It's the Bath Salts, I Swear
it’s the bath salts, I swear | zombie au | ot12 | pg-13 | 3578 words | in which there’s a zombie outbreak in korea and china and exo has to fend for themselves
I apologize if this has already been done or someone is writing a fic just like this. I’m hoping I’m not taking anyone’s idea or if I am plagiarizing or something oh god if I am you have permission to kill my first born (bruh this has been festering in my computer for over two years there’s mildew growing on it)
▲
It’s the scratching on the door that wakes Joonmyun up from his slumber. He’s a little skeptical what could be on the other side, because at first he thought it was a dog, but the scratching is too loud, too haphazard, and the person, or thing, sounds too large to be a domestic animal.
“What is with all that scratching?” Sehun yawns after stumbling out his and Joonmyun’s shared room. At that something rattles the doorknob, and the door shakes. It awakes the rest of EXO K and they warily look at the door. It’s late in the day where they think it’s manager hyung at the other side of the door, probably telling them to get up and go to practice, but the manager is always diligent and punctual in waking them up early, not to mention he knows the code to get in the dorm. If it were the manager, then why is he acting like a wild tiger at the other side of the door?
Kyungsoo must have been thinking this. “Is that the manager?” He asks, blinking his wide eyes.
“If that were the manager he’d open the door.” Jongin mumbles.
“It’s probably a stray dog,” Baekhyun suggests. “Maybe it’s King? Oh, wouldn’t it be great if King came to visit us?”
Something hard collides into the door and the members visibly jump.
“You’re the leader,” Kyungsoo says to Joonmyun. “You’re the shining guardian of EXO. Open the door.”
“I,” Joonmyun is uneasy, the banging won’t stop. “I don’t think it’s King.”
“Maybe it’s a saesang coming in to steal our pubes.” Sehun puts in. [“Never really liked mine to begin with!” Jongin boasts.]
“Maybe a serial killer.” This was Baekhyun.
“Or a zombie.” Chanyeol speaks.
Joonmyun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Zombies are pure fiction Chanyeol,” he explains as he walks to the door. “You’ve been reading too many comic books. It’s time to face reality and think rationally.” His hand is on the door handle. “Zombies do not exist.” He opens the door.
The smell of blood, rank body odor, and the sound of ragged moaning surprises Joonmyun more than the sight of unkempt hair, eyes blown and dilated, and a fan-made EXO K shirt, stained with what Joonmyun hopes is just blood. Her posture is absolutely horrendous, back bent to the side and legs spread awkwardly. She is moaning something unintelligible. Maybe she’s a foreign girl? Joonmyun never had an ear for languages like Wu Fan.
“Hi, uh, may I help you?” Always helpful, always concerned Kim Joonmyun.
The zombie fan lunges for his face, chipped and bloody nails towards his eyeballs, gurgling what he translates as “opppaaaa!!!” And “brains!!!!!”
Joonmyun slams the door shut, locks it and puts the secure lock and pushes the nearest chair to the front of the door.
“Was it a zombie or a saesang?” Baekhyun asks.
“What’s the difference?” Kyungsoo answers.
▲
When Wu Fan wakes up and looks at his phone for the time, he’s amazed that it’s 9:30 AM and no one has bothered to wake him up for practice. He’s also horrified that oh shit no one has woke him up for practice manager ge is going to murder him. He scrambles to put on a pair of sweatpants when he sees Lu Han asleep in the bed next to his, and Wu Fan is slightly relieved that he wasn’t the only one, and a bit sorry that his ge is going to get scolded just as much as he is.
Jongdae rushes to Wu Fan and Lu Han’s shared room, confused. “Hyung,” he says, phone in hand. “I can’t get manager hyung on the phone.”
“Maybe he overslept too.” Yixing walks up behind him, already showered and dressed and eating a bagel.
“How long have you been up?” Wu Fan asks, a little miffed that no one bothered to wake him or Lu Han up.
“An hour. I thought I overslept. Manager ge never answered his phone. Minseok guesses that manager had it up to here with taking us to and from practice and flying every day and ran away with a beautiful drifter to Jeju Island.”
“Of course he did,” Wu Fan agrees dryly. He gets up and heads into the sitting room, offhandedly thinking, gee, the sky sure looks dark at 9 AM. “Maybe it’s a free day?” He sits on the sofa and flips on the TV. The Emergency Broadcast system plays instead, the multi-colored bars and beeps confusing the leader.
“Hey, come on, I wanna watch Beauty at War,” Wu Fan flips off the TV. [“oh well that ought to make the TV listen to you,” Is Jongdae’s disembodied coming voice from the kitchen.]
“Radio’s not working either,” Yixing emerges from his and Zitao’s bedroom, holding a miniature pink stereo (a gift from fans, most like) that sputters loud inconsistent white noise whenever he adjusts the dial.
“It’s 2012 who the fuck listens to the radio anymore?” Minseok grumbles as he pockets his cell phone; cell service was being even sketchier than usual.
“Try calling the cable guy, I want to watch my soaps before Tao wakes up and makes me go out shopping.”
Minseok stares at the leader, an edge of malice lining his gaze. “I am a foreigner in this country; I barely know your phone number. What makes you think I know the cable company’s?” [“We have cable?” Jongdae asks, his voice muffled as he stuffs his face with a muffin.]
“Hey guys shut up I’m trying to get a signal.” Yixing fidgets with the dials of the stereo, continuously adjusting the metal antenna every few seconds.
Minseok snorts. “Whatever,” he says, “I’ll let you enjoy your fireside chats with Roosevelt and in the meantime, I’m gonna go find a signal.” He gets up from the couch, asking Jongdae how he got past the dial tone earlier.
“I guess I can just have Tao drag me around the shops today,” Wu Fan stretches and goes to go wash up. Getting out would be good (even if those clouds look beyond malicious; casting an eerie muted depression that literally darkens the city) and walking around. He reaches the bathroom and begins his sacred facial routine, when he hears Yixing mutter a curse and hurry to the window. Rinsing off his peeling gel, Wu Fan leaves the bathroom and walks up to Yixing, who is staring out the window. The radio is still in his hands, spouting bursts of static with frazzled voices. Wu Fan listens closely and confirms the announcer is repeating a word over and over, but it’s the view from the window that floors him. The lovely cityscape that EXO M was so fond of looking at this window was on the verge of ruins. Buildings with lit signs are hinging off and smoke billows from its damaged windows. Debris and refuse litter the streets, and cars and busses are crashed in nearly every corner. There is utter chaos down below, but it seems so muted compared to the sights of nearly thousands of wandering, stumbling, and clearly decomposing undead stalking the streets.
“Is that-?” Wu Fan can’t seem to finish. The announcer on the radio does for him. “僵尸.”
“Someone go wake up Tao,” Yixing replies. “We’re gonna need his Wushu.”
▲
“If we stay in this dorm we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun chants over the sound of the zombie saesangs pushing against the door. Every bit of force they apply to the door seems to make the door groan and push, but the electronic lock seems to hold. [“Take that saesangs!” Baekhyun cajoles. “The power of LG locksmithing is unmatched!” Kyungsoo thwacks Baekhyun soundly on the forehead.] The group is armed with the sharpest kitchen utensils (Chanyeol is sporting Kyungsoo’s precious colander as a half-helm, and the rest of the group gripes how he took the only source of headgear in the dorm.) Sehun retreats back into his room. Several moments later, he emerges fully dressed and smelling fantastic.
Jongin stares at him. “You got dressed?” He asks.
“What?” Sehun answers. “I’m not going down swinging in my pajamas.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo cuts in. “If I wore Rilakkuma boy shorts to bed I wouldn’t want saesangs to see me either.”
“They’re comfy and let a healthy breeze flow through-“
“If we stay in this dorm we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun chants even louder to shut the bickering boys up.
“Look, we can’t stay in this dorm, hyung,” Chanyeol says. “We need to go and find help. We can hijack on the SM vans and drive to the nearest army base in Yongsan.” He’s the only one who believes that this is a full-scale zombie attack, and the only one with a solid plan with a goal, but knowing Chanyeol it’s so far-fetched and no one wants to go outside with their pajamas.
“If we stay in this dorm, we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun repeats, but the sound of a fist punching through wooden, a burst of wooden shrapnel exploding in the air has the word ‘safe’ dying on Joonmyun’s lips. The hole is torn open bigger and discolored fingers pry aimlessly for the door handle.
“Do you think this isn’t a zombie attack now?” Chanyeol asks Joonmyun, adjusting his colander half-helm.
“How far away is the SM van, you say?”
▲
“If only we got that channel that allowed us to watch The Walking Dead,” Jongdae sighs as he watches hordes of zombies try to climb the walls, but they remain unsuccessful. “Granted, censorship would have heavily taken a lot of the content out, but I think we would have learned something from Michonne.”
“What did she have?” Yixing is dialing 119 but all he gets is dial tone.
“A katana, strong survival skills, a will to never give up, and a constant eye on Carl.” Jongdae can hear Wu Fan dragging a whining Zitao from his bed, and after a rushed and curt explanation of the apparent 僵尸 crisis in Mandarin, Zitao’s whining escalates to full-scale panic.
“I don’t know how you could be so calm!” Zitao is shrill. Yixing casually covers his ears.
“You’re the one with the most adept fighting skills and you’re acting like Lu Han when he gets on an elevator!” Wu Fan bellows and Jongdae rolls his eyes. The leader and the Wushu enthusiast storm out the room, with Wu Fan carrying Zitao’s Wushu staff and Zitao begging him to give it back.
“I want this day to already end.” Lu Han has stumbled out of the room, still in his Donald Duck sleep pants and Naruto shirt, looking at his phone screen. When he looks up and out the window and sees the chaos, he just shrugs and goes “ah. Zombies.” Wu Fan gestures at Lu Han Zitao, as if saying see?
“Look I understand this whole zombie crisis is bad and whatnot, but I was promised unlimited 4G from SK Telecom anywhere and everywhere and why I have no bars is ridiculous.” Lu Han joins Minseok in his quest for more bars. Minseok says that he has three bars in the kitchen, nearest to the sink, and everyone files into the kitchen, frantically calling everyone in their contact list [manager hyung every other call; manager hyung never picks up]. It’s after five minutes when Lu Han’s cell phone rings and he stares at the screen, dumbfounded, because it says 母亲, mother. Warily, he answers it and his voice becomes monotone. “Hello Mother.” He answers formally. “Yeah. The zombies. They’re here in Shenzhen as well. All over China? Some massive chemical leak from the West? Ah that’s bad.” Lu Han just blinks at the rest of the group as they stare, gaping at Lu Han’s nonchalance. “You and father are staying in? Are we staying in? Possibly, Wu Fan is trying to convince Zitao to fight them off. We should stay in?” He nods. “Lock the doors, board up the entrances? Yes, I would have suggested a nice maple wood as well. Alright. Take care.” He hangs up and looks back at the members.
“Mother says to lock and board up the windows with a good maple,” he repeats. “I’m gonna go back to bed, wake me up when the horde barges through with manager ge’s eviscerated corpse in its arms.”
▲
So far, there have only been five zombies in the dorm’s corridor. Chanyeol lowers his head and charges headfirst into the cluster, and the colander half-helm works, because they don’t grab for him. With a startling cry Jongin takes Kyungsoo’s beloved giant soup pot and smashes it against a zombie’s head, creating a lovely face dent in the metal. [“Impervious stainless steel my ass,” Kyungsoo cries.] Suddenly overcome with fury, Kyungsoo takes two steak knives and stabs two zombies in the face as they slowly advance towards him. He is a whirlwind of anger, and Sehun and Jongin watch their tiny hyung slash and stab his way through the zombies.
“I promise to buy you a new pot when this is over!” Jongin calls after Kyungsoo as he hurries to catch up. The dorm is void of anyone or anything else, and when EXO K gingerly step out of the dorm and into the eerily apocalyptic calm of downtown Seoul, it is just them.
“You think SNSD sunbaes are okay?” Baekhyun asks and he holds the busted end of a bed post as a bat and clutches his shoulder with his free hand.
“The question you should be asking is what is causing this zombie outbreak,” Joonmyun has butter knives and forks in his hands; he got the short end of the pickings for weapons in the kitchen. “We cremate our dead, so this must be a mass infection going around.” He walks around in the refuse and the broken glass, wondering how all this carnage and destruction happened so fast. Maybe they were all heavy sleepers.
“I say it’s the amount of fast food we eat and the chemicals in it have caused the people to go insane and undead,” Sehun offers. “We should all go vegan and gluten free in our next life.” Behind him, Jongin whispers, “goddamn hippie.”
“Fast food? Unlikely, I had KFC last night.” Chanyeol shuts down that theory. Behind them, a massive truck carrying an array of Bath and Body Works products from America was tipped over, and fresh smelling scents of Japanese Cherry Blossom, Warm Vanilla Sugar, and Sea Island Cotton waft to their noses. They watch with varying degrees of interest as hundreds of “infected” tear through the truck and trample jars of body butter and bath salts. When they stepped into the salts, their frenzy increased, and the moans and gaping yawns grew louder as the infected started shoving them into their mouths.
“Of course, it’s the motherfucking bath salts,” Sehun says quietly.
▲
“I am not fighting any infected,” Zitao is firm and sits at the kitchen table, not budging. “I am poorly dressed and I don’t want them touching me.”
“We lack boards to cover the doors and windows,” Wu Fan argues [“but we have hammers and nails!” Jongdae chirps. Yixing smacks him upside the head.] “We need to find a safer place for this outbreak to blow over.”
“What’s wrong with this place?”
“We just need to find a police or military base-“
“Or we can just stay here-“
“Hey Tao,” Minseok says, a small smirk playing on his lips. “Look down over here.” He points at the window.
Sighing and uncrossing his arms, Zitao stalks over to the window and looks down at the chaos. It’s dozens of girls ripping through a boutique, tearing apart avant-garde and high fashion bags and clothing.
“Probably just knock off products-“ Minseok is cut off when Zitao grabs his Wushu stick and opens the window with fervor. They’re four stories up but nothing stops Zitao as he literally jumps from the window, Wushu stick a dangerous whirl as he lands on an infected being, crushing its spine. With a piercing cry, Zitao is a blaze of fury as he quickly disposes of the infected.
“Look at him go!” Minseok claps.
“A massive outbreak of infected people that turn into zombies and the only thing that floors me is Zitao not hurt by that fall,” Yixing looks down. “Let’s go follow him.” He jumps out and lands in the tree to cushion his fall; Minseok and Jongdae follow suit. Wu Fan tries but misses and lands on his face.
▲
The bath-salt eating horde is advancing towards EXO K. Joonmyun tells his group to get behind Chanyeol as he charges through to give them a path. They all break into a haphazard run as they fling knives, wave bed posts and sticks at anything that gets into their path. Baekhyun became sluggish and he held onto his shoulder as he trailed behind Sehun.
“Sehun!” He cries. “They bit me!”
“What?!!” Sehun looks back and watches in horror as his hyung slips facefirst into a pile of Coconut Lime Verbana bath salts. “BAEKHYUNNNNNNN!” he cries as he reaches to quickly grab his hyung out of the pile of infected salts. “MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!”
Baekhyun inhales a good wallop of the bath salts but he shakes it off saying “I’m fine I’m fine” and hurries to the rest of the group, Sehun covering his rear and dusting off citrus-smelling crystals from Baekhyun’s body. They reach the end of the Bath and Body Works truck and hurry past the horde, taking shelter in an alley when no one was looking.
Joonmyun does a head count. “We’re all here?” He asks. “We’re all safe?”
“Yeah,” Jongin pants as he clutches onto Kyungsoo. “Think I may have shit my pants though; that was so scary.”
“At least they smelled nice,” Chanyeol presses his colander half-helm into his head, strands of hair poking through the holes.
“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo pats himself to check for injuries.
“Baekhyun?” Baekhyun moans gutturally in reply, his complexion turning grey and he’s drooling nonstop.
Joonmyun is heartbroken. Oh no Baekhyun, not you too?
“Baekhyun are you okay?” Chanyeol asks. Baekhyun’s eyes turn bloodshot and his posture worsens. He begins to growl and sputter nonsense.
“Baekhyun!”
“Rawhrrahggggraaaghhhhh!!!!”
“That is honestly the least offensive thing that has come out of his mouth in weeks,” Kyungsoo says.
▲
“Zitao wait up it’s just knockoff Prada and Coach!” Yixing hollers after Zitao’s spinning and slashing form, his Wushu stick creating a deadly arc in the air.
“Please calm down! This infection will blow over!” Jongdae cries to stop the fury that is Zitao.
“I MAY ABHOR WEARING KNOCKOFF SHIT AND I WOULD NEVER BUY CHEAP FAKE BAGS BUT I GOT TO DEFEND THE HONOR OF THOSE WHO NEED TO BUY NICE LOOKING THINGS ON A BUDGET.” Zitao screams as he kicks an infected several meters back.
▲
They couldn’t leave infected Baekhyun behind, as much as Jongin says he’s going to bite us and ugh he’s drooling, so they find a worn leash and put it on Baekhyun’s neck and drag him around. Baekhyun infected isn’t as bad as one would think. He smells really nice, for one, and yeah he drools, but he’s not crying out for brains or is just to claw Joonmyun’s face. But he’s still infected and how long this infection lasts is still unknown. How would they explain the drooling on Inkigayo?
“I swear this must be a dream,” Kyungsoo says as they warily stalk past wandering infected, but none seem to notice them. “When I wake up there will be peace and normalcy and Lee Soo Man-nim laundering money in fake paper factories.”
“Shh that’s supposed to be a rumor.” Sehun snaps.
“You can’t be talking bad about Lee Soo Man-nim.” Chanyeol scolds.
“If we’re going to go down in a bath-salt frenzy, I ought to at least be granted clemency so I can throw shade at anyone I like.”
▲
“We probably should have just stayed indoors,” Wu Fan shrugs off another infected person who was drooling on his shirt and prodding at his arms with gnarled fingers. Here he was, agreeing with Zitao for once, but with no one sane to hear his admission, he keeps it to himself.
“Gegeeehgh mrawwwwh,” One infected fangirl stumbles to Wu Fan. Even in the throes of infection they still can see I have the most swag. Wu Fan smirks.
“Uh sorry, maybe next time!” Wu Fan hurries off to catch up with Yixing. “Hey-where’s Lu Han?”
▲
Lu Han turns over in his sleep. He hears a car crash and opens his eyes, stares at the idle water stain on the ceiling for a few seconds, and then goes back to sleep.
▲
Meanwhile, in New York, USA, Bath and Body Works CEO Nick Coe looks at the labels of his best-selling products. He sees one major ingredient on the back that he learned on ABC’s Nightline of its harmful properties, that it could cause temporary lapses of sanity and lethargic yet maniacal characteristics, including, but not limited to: greying complexion, excessive drooling, bloodshot eyes, indigestion, warts and boils, and cannibalism. ABC’s Nightline has also urged that though temporary, the effects vary and that the chemical must be avoided at all costs.
“Well, fuck,” he says. He puts the products away and locks himself in his room and doesn’t come out for the rest of the day.
hit counter website
a/n- wow I wrote that I'm garbage
-what ending was that please just I need to take a course on how to end any body of writing
-only thing I'm proud of is Jongin going "goddamn hippie"
-yes, it's two years old
-I wrote this inspired by that man in Florida who took bath salts and started eating a guy. and this shit pile happened
I apologize if this has already been done or someone is writing a fic just like this. I’m hoping I’m not taking anyone’s idea or if I am plagiarizing or something oh god if I am you have permission to kill my first born (bruh this has been festering in my computer for over two years there’s mildew growing on it)
▲
It’s the scratching on the door that wakes Joonmyun up from his slumber. He’s a little skeptical what could be on the other side, because at first he thought it was a dog, but the scratching is too loud, too haphazard, and the person, or thing, sounds too large to be a domestic animal.
“What is with all that scratching?” Sehun yawns after stumbling out his and Joonmyun’s shared room. At that something rattles the doorknob, and the door shakes. It awakes the rest of EXO K and they warily look at the door. It’s late in the day where they think it’s manager hyung at the other side of the door, probably telling them to get up and go to practice, but the manager is always diligent and punctual in waking them up early, not to mention he knows the code to get in the dorm. If it were the manager, then why is he acting like a wild tiger at the other side of the door?
Kyungsoo must have been thinking this. “Is that the manager?” He asks, blinking his wide eyes.
“If that were the manager he’d open the door.” Jongin mumbles.
“It’s probably a stray dog,” Baekhyun suggests. “Maybe it’s King? Oh, wouldn’t it be great if King came to visit us?”
Something hard collides into the door and the members visibly jump.
“You’re the leader,” Kyungsoo says to Joonmyun. “You’re the shining guardian of EXO. Open the door.”
“I,” Joonmyun is uneasy, the banging won’t stop. “I don’t think it’s King.”
“Maybe it’s a saesang coming in to steal our pubes.” Sehun puts in. [“Never really liked mine to begin with!” Jongin boasts.]
“Maybe a serial killer.” This was Baekhyun.
“Or a zombie.” Chanyeol speaks.
Joonmyun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Zombies are pure fiction Chanyeol,” he explains as he walks to the door. “You’ve been reading too many comic books. It’s time to face reality and think rationally.” His hand is on the door handle. “Zombies do not exist.” He opens the door.
The smell of blood, rank body odor, and the sound of ragged moaning surprises Joonmyun more than the sight of unkempt hair, eyes blown and dilated, and a fan-made EXO K shirt, stained with what Joonmyun hopes is just blood. Her posture is absolutely horrendous, back bent to the side and legs spread awkwardly. She is moaning something unintelligible. Maybe she’s a foreign girl? Joonmyun never had an ear for languages like Wu Fan.
“Hi, uh, may I help you?” Always helpful, always concerned Kim Joonmyun.
The zombie fan lunges for his face, chipped and bloody nails towards his eyeballs, gurgling what he translates as “opppaaaa!!!” And “brains!!!!!”
Joonmyun slams the door shut, locks it and puts the secure lock and pushes the nearest chair to the front of the door.
“Was it a zombie or a saesang?” Baekhyun asks.
“What’s the difference?” Kyungsoo answers.
▲
When Wu Fan wakes up and looks at his phone for the time, he’s amazed that it’s 9:30 AM and no one has bothered to wake him up for practice. He’s also horrified that oh shit no one has woke him up for practice manager ge is going to murder him. He scrambles to put on a pair of sweatpants when he sees Lu Han asleep in the bed next to his, and Wu Fan is slightly relieved that he wasn’t the only one, and a bit sorry that his ge is going to get scolded just as much as he is.
Jongdae rushes to Wu Fan and Lu Han’s shared room, confused. “Hyung,” he says, phone in hand. “I can’t get manager hyung on the phone.”
“Maybe he overslept too.” Yixing walks up behind him, already showered and dressed and eating a bagel.
“How long have you been up?” Wu Fan asks, a little miffed that no one bothered to wake him or Lu Han up.
“An hour. I thought I overslept. Manager ge never answered his phone. Minseok guesses that manager had it up to here with taking us to and from practice and flying every day and ran away with a beautiful drifter to Jeju Island.”
“Of course he did,” Wu Fan agrees dryly. He gets up and heads into the sitting room, offhandedly thinking, gee, the sky sure looks dark at 9 AM. “Maybe it’s a free day?” He sits on the sofa and flips on the TV. The Emergency Broadcast system plays instead, the multi-colored bars and beeps confusing the leader.
“Hey, come on, I wanna watch Beauty at War,” Wu Fan flips off the TV. [“oh well that ought to make the TV listen to you,” Is Jongdae’s disembodied coming voice from the kitchen.]
“Radio’s not working either,” Yixing emerges from his and Zitao’s bedroom, holding a miniature pink stereo (a gift from fans, most like) that sputters loud inconsistent white noise whenever he adjusts the dial.
“It’s 2012 who the fuck listens to the radio anymore?” Minseok grumbles as he pockets his cell phone; cell service was being even sketchier than usual.
“Try calling the cable guy, I want to watch my soaps before Tao wakes up and makes me go out shopping.”
Minseok stares at the leader, an edge of malice lining his gaze. “I am a foreigner in this country; I barely know your phone number. What makes you think I know the cable company’s?” [“We have cable?” Jongdae asks, his voice muffled as he stuffs his face with a muffin.]
“Hey guys shut up I’m trying to get a signal.” Yixing fidgets with the dials of the stereo, continuously adjusting the metal antenna every few seconds.
Minseok snorts. “Whatever,” he says, “I’ll let you enjoy your fireside chats with Roosevelt and in the meantime, I’m gonna go find a signal.” He gets up from the couch, asking Jongdae how he got past the dial tone earlier.
“I guess I can just have Tao drag me around the shops today,” Wu Fan stretches and goes to go wash up. Getting out would be good (even if those clouds look beyond malicious; casting an eerie muted depression that literally darkens the city) and walking around. He reaches the bathroom and begins his sacred facial routine, when he hears Yixing mutter a curse and hurry to the window. Rinsing off his peeling gel, Wu Fan leaves the bathroom and walks up to Yixing, who is staring out the window. The radio is still in his hands, spouting bursts of static with frazzled voices. Wu Fan listens closely and confirms the announcer is repeating a word over and over, but it’s the view from the window that floors him. The lovely cityscape that EXO M was so fond of looking at this window was on the verge of ruins. Buildings with lit signs are hinging off and smoke billows from its damaged windows. Debris and refuse litter the streets, and cars and busses are crashed in nearly every corner. There is utter chaos down below, but it seems so muted compared to the sights of nearly thousands of wandering, stumbling, and clearly decomposing undead stalking the streets.
“Is that-?” Wu Fan can’t seem to finish. The announcer on the radio does for him. “僵尸.”
“Someone go wake up Tao,” Yixing replies. “We’re gonna need his Wushu.”
▲
“If we stay in this dorm we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun chants over the sound of the zombie saesangs pushing against the door. Every bit of force they apply to the door seems to make the door groan and push, but the electronic lock seems to hold. [“Take that saesangs!” Baekhyun cajoles. “The power of LG locksmithing is unmatched!” Kyungsoo thwacks Baekhyun soundly on the forehead.] The group is armed with the sharpest kitchen utensils (Chanyeol is sporting Kyungsoo’s precious colander as a half-helm, and the rest of the group gripes how he took the only source of headgear in the dorm.) Sehun retreats back into his room. Several moments later, he emerges fully dressed and smelling fantastic.
Jongin stares at him. “You got dressed?” He asks.
“What?” Sehun answers. “I’m not going down swinging in my pajamas.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo cuts in. “If I wore Rilakkuma boy shorts to bed I wouldn’t want saesangs to see me either.”
“They’re comfy and let a healthy breeze flow through-“
“If we stay in this dorm we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun chants even louder to shut the bickering boys up.
“Look, we can’t stay in this dorm, hyung,” Chanyeol says. “We need to go and find help. We can hijack on the SM vans and drive to the nearest army base in Yongsan.” He’s the only one who believes that this is a full-scale zombie attack, and the only one with a solid plan with a goal, but knowing Chanyeol it’s so far-fetched and no one wants to go outside with their pajamas.
“If we stay in this dorm, we’ll be safe.” Joonmyun repeats, but the sound of a fist punching through wooden, a burst of wooden shrapnel exploding in the air has the word ‘safe’ dying on Joonmyun’s lips. The hole is torn open bigger and discolored fingers pry aimlessly for the door handle.
“Do you think this isn’t a zombie attack now?” Chanyeol asks Joonmyun, adjusting his colander half-helm.
“How far away is the SM van, you say?”
▲
“If only we got that channel that allowed us to watch The Walking Dead,” Jongdae sighs as he watches hordes of zombies try to climb the walls, but they remain unsuccessful. “Granted, censorship would have heavily taken a lot of the content out, but I think we would have learned something from Michonne.”
“What did she have?” Yixing is dialing 119 but all he gets is dial tone.
“A katana, strong survival skills, a will to never give up, and a constant eye on Carl.” Jongdae can hear Wu Fan dragging a whining Zitao from his bed, and after a rushed and curt explanation of the apparent 僵尸 crisis in Mandarin, Zitao’s whining escalates to full-scale panic.
“I don’t know how you could be so calm!” Zitao is shrill. Yixing casually covers his ears.
“You’re the one with the most adept fighting skills and you’re acting like Lu Han when he gets on an elevator!” Wu Fan bellows and Jongdae rolls his eyes. The leader and the Wushu enthusiast storm out the room, with Wu Fan carrying Zitao’s Wushu staff and Zitao begging him to give it back.
“I want this day to already end.” Lu Han has stumbled out of the room, still in his Donald Duck sleep pants and Naruto shirt, looking at his phone screen. When he looks up and out the window and sees the chaos, he just shrugs and goes “ah. Zombies.” Wu Fan gestures at Lu Han Zitao, as if saying see?
“Look I understand this whole zombie crisis is bad and whatnot, but I was promised unlimited 4G from SK Telecom anywhere and everywhere and why I have no bars is ridiculous.” Lu Han joins Minseok in his quest for more bars. Minseok says that he has three bars in the kitchen, nearest to the sink, and everyone files into the kitchen, frantically calling everyone in their contact list [manager hyung every other call; manager hyung never picks up]. It’s after five minutes when Lu Han’s cell phone rings and he stares at the screen, dumbfounded, because it says 母亲, mother. Warily, he answers it and his voice becomes monotone. “Hello Mother.” He answers formally. “Yeah. The zombies. They’re here in Shenzhen as well. All over China? Some massive chemical leak from the West? Ah that’s bad.” Lu Han just blinks at the rest of the group as they stare, gaping at Lu Han’s nonchalance. “You and father are staying in? Are we staying in? Possibly, Wu Fan is trying to convince Zitao to fight them off. We should stay in?” He nods. “Lock the doors, board up the entrances? Yes, I would have suggested a nice maple wood as well. Alright. Take care.” He hangs up and looks back at the members.
“Mother says to lock and board up the windows with a good maple,” he repeats. “I’m gonna go back to bed, wake me up when the horde barges through with manager ge’s eviscerated corpse in its arms.”
▲
So far, there have only been five zombies in the dorm’s corridor. Chanyeol lowers his head and charges headfirst into the cluster, and the colander half-helm works, because they don’t grab for him. With a startling cry Jongin takes Kyungsoo’s beloved giant soup pot and smashes it against a zombie’s head, creating a lovely face dent in the metal. [“Impervious stainless steel my ass,” Kyungsoo cries.] Suddenly overcome with fury, Kyungsoo takes two steak knives and stabs two zombies in the face as they slowly advance towards him. He is a whirlwind of anger, and Sehun and Jongin watch their tiny hyung slash and stab his way through the zombies.
“I promise to buy you a new pot when this is over!” Jongin calls after Kyungsoo as he hurries to catch up. The dorm is void of anyone or anything else, and when EXO K gingerly step out of the dorm and into the eerily apocalyptic calm of downtown Seoul, it is just them.
“You think SNSD sunbaes are okay?” Baekhyun asks and he holds the busted end of a bed post as a bat and clutches his shoulder with his free hand.
“The question you should be asking is what is causing this zombie outbreak,” Joonmyun has butter knives and forks in his hands; he got the short end of the pickings for weapons in the kitchen. “We cremate our dead, so this must be a mass infection going around.” He walks around in the refuse and the broken glass, wondering how all this carnage and destruction happened so fast. Maybe they were all heavy sleepers.
“I say it’s the amount of fast food we eat and the chemicals in it have caused the people to go insane and undead,” Sehun offers. “We should all go vegan and gluten free in our next life.” Behind him, Jongin whispers, “goddamn hippie.”
“Fast food? Unlikely, I had KFC last night.” Chanyeol shuts down that theory. Behind them, a massive truck carrying an array of Bath and Body Works products from America was tipped over, and fresh smelling scents of Japanese Cherry Blossom, Warm Vanilla Sugar, and Sea Island Cotton waft to their noses. They watch with varying degrees of interest as hundreds of “infected” tear through the truck and trample jars of body butter and bath salts. When they stepped into the salts, their frenzy increased, and the moans and gaping yawns grew louder as the infected started shoving them into their mouths.
“Of course, it’s the motherfucking bath salts,” Sehun says quietly.
▲
“I am not fighting any infected,” Zitao is firm and sits at the kitchen table, not budging. “I am poorly dressed and I don’t want them touching me.”
“We lack boards to cover the doors and windows,” Wu Fan argues [“but we have hammers and nails!” Jongdae chirps. Yixing smacks him upside the head.] “We need to find a safer place for this outbreak to blow over.”
“What’s wrong with this place?”
“We just need to find a police or military base-“
“Or we can just stay here-“
“Hey Tao,” Minseok says, a small smirk playing on his lips. “Look down over here.” He points at the window.
Sighing and uncrossing his arms, Zitao stalks over to the window and looks down at the chaos. It’s dozens of girls ripping through a boutique, tearing apart avant-garde and high fashion bags and clothing.
“Probably just knock off products-“ Minseok is cut off when Zitao grabs his Wushu stick and opens the window with fervor. They’re four stories up but nothing stops Zitao as he literally jumps from the window, Wushu stick a dangerous whirl as he lands on an infected being, crushing its spine. With a piercing cry, Zitao is a blaze of fury as he quickly disposes of the infected.
“Look at him go!” Minseok claps.
“A massive outbreak of infected people that turn into zombies and the only thing that floors me is Zitao not hurt by that fall,” Yixing looks down. “Let’s go follow him.” He jumps out and lands in the tree to cushion his fall; Minseok and Jongdae follow suit. Wu Fan tries but misses and lands on his face.
▲
The bath-salt eating horde is advancing towards EXO K. Joonmyun tells his group to get behind Chanyeol as he charges through to give them a path. They all break into a haphazard run as they fling knives, wave bed posts and sticks at anything that gets into their path. Baekhyun became sluggish and he held onto his shoulder as he trailed behind Sehun.
“Sehun!” He cries. “They bit me!”
“What?!!” Sehun looks back and watches in horror as his hyung slips facefirst into a pile of Coconut Lime Verbana bath salts. “BAEKHYUNNNNNNN!” he cries as he reaches to quickly grab his hyung out of the pile of infected salts. “MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!”
Baekhyun inhales a good wallop of the bath salts but he shakes it off saying “I’m fine I’m fine” and hurries to the rest of the group, Sehun covering his rear and dusting off citrus-smelling crystals from Baekhyun’s body. They reach the end of the Bath and Body Works truck and hurry past the horde, taking shelter in an alley when no one was looking.
Joonmyun does a head count. “We’re all here?” He asks. “We’re all safe?”
“Yeah,” Jongin pants as he clutches onto Kyungsoo. “Think I may have shit my pants though; that was so scary.”
“At least they smelled nice,” Chanyeol presses his colander half-helm into his head, strands of hair poking through the holes.
“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo pats himself to check for injuries.
“Baekhyun?” Baekhyun moans gutturally in reply, his complexion turning grey and he’s drooling nonstop.
Joonmyun is heartbroken. Oh no Baekhyun, not you too?
“Baekhyun are you okay?” Chanyeol asks. Baekhyun’s eyes turn bloodshot and his posture worsens. He begins to growl and sputter nonsense.
“Baekhyun!”
“Rawhrrahggggraaaghhhhh!!!!”
“That is honestly the least offensive thing that has come out of his mouth in weeks,” Kyungsoo says.
▲
“Zitao wait up it’s just knockoff Prada and Coach!” Yixing hollers after Zitao’s spinning and slashing form, his Wushu stick creating a deadly arc in the air.
“Please calm down! This infection will blow over!” Jongdae cries to stop the fury that is Zitao.
“I MAY ABHOR WEARING KNOCKOFF SHIT AND I WOULD NEVER BUY CHEAP FAKE BAGS BUT I GOT TO DEFEND THE HONOR OF THOSE WHO NEED TO BUY NICE LOOKING THINGS ON A BUDGET.” Zitao screams as he kicks an infected several meters back.
▲
They couldn’t leave infected Baekhyun behind, as much as Jongin says he’s going to bite us and ugh he’s drooling, so they find a worn leash and put it on Baekhyun’s neck and drag him around. Baekhyun infected isn’t as bad as one would think. He smells really nice, for one, and yeah he drools, but he’s not crying out for brains or is just to claw Joonmyun’s face. But he’s still infected and how long this infection lasts is still unknown. How would they explain the drooling on Inkigayo?
“I swear this must be a dream,” Kyungsoo says as they warily stalk past wandering infected, but none seem to notice them. “When I wake up there will be peace and normalcy and Lee Soo Man-nim laundering money in fake paper factories.”
“Shh that’s supposed to be a rumor.” Sehun snaps.
“You can’t be talking bad about Lee Soo Man-nim.” Chanyeol scolds.
“If we’re going to go down in a bath-salt frenzy, I ought to at least be granted clemency so I can throw shade at anyone I like.”
▲
“We probably should have just stayed indoors,” Wu Fan shrugs off another infected person who was drooling on his shirt and prodding at his arms with gnarled fingers. Here he was, agreeing with Zitao for once, but with no one sane to hear his admission, he keeps it to himself.
“Gegeeehgh mrawwwwh,” One infected fangirl stumbles to Wu Fan. Even in the throes of infection they still can see I have the most swag. Wu Fan smirks.
“Uh sorry, maybe next time!” Wu Fan hurries off to catch up with Yixing. “Hey-where’s Lu Han?”
▲
Lu Han turns over in his sleep. He hears a car crash and opens his eyes, stares at the idle water stain on the ceiling for a few seconds, and then goes back to sleep.
▲
Meanwhile, in New York, USA, Bath and Body Works CEO Nick Coe looks at the labels of his best-selling products. He sees one major ingredient on the back that he learned on ABC’s Nightline of its harmful properties, that it could cause temporary lapses of sanity and lethargic yet maniacal characteristics, including, but not limited to: greying complexion, excessive drooling, bloodshot eyes, indigestion, warts and boils, and cannibalism. ABC’s Nightline has also urged that though temporary, the effects vary and that the chemical must be avoided at all costs.
“Well, fuck,” he says. He puts the products away and locks himself in his room and doesn’t come out for the rest of the day.
hit counter website
a/n- wow I wrote that I'm garbage
-what ending was that please just I need to take a course on how to end any body of writing
-only thing I'm proud of is Jongin going "goddamn hippie"
-yes, it's two years old
-I wrote this inspired by that man in Florida who took bath salts and started eating a guy. and this shit pile happened