18. The Moon (part two)
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He was sleeping next to me. I wanted to savor it, to freeze the moment in my mind in order to revisit it when he left me again. He lay flat on his stomach, hair a tangled mess, his face turned away from me. The sheet had slipped down his body during the night, his back exposed to me, soft and smooth and pale. I reached out, stroking my palm down over it, stopping at the small of his back, then up again, down again. I felt his spine stretch beneath my hand, watched as he turned his head toward me on the pillow, blinking with tired eyes. So tired.
It was the weariest I'd ever seen him, and I felt my heart swell for him, break for him. I wanted to give him everything I had and then some. I wanted to do for him what he'd always done for me. Love him. Make him feel whole and safe and comforted. Protect him.
"Wotcher?" he said groggily, smirking, and I found my face coming toward his, kissing him, unbrushed teeth and all. I love you, I tried to tell him without words. Even with your fucked up past and your fucked up family. Even when your hair's a mess and you have morning breath. I love you without conditions. God, do I love you.
Skin shifting on sheets, the feel of being turned about in the tide. I found myself on top of him, hips grinding together slowly, breaths mingling.
“Too tired to fuck,” he breathed against my cheek, kissing over my stubble, “Just wanna feel you.”
“I could erm...I could take care of it for us,” I stammered awkwardly, hastily adding, “If you want, that is.”
He chuckled softly, his short nails scratching at my scalp, “Yeah? And just how would you do that, hmm?”
“I could…” I cleared my throat, steadying myself. “I could put my mouth on you.”
This earned me a hardier chuckle than the last. “On my what, Eli?”
Glad for the early morning darkness that surrounded us, I murmured, “On your cock”, blushing furiously.
“And what would we do about you, hmm?” he teased, grinding slowly but insistently against me.
“I could...take care of myself.”
“Aw, that’s no fun,” Gabe tisked, pushing at my chest until I backed away--kneeling between his spread legs. I watched as he leaned up on an elbow and dug around in my bedside drawer, retrieving the lube. He tossed it down beside his hip on the mattress.
“I thought you were too tired to...you know…” I mumbled, eyeing him as he pulled me down for another kiss.
“Want you to try again,” he breathed against my lips. “Want you to fuck me.”
“Are you sure?” I was frankly shocked that he’d want me to try again after our last attempt.
“Want you.” He kissed me again and then lay back, spreading his legs a bit wider. “If you want to, that is.”
“Y-yeah,” I stammered, picking up the tube of lubricant, turning it over in my hands a few times. “I do. I just…”
“You ain’t gonna disappoint me, Eli,” he assured. “I just like being close to you.”
I felt my chest clench. I wanted to tell him I liked being close to him, too, though I know it was evident. I wanted to tell him in detail everything I loved about him, all the ways he changed my life, how much I was going to miss him when he went back to rehab. Instead, I leant forward and kissed him, whispering a soft, “I love you,” against his lips.
“Love you, too,” he echoed back. “Just do me one favor, yeah?”
“What?”
“I want you to talk to me. I wanna hear you.”
“Why? I...I’m shite at that kind of thing,” I argued, uncapping the lube and coating my fingers.
“Cos your voice is dead sexy.” I must have made a face, because he immediately launched into a diatribe about how serious he was and how much my voice turned him on.
“Alright, alright,” I cut him off. “I’ll talk to you, just pull your knees up so I can see what I’m doing.”
“You promise?” The way his face lit up, I found it nearly impossible to deny him.
“I promise.”
“Genius!” Gabe smiled, laying fully back and drawing up his knees. “Thank you, Eli.”
“Don’t thank me until you’ve heard the results,” I mumbled, circling my fingertip around his entrance. I heard him sigh softly, watched his eyes fall closed.
“Mmm, c’mon, Eli. Wanna feel you.” I pushed in to the first knuckle, waiting for him to relax before thrusting into him gently, until he could take more and more of the digit. I could feel my silence growing heavier, and yet when I searched my brain for something appropriate to say in this delicate situation, I found none. It was no surprise when Gabe finally broke the silence and called me out.
“Eli,” Gabe sighed, on the verge of whinging. “You promised you’d talk to me.”
“About what?” I mumbled, my eyes drifting to where my finger breached him again and again, loosening him up. “What would I even say? I can’t...do that like you do.”
“Anything,” he huffed, shifting his hips down against my hand. “I just like your voice is all. What’s your favorite verse? You’ve got all that shit memorized, yeah?”
I paused for a moment, steadying myself, and lowered myself onto my stomach. Resting there, in the dark--between his legs, my face against his hip--I reminded myself that I was safe. That he wouldn’t make me feel foolish if I somehow failed. That I promised to give him what he needs--to take care of him.
So I took a breath, and began.
“My beloved put his hand through the keyhole. My heart throbbed for him.”
“Just your heart?” Gabe chuckled, his fingers stroking through my hair.
“Oh, shut up,” I smirked against his hip. Leaning up on my elbows, I gently removed my fingers and grabbed for the lube. “I got up to open for my beloved. My hands dripped with myrrh.” I trickled a generous amount of lube between his legs and pressed two fingers against his entrance.
“And my fingers were drenched with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock,” I continued with a smirk.
“Arse.”
“Love you, too.” I settled back down against him--not to hide from embarrassment, but because my arm was getting tired. I felt the hair between his legs stir with my breath as I kept going, “I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away. He was gone! I almost died when he left. I looked for him, but I did not find him. I called for him, but he did not answer me.”
The mood between us shifted slightly. I felt his hands against my scalp, fingers gentle and soothing as they ran through my hair. My voice, of its own accord, became softer and betrayed my emotion. The darkness could not save me then.
“Young women of Jerusalem, swear to me that if you find my beloved, you will tell him I am hopelessly lovesick.”
“I’m ready, Eli,” Gabe breathed above me, his voice soft and tinged with something delicate and vulnerable. “Need you.”
“Are there still condoms in your bag?” There was a pause before he said my name--questioning, confused, possibly a little bit hurt. “I don’t want to come immediately again,” I clarified.
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, there should be a few still.”
Leaning off the side of the bed, I dug around in his bag until I felt a foil packet against my fingertips. I made quick work of readying myself--giving myself a couple of strokes, opening and rolling on the condom. Covering Gabe’s body with my own, I reached down between us and pressed my fingers against his opening again.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yes, please. M’ready.” He reached for me in the dark--one hand on my shoulder, the other landing gently but clumsily against my face. We shared a soft chuckle, and I kissed him sweetly on his lips as I lined myself up.
He was just as hot and tight around me as the last time, and I groaned, “Condom’s fucking useless,” through my clenched teeth once I was fully inside him. The beginnings of a laugh started to tumble from his lips before I begged him not to move, and he stifled it.
I waited a few more moments before giving a timid thrust, relishing the small grunt it coaxed from Gabe. We stayed mostly silent as we tried to find our rhythm--the most that was said were things such as, “Yeah?”, “There”, “Like this?”, and, “Oh, yesss”.
He stopped pushing the topic of me keeping up my version of dirty talk once I was inside of him, but I didn’t want to leave off on a down note. I waited until the rhythm was established and Gabe was moaning pretty steadily.
“Close?” I asked.
“Nearly,” he breathed. “You feel so good inside of me, Eli.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks and groaned, tucking my face into the crook of Gabe’s neck. “Touch yourself,” I whispered, blushing furiously.
Again, I waited for his strokes to match my thrusts, for him to get closer before I tilted my mouth up to his ear. “My beloved is dazzling, yet ruddy,” I breathed. “He stands out among 10,000 men.”
“Eli?” he questioned weakly, turning his head towards me, seeking out my lips. We kissed, our thrusts growing more frantic, and broke apart, gasping for air.
“His head is the finest gold. His hair is wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are set like doves bathing in milk. His lips--fuck!” My hips stuttered in their rhythm as he bit my shoulder, sucking hard at my skin. He pulled back and moaned, “Harder, Eli.”
“His lips,” I started again, beginning to pant as my thrusts became harder, faster, “are lilies that drip with myrrh.”
“Yes, Eli!” He tugged at my hair, and I felt his fist moving more desperately over his cock.
“His hands are--Oh!-- disks of gold set with emerald,” I gasped out, reaching down to help stroke him off, and pressed my lips to the shell of his ear to whisper, “His cock is--mmm--a block of ivory covered with sapphires.”
Gabe’s back bowed, arching up against me. I felt his nipples hard against my skin as our chests slid together. His release seeped between my fingers, hot and sticky. “Come, come, come,” he kept breathing, chanting, over and over, “Come for me Eli, let me feel you.”
“His mouth,” I panted, “His mouth is s-sweet in every way--Ah!” My head fell back of its own accord, my hips snapping forward twice, and my orgasm hit me like a lorry. I felt my come enveloping the head of my cock, filling the condom, and I realized it’d been so long since I’d used a condom that I had forgotten that feeling.
Carefully, I pulled out and knelt between Gabe’s still spread legs as I removed and tied up the condom, tossing it into the bin next to the bed. When I turned my attention back to him, Gabe was sleepily beckoning me back on top of him. Gingerly, I settled against him, keeping most of my weight on my arms at either side of him.
I dropped my head to his chest, kissing and licking away his sweat. “Everything about him,” I continued, “is desirable. This is my beloved. This is my friend.”
“What has gotten into you?” Gabe laughed weakly, his fingers playing through my hair.
“Marry me.”
The words were out of my mouth before I had time to censor them. Oddly enough, I felt calm, having spoken them. Gabe’s fingers stilled in my hair.
“That part of the verse?”
“No. You don’t have to say yes. You don’t have to say anything. That was just...something I felt. That I feel. So I said it. I love you, and I’d love to marry you some day.”
“You’re insane,” he said fondly, fingers resuming their play.
“Maybe. But I mean it.”
He stayed silent for a long moment before saying, in a nearly astonished tone, “I’m not scared.”
“You’re not scared?” I picked my head up, squinting at him in the pre-dawn light.
“I…” he started, fidgeting beneath me. “Get off me, yeah? I wanna cuddle.” I obliged, rolling off to the side and allowing him to tuck himself into the side of my body, his head on my chest. I felt him open and close his mouth a few times, clearly trying to figure out the best way to phrase something, and I knew this position switch was a tactic to keep me from seeing his face whenever he finally got around to spitting it out.
“Right. I said I ain’t good with...that I don’t typically say ‘I love you’ easily, yeah?”
“You did.” I agreed.
“I...I get scared, alright? You tell someone you love them--that’s like handing your heart over to them. They can do anything to you then.” His voice got softer, pressing his face tighter to my chest. “I don’t believe you’d ever hurt me, Eli. But it’s hard not to be scared.”
“I know. Better than anyone else, perhaps. I...Fuck fear!”
“You fuck fear?” he chuckled, pinching me playfully on my side. “You’ve been cheating on me with the concept of fear, huh?”
“I’m serious, Gabriel. Fuck fear. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to live in fear any more! You said to me you want me to be with you because you’re the ‘best dick’ I’ve had and not ‘the only dick’, but...I don’t care. I don’t care. I could be with forty men and I don’t think any of them would make me feel the way you do. I…”
I trailed off, sitting up to light a cigarette. In the flash of my lighter’s flame, I could see Gabe leaned up on his elbows, regarding me curiously. I exhaled a plume of smoke and watched it twirl and dissipate in the muted grey light of morning.
“I turn 31 next month. Until I met you, I was...so fucking afraid of who I was--of what I wanted--that I just resigned myself to just...living a lie! I love Jen as much as I can but I’m not in love with her. And I was perfectly content with staying as long as she’d have me. And I…”
I paused in my diatribe when I felt Gabe’s hand on my arm. I sighed. “I’ve lived in fear for 30 years. And I’m done. I don’t want to live that way any more. I want to be honest now. And I...I know there are things you are willing to tell me but need time. And that’s fine. I don’t want you to do anything before you’re ready. But I...no more secrets, okay? Now that we’re out of danger, no more secrets. You can have time to tell me things and I won’t push, but I just...promise me no more secrets.”
He was quiet, his gaze focused on where his fingers were wrapped around my arm. Finally, he said, “That’s fair. I’ll promise that.”
“Thank you,” I sighed, passing him my cigarette. I watched as he took a pull, tipping his head back on the exhale. He passed it back to me and laid back down, his head on my lap.
“I’ll be back in rehab for your birthday.” His voice was small.
“I’m sure you’ll make it up to me.” I smirked down at him, massaging his scalp with my fingertips.
“When is it? What day?”
“The fifth.”
“July fifth. That makes you a Cancer, don’t it?”
“Ugh, don’t tell me you believe in all that shit.”
“That’s what me and Kat first bonded over!” He laughed.
“Of course it is.” I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see me.
“Makes sense you’re a Cancer. You’re real emotional. Crabby.” I felt him smirk against my thigh.
“What’re you, then?”
“Scorpio. I’m a highly sexual mess.”
“You know,” I smirked back, stubbing my cigarette out in the ashtray, “this whole astrology thing is starting to sound more credible.”
“Oh, shut up,” he sighed fondly, scooting over to give me room to lie back down.
“That’s your version of ‘I love you’. When you tell me to shut up or call me an arse in that tone. When we first started...this,” I gestured ineffectually between us, “I used to worry I was more into you than you were me. But then I learned what to look for, or listen for. To know that you love me. Or that you feel the same way.”
“Are you always this chatty after you get your dick wet!?” Gabe laughed, weaving our legs together.
“Crude. You’re crude. And no. Like I said, I’m done with fear.”
“You fuck fear. You make fear your bitch.” He yawned.
“No, no, no. I wine and dine fear. I romance it. Make love to it. Treat it like a real lady.”
“You’re ridiculous. I love you.”
“Marry me,” I smirked.
“Let’s see where we’re at once I get back, yeah?”
“You’re not scared?”
“Not as much as I thought I’d be.”
“Okay. Good.”
I settled back into the pillows and fell asleep with a smile.
****************
Gabe was asleep on the sofa when I got back.
Grasping his shoulder, I shook him awake. “Gabe! Gabe!”
“What?” He woke with a start, eyes wide and unfocused.
“Jen wants to meet you.”
He blinked up at me, dumbly, for a second before asking, “Is she...here now?”
“Well, no.”
“Then what’s with the panic? I thought you was done with fear.”
“You’ve been all over the news for months, Gabriel. The world knows you as a drug addict implicated in a serious crime!”
“Well, obviously it’ll have to wait until I come back from rehab--”
“You’re not understanding!” I interjected, cutting him off. “What if because I’m with you, she thinks I’m unfit to be a parent? What if she keeps my kid away from me?”
Gabe sighed and stretched, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
I must have looked as though I were on the verge of passing out, or hyperventilating, because he grasped my hands and pulled me down to his level, looking me in the eye as he spoke slowly, “Look. We’ll tell her--if she even mentions it--that we met after I was part of that robbery, yeah? That you didn’t know anything about it, and that by the time you had started falling for me, you found out. About that and my ‘drug use’, yeah? I had kept that hidden from you as best I could up til that point. You’ll come out in that story lookin’ a treat. Big-hearted man capable of loving someone like me, with all my flaws, yeah?”
“I guess,” I grumbled, before breaking out into a grin. “This is quite different. Being in on a plan.”
“Oh, shut up,” Gabe grinned back, leaning in to kiss me. “So tell her I’m a bit busy right now, and when I’m out, we’ll all get together and have a nice dinner and get to know each other, yeah?”
“Okay. Okay, yeah. You’re right.” I sighed, standing up. “Are you hungry? I could make you a cheese toasty.”
“That sounds genius!” His face lit up. He stretched once more before following me into the kitchen. “What about you?”
“I had lunch with Jen. But I’ll sit with you while you eat, if you want.” I put the small skillet on the hob and turned it on. “Get the bread out of the pantry, please.”
“How’d it go? Aside from her wanting to meet me,” he asked, sliding the loaf onto the worktop.
“Everything’s great! We got the scans in, if you want to see. Got one in my pocket.”
“Yeah! Give us a look!” He crowded into my space, and I was taken aback, momentarily, by his enthusiasm. I took the scan out, and held it up for him.
“I felt quite shite, while the doctor was doing it, because Jen was so happy she was crying, and the doctor was pointing him out, and...I just see blobs? I can’t make anything out of this,” I admitted.
“Afraid I won’t be of help there. Where do you think his head is? Wait--His? Him? You know the sex of the baby? It’s a boy?”
“Yeah. I mean...Jen didn’t want to tell anybody because she thinks it’s stupid to focus on. And I agree. I mean...but, I just…”
“It makes it feel more real, innit?” Gabe interjected.
“Yeah! Just saying ‘the baby’ is too...conceptual? Having a pronoun to use makes it feel more real. Like, this is an actual human that’s going to be moving around in the world, interacting with the same reality as me. That’s real.”
“That’s very real.” he agreed, taking the scan from me and putting it on the fridge with an old magnet.
I went about buttering the bread and putting a slice in the pan. Two slices of cheese on top of that. Bread again. Gabe slid up behind me, his arms wrapped around me, head resting between my shoulder blades as I worked.
“That all? How’s Jen doing, then?” he mumbled into my shirt.
“She’s great. Well, she’s gassy and her feet are swollen. But--and not to minimize any of that, mind--but that kind of thing is to be expected, really. Get us a plate down, will you?”
I heard him rummaging around in the cabinets, and then the scrape of the plate on the worktop as he slid it close to me.
“She asked again if I’m gay,” I mumbled.
“What’d you tell her?” he asked, resuming his place against my back.
“Same thing I’ve been telling her. I’m not sure.” I sounded aggravated even to my own ears.
“You don’t have to be sure. I know it’s...it feels shit not being able to say you are bi or gay and say it definitively, but...you need some time to sort it. And that’s fine. Everyone goes through that. Except straight people, apparently.” He laughed at that last bit, kissed my shoulder through my shirt.
“I suppose,” I sighed, sliding his sandwich onto the plate for him. I turned off the stove and followed him into the front room.
We settled onto the sofa, Gabe’s legs slung over mine. I watched him pick apart his sandwich, dangling long strings of melted cheese above his head, coaxing them into his mouth with his tongue. The energy between us was relaxed, though it was underpinned with the knowledge that we only had two more days together, before he had to turn himself in. It made my chest hurt to think about it.
Sighing, I grasped his left foot and started massaging the sole, letting my head fall back against the sofa. Even though I was tired--or perhaps because of it--random images and thoughts passed in and out of my mind, unbidden and meaningless as I sat and rubbed Gabe’s socked feet.
The feel of Gabe’s body pressed comfortingly against my back as I cook. The pigeon I saw hopping along the pavement as I walked with Jen to a cafe that day. The grainy image of my blob-son. The sound of his heartbeat--so immense for something so small. The smell of wisteria growing on a house near the doctor’s office.
Gabe hummed happily and wiggled his toes. I kept my eyes closed but smiled, gently squeezing his foot before dropping it to pick up the other.
I felt flooded with content, just enjoying this uncomplicated, domestic moment. Fleetingly, I entertained the thought that this could be it. This could be what our lives together could be like once he gets out. Simple. Uncomplicated. Instead of running, we might get the chance to be this still and calm and steady. I relaxed further into the sofa, my mind moving on to the next thing, and the next…
Jen’s new manicure, her nails no longer chipped. Jan’s indifference to me when she came to pick Jen up. The sound of a group of teen girls laughing on the bus ride home. The gleam of morning sunlight against Gabe’s eyes this morning. The contrast of that against the first time I saw him, heavily shadowed in the hallway of my childhood home. The difference between those two instances, and how the neon lights from his car radio play off his eyes. The smell of fresh bread at the bakery down the street.
Another image flashed through my mind and my eyes popped open. Gabe set his empty plate down on the coffee table and snuggled into my side. I wrapped my arm around him and rubbed at his scalp with my fingertips. He slid his hand up under my t-shirt, running his fingers through my chest hair. I sat there, silent and alone with my memory, wandering how to bring it up, or if I should at all. Finally, I decided to just tip a toe into the waters.
I turned my head, pressing my nose into his hair. “Where’s your ring?”
I felt his body stiffen subtly for a second, before going pliant again. “Took if off before I left. Y’know...the night I got arrested. Should be somewhere in my flat, still. Dunno what the policy on jewelry was in rehab. Didn’t ask. So I’m not...I dunno. Worried about it right now. Why? You plannin’ on proposing to me again?” He turned his head and smirked at me. I kissed him, soft and sweet and lingering for just a moment.
“No. I was just wondering.” I yawned, allowing my head to fall to the back of the sofa once more. I didn’t realize my eyes had fallen shut again until they snapped open when I felt Gabe wriggling out of my grasp, getting off the sofa.
“C’mon.” He held his hand out to me. “Let’s go lay down. We could probably both do with a kip.”
“Alright,” I agreed, allowing him to help pull me up.
In the bedroom, we stripped quickly to just our pants and bundled ourselves under the covers, cuddling close. I waited a until a few moments after we’d both gotten comfortable before bringing it back up.
“You kept it on a long time. Even after I had taken mine off,” I pointed out, softly.
“The ring?”
“Yeah.”
“Seriously--are you proposing again?” he joked.
“No. Not yet.” I pressed our foreheads together. “You tease and make jokes when you don’t want to talk about something. You try to make things lighter when you’re being evasive.”
I felt his shoulders sag under my arm. “I know.”
“It’s okay. But I am learning.”