I think I just shot myself in the foot
So Nick chatted with me tonight and I showed him all my new finds from yesterday but the conversation felt so one sided and he was more like, "What do you want?" when I wanted to just hang out casually on Saturday for a walk like old time's sake. What I didn't expect was the fact he said we are friends but the same time not. The only friendship he expects from me was equivalent of exchange and he keeps on saying that all his friendships no matter how dear are based on that. He's seriously defining himself as a narcissistic sociopath and I am unsure if he's ambivalent, oblivious, or sheer ignorant about it. He's going off he's seeing a psychologist as the main new potential relationship interest with two other women on the side. It's incredibly stupid that I'm willing to drop as friends easily for the sake of salvaging the end of a breakup while he's changing his tune. He says he cares about me, yet he's reacting the way that doesn't exactly follow suit. Like, he's willing that I come over and do laundry at his place and giving me a loving hug, but he's not cool with just going on a walk to enjoy beautiful scenery while getting fit?
It sounds like he wants to let me go but in his very strange controlling way. I was completely fine talking to him in a platonic way but then he no problems emotionally reducing me into tears by the end of the call. He's not mad at me but at the same time I felt awkward he saw the vulnerable side of me... of him knowing I still loving him and doing whatever it takes to make peace of the situation. At least he was honest that he told all his circle of friends that the break up was his decision due to his inability to control his own issues and caused physical harm to me. My fear was that all his friends would think it's me not him.
Is this wrong of me? Back in 2019, I have started reading up on how to become a Buddhist nun. Today I'm reading more of it and having somewhat of a better understanding. The centre is not too far away from my dad's former workplace so I think the next time I am in the area, I am going to drop by and have a closer look.
I feel I am at that point in life that I'm wondering, "What's the point?" I am going through full celibacy at this point, I'm not going to get remarried at this point and I have zero interest in looking for a new relationship. My kids don't really have a keen interest in me anymore and pretty soon I just want to rid my life of excessive wants and desires. I think I have decided what I want to do as soon as I turn 50. I'll wind down on my work and start practicing then; by the time I turn 55, I will retire and hope to be ordained to a proper Buddhist nun.
Some food for thought. I just want to shut down all this negative energy for good and focus on the basics in life.
It sounds like he wants to let me go but in his very strange controlling way. I was completely fine talking to him in a platonic way but then he no problems emotionally reducing me into tears by the end of the call. He's not mad at me but at the same time I felt awkward he saw the vulnerable side of me... of him knowing I still loving him and doing whatever it takes to make peace of the situation. At least he was honest that he told all his circle of friends that the break up was his decision due to his inability to control his own issues and caused physical harm to me. My fear was that all his friends would think it's me not him.
Is this wrong of me? Back in 2019, I have started reading up on how to become a Buddhist nun. Today I'm reading more of it and having somewhat of a better understanding. The centre is not too far away from my dad's former workplace so I think the next time I am in the area, I am going to drop by and have a closer look.
I feel I am at that point in life that I'm wondering, "What's the point?" I am going through full celibacy at this point, I'm not going to get remarried at this point and I have zero interest in looking for a new relationship. My kids don't really have a keen interest in me anymore and pretty soon I just want to rid my life of excessive wants and desires. I think I have decided what I want to do as soon as I turn 50. I'll wind down on my work and start practicing then; by the time I turn 55, I will retire and hope to be ordained to a proper Buddhist nun.
Some food for thought. I just want to shut down all this negative energy for good and focus on the basics in life.