Personale..
We are going on a trip to the mountain this weekend and leaving today. It should be fun, I was even thinking about getting drunk with my friends which would be the first time being around them. It would be a big deal to me because it shows that I am relaxed and trustful of my friends enough to be completely vulnerable around them. I don’t think I would drink and get crazy but I don’t know what will happen and that scares me. I do not like to put stuff in my body that does nothing but bad. One problem though is that half of the group I am going with likes to smoke the weed. I am deathly afraid that they will bring it and try to smoke to 'have a good time'. Each and everyone of them know I am very uncomfortable around the stuff and I really want to trust them that they wont bring it. But if they do..
I have very unhealthy, internalized feelings about drugs and it effects me greatly. I don’t ever think I will be able to phrase it the right way.
Illogical thinking: When people smoke, I feel like they are not the real them. I feel that smoking is a cheap trick. Nothing is real fun or really meaningful. All of it is more or less forced because even thing they do is influenced by the drug. At times, I feel as if it's cheating on learning how to handle situations in a more healthy, long lasting way. They can’t relax without it, they can’t talk to people without (which seems to be the only reasons my friends do it) and I worry for them just in case the worst case scenario happens. I don’t understand why they would even want to take one step in a bad direction.
Selfish thinking: It's one thing that separates me and them which means we can never be super close because we differ in basic values. I want to live by my morals and they are what they are. I don’t ask them to stop or try to control their lives but if I am around, I ask to please be courteous and refine while I am here. I don’t believe it is a huge request (or it shouldn’t be, imo) but it is also a test of our friendship. A true friend wouldn’t put me in a situation that I am uncomfortable with. If they cannot respect me and my boundaries, I will leave. It is nothing personal but its something anyone would do. I want to breathe pure, clean air, not a stifling haze, and I want that for them as well.
In general, I feel the same for cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs but smoking is probably one of my greatest triggers,. I still wonder why that is. I know some of my thinking is really harsh and I try not to think about it but then that makes my stress worse. Sometimes I think, who am I to be so snooty? I need to get over myself. And then there are other times I think, I am not asking for much, they need to get over themselves! I am always cut between wanting the best for myself and others. Its really painful.
I really don’t want to offend people and my friends and their way of live. I respect them and I know they are just doing whatever they want to make themselves happy which I want. So in the end, I don’t think anything that I feel or think about the issue matters. I want to be surrounded by people who respect it when I ask them to not put me into an uncomfortable position or to stand by me in such a situation. And all in all, isn’t that just being a loyal friend? Sometimes I purposely isolate myself from those who do it regularly at parties. They don’t need to worry about me and they can have fun like they want! That is no problem with me, tbh.
I have had some bad experiences in the past that probably worked me up somehow. I doubt I will ever be able to solve them but I will keep working on my relationships with people and things. I hope that all of us can see eye to eye despite our differences! There is always a medium. (Except my parnter in life, I will have higher standards with that one. ;P sorry!)
I have very unhealthy, internalized feelings about drugs and it effects me greatly. I don’t ever think I will be able to phrase it the right way.
Illogical thinking: When people smoke, I feel like they are not the real them. I feel that smoking is a cheap trick. Nothing is real fun or really meaningful. All of it is more or less forced because even thing they do is influenced by the drug. At times, I feel as if it's cheating on learning how to handle situations in a more healthy, long lasting way. They can’t relax without it, they can’t talk to people without (which seems to be the only reasons my friends do it) and I worry for them just in case the worst case scenario happens. I don’t understand why they would even want to take one step in a bad direction.
Selfish thinking: It's one thing that separates me and them which means we can never be super close because we differ in basic values. I want to live by my morals and they are what they are. I don’t ask them to stop or try to control their lives but if I am around, I ask to please be courteous and refine while I am here. I don’t believe it is a huge request (or it shouldn’t be, imo) but it is also a test of our friendship. A true friend wouldn’t put me in a situation that I am uncomfortable with. If they cannot respect me and my boundaries, I will leave. It is nothing personal but its something anyone would do. I want to breathe pure, clean air, not a stifling haze, and I want that for them as well.
In general, I feel the same for cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs but smoking is probably one of my greatest triggers,. I still wonder why that is. I know some of my thinking is really harsh and I try not to think about it but then that makes my stress worse. Sometimes I think, who am I to be so snooty? I need to get over myself. And then there are other times I think, I am not asking for much, they need to get over themselves! I am always cut between wanting the best for myself and others. Its really painful.
I really don’t want to offend people and my friends and their way of live. I respect them and I know they are just doing whatever they want to make themselves happy which I want. So in the end, I don’t think anything that I feel or think about the issue matters. I want to be surrounded by people who respect it when I ask them to not put me into an uncomfortable position or to stand by me in such a situation. And all in all, isn’t that just being a loyal friend? Sometimes I purposely isolate myself from those who do it regularly at parties. They don’t need to worry about me and they can have fun like they want! That is no problem with me, tbh.
I have had some bad experiences in the past that probably worked me up somehow. I doubt I will ever be able to solve them but I will keep working on my relationships with people and things. I hope that all of us can see eye to eye despite our differences! There is always a medium. (Except my parnter in life, I will have higher standards with that one. ;P sorry!)