which one yet.
The most interesting thing that I find about the entire scope of humanity is our unparalleled ability to buy into any concept completely on faith. Yes, any concept. Religion, love, politicians, food, cleansers, tv shows. There's that part of people who don't need or want to question anything. They just want to dive in and experience. You see a commercial, you see a hot girl, you hear great things about the afterlife, this diet will make you look fantastic!
Risks be damned, there are people who will buy that product, get hurt by that girl, endure persecution for their religion, or get sent to the hospital for their dietary mistakes. No one ever warned them of this. They only ever heard the good and righteousness that was evangelized before them. They bought into the notion that something couldn't have an inherent flaw, or atleast that the positives so outweighed the negatives that the negatives wouldn't ever be an issue.
I've probably reiterated myself a few times, but I think the point has been made. I think that somewhere along the way I lost the crucial aspect of my humanity that lets me do that. There's not a single thing that happens to me that I won't meet with skepticism and analysis. The average person is free of this analysis and skepticism by comparison and they all seem happier for it. It's like it's to someones benefit to throw out the negatives for a while and dive in headfirst. Life hasn't taught me that. Life hasn't allowed me to shed the questioning part of my mind.
I'm not sitting here saying I've led a horrible life or my situation sucks. Far from it. I love what my life has become. But I get this nagging feeling constantly that maybe if I weren't this way that things could be better. "But the grass is always greener on the other side!" No. That doesn't apply to every situation. All the time with advice I hear that I should stop thinking about it and go with my gut. Well look, motherfucker MY GUT DOESN'T KNOW SHIT. My mind wants some calm rationality and the weighing of the positives/negatives. I want clarity before I move forward. But this is a world and humans are the sort where doing so isn't even considered an option and plenty of people do just fine!
You know I look back and I see some of this and I see it as a more mature and refined variation upon the stuff I wrote when I was a little younger. The stuff I wrote back when I was just 19 is now all coming back again, just in a different way. This one should do the trick!
Have I really grown? Am I truly better or different than I was? I'm more jaded and analytical than ever. People are supposed to learn and become better when they go through things. People are supposed to be able to handle things easier and deal with the hurt of life a little better. I'm 24 and plenty of the people younger than done me have done more daring/adventurous things with their lives and had their fun.
They're out making slam dunks when I'm barely getting the hang of the dribble. There's no thinking, no analysis, no plan, no path, no visible sight that'll cure what ails me. I've increasingly become a more inconsolable bastard as a result of it because I can't buy into what people tell me anymore. Their intentions are good but they can't work outside of the framework of themselves. It's not a bad thing, it's just another unfortunate limitation of being human. Bless their hearts for trying. No one can convey what I've been trying to fee/understand in a way that makes any sense to me. Nothing about anyone elses advice sounds worth buying into. I somehow have to go and create it on my own when I have no idea where the fuck to start.
Fuck.
The most interesting thing that I find about the entire scope of humanity is our unparalleled ability to buy into any concept completely on faith. Yes, any concept. Religion, love, politicians, food, cleansers, tv shows. There's that part of people who don't need or want to question anything. They just want to dive in and experience. You see a commercial, you see a hot girl, you hear great things about the afterlife, this diet will make you look fantastic!
Risks be damned, there are people who will buy that product, get hurt by that girl, endure persecution for their religion, or get sent to the hospital for their dietary mistakes. No one ever warned them of this. They only ever heard the good and righteousness that was evangelized before them. They bought into the notion that something couldn't have an inherent flaw, or atleast that the positives so outweighed the negatives that the negatives wouldn't ever be an issue.
I've probably reiterated myself a few times, but I think the point has been made. I think that somewhere along the way I lost the crucial aspect of my humanity that lets me do that. There's not a single thing that happens to me that I won't meet with skepticism and analysis. The average person is free of this analysis and skepticism by comparison and they all seem happier for it. It's like it's to someones benefit to throw out the negatives for a while and dive in headfirst. Life hasn't taught me that. Life hasn't allowed me to shed the questioning part of my mind.
I'm not sitting here saying I've led a horrible life or my situation sucks. Far from it. I love what my life has become. But I get this nagging feeling constantly that maybe if I weren't this way that things could be better. "But the grass is always greener on the other side!" No. That doesn't apply to every situation. All the time with advice I hear that I should stop thinking about it and go with my gut. Well look, motherfucker MY GUT DOESN'T KNOW SHIT. My mind wants some calm rationality and the weighing of the positives/negatives. I want clarity before I move forward. But this is a world and humans are the sort where doing so isn't even considered an option and plenty of people do just fine!
You know I look back and I see some of this and I see it as a more mature and refined variation upon the stuff I wrote when I was a little younger. The stuff I wrote back when I was just 19 is now all coming back again, just in a different way. This one should do the trick!
Have I really grown? Am I truly better or different than I was? I'm more jaded and analytical than ever. People are supposed to learn and become better when they go through things. People are supposed to be able to handle things easier and deal with the hurt of life a little better. I'm 24 and plenty of the people younger than done me have done more daring/adventurous things with their lives and had their fun.
They're out making slam dunks when I'm barely getting the hang of the dribble. There's no thinking, no analysis, no plan, no path, no visible sight that'll cure what ails me. I've increasingly become a more inconsolable bastard as a result of it because I can't buy into what people tell me anymore. Their intentions are good but they can't work outside of the framework of themselves. It's not a bad thing, it's just another unfortunate limitation of being human. Bless their hearts for trying. No one can convey what I've been trying to fee/understand in a way that makes any sense to me. Nothing about anyone elses advice sounds worth buying into. I somehow have to go and create it on my own when I have no idea where the fuck to start.
Fuck.