Emptying my head
I can't wait to see Josh. Plain and simple. One of the things making me happy about having to go back to Tampa is seeing Josh. I was talking to him about it today, and he said he would be my salt lick of happiness or something. When I get sad, I'll just go to Plant City and lick him. I guess I can handle that. No, I can DEFINITELY handle that. Yeap. Definitely.
Joel called me today. It was the afternoon. He said he was muddy. Here's my train of thought:
Joel --> Christian --> Bay Life --> Youth Pastor --> Sunday --> Mud-wrestling.
I was right. He was definitely mud-wrestling at Bay Life.
Gosh, I miss Joel too much.
I finally met Kimmi and Sean... a couple weeks ago, actually, at the HempFest. They were really REALLY nice and fabulous people... Which is why I used every ounce of my strength to be nice to them. I love Joel, he loves them, and for him, I will be nice to people.
Anyhoo, he called today, and it was amazing to hear from him. Now that I know he's got his phone turned back on I might be forced to flood him with calls at inappropriate hours about inappropriate things. Can't wait.
Brian and I got married last night. It was grand. We did it online. I got scared for a moment though, because when it came time for his vows, he signed off. So I'm sitting there wondering if maybe he's getting cold feet, and I nearly cried, thinking, "Am I the only one really into this relationship?" Then he signs back on moments later, cursing the dial-up connection. He makes his vows, I make mine (promising to touch his sideburns every day until I die), and boop. There it is. Our marriage license.
We're taking wedding pictures this Saturday and forcing Jonathyn, Michelle, and Treniece to be there. I can't wait. I tried the dress on tonight, but my boobs were just EVERYWHERE... and the rest of the dress was too big for me. My being almost 50 pounds lighter since I last wore it, the most beautiful dress I'd ever worn doesn't fit me anymore. Maybe I should wear a pillow under the dress for fitting power and to make it look like I'm pregnant. The pictures would look like a shotgun wedding (or perhaps it would look like I've got one hell of a fupa)... And those are fun... Shotgun weddings. Not fupas. Fupas are scary.
Why is Michelle going to Indonesia?
Bitch. Don't leave me. I get lost when you go to Tampa for a week or two. What am I going to do while you're gone for 6 months to a year? Seriously. I'm going to cry. More. YES, BITCH, I CRIED. Please love me as much as possible before you go and get smacked by large waves in your semi-conservative bathing suit...
Christ, what am I going to do in Tampa for all this time coming up? I'm feeling kind of bewildered thinking about it all. I'm not entirely sure how long I'll be there, but it seems like such a long time already. I'm already ready to come back to Tallahassee and I've not even left yet. Yikes! What am I doing? Ah well. I've already put my notice in at work and made the arrangements with my parents. I'm not going to have to worry about too many bills for a couple weeks, so that's gonna be pretty SWEET ASS. Things are going to clear up and my head is going to be normal again. I'm going to LOVE myself. Mmmmmm... narcissism... HOT.
Helping Robert a little bit on his new film. I'm really excited. I'm having fun already and we haven't done much. I'm going to shit myself from excitement at the auditions. Two of the hottest girls EVER might audition--Aimee and Kara. They're both absolutely fabulous and absolutely gorgeous. Clap clap clap.
Blarg. It's 630 already. I really do need to reacquaint myself with sleep. For reals, yo. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in almost two months now. It's getting old.
It used to take me 5 minutes to do my makeup before work. It now takes me at least 15 to try to make myself look NOT DEAD. I can't show up at peoples' houses while working looking like death... What sort of tip would I get? They'd be scared to tip me because they don't want to fuel my drug habit. The dark circles are nearly as long as my nose. It's sick sick sick. I got upset brushing my teeth one day because I looked up in the mirror at myself. It's really upsetting to see myself in such a shitty condition and not be able to do anything about it. The malnutrition's not doing anything for my self-esteem either. Avoiding my mirror at all costs.
Why am I writing so much? Probably because these are things I would normally be thinking if I was lying down trying to sleep... but I'm just thinking about them at my computer... typing what I'm thinking.
Yeap, that's got to be it. That's why none of it makes any sense or is in any order.
Does this mean I should get into the weird things I think about?
No no no, haha. I talked about weird stuff I think about with my doctor the other day, and he laughed. Apparently I've been thinking of things that don't hit most people until their late 20s/30s. Go me, I guess. Maybe that means I'm coming close to my midlife crisis. I should buy a sports car and start doing a really young chick.
Ha. Buying things.
Ha. Doing people.
Speaking of doing people, the doctor TOTALLY knew what I was talking about when I said ASEXUALITY. It was so good to not have to go through the 40-minute lecture explaining it but still be able to talk about it. This doctor is one of two people to actually believe me and take me seriously the first time I said it (the other being Jonathyn--that asexy-sympathizer). The doctor recently studied it as a form of sexuality and I'm the first he's met, so it was kind of exciting for both of us, I guess.
I think most people who "know" I'm asexual still don't take it seriously. I know for a while Michelle didn't. She thought I wanted to do Paul, even though I was clearly "out" as asexual by then. Mom definitely doesn't. She says I'm just not interested NOW. She's been saying that since I was in middle school though. Soooo... I don't know. If it didn't change through the most important years of discovery while your hormones are flying, it's probably not going to change any time soon, and I wish she would understand that. I always tell her when I make a new friend. I told her when Hodge and I first started becoming friends, and she immediately told me that hopefully, he'd be what I was looking for without knowing I was looking for it.
WHAT?!
Mom, I'm not looking for it because I don't want it.
I wished she understood, really. I think of all the people that don't take it seriously, it hurts the most that Mom doesn't. She's like my best friend, and for her to just ignore what I'm telling her is awful. I understand the idea of her not having any grandkids is really upsetting to her, and I've apologized for that, but it's just as upsetting to me for her to think this road I'm on is a joke. I just don't say anything anymore though. I guess I'm kind of over it. I've resigned myself to her mind actually being a bit closed sometimes.
Hmmm...
The sun's up. My room's getting bright. The bathroom's already bright.
What am I going to take with me on my trip?
Guitar, definitely. Laika. Laika's coming with me. I like him.
Laika's my fish, by the way. I talk to him quite a bit. He's pretty cool. If you stick your finger in his bowl he'll swim around it. If I kiss the side of his bowl (I do it frequently, I'm a dork, yeah) he'll swim up to me and fishkiss the glass. Sometimes when I play my guitar he puffs out his gills. They do that when they're threatened and to threaten. Maybe I'm not really any good with the guitar, haha. Leave it to the fish to get my spirits down. Bastard.
NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK! I LOVE YOU, LAIKA! I LOVE YOU! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!
Speaking of guitar stuff...
Talking to Jonathyn the other night, he said in passing I should play at the Warehouse. That would be SO much fun. I've decided I'm going to do it. I'm going to put together a playlist (right now titled "Music Jonathyn Likes" because he's awesome) and work on the music. Kick some massive ass... Then play. I've played with other people in public before, but never by myself, so that should be some fantastic fun.
I've kinda gotten back to writing music lately. I don't write any of it down, so it's all for nothing, but it's fun... for the 10 minutes I do it before I get distracted because I can't keep my attention on one thing for longer than that anymore... It took me a couple days to finish a painting that should have only taken me an hour or so. I'm surprised I'm able to sit here typing all this. I think it's because my mind is moving and I'm not typing about just one thing in particular.
BLAH. It's almost 7... I should stop now.
Congratulations on reading the whole thing, you creepy freak :) <3
Joel called me today. It was the afternoon. He said he was muddy. Here's my train of thought:
Joel --> Christian --> Bay Life --> Youth Pastor --> Sunday --> Mud-wrestling.
I was right. He was definitely mud-wrestling at Bay Life.
Gosh, I miss Joel too much.
I finally met Kimmi and Sean... a couple weeks ago, actually, at the HempFest. They were really REALLY nice and fabulous people... Which is why I used every ounce of my strength to be nice to them. I love Joel, he loves them, and for him, I will be nice to people.
Anyhoo, he called today, and it was amazing to hear from him. Now that I know he's got his phone turned back on I might be forced to flood him with calls at inappropriate hours about inappropriate things. Can't wait.
Brian and I got married last night. It was grand. We did it online. I got scared for a moment though, because when it came time for his vows, he signed off. So I'm sitting there wondering if maybe he's getting cold feet, and I nearly cried, thinking, "Am I the only one really into this relationship?" Then he signs back on moments later, cursing the dial-up connection. He makes his vows, I make mine (promising to touch his sideburns every day until I die), and boop. There it is. Our marriage license.
We're taking wedding pictures this Saturday and forcing Jonathyn, Michelle, and Treniece to be there. I can't wait. I tried the dress on tonight, but my boobs were just EVERYWHERE... and the rest of the dress was too big for me. My being almost 50 pounds lighter since I last wore it, the most beautiful dress I'd ever worn doesn't fit me anymore. Maybe I should wear a pillow under the dress for fitting power and to make it look like I'm pregnant. The pictures would look like a shotgun wedding (or perhaps it would look like I've got one hell of a fupa)... And those are fun... Shotgun weddings. Not fupas. Fupas are scary.
Why is Michelle going to Indonesia?
Bitch. Don't leave me. I get lost when you go to Tampa for a week or two. What am I going to do while you're gone for 6 months to a year? Seriously. I'm going to cry. More. YES, BITCH, I CRIED. Please love me as much as possible before you go and get smacked by large waves in your semi-conservative bathing suit...
Christ, what am I going to do in Tampa for all this time coming up? I'm feeling kind of bewildered thinking about it all. I'm not entirely sure how long I'll be there, but it seems like such a long time already. I'm already ready to come back to Tallahassee and I've not even left yet. Yikes! What am I doing? Ah well. I've already put my notice in at work and made the arrangements with my parents. I'm not going to have to worry about too many bills for a couple weeks, so that's gonna be pretty SWEET ASS. Things are going to clear up and my head is going to be normal again. I'm going to LOVE myself. Mmmmmm... narcissism... HOT.
Helping Robert a little bit on his new film. I'm really excited. I'm having fun already and we haven't done much. I'm going to shit myself from excitement at the auditions. Two of the hottest girls EVER might audition--Aimee and Kara. They're both absolutely fabulous and absolutely gorgeous. Clap clap clap.
Blarg. It's 630 already. I really do need to reacquaint myself with sleep. For reals, yo. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in almost two months now. It's getting old.
It used to take me 5 minutes to do my makeup before work. It now takes me at least 15 to try to make myself look NOT DEAD. I can't show up at peoples' houses while working looking like death... What sort of tip would I get? They'd be scared to tip me because they don't want to fuel my drug habit. The dark circles are nearly as long as my nose. It's sick sick sick. I got upset brushing my teeth one day because I looked up in the mirror at myself. It's really upsetting to see myself in such a shitty condition and not be able to do anything about it. The malnutrition's not doing anything for my self-esteem either. Avoiding my mirror at all costs.
Why am I writing so much? Probably because these are things I would normally be thinking if I was lying down trying to sleep... but I'm just thinking about them at my computer... typing what I'm thinking.
Yeap, that's got to be it. That's why none of it makes any sense or is in any order.
Does this mean I should get into the weird things I think about?
No no no, haha. I talked about weird stuff I think about with my doctor the other day, and he laughed. Apparently I've been thinking of things that don't hit most people until their late 20s/30s. Go me, I guess. Maybe that means I'm coming close to my midlife crisis. I should buy a sports car and start doing a really young chick.
Ha. Buying things.
Ha. Doing people.
Speaking of doing people, the doctor TOTALLY knew what I was talking about when I said ASEXUALITY. It was so good to not have to go through the 40-minute lecture explaining it but still be able to talk about it. This doctor is one of two people to actually believe me and take me seriously the first time I said it (the other being Jonathyn--that asexy-sympathizer). The doctor recently studied it as a form of sexuality and I'm the first he's met, so it was kind of exciting for both of us, I guess.
I think most people who "know" I'm asexual still don't take it seriously. I know for a while Michelle didn't. She thought I wanted to do Paul, even though I was clearly "out" as asexual by then. Mom definitely doesn't. She says I'm just not interested NOW. She's been saying that since I was in middle school though. Soooo... I don't know. If it didn't change through the most important years of discovery while your hormones are flying, it's probably not going to change any time soon, and I wish she would understand that. I always tell her when I make a new friend. I told her when Hodge and I first started becoming friends, and she immediately told me that hopefully, he'd be what I was looking for without knowing I was looking for it.
WHAT?!
Mom, I'm not looking for it because I don't want it.
I wished she understood, really. I think of all the people that don't take it seriously, it hurts the most that Mom doesn't. She's like my best friend, and for her to just ignore what I'm telling her is awful. I understand the idea of her not having any grandkids is really upsetting to her, and I've apologized for that, but it's just as upsetting to me for her to think this road I'm on is a joke. I just don't say anything anymore though. I guess I'm kind of over it. I've resigned myself to her mind actually being a bit closed sometimes.
Hmmm...
The sun's up. My room's getting bright. The bathroom's already bright.
What am I going to take with me on my trip?
Guitar, definitely. Laika. Laika's coming with me. I like him.
Laika's my fish, by the way. I talk to him quite a bit. He's pretty cool. If you stick your finger in his bowl he'll swim around it. If I kiss the side of his bowl (I do it frequently, I'm a dork, yeah) he'll swim up to me and fishkiss the glass. Sometimes when I play my guitar he puffs out his gills. They do that when they're threatened and to threaten. Maybe I'm not really any good with the guitar, haha. Leave it to the fish to get my spirits down. Bastard.
NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK! I LOVE YOU, LAIKA! I LOVE YOU! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!
Speaking of guitar stuff...
Talking to Jonathyn the other night, he said in passing I should play at the Warehouse. That would be SO much fun. I've decided I'm going to do it. I'm going to put together a playlist (right now titled "Music Jonathyn Likes" because he's awesome) and work on the music. Kick some massive ass... Then play. I've played with other people in public before, but never by myself, so that should be some fantastic fun.
I've kinda gotten back to writing music lately. I don't write any of it down, so it's all for nothing, but it's fun... for the 10 minutes I do it before I get distracted because I can't keep my attention on one thing for longer than that anymore... It took me a couple days to finish a painting that should have only taken me an hour or so. I'm surprised I'm able to sit here typing all this. I think it's because my mind is moving and I'm not typing about just one thing in particular.
BLAH. It's almost 7... I should stop now.
Congratulations on reading the whole thing, you creepy freak :) <3