What Drove Me To Do It In The First Place...?
...Let's just drop that small fact of me not updating in like... 2 months? Things happened.. but whatever. I decided to write this based on talks I had today and various feelings I had from before. ...I don't plan on bashing anyone. lol
I figured I wanna find out within myself a couple of things: Why do I dance? Why do I do it well? What drives me? What makes me WANT this so much? ...and others. Well, let's start off with small synopsis: Never danced before, tried for a dance group (Fusion), got denied (rightfully so.. I sucked), danced more, took some classes, tried for Fusion two more times (and Vibes twice), and got denied again (in terms of Vibes, it was more than just sucking. :P I'm a maaaaaaale. lol) Was asked to be in Unofficial Project, started off slow... got contacts (lol @ Alex) and a small confidence boost, and danced more last semester. Now we're at this semester. From comments I've gotten from people like Terry, Angie, Lala, Tiffany, and others... it seems I've "exploded" as a dancer this year. Which makes me think "Damn, I was that bad before?!" But anyway... yeah, exploded (ala Jenny-style from Vibes). Ok, so I'm good now? Sadly, I doubt I canever believe that. Outside of being too humble out my ass to ever accept a normal compliment (I get real awkward) I've been denied so many times that it sorta became mental baggage. You know.. "Oh Tristan, you dance so well.." ...and I go "Obviously not well enought if ______ didn't take me." ...I say this in my mind of course, as not to ruin their compliment. :p But still... its just like... I can't rally feel that I've grown until I'm able t take the same people who turned me down and make them think "Damn.. I wish we did take him." ...I mean, they'll never say it, but I think I crave the acknowledgment. Not the need to be #1, just the needto have people know that I CAN dance.. I wasn't like everyone else who danced from the age of 3... I danced from the age of 17... 3 years ago. I'm not special.. I didn't go to the Fancy-blah Dance School for the Arts... I just came here and tried something I wanted to do. In terms of what drives me.. I think it's that need to be acknowledged. Why do I need to know Hamlet Thunder more than any other dance? Why do I have to go all out in performances, just when it's tech/cue2cue? I want people to look at me when I dance and say.. Damn, he's good. No.. scratch that. I want other dancers to look at me and be like "Damn, he's good." I wanna be inspiring like so many dancers here have been to me. I could name names from the big I have spanning groups all over.. but I'll do that later privately. lol. Everytime I watch someone.. I take something in. "Omg... Lala is sooo sharp." "Daaamn, Jamie can beeend." "Woooow, you see Kris' facials?" "Look at Chad's attitude. Mad hot..." and all that junk. It inspires me to want to be greater in those areas. It also makes me want to be like them. I want someone to watch me and say "Damn... that boy has an awesome face.. I gotta take that." ...Theft is the greatest form of flattery in this business to me.
Mind you, the reason I dance is to have fun.. not cause I'm on some vengeance streak to be respected by all who shunned me. But.. well it's hard to explain. And I mean, when I ask people to watch me specifically during dances or when I ask people how I look (and not the group), it's not because I'm conceited. It's just that I want to fix myself in any way possible. If I needed more energy and needed to be sharper... I wanna know. So I ask.. although since many of my dancers are my friends.. I don't know how truthful or how REAL they'd be in telling me what I want to hear... but I still take in what they say. It doesn't always work tho (I used to be "too contained" and now I travel too much... because I had to break out of looking contained.) ...but this whole experience is good. I'm a lot more comfortable with my body now. I can do much more things that I would hesitate to do before (ex. booty shakes)... well you know me, coughmrnewbootycough.... how that got out, I dont know. :p
...Unofficial Project. Someone tell me when I became one of the strongest dancers on the group?? I just dont see it. It's not reverse-conceitedness (being humble to look for pity compliments) or... stupidity. It's just that... I wasn't good enough to get into any groups, and this one I got in on a by. I mean I try to strengthen my skills and junk whenever I can (hence my random dancing), but I mean.. I guess cause I never had the super experience or back up of being in a super A-class group like Angie/Puki/Tim/etc.. I always felt like I couldn't put myself on their level. I still can't see it.
I'm taking steps to recover however... if I'm able to teach Luv(Sic) without any problems, and have it performed on stage.. I'll feel REALLY accomplished. And it's not just so I can be in the front of a dance and crap. it's because I wanna be able to say that I choreo'd a dance and performed it. I can say I dont just mimic dance.. but I can make me own stuff too. I'm just trying to grow as a dancer in general. I've made plenty of dances... most just dont see the light of day, sadly (R.I.P. Quantum Leap)... but I mean, I wanna be able to find what my "style" is. Through making choreo.. and choosing what songs I feel fit me and what moves I feel express me... I'll be able to understand myself better. Right now, I think I just love to isolate parts of my body to the beat (ala Dance2xs) and then do simple high energy moves (shaking, etc.)
Maybe if I get into Dance2xs New York (what a coup d'etat), I'll forget all my old baggage and be happy knowing my skills got me into a professional group. But for now... I have to just work with what's in front of me and mak the best of it. ...Or Vibes/Fusion can have a masterclass and I can show them what the hell they all missed out on. lol! :P
....Thanx for listening. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
I figured I wanna find out within myself a couple of things: Why do I dance? Why do I do it well? What drives me? What makes me WANT this so much? ...and others. Well, let's start off with small synopsis: Never danced before, tried for a dance group (Fusion), got denied (rightfully so.. I sucked), danced more, took some classes, tried for Fusion two more times (and Vibes twice), and got denied again (in terms of Vibes, it was more than just sucking. :P I'm a maaaaaaale. lol) Was asked to be in Unofficial Project, started off slow... got contacts (lol @ Alex) and a small confidence boost, and danced more last semester. Now we're at this semester. From comments I've gotten from people like Terry, Angie, Lala, Tiffany, and others... it seems I've "exploded" as a dancer this year. Which makes me think "Damn, I was that bad before?!" But anyway... yeah, exploded (ala Jenny-style from Vibes). Ok, so I'm good now? Sadly, I doubt I canever believe that. Outside of being too humble out my ass to ever accept a normal compliment (I get real awkward) I've been denied so many times that it sorta became mental baggage. You know.. "Oh Tristan, you dance so well.." ...and I go "Obviously not well enought if ______ didn't take me." ...I say this in my mind of course, as not to ruin their compliment. :p But still... its just like... I can't rally feel that I've grown until I'm able t take the same people who turned me down and make them think "Damn.. I wish we did take him." ...I mean, they'll never say it, but I think I crave the acknowledgment. Not the need to be #1, just the needto have people know that I CAN dance.. I wasn't like everyone else who danced from the age of 3... I danced from the age of 17... 3 years ago. I'm not special.. I didn't go to the Fancy-blah Dance School for the Arts... I just came here and tried something I wanted to do. In terms of what drives me.. I think it's that need to be acknowledged. Why do I need to know Hamlet Thunder more than any other dance? Why do I have to go all out in performances, just when it's tech/cue2cue? I want people to look at me when I dance and say.. Damn, he's good. No.. scratch that. I want other dancers to look at me and be like "Damn, he's good." I wanna be inspiring like so many dancers here have been to me. I could name names from the big I have spanning groups all over.. but I'll do that later privately. lol. Everytime I watch someone.. I take something in. "Omg... Lala is sooo sharp." "Daaamn, Jamie can beeend." "Woooow, you see Kris' facials?" "Look at Chad's attitude. Mad hot..." and all that junk. It inspires me to want to be greater in those areas. It also makes me want to be like them. I want someone to watch me and say "Damn... that boy has an awesome face.. I gotta take that." ...Theft is the greatest form of flattery in this business to me.
Mind you, the reason I dance is to have fun.. not cause I'm on some vengeance streak to be respected by all who shunned me. But.. well it's hard to explain. And I mean, when I ask people to watch me specifically during dances or when I ask people how I look (and not the group), it's not because I'm conceited. It's just that I want to fix myself in any way possible. If I needed more energy and needed to be sharper... I wanna know. So I ask.. although since many of my dancers are my friends.. I don't know how truthful or how REAL they'd be in telling me what I want to hear... but I still take in what they say. It doesn't always work tho (I used to be "too contained" and now I travel too much... because I had to break out of looking contained.) ...but this whole experience is good. I'm a lot more comfortable with my body now. I can do much more things that I would hesitate to do before (ex. booty shakes)... well you know me, coughmrnewbootycough.... how that got out, I dont know. :p
...Unofficial Project. Someone tell me when I became one of the strongest dancers on the group?? I just dont see it. It's not reverse-conceitedness (being humble to look for pity compliments) or... stupidity. It's just that... I wasn't good enough to get into any groups, and this one I got in on a by. I mean I try to strengthen my skills and junk whenever I can (hence my random dancing), but I mean.. I guess cause I never had the super experience or back up of being in a super A-class group like Angie/Puki/Tim/etc.. I always felt like I couldn't put myself on their level. I still can't see it.
I'm taking steps to recover however... if I'm able to teach Luv(Sic) without any problems, and have it performed on stage.. I'll feel REALLY accomplished. And it's not just so I can be in the front of a dance and crap. it's because I wanna be able to say that I choreo'd a dance and performed it. I can say I dont just mimic dance.. but I can make me own stuff too. I'm just trying to grow as a dancer in general. I've made plenty of dances... most just dont see the light of day, sadly (R.I.P. Quantum Leap)... but I mean, I wanna be able to find what my "style" is. Through making choreo.. and choosing what songs I feel fit me and what moves I feel express me... I'll be able to understand myself better. Right now, I think I just love to isolate parts of my body to the beat (ala Dance2xs) and then do simple high energy moves (shaking, etc.)
Maybe if I get into Dance2xs New York (what a coup d'etat), I'll forget all my old baggage and be happy knowing my skills got me into a professional group. But for now... I have to just work with what's in front of me and mak the best of it. ...Or Vibes/Fusion can have a masterclass and I can show them what the hell they all missed out on. lol! :P
....Thanx for listening. I just wanted to get it off my chest.