Falling Through...

Nov 05, 2006 04:25

I should be sleeping right now, but obviously I am not. Something is bothering me, but I'm not sure what. I feel like pouring my heart out, but isn't that cliche anymore?

I've been behind for the past 2 weeks it almost feels like. I think what has bothered me recently was last weekend, my father was in the hospital for issues with his medications. he's much better now... and well, I'm also dealing with the fact my aunt's cancer is terminal. so the question isn't what, but when! She has only a few radiation treatments left in her lifetime and then she's doing chemoetherapy. The whole reason to do this is to prolong things. I understand keeping hope, but it's tough. I'm thankful I have a little bit of time left to talk to her and see her and spend time. I can understand why my father was ill last weekend. He's having a hard time with his older sister dying and the stress with his medications and stuff just didn't mix well.

Aside from things in my family, I feel like my life has been on the off track lately, because it has suddenly hit me that the semester is going to be over really soon, in about a month and two weeks. I usually take things every day at a time, but the big picture is making me anxious and upset. It's tough staying possitive when you want to keep a hold of reality. the reality I am facing is that I might not get into journalism school and this means, i will have failed my mission. It hurts to realize I am paying for a few mistakes in my past. I'm learning now where things went wrong and how I seriously lost myself. It feels like the real me has been sleeping for the past 3 years or something. Honestly, I gave up on life off and on for the past three years and now i'm ready to fight, but the catch is, I have a serious mess to figure out. It's tough moving mountains when you can't even push your car down a hill. (that's a metaphor)

The good charlotte show I went to a few weeks ago made me realize my purpose. They were the first band I ever interviewed and 2 years after the story was published in my school's newspaper, they were on the cover of rolling stone. I still remember when my odd journalism teacher told me that I was a visionary.

This past Wednesday, I saw AFI at the 930 club. The show itself was amazing. The loved ones are an amazing band. they opened the show and were just good to hear. The explosion made me feel like I was still a punk kid. They have such good vibes and are fun live. AFI made me happy. seriously happy. Seeing AFI like I did was something I've been dying for since I saw them last time at the 930 club back on May 12, 2003. The setlist wasn't the best in the world but it did make me happy. My only complaint was that the set wasn't very long and well, i really wanted to hear more older stuff (ie- ever and a day, morning star, prayer position) but aside from that, i'm very content. During "Days of the Phoenix" I was singing along and had my arm in the air and kinda pointing at Davey, he then started pointing back at me. He saw me up in the balcony where I was standing. Talk about wow. It was a cool moment for him to be looking at me and me looking at him.

The afternoon of the show, I picked Brownie (fellow DF member from Manchester, England) up from the train station. He was on vacation in NYC and took the train down to DC to see me and go to the show. After getting him, we went to the 930 club. He would later spend the night at my apartment. He was such a cool guy to hang out with. I'm hoping to some day go over to Manchester to visit him.

After the show, Brownie and I hung out in the bar downstairs. I was seriously thirsty and we just chilled out there for a bit. Then, we went outside of the club in hopes of spotting AFI. Adam came out for a bit. The crowd of 30 kids went a bit nuts. He looked overwhelmed. I got a photo taken with him and it seemed like he was relieved to see me and brownie. Little did i know that he remembers normal, calm, loyal fans. He told me that he remembers meeting me at the 2003 HFStival while watching interpol. I about wanted to cry. I never thought I was memorable, but if he can remember my face and what i told him 3 1/2 years ago, then I must be something alright. After talking to Adam, we had to leave. We actually ran to the metro station and almost became stranded. I found out yesterday that after we left the 930 club, Davey came out. I keep missing him! Someday I'll meet Davey and it'll be awesome.

During the show, I stopped over at AFI's merch table and got some rad tshirts, but I also chatted with Fritch. He's so fucking cool. He remembered me from the Pittsburgh Warped tour. We talked about how afi needs to play the 930 club and how I would take him out for coffee if they came back to DC. Since that happened, I thought I'd take him out for coffee. When I talked to him at the club, he had already had his starbucks for the day. So I joked with him for the rest of the night that I still owe him a cup of starbucks haha.

Sorry that was a bit out of order, but oh well. I'll post the setlist once I find out the order it was in. I only memorized it in terms of which song was from which album.

Thursday was pretty good. I took Brownie with me to part of my Astronomy lecture. He thought it was pretty cool. He also liked checking out UMD. My mom told him that he should come back and spend a week at our house and we'd take him all over the place in Maryland. anyways, brownie had a 12 pm train to catch back to NYC, so at 10:30 am, we were off to DC. Before going to the train station, we went to the DC National Mall for about 10 minutes so he could see the Capital Building and the washington monument. I was sad to see him leave, but I understand why the trip was so fast. I'm just glad I was able to help him out and well, i've definately made a friend :)

This weekend has been mediocre. I'm looking forward to going home Monday night for election day (if you can vote, you better fucking vote on Tuesday!) My roomate has her boyfriend here. Last night, I had to leave for an hour and a half. 11 pm to 1230 am. Better that than them doing it infront of me I guess. After all of this, I am in need of a break from my roomate. She's a nice girl, but she seems a bit lost. then again, i'm lost too.
the best part about my friday was having lunch at the Jewish Deli that sits very close to my dorm building. Their food is sooo fucking good.

Today has been crappy. I overslept and spent way too much time in my room. I didn't get much accomplished. I did go to a UMD Men's basketball game but only stayed until a little after the 2nd half started. I went out to RJ Bentley's for dinner. They're a pub kind of place in College Park. The food is good and a decent price and not a far walk either! the best part of dinner was the dj in the bar played all this good old school funk and soul and disco music. I also remember hearing some good rock stuff too. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get a lot of shit done in terms of homework and my office job.

Okay now about my love life... insert jokes here... Okay so wednesday night while I was at AFI, i did have my phone on, but I didn't hear it. I missed a call and it was from Spam, which I just couldn't believe. The message was about how the top two songs on whfs' HD station were AFI's love like winter (number 2) and number 1 was Depeche Mode's Martyr. He kinda babbled a bit in the message, but it was cute. I just am touched that he thinks about me. (granted I figure the call out of nowhere is a sign that he's been thinking about me)

I am not sure how to deal with or what to think when it comes to my feelings. I've been alone for such a long time now, I have desires to be close to about 4 boys in my life. Picking out which would be very tough. Which is why I think I get nervous about these things all of the time. I don't want to pick the wrong one or go for something that later down the road is only going to result in bad feelings. Hell, all 4 of them, I haven't really spent time in person with them except maybe a few moments. Talk about weird and messed up. I just need to figure out how to get one of them to make plans with me to hang out. which is always the tricky part, isn't it!

I think i'm going to continue these thoughts about my lack of a lovelife a bit later. I am exhausted. it's 420 am and I want to get up at 9 am. I have been up too late tonight. so i'm going to end this entry. Hopefully, I will be back to post other things including photos and the such. Until then, take care.

ps- I am seeing She Wants Revenge this Thursday at the 9:30 Club!!! If anyone is interested in going or meeting up, let me know! I'd love to have people go to the show with me. I'm tired of being alone.

shows, spam, family, swr, 9:30 club, school, afi, brownie, friends

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