A Tourist Guide To Australia
Or in other words what tourists should or shouldn't do here according to me:
1. Never order Fosters Beer. It will just get you weird looks and laughter behind your back. Nobody here drinks that pigs swill, it is completely made for the export market. Think of us as the anti-John West. We keep the best and export the rest.
2. Do not buy an Akubra Hat and proceed to wear it around. You will just look ridiculous and be mocked and have bottles of Fosters Beer thrown at you.
3. Never argue with an Australian about how X actor/band/show/performer/invention is really a New Zealander. No they are not. We stole and assimilated them fair and square. They are one of us now.
4. We are the only country that eats our national symbols. Deal with it.
5. Never ever try to do an Australian accent. You will just get an evil look and have kanagroo meat thrown at you.
6. We are a polite society, so if you don't use 'shit', 'fuck', 'goddamn', 'bugger' or 'bloody nora' once every sentence you are not being polite.
7. Don't ever bring up Steve Irwin or Paul Hogan unless you want to be stoned to death with beer bottles.
8. Football is played with your hands not your feet. Whether it be Aussie Rules, Rugby League, Rugby Union or Gaelic Football. Soccer is not football.
9. While all other football codes have 30 times the fans they never have had one riot. Yet Soccer seems to have 30 riots a year for a relatively small and obscure sport Australians only give a shit about once every four years.
10. Rain? Almost as mystical and mysterious as snow.
11. Contrary to belief we do like foreigners. Just as long as you came over here in a aeroplane and not a leaky boat. If it is the latter, we'll just ship you off to Nauru.
12. We like public holidays for the sake of public holidays. Nobody even knows what Boxing Day is about, but we still take it off. And as much as we are ambivilant about an old lady on the other side of the world we take another day off for her birthday (which isn't actually her birthday). We also have public holidays for shows, fairs and horse races.
13. We don't like talking about our native wildlife and pimping it off to the rest of the world. For some reason we have always been coy and shy about it, thinking it is the height of tackiness.
14. We don't tip in this Country. Waiters and other service industry people get paid something called a liveable wage. Of course if you go into a resturant don't expect to be at the waiters beck and call. They'll come to you when they damn well feel like it and fuck you if you make your order to complicated. And a simple glass of water? Come back in 20 minutes and by then if you are truly lucky, maybe they'll feel like taking your order.
15. Our currency is bright and colourful and made of polymer. In fact we invented polymer banknotes. We actually invented alot of things which I am sure you'll hear alot about. We are happy to tell you stuff about clotheslines and lawn-mowers but talking about Koalas makes us roll our eyes.
16. In trying to understand what we are staying remember that we like to pronounce ever consenant possible but as few vowels as possible.
17. Just because we raise our voices at the end of a sentence doesn't mean we are asking questions. We have non-committal grunts and sounds for that.
18. Don't ask us about our politics. We don't truly understand it ourselves. That is what you get for having compulsory voting. We have left-wing governments in all states and territorys (most by large margins) while we have a right-wing one at a federal level (also by a somewhat large margin). Plus this is a country where a red-headed high school drop-out managed to become the biggest threat to the politcal system since a Chinese Sub kidnapped one of our Prime Ministers.
19. Contary to the name, South Australia's location somewhat central in the continent and there are two more southernly states.
20. Ask a local what our nations capital contains and you'll only get Parliament House as a second answer (even though it contains the worlds tallest flag poll and partially underground). The answer you must likely get is sex and lots of it. Canberra is sort of the porn captial of the world.
21. Australia looks to be a tolerant nation, but we are not. We only show that face to suck tourists out of their money.
22. We are a country originally owned by the Dutch and settled by the English as a prison camp to ward off the French. To actually have an ancestor that was a convict is similiar to finding out you are the decended from the Mayflower.
23. We never loose sporting events. We just feel sorry for other nations and let them have a turn (at least at the sports that count like cricket, netball, rugby and field hockey).
Cannot think of anymore now...
1. Never order Fosters Beer. It will just get you weird looks and laughter behind your back. Nobody here drinks that pigs swill, it is completely made for the export market. Think of us as the anti-John West. We keep the best and export the rest.
2. Do not buy an Akubra Hat and proceed to wear it around. You will just look ridiculous and be mocked and have bottles of Fosters Beer thrown at you.
3. Never argue with an Australian about how X actor/band/show/performer/invention is really a New Zealander. No they are not. We stole and assimilated them fair and square. They are one of us now.
4. We are the only country that eats our national symbols. Deal with it.
5. Never ever try to do an Australian accent. You will just get an evil look and have kanagroo meat thrown at you.
6. We are a polite society, so if you don't use 'shit', 'fuck', 'goddamn', 'bugger' or 'bloody nora' once every sentence you are not being polite.
7. Don't ever bring up Steve Irwin or Paul Hogan unless you want to be stoned to death with beer bottles.
8. Football is played with your hands not your feet. Whether it be Aussie Rules, Rugby League, Rugby Union or Gaelic Football. Soccer is not football.
9. While all other football codes have 30 times the fans they never have had one riot. Yet Soccer seems to have 30 riots a year for a relatively small and obscure sport Australians only give a shit about once every four years.
10. Rain? Almost as mystical and mysterious as snow.
11. Contrary to belief we do like foreigners. Just as long as you came over here in a aeroplane and not a leaky boat. If it is the latter, we'll just ship you off to Nauru.
12. We like public holidays for the sake of public holidays. Nobody even knows what Boxing Day is about, but we still take it off. And as much as we are ambivilant about an old lady on the other side of the world we take another day off for her birthday (which isn't actually her birthday). We also have public holidays for shows, fairs and horse races.
13. We don't like talking about our native wildlife and pimping it off to the rest of the world. For some reason we have always been coy and shy about it, thinking it is the height of tackiness.
14. We don't tip in this Country. Waiters and other service industry people get paid something called a liveable wage. Of course if you go into a resturant don't expect to be at the waiters beck and call. They'll come to you when they damn well feel like it and fuck you if you make your order to complicated. And a simple glass of water? Come back in 20 minutes and by then if you are truly lucky, maybe they'll feel like taking your order.
15. Our currency is bright and colourful and made of polymer. In fact we invented polymer banknotes. We actually invented alot of things which I am sure you'll hear alot about. We are happy to tell you stuff about clotheslines and lawn-mowers but talking about Koalas makes us roll our eyes.
16. In trying to understand what we are staying remember that we like to pronounce ever consenant possible but as few vowels as possible.
17. Just because we raise our voices at the end of a sentence doesn't mean we are asking questions. We have non-committal grunts and sounds for that.
18. Don't ask us about our politics. We don't truly understand it ourselves. That is what you get for having compulsory voting. We have left-wing governments in all states and territorys (most by large margins) while we have a right-wing one at a federal level (also by a somewhat large margin). Plus this is a country where a red-headed high school drop-out managed to become the biggest threat to the politcal system since a Chinese Sub kidnapped one of our Prime Ministers.
19. Contary to the name, South Australia's location somewhat central in the continent and there are two more southernly states.
20. Ask a local what our nations capital contains and you'll only get Parliament House as a second answer (even though it contains the worlds tallest flag poll and partially underground). The answer you must likely get is sex and lots of it. Canberra is sort of the porn captial of the world.
21. Australia looks to be a tolerant nation, but we are not. We only show that face to suck tourists out of their money.
22. We are a country originally owned by the Dutch and settled by the English as a prison camp to ward off the French. To actually have an ancestor that was a convict is similiar to finding out you are the decended from the Mayflower.
23. We never loose sporting events. We just feel sorry for other nations and let them have a turn (at least at the sports that count like cricket, netball, rugby and field hockey).
Cannot think of anymore now...