(no subject)
I hate and I love.
Why? you might ask.
I don't know. But I feel it
Happening and I hurt.
-Catullus #85
I didn't understand this quote, when I first read it. I wrote it off as a bit of mindless drabble, something that sounded good but didn't really mean anything. I understand it a bit better, now.
And a long time ago, I wrote this, about someone entirely different from who it turned out to apply to:
"One day I know that you and I will go our separate ways. If it's a good day--if it's warm outside, and there is music playing in the park, and I am learning so many things and laughing like there is no tomorrow--if it is a good day, then I may smile, and accept it, and say, it was beautiful while it lasted.
If it is a bad day, I know that I will cry. I may cry even if it is a good day; I do not know myself well enough to say. I will weep bitterly, where no one is looking, and after a while I will run out of breath and tears and then I will stop.
And then I will start all over again, like a clockwork mouse all wound down, and all wound back up again."
I've grown better-acquainted with myself since then. I know I'm not a clockwork mouse. I'm not something that winds down and can be brought back to life again with the turn of a key. I wish it was that simple. No, I cling. I've gotten better at it over the years; it used to be that I never let people go, not ever. I'd entertain and beguile and lie and love to make sure that they didn't leave. Now--I can let people go. Is it good for me? Probably not. I'm not lonely, but that's only because I've gone through loneliness and come out the other side, becoming one of those people who can say, without batting an eyelash, "I don't need other people."
Sometimes other people entertain me; more often than not, they annoy me. Very rarely, I find their company stimulating. But I don't need them. Other people are luxuries, not necessities.
The thing is, though, I'm writing this out of bitterness, so you mustn't take anything I say very seriously. I still haven't stopped. Winding down, I mean. I still haven't stopped crying; I still haven't stopped clinging. It turns out that the result of our parting ways was 'all of the above, and a little more besides'.