(no subject)
I feel like an alien. I am barely existent beside the things I do and the places I have to be. Well, at least some days it sure feels like it. I am always so hard on myself for lack of motivation to stay up later, do more, be more, create more..I hear about these people who say they "stay up all night" to work on a project etc., to get it done. The first thing I think is " They cannot have a child to get to school, a job they actually have to work at if they even have one, or they are cocaine addicts, who somehow are capable of some form of thought process/creation. " Otherwise,I SAY BULLSHIT.
I need to sleep at least 7 hours a night or else I cannot do ANYTHING..I can't take people who profess to be more capable. That's what it boils down to.I feel as if they are touting their ability to torture themselves with extra long hours of work and EVERYONE should be able to do it exactly how they do it or else they suck. I seriously must have a problem with distorted thinking. At least I hope I am wrong..Or else, I really do dislike those people intensely..and that never bodes well with me..:)
I really don't know if I want to do this complaining or not..I think I have a problem with my brain not knowing what its allowed to even think of anymore without the fear of using up precious time that is supposed to be allotted for something else required of me. In this being the case, I end up with a series of haphazard half thoughts colliding in my consciousness vying for my attention at and at the same moment simultaneously being cut off out of some oddly vague guilt/panic process that is taking over my brain. The overall effect is that of COMPLETE frustration and irritabililty which then leads to a shut down that takes great coaxing to get myself out of. This process also takes so much energy to maintain that I end up fizzling and popping in complete disheveled, chaotic, headless chicken dancing. Its really quite upsetting to my delicate inner balance. I know multi tasking has become the norm in our society and in being so many people have become numb and accepting of all of its backlash yet, my natural spirit says "STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS ALREADY"..I can't help it..I am fighting to find peace between my desire for success so that my family can have certain necessities, with my need to feel calm, happy, and secure in my life.
Alexander changed schools...I'll keep it short, I don't know what the heck I was thinking sending him to Trinity. He is going to Montessori and already in 2 days time I see my happy little boy coming back. Nuff said. Alexander will develop a sense of a Thankful spirit through our family education about what we believe God is..and why we act/believe/think a certain way...I don't want any negativity pushed into his brain at too early an age..Its ridiculous the way those people were speaking to three year olds.. One of the "parapros" actually looked at a little boy and said " Why are you such a troublemaker?!" Now tell me, you don't think that lady was setting that kid up for a negative self image? What a freaking Joke. Do we think Jesus Christ would have said "Oh sure, that's the right thing to say. Yes, berate the children, that helps them become better Christians." NO. Man..Alright..I guess I am still too naive..Too hopeful that there are people out there who can be Christian and actually educate my son about God and the lessons to be gleaned from the bible/life without browbeating. WHY CANNOT THIS BE DONE? Ok..If you want it done right, do it yourself nation, thanks for the back up.
Umm..Hmm..I guess that's enough on the complaining train..Next stop..Satisfaction street.
Have a great day.