A painting pretending to be the sunrise
In the past couple days I have been finding out that my petty emotions are still very much alive and well. I often try to convince myself that they are not, that I am above such things as jealousy and insecure vanity and so forth. I would like to be, that is true. Experiencing little snippets of authentic life has taught me really well how to pretend like I'm always being authentic. Last night, I observed lots of petty feelings in myself, and I also observed that I was pretty heavily under their sway, and there was not much I could do about it. Today I feel much more comfortable with acknowledging how often I get really jealous of my friends, or how much bullshit I tend to spoonfeed strangers to make myself seem cool to them.
I was reading a book, "Zen Training" today, and the author was discussing the ego. "There can be no state in which we are devoid of an ego. But the nature of the ego can change. Every time we succeed in banishing a mean or restricted ego- a petty ego- another ego with a broader outlook appears in its place, and eventually what we may call an “egoless ego” will make its appearance." I often trouble myself with the fact that after some kind of a breakthrough into authenticity, I eventually find that I incorporate what I have intellectually received from that breakthrough into a new persona. This changed persona, or ego, in turn obscures authenticity. But it is a relief to hear that this phenomenon is a common one, and that it does not mean that my "breakthrough experiences" are all worthless.
I don't expect no "egoless ego" stuff anytime in the next few decades, but sometimes I forget that the ego is not the enemy, and that its problems, though extremely persistent, are forgivable.
I was reading a book, "Zen Training" today, and the author was discussing the ego. "There can be no state in which we are devoid of an ego. But the nature of the ego can change. Every time we succeed in banishing a mean or restricted ego- a petty ego- another ego with a broader outlook appears in its place, and eventually what we may call an “egoless ego” will make its appearance." I often trouble myself with the fact that after some kind of a breakthrough into authenticity, I eventually find that I incorporate what I have intellectually received from that breakthrough into a new persona. This changed persona, or ego, in turn obscures authenticity. But it is a relief to hear that this phenomenon is a common one, and that it does not mean that my "breakthrough experiences" are all worthless.
I don't expect no "egoless ego" stuff anytime in the next few decades, but sometimes I forget that the ego is not the enemy, and that its problems, though extremely persistent, are forgivable.