Female Red Head Captain Part 1 - Rating PG-13
"Do You Think You Can Work With a Female Red Head Captain?"
Chakotay stared at the PADD. Had Tom put this in with the reports as a joke? Chakotay read and re-read the first sentence. No, this had to be a joke. No-one would have the guts to put this in with his reports. His eyes leaped to the next sentence.
"If your answer is yes, then you probably can’t.”"
What the hell?
"In this guide, you shall be educated in the ways of the female red head captains; in their mannerisms, their orders and the subtext of each conversation. This is to make you a better officer!"
No way. Chakotay was dumbfounded.
Chapter One: Addictions and how to deal with them
Ah ha! Something I could use against Kathryn.
"If your captain is addicted to chocolate, go down one page. If she is addicted to bananas go down two pages ... Sex ... Pool ... Holoprograms..." Right, here it is. "If your captain is addicted to coffee, go to the end of the chapter."
Right, let's get Kathryn off the coffee.
"Coffee obsession/addiction (in some extreme cases)
Do not be alarmed. Although one of the most dangerous of the common addictions (along with sex and tap dancing) it is controllable. If you are the First Officer, FOLLOW THESE INSTRUTIONS TO THE LETTER!" Yes sir! "Under no circumstances are you to take away your captain's coffee. This is a sure fire way of being tossed into the Brig, especially if it's her first cup of the day.
"How to recognise a coffee obsessed captain
1. Her main reason for exploring planets is to see if there is anything remotely connected to coffee there.
2. She tells you that, "Coffee isn't an addiction; I just need it to live."
3. She can drink a cup of coffee before bed and fall asleep within five minutes of ingestion.
4. Her favourite ice-cream flavour is also coffee (if a more extreme case, coffee ice cream with coffee flavoured sauce)."
Spirits. That sounds an awful lot like Kathryn. Down to the coffee not being an addiction, merely her life force!
"Now, an addiction like this is not considered terrible, however mood swings are likely to happen, with results such as your captain fighting the Borg (see the next chapter) to kissing aliens a la James T. Kirk. If these mood swings happen, you should contact your CMO as soon as possible.
"However, if she refuses a cup of coffee (of her own free will), and has a cup of tea, do not make any remark. Just give her the tea and move away slowly away (unless you are discussing crew evaluations - in which case you must stay).
"If, for some reason, your captain must be taken off her addiction, do NOT make her go cold turkey; wean her off gently." What does a cold bird have to do with anything? "In other words, a cup of coffee every six hours if her regular does is every two hours. If she is sex obsessed, rid her room of toys and restrict her usage of the replicators and holodecks. If she begs for her vice, do not say, 'I'm doing this for your own good,' as that is condescending, and angers the woman, but rather say, 'No, you're not having [name of vice].'
"If you are trying to ingratiate yourself into your captain’s good books, apologise afterwards. Mention the name of your CMO in passing and hand her a substitute; a cup of her second favourite beverage, a Waltz lesson.
"But, if her second favourite beverage is alcoholic (such as Romulan Ale mixed with black current cordial), limit her beverage to one glass a day, or make a non-alcoholic version.
"If, to use a colloquial term, the worst comes to the worst, allow your captain to succumb to temptation. She would feel better in the short term and would treat you kindly for a few hours."
Chakotay was amazed, a sly grin on his face. To use a term Mr Paris would use, this is gold-dust!
Chakotay stared at the PADD. Had Tom put this in with the reports as a joke? Chakotay read and re-read the first sentence. No, this had to be a joke. No-one would have the guts to put this in with his reports. His eyes leaped to the next sentence.
"If your answer is yes, then you probably can’t.”"
What the hell?
"In this guide, you shall be educated in the ways of the female red head captains; in their mannerisms, their orders and the subtext of each conversation. This is to make you a better officer!"
No way. Chakotay was dumbfounded.
Chapter One: Addictions and how to deal with them
Ah ha! Something I could use against Kathryn.
"If your captain is addicted to chocolate, go down one page. If she is addicted to bananas go down two pages ... Sex ... Pool ... Holoprograms..." Right, here it is. "If your captain is addicted to coffee, go to the end of the chapter."
Right, let's get Kathryn off the coffee.
"Coffee obsession/addiction (in some extreme cases)
Do not be alarmed. Although one of the most dangerous of the common addictions (along with sex and tap dancing) it is controllable. If you are the First Officer, FOLLOW THESE INSTRUTIONS TO THE LETTER!" Yes sir! "Under no circumstances are you to take away your captain's coffee. This is a sure fire way of being tossed into the Brig, especially if it's her first cup of the day.
"How to recognise a coffee obsessed captain
1. Her main reason for exploring planets is to see if there is anything remotely connected to coffee there.
2. She tells you that, "Coffee isn't an addiction; I just need it to live."
3. She can drink a cup of coffee before bed and fall asleep within five minutes of ingestion.
4. Her favourite ice-cream flavour is also coffee (if a more extreme case, coffee ice cream with coffee flavoured sauce)."
Spirits. That sounds an awful lot like Kathryn. Down to the coffee not being an addiction, merely her life force!
"Now, an addiction like this is not considered terrible, however mood swings are likely to happen, with results such as your captain fighting the Borg (see the next chapter) to kissing aliens a la James T. Kirk. If these mood swings happen, you should contact your CMO as soon as possible.
"However, if she refuses a cup of coffee (of her own free will), and has a cup of tea, do not make any remark. Just give her the tea and move away slowly away (unless you are discussing crew evaluations - in which case you must stay).
"If, for some reason, your captain must be taken off her addiction, do NOT make her go cold turkey; wean her off gently." What does a cold bird have to do with anything? "In other words, a cup of coffee every six hours if her regular does is every two hours. If she is sex obsessed, rid her room of toys and restrict her usage of the replicators and holodecks. If she begs for her vice, do not say, 'I'm doing this for your own good,' as that is condescending, and angers the woman, but rather say, 'No, you're not having [name of vice].'
"If you are trying to ingratiate yourself into your captain’s good books, apologise afterwards. Mention the name of your CMO in passing and hand her a substitute; a cup of her second favourite beverage, a Waltz lesson.
"But, if her second favourite beverage is alcoholic (such as Romulan Ale mixed with black current cordial), limit her beverage to one glass a day, or make a non-alcoholic version.
"If, to use a colloquial term, the worst comes to the worst, allow your captain to succumb to temptation. She would feel better in the short term and would treat you kindly for a few hours."
Chakotay was amazed, a sly grin on his face. To use a term Mr Paris would use, this is gold-dust!