Confessions (PART 4)
PART 4
February 19th
I can’t believe it. I feel cold and bare inside. My organs hurt from the stuck, scattered pieces of my wrecked heart. My body is numb, my head is spinning. I feel like retching my bones out. I just want to collapse, and not give a damn about anything. But I can’t. I do give a damn. Anthony betrayed me. He left me, at the weakest time in my life. I didn’t know what to do. How do I continue? How do I move on?
I opened my locker, to see the words ‘FAG’ written on the inside of the door in blue marker. Were these notes still continuing? I guess that’s what I get for hoping. I threw my textbooks and binders inside, and grabbed my lunch packed in a brown paper bag. I usually eat in the cafeteria alone, reading a book, or listening to music. But today, I’ve got a different idea. I’m thinking of doing a little bit of an investigation. Nothing too creepy, or personal. I just wanted to see what Anthony was up to without me, or when we weren’t making out (sometimes even more) in the bathroom. I wandered the hallways of the school, trying to remain inconspicuous beside the occasional student walking past me. I sprinted through the empty hallways, quietly slipping outside beside the bleachers, and squint my eyes to look at the field, but DAMN my terrible vision. I can’t see anything. I really need glasses. I turn around to go back into the building, when I see two people under the bleachers.
Is that…? Oh my god, it is. Anthony Padilla, making out with Jessica Miller, the biggest whore of the school. She had slept with half the grade 12 students, and half the male teachers. The whole world knew that she had a huge crush on Anthony. That whore! And Anthony too! How could he move on so quickly? That asshole! Bastard! Douche-plunger! I hate him even more now. I think he is purposely trying to kill me. I feel my throat closing up, and my eyes swelling. I’m going to cry. I just know it. I slam through the school side doors, and dash to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall and sitting on the toilet. And I let myself cry over Anthony. Again.
March 6th
I AM SO TOTALLY OVER ANTHONY. He has made it official with his new “girlfriend”, Jessica. I see them everywhere in the halls, smiling, laughing, and holding hands. Ugh. It makes me sick. He is living a lie, and using people to make it more believable. He is such an asshole.
April 16th
I opened my locker to throw my books in again, when I spotted a little green piece of paper. I picked it up, my heart skipping a beat as I recognized the handwriting immediately.
lunch. bathroom. today.
I spun my head around the hallway, checking to see if Anthony was there. He was nowhere to be seen. Only random people heading to their lockers. I tossed my books into my locker, and slammed it shut. As I walked through the halls to the hopefully empty bathroom, my mind wandered through different situations. What could he possibly want from me now? He has already taken everything away.
I slowly entered in the bathroom, quickly shutting the door behind me. The sight of the empty bathroom brought flashbacks of past steamy afternoons. The broken sinks, dirty stalls, muddy floors, and the foggy mirror. I can see why no one comes here.
“Ian?” I hear a quiet voice, and see a familiar head peer out from the last stall.
“It’s me,” I call out, keeping my distance. Being so close to him was unbearable. I didn’t know whether to kiss him or slap him. He deserved both.
“Hi,” Anthony whispered, coming out from the stall. It has been a very long time since I had been so up close to him. Seeing him like this again made my heart melt. I can see why I loved him. His warm smile and inviting eyes were so appealing. His body was more muscular than before, and he cut his hair. The god was once again standing in front of me. I felt the need to bow down at his feet and worship him. But my past emotions stopped me. I couldn’t forget what he had done to me. How he had left me, at the time that I needed someone the most.
“Hey,” I tried to say as monotone as possible, crossing my arms. “What do you want?”
He paused for a moment. “I miss you,” he muttered, trying to uncross my arms.
I sighed and looked away. “Remember, you left me,” What is he trying to play here?
“I know,” He muttered, taking my arms and wrapping them around him. “I want you back,” He whispered into my ear, his warm breath washing over me once again. I am not allowing myself to give in.
I didn’t answer to his statement. I kept looking away, hoping he takes the hint.
“Please Ian,” He whispered again, biting the tip of my earlobe, sending shivers through my whole body. This isn’t fair. He knows me too well.
“Anthony, no…” I pleaded silently, turning my head to look at him. His expression was begging, pleading me to give in. I can’t.
“Ian,” He mumbled, trailing short kisses to my jaw line. “I need you,”
This is so wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. I should be the one pleading. He should be the one declining.
“You should have kept me when you had me,” I replied sternly, crossing my arms again.
“Ian! You know that I couldn’t do that,” He exclaimed, sprawling kisses up to my lips. He tried to kiss me, and shove his tongue down my throat, but I didn’t budge. I kept absolutely still. “Ian, please,” He bit my bottom lip, sending prickles of pleasure down to my stomach. Anthony was doing absolutely everything to get me to comply. His hands trailed down my body, squeezing my ass. “Please,” He groaned, tangling his fingers through my hair. “Just this once, Ian.”
Just this once? I think I should be ok with once. Anthony was persistent, if anything. “Fine,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. I missed the stance of his hard chest and back.
“Thank you,” He muttered before attacking my face with warm, wet kisses, his cold fingers groping every part of my body. I allowed myself to give in to him. And I was glad that I did. His touches healed all the wounds and pains I had before. His voice calmed my every nerve. His sight soothed my heart. Like a teenage girl would say, “he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside”. I was glad to have that back again. Even if it was only for one more time.
Unexpectedly, Anthony pushed me against the wall where he had once given me a blow job. The place where he broke my heart. I was starting to regret giving in to him. I mean, the asshole pretty much said that he would rather have a good reputation and be popular than be with me.
“We should continue this some place else,” Anthony whispered into my mouth, pressing his groin against mine.
“Tonight. My house,” I quickly suggested the first place popping into my mind, immediately regretting saying it. Damn my big mouth.
“It’s a plan,” He said, pulling away from me. He studied my face, staring at me quite creepily.
“Did I ever tell you how much I love your eyes?” He smiled, caressing my cheek, his other hand holding mine.
“Yes,” I grinned, “Many times,”
Anthony smiled again, leaning his forehead against mine. “I’m not happy without you,”
My heart stopped. Did he really mean that? I’m glad that I’m not the only one. “How so?” I asked, curiously.
“Jessica’s not fun. It’s difficult pretending to be attracted to a girl. It was kind of gross at first. But I get used to it.”
“Then why are you with her?”
“To convince my dad. The night after I came back from your house, he screamed at me, and locked me in my room. I had to prove to him somehow that I wasn’t gay. So I started dating Jessica.”
“Oh,” I was dumbstruck. It’s that simple of a reason? Well, I feel like an idiot.
“And I know you saw us that day under the bleachers. And I’m sorry.”
I sighed. I’m sorry too.
The sound of the bell startled us. Anthony pulled away too quickly, leaving me cold and empty.
“I have to get to class. I’ll see you tonight,” He said, giving me one last kiss, and ran out of the bathroom.
My heart raced like a locomotive as I went over our little conversation. Did this really just happen, or was I dreaming? I pinched myself to check.
“Ow…” I mumbled, rubbing the small red patch of skin on my right arm. I was fully awake.
I spent the rest of the day checking the clock every minute, just waiting to get home from school, and make preparations for Anthony’s arrival. How much longer is tonight?
February 19th
I can’t believe it. I feel cold and bare inside. My organs hurt from the stuck, scattered pieces of my wrecked heart. My body is numb, my head is spinning. I feel like retching my bones out. I just want to collapse, and not give a damn about anything. But I can’t. I do give a damn. Anthony betrayed me. He left me, at the weakest time in my life. I didn’t know what to do. How do I continue? How do I move on?
I opened my locker, to see the words ‘FAG’ written on the inside of the door in blue marker. Were these notes still continuing? I guess that’s what I get for hoping. I threw my textbooks and binders inside, and grabbed my lunch packed in a brown paper bag. I usually eat in the cafeteria alone, reading a book, or listening to music. But today, I’ve got a different idea. I’m thinking of doing a little bit of an investigation. Nothing too creepy, or personal. I just wanted to see what Anthony was up to without me, or when we weren’t making out (sometimes even more) in the bathroom. I wandered the hallways of the school, trying to remain inconspicuous beside the occasional student walking past me. I sprinted through the empty hallways, quietly slipping outside beside the bleachers, and squint my eyes to look at the field, but DAMN my terrible vision. I can’t see anything. I really need glasses. I turn around to go back into the building, when I see two people under the bleachers.
Is that…? Oh my god, it is. Anthony Padilla, making out with Jessica Miller, the biggest whore of the school. She had slept with half the grade 12 students, and half the male teachers. The whole world knew that she had a huge crush on Anthony. That whore! And Anthony too! How could he move on so quickly? That asshole! Bastard! Douche-plunger! I hate him even more now. I think he is purposely trying to kill me. I feel my throat closing up, and my eyes swelling. I’m going to cry. I just know it. I slam through the school side doors, and dash to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall and sitting on the toilet. And I let myself cry over Anthony. Again.
March 6th
I AM SO TOTALLY OVER ANTHONY. He has made it official with his new “girlfriend”, Jessica. I see them everywhere in the halls, smiling, laughing, and holding hands. Ugh. It makes me sick. He is living a lie, and using people to make it more believable. He is such an asshole.
April 16th
I opened my locker to throw my books in again, when I spotted a little green piece of paper. I picked it up, my heart skipping a beat as I recognized the handwriting immediately.
lunch. bathroom. today.
I spun my head around the hallway, checking to see if Anthony was there. He was nowhere to be seen. Only random people heading to their lockers. I tossed my books into my locker, and slammed it shut. As I walked through the halls to the hopefully empty bathroom, my mind wandered through different situations. What could he possibly want from me now? He has already taken everything away.
I slowly entered in the bathroom, quickly shutting the door behind me. The sight of the empty bathroom brought flashbacks of past steamy afternoons. The broken sinks, dirty stalls, muddy floors, and the foggy mirror. I can see why no one comes here.
“Ian?” I hear a quiet voice, and see a familiar head peer out from the last stall.
“It’s me,” I call out, keeping my distance. Being so close to him was unbearable. I didn’t know whether to kiss him or slap him. He deserved both.
“Hi,” Anthony whispered, coming out from the stall. It has been a very long time since I had been so up close to him. Seeing him like this again made my heart melt. I can see why I loved him. His warm smile and inviting eyes were so appealing. His body was more muscular than before, and he cut his hair. The god was once again standing in front of me. I felt the need to bow down at his feet and worship him. But my past emotions stopped me. I couldn’t forget what he had done to me. How he had left me, at the time that I needed someone the most.
“Hey,” I tried to say as monotone as possible, crossing my arms. “What do you want?”
He paused for a moment. “I miss you,” he muttered, trying to uncross my arms.
I sighed and looked away. “Remember, you left me,” What is he trying to play here?
“I know,” He muttered, taking my arms and wrapping them around him. “I want you back,” He whispered into my ear, his warm breath washing over me once again. I am not allowing myself to give in.
I didn’t answer to his statement. I kept looking away, hoping he takes the hint.
“Please Ian,” He whispered again, biting the tip of my earlobe, sending shivers through my whole body. This isn’t fair. He knows me too well.
“Anthony, no…” I pleaded silently, turning my head to look at him. His expression was begging, pleading me to give in. I can’t.
“Ian,” He mumbled, trailing short kisses to my jaw line. “I need you,”
This is so wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. I should be the one pleading. He should be the one declining.
“You should have kept me when you had me,” I replied sternly, crossing my arms again.
“Ian! You know that I couldn’t do that,” He exclaimed, sprawling kisses up to my lips. He tried to kiss me, and shove his tongue down my throat, but I didn’t budge. I kept absolutely still. “Ian, please,” He bit my bottom lip, sending prickles of pleasure down to my stomach. Anthony was doing absolutely everything to get me to comply. His hands trailed down my body, squeezing my ass. “Please,” He groaned, tangling his fingers through my hair. “Just this once, Ian.”
Just this once? I think I should be ok with once. Anthony was persistent, if anything. “Fine,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. I missed the stance of his hard chest and back.
“Thank you,” He muttered before attacking my face with warm, wet kisses, his cold fingers groping every part of my body. I allowed myself to give in to him. And I was glad that I did. His touches healed all the wounds and pains I had before. His voice calmed my every nerve. His sight soothed my heart. Like a teenage girl would say, “he made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside”. I was glad to have that back again. Even if it was only for one more time.
Unexpectedly, Anthony pushed me against the wall where he had once given me a blow job. The place where he broke my heart. I was starting to regret giving in to him. I mean, the asshole pretty much said that he would rather have a good reputation and be popular than be with me.
“We should continue this some place else,” Anthony whispered into my mouth, pressing his groin against mine.
“Tonight. My house,” I quickly suggested the first place popping into my mind, immediately regretting saying it. Damn my big mouth.
“It’s a plan,” He said, pulling away from me. He studied my face, staring at me quite creepily.
“Did I ever tell you how much I love your eyes?” He smiled, caressing my cheek, his other hand holding mine.
“Yes,” I grinned, “Many times,”
Anthony smiled again, leaning his forehead against mine. “I’m not happy without you,”
My heart stopped. Did he really mean that? I’m glad that I’m not the only one. “How so?” I asked, curiously.
“Jessica’s not fun. It’s difficult pretending to be attracted to a girl. It was kind of gross at first. But I get used to it.”
“Then why are you with her?”
“To convince my dad. The night after I came back from your house, he screamed at me, and locked me in my room. I had to prove to him somehow that I wasn’t gay. So I started dating Jessica.”
“Oh,” I was dumbstruck. It’s that simple of a reason? Well, I feel like an idiot.
“And I know you saw us that day under the bleachers. And I’m sorry.”
I sighed. I’m sorry too.
The sound of the bell startled us. Anthony pulled away too quickly, leaving me cold and empty.
“I have to get to class. I’ll see you tonight,” He said, giving me one last kiss, and ran out of the bathroom.
My heart raced like a locomotive as I went over our little conversation. Did this really just happen, or was I dreaming? I pinched myself to check.
“Ow…” I mumbled, rubbing the small red patch of skin on my right arm. I was fully awake.
I spent the rest of the day checking the clock every minute, just waiting to get home from school, and make preparations for Anthony’s arrival. How much longer is tonight?