So much for things can only get better...
Today...lonely as hell...i was even sitting next to brittney in the mall and i didnt feel like she was there. It was by far the creepiest feeling i have ever felt in my life...then i found out that tomorrow were going to the cemetery because of my moms dad...she always finds a way to ruin my life...i dont get to go to my friends graduation party next weekend because she doesnt think i can be trusted alone...even though my brothers staying home too...its so stupid...every night i pray that my parents will get a divorce because i hate her soooo much...my life would be so much better without her it is unbelievable...life would be awesome if it was just me and my dad with my brother here only during the summer...i could do everything and he wouldnt care...thats why hes awesome...i dont know how he ended up with her anyways...he doesnt and didnt love her...thats why marriage is gay...by the time you figure out who the person really is your already strapped down to them and cant get out without divorce which is always a mess and destorys your reputation...i dont know though...i still want to have a bf for some reason...its so weird..its so not like me..you know me-i usually jsut go from guy to guy with no problems or anythnig and in the relationship im the one with commitment problems and i guess its because im "afraid to love and be loved" or something i dont know though..thats what people tell me all the time...i just want...no...i dont even know what i want...i guess before i jump into anything i should figure that out huh....god...im being torn apart inside...i keep on having dreams of failing at everything and never getting into any colleges and being this old lonely hag who shoots birds all day and yells at the little kids who are having fun...its horrible...i wish i could just find someone who makes my day 100 times better even when im not with them...im not even like this...i dont get it...i have never felt this way since as long as i can remember..and now its just all of a sudden unhappiness...ive always been really happy and optimistic about everything...i mean everything too...i know i should stop complaining and theres worse people out there...far worse even in my own street theres people far worse than me...but sometimes i jsut need to vent...especially when i feel this shitty....if you actually made it through that whole thing i am incredibly sorry lol...its so long and so treacherous to read but its true...i need to find something happy to do before i emotionally collapse...the feeling is really that bad.