(no subject)
In my life, I have gone through a multitude of angst in regarding to my ability to be there for the people that need me. Of course, over all of this time, most of the people that this particular issue falls under are all online.
The 'not being there for someone' issue hit me IRL at 840A this morning.
Mon's wake was last night. Of course, I'm not there because I had things to take care of here. Starting at 840A I get phone calls from damn near a load of Mr. Man's relatives saying he cracked up [like 'he's not dead', etc etc cracked up] at the wake.
I woke up at 1030, listened to all the messages and then called Mr. Man at his mom's house. I actually did have to call him, I needed to let him know about some money that had been wired to him and was it in the bank and you know, just mundane everyday shit. And I didn't want him to think I was calling to check up on him [I was, but shit, I was worried] so I figured that calling under the guise of the money thing [I was going to call about the money anyway] was reasonably innocent enough.
So I let him know about the money [hey, your money came in, I'm gonna take 30 and grocery shop later and grab beer] and I casually mentioned the wake.
"Aww, I didn't go. I saw the body twice already, I didn't want to see it anymore."
Lord. Jesus.
I'm not sure which is worse - lying to me so that I wouldn't flip out and worry, or the fact that his mental state is so not good that he just doesn't remember it. Or the fact that he might actually be in some serious denial about the whole thing.
So I got off of the phone with him and I'm just kinda floored. I have no idea how to cope with this.
The funeral is 2 today. [3P EST]. I...fuck. I had just started learning how to work my way through this...
A little back story, here.
I've known Mr. Man 10 years this year. He's tall, and a little slow to trust people, and he's a tough nut to crack. Seriously. Sometimes, getting him to talk is like pulling teeth. Hell, getting him to say even 'yes' or 'no' sometimes is like pulling teeth, and for someone like me that could talk all day about any and everything, you can see where that would get hella frustrating. When I told my friends about him, I would always say, 'Yeah, Tommy's good people but more often than not, he wouldn't say 'shit' if he had a mouth full.'
I've only see him cry maybe three times in 10 years. One of those things in life that when you do see it, it breaks your heart into little tiny pieces and then puts them into a cuisinart on frappe. I'm the one always crying over everything, hiding in my room, under the covers, depressed or anxiety-ridden and he's always been the steadier of the two of us. [Maddie's more like him in that regard - nothing rocks her boat too much.]
Considering what might be going on in his head, I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to be the steady captain of this boat.
Anyway, if you see me online today, just [assume] that I've been drinking. I'm on my way out to grab the beer now.
Okay, I just made myself laugh thinking about beer, karthur, and country songs. I think to counteract the misery, I'll sit here maybe, do a little writing, drink a shitload of beer, and download a lot of country songs and try to laugh a little. Yeah. That's the ticket. Off I go!
EDIT:
It's 4P. I went to the store around 1230 ish and picked up 2 12's of Michelob Light. I was walking back from the store when I passed Mon's apartment. I looked at it and pondered whether I should keep going or stop for a moment.
I stopped, opened a beer, and sat on his front porch, drinking and crying. I was sober when I was crying, and the one beer didn't put much of a buzz on me, but it still made me sad nonetheless. I got back in the house and had to field phone calls worried about me because of what happened with Mr. Man. I so do not feel like being the strong person today. And then right when I was going to settle in for an afternoon just hanging around with Kenneh and writing and drinking beer, Ben called me up and offered to get me out of the house, so he took me to Taco Bell. I was better company this time out, and he at least got me to stop crying. I just got back around 30 minutes ago and it took me 20 minutes to get the gumption to come in the house - I didn't want to come into the house and be by myself. I know I'm not by myself, I have all of 'you lovely people in the dark' [/norma desmond] who have poked me to make sure I was okay [okay is a relative term] and whatnot.
So now I'm sitting here, drinking beer, eating Doritos, and listening to JPop and country music. *wan chuckle* There's your update.
The 'not being there for someone' issue hit me IRL at 840A this morning.
Mon's wake was last night. Of course, I'm not there because I had things to take care of here. Starting at 840A I get phone calls from damn near a load of Mr. Man's relatives saying he cracked up [like 'he's not dead', etc etc cracked up] at the wake.
I woke up at 1030, listened to all the messages and then called Mr. Man at his mom's house. I actually did have to call him, I needed to let him know about some money that had been wired to him and was it in the bank and you know, just mundane everyday shit. And I didn't want him to think I was calling to check up on him [I was, but shit, I was worried] so I figured that calling under the guise of the money thing [I was going to call about the money anyway] was reasonably innocent enough.
So I let him know about the money [hey, your money came in, I'm gonna take 30 and grocery shop later and grab beer] and I casually mentioned the wake.
"Aww, I didn't go. I saw the body twice already, I didn't want to see it anymore."
Lord. Jesus.
I'm not sure which is worse - lying to me so that I wouldn't flip out and worry, or the fact that his mental state is so not good that he just doesn't remember it. Or the fact that he might actually be in some serious denial about the whole thing.
So I got off of the phone with him and I'm just kinda floored. I have no idea how to cope with this.
The funeral is 2 today. [3P EST]. I...fuck. I had just started learning how to work my way through this...
A little back story, here.
I've known Mr. Man 10 years this year. He's tall, and a little slow to trust people, and he's a tough nut to crack. Seriously. Sometimes, getting him to talk is like pulling teeth. Hell, getting him to say even 'yes' or 'no' sometimes is like pulling teeth, and for someone like me that could talk all day about any and everything, you can see where that would get hella frustrating. When I told my friends about him, I would always say, 'Yeah, Tommy's good people but more often than not, he wouldn't say 'shit' if he had a mouth full.'
I've only see him cry maybe three times in 10 years. One of those things in life that when you do see it, it breaks your heart into little tiny pieces and then puts them into a cuisinart on frappe. I'm the one always crying over everything, hiding in my room, under the covers, depressed or anxiety-ridden and he's always been the steadier of the two of us. [Maddie's more like him in that regard - nothing rocks her boat too much.]
Considering what might be going on in his head, I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to be the steady captain of this boat.
Anyway, if you see me online today, just [assume] that I've been drinking. I'm on my way out to grab the beer now.
Okay, I just made myself laugh thinking about beer, karthur, and country songs. I think to counteract the misery, I'll sit here maybe, do a little writing, drink a shitload of beer, and download a lot of country songs and try to laugh a little. Yeah. That's the ticket. Off I go!
EDIT:
It's 4P. I went to the store around 1230 ish and picked up 2 12's of Michelob Light. I was walking back from the store when I passed Mon's apartment. I looked at it and pondered whether I should keep going or stop for a moment.
I stopped, opened a beer, and sat on his front porch, drinking and crying. I was sober when I was crying, and the one beer didn't put much of a buzz on me, but it still made me sad nonetheless. I got back in the house and had to field phone calls worried about me because of what happened with Mr. Man. I so do not feel like being the strong person today. And then right when I was going to settle in for an afternoon just hanging around with Kenneh and writing and drinking beer, Ben called me up and offered to get me out of the house, so he took me to Taco Bell. I was better company this time out, and he at least got me to stop crying. I just got back around 30 minutes ago and it took me 20 minutes to get the gumption to come in the house - I didn't want to come into the house and be by myself. I know I'm not by myself, I have all of 'you lovely people in the dark' [/norma desmond] who have poked me to make sure I was okay [okay is a relative term] and whatnot.
So now I'm sitting here, drinking beer, eating Doritos, and listening to JPop and country music. *wan chuckle* There's your update.