lackofsleepturnsmeintoanasshole
Days like these are strange, when I see the world in a sharp light, erosive and unclean. I can see how we each bitterly strangle our own shortcomings with rope made out of a past of agonised blame. I have done it, you have, we all have; even those that claim to be enlightened, awoken, those that I and others look up to. We all fail to take responsibility for our own pains, our own lives. I'm only like this because of so and so. I'm not the sweet boy I once was because I was cheated on. I am not happy because he took my happiness from me when he left. My childhood is to blame. When in the end there is only one person we have to blame, ourselves. But we are not at fault. We should not loath ourselves, or regret. Just let it go.
Hard at times. Impossible at others. But we should still try.
Places, people, events: these do not make us, trap us, transform us, alter us. The only thing that really changes what we are is our outlook, our mentality. Most of us choose the mentality of depression, stress, martyrdom, (ohwoemefuckingwoeme) because we somehow thrive on this, or we find this to be our addiction. It is for me a lot of the time. The needle shot of pain. The depressive existence of the ego. I am hurt and so I am.
Just let it go.
You aren't happy, you are lonely most nights. You want to love and be loved in return. You aren't sure how much the world likes you, and even though it shouldn't matter, it does. You want to be fitterhappier (like-a-pig-in-a-cage-on-antibiotics). You want the fairytale life. But you know that it is boring to simply be happy. So you wait for it to get fucked, you want it to. Because when its fucked, God it feels so good to be alive again. And when its fucked you can spend the nights romanticising for the next fariytale. And then the next fairytale gets boring. And then it gets fucked again. Yes, yes, yes. Thrive on this. Oh human nature.
Peace is boring. And happiness too.
You should have figured this out by now.