Delusional
A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness: delusions of persecution.
Good word for me tonight. I realize how absolutely fucking lame i have become. I check my email like 50 times a day, hopwing that someone wants to talk to me. Usually its the same few someones i am hoping to hear from, but i get nothing. Nada. Zilch. I must be cray. I sit and think, "You know, maybe (insert name here) finally started thinking about me again, and wants to drop me a line..." like a crazy person. Ive been thinking about it for years... sometimes the names change, but it always comes back to the same thing. Do they still think about me? Do they feel the same way i do about them? Sometimes i start thinking, "Maybe they are just afraid to start talking, and thats why i havent heard anything from them..." Now just ignore the fact that i have been thinking this about certain people for YEARS, and show know FAR better by now.
So i am getting ready to graduate, i have a pretty decent job, looking at moving out of my moms place in a few months after i get some money saved up, things are going good!
So why am i still being like this?
I have done a shitload of thinking recently, dont know how thats possible with as frazzled i am between school and work, but i have come to a lot of conclusions.
1. I am an adult all grown up and everything. I need to start ACTING like it.
2. I am ready to settle down. I dont really play video games anymore, i dont marty much at all anymore, hell getting me to go out on the weekends to a bar that i have been going to for the better part of a year to do karaoke is like pulling teeth. I have lost my childhood, i am an adult and that is the next logical step. Forget the fact that my original plans when i was younger included being married at 21, and having kids at like 23-34. I kinda fulfilled those already, just not the way i had planned. Had my child at 19, for 2 days. (If you dont know, i can tell you later, big damn long rant there.) Got married right after i turned 21, and was married for almost 2 years. We seperated less than a year after we got married. Reason for that is i was too stubborn, and didnt want to sign the divorce papers, i wanted to try to make things work, but in the end i finally broke down, and it was just shy of 2 years of marriage that we were divorced.
3. I need to let the past be the past (see #2). I really REALLY dont want to, and it isnt hard to tell if you look at the very beginning of this post. So maybe i should change #3 to state 'I should let the past be the past.' Its a lot easier to say i should, instead of i need to. Because i dont feel that i need to, but i know everyone else does (you know who you are), i really dont want to give up the past. Hell i wish i could travel back and slap the living SHITout of myself for some things ive done, and even though i cant, i am still (thats right look back up) DELUSIONAL. Like i can make things change, if anyone would just give me a second chance. And noone will, i have fucked up FAR too good too many times before for anyone to even THINK about it.
I think im gonna write out a list of things that i should do before the end of the year, and i will keep tally over all of the ones i have managed to complete. Im gonna put some easy ones on here, just so that i totally dont bury myself from the get-go.
And here we go.
stop smoking - get over rachel - get over shaunna - finish my associates degree - buckle down and start getting better grades when it comes to my bachelors - keep this job or find something better, dont quit and dont let myself be fired - meet someone that may not be perfect for me, but cares enough about me to try to become perfect for me, and someone who i will strive to be perfect for (even if it happens to be one of the above mentioned names (ha ha)) - save money instead of spend it on all kinds of crap i dont need - clean up after myself (i am totally a slob, you should see my desk) - move out of moms house, find my own place, and be responsible for it by myself for once - become an adult, while at the same time trying to enjoy life - try to find a job in my chosen career field
funniest thing is, these are all like short term.... ive never been really good at coming up with either short OR long term goals for myself. only long term goals i can think of right now stem from one of my short terms - i want to settle down, find the right girl, get married, have kids, the dog, the house, white picket fence, tire swing, you know the story - the american dream.
Anyone still with me by this point?
Good word for me tonight. I realize how absolutely fucking lame i have become. I check my email like 50 times a day, hopwing that someone wants to talk to me. Usually its the same few someones i am hoping to hear from, but i get nothing. Nada. Zilch. I must be cray. I sit and think, "You know, maybe (insert name here) finally started thinking about me again, and wants to drop me a line..." like a crazy person. Ive been thinking about it for years... sometimes the names change, but it always comes back to the same thing. Do they still think about me? Do they feel the same way i do about them? Sometimes i start thinking, "Maybe they are just afraid to start talking, and thats why i havent heard anything from them..." Now just ignore the fact that i have been thinking this about certain people for YEARS, and show know FAR better by now.
So i am getting ready to graduate, i have a pretty decent job, looking at moving out of my moms place in a few months after i get some money saved up, things are going good!
So why am i still being like this?
I have done a shitload of thinking recently, dont know how thats possible with as frazzled i am between school and work, but i have come to a lot of conclusions.
1. I am an adult all grown up and everything. I need to start ACTING like it.
2. I am ready to settle down. I dont really play video games anymore, i dont marty much at all anymore, hell getting me to go out on the weekends to a bar that i have been going to for the better part of a year to do karaoke is like pulling teeth. I have lost my childhood, i am an adult and that is the next logical step. Forget the fact that my original plans when i was younger included being married at 21, and having kids at like 23-34. I kinda fulfilled those already, just not the way i had planned. Had my child at 19, for 2 days. (If you dont know, i can tell you later, big damn long rant there.) Got married right after i turned 21, and was married for almost 2 years. We seperated less than a year after we got married. Reason for that is i was too stubborn, and didnt want to sign the divorce papers, i wanted to try to make things work, but in the end i finally broke down, and it was just shy of 2 years of marriage that we were divorced.
3. I need to let the past be the past (see #2). I really REALLY dont want to, and it isnt hard to tell if you look at the very beginning of this post. So maybe i should change #3 to state 'I should let the past be the past.' Its a lot easier to say i should, instead of i need to. Because i dont feel that i need to, but i know everyone else does (you know who you are), i really dont want to give up the past. Hell i wish i could travel back and slap the living SHITout of myself for some things ive done, and even though i cant, i am still (thats right look back up) DELUSIONAL. Like i can make things change, if anyone would just give me a second chance. And noone will, i have fucked up FAR too good too many times before for anyone to even THINK about it.
I think im gonna write out a list of things that i should do before the end of the year, and i will keep tally over all of the ones i have managed to complete. Im gonna put some easy ones on here, just so that i totally dont bury myself from the get-go.
And here we go.
stop smoking - get over rachel - get over shaunna - finish my associates degree - buckle down and start getting better grades when it comes to my bachelors - keep this job or find something better, dont quit and dont let myself be fired - meet someone that may not be perfect for me, but cares enough about me to try to become perfect for me, and someone who i will strive to be perfect for (even if it happens to be one of the above mentioned names (ha ha)) - save money instead of spend it on all kinds of crap i dont need - clean up after myself (i am totally a slob, you should see my desk) - move out of moms house, find my own place, and be responsible for it by myself for once - become an adult, while at the same time trying to enjoy life - try to find a job in my chosen career field
funniest thing is, these are all like short term.... ive never been really good at coming up with either short OR long term goals for myself. only long term goals i can think of right now stem from one of my short terms - i want to settle down, find the right girl, get married, have kids, the dog, the house, white picket fence, tire swing, you know the story - the american dream.
Anyone still with me by this point?