What Hurts the Most: Pt 1
I was talking to a dear of mine and she confessed to me that they were angry at their mate. As she started to explain the tears began to flow as she told me the reasons why she was so angry at him. Part it was because he had cheated on her so many times, had played head games with her, took job that would force him to leave her alone. When ever she needed to talk to him her friends became her husband but, the most damaging one of all was her husband not being their for the birth of their second child.
I myself almost cried when I heard and saw her relive the fear she had. I could only imagine the pleas she made to him to meet her at the hospital, how she told the nurses over and over again how scared she was. Even though friends showed up in the end, still he should had been there. Now eight plus years later and the question was in the air in our conversation, even though neither of us had said it. That night I though about someone who I am very angry at and hurt by. I found myself thinking of why I didn't or haven't told this person yet. The more I think about it the more the question that was unspoken in my conversation with my friend echoed in my mind...louder and louder until I said, alone in my room lying on my bed aloud. The question was, "where were you?"
See for me, I was going through a major health crisis. I didn't tell a lot of people mainly because I didn't want people to freak out, also because I was so focused on trying to make my family and few friends fell that everything was going to be okay..even though I was unsure myself. I am angry at this person because while they were there for me in the middle of the crisis, the point I needed them the most was at the beginning. I am angry because they left me when I needed them most.
The series of events is what led up to my complete un-trust, hurt and angry I feel towards this person, began when I went to the doctors back in February of 07, I had some test ran in the early part of the month and had been waiting results. It was on the 22nd of the month that I was sitting at home, when I got a call from my doctor. As Dr. Navi explained to me my medical situation, my heart sank because I was unsure of what would happen next...I was scared and in that moment I could only think to turn to the person I knew would be there for me. I got online to send this person an email to explain to them what was going on, to my surprise an email was from them...however when I read what they had to say, my world in that moment stopped. The email I got was as follows:
"
Johnny,
I need to cut you out of my life completely. I'm done larping, I'll be done with school in Indy in a month and I just need to get past the last year of my life as a whole. I don't want a friendship with you, and I cannot and will not respond to any thing you send me. Please, stop emailing me and trying to communicate with me in any way. I don't want to have to write another email like this. I know you are going through your own stuff right now, and this isn't the best time, but I need to get away from you entirely. "
My heart sank and I began to sob, alone on the floor of my computer room...no one to comfort me in that immediate moment I was completely alone. As time went on this person and I slowly made our way back to each other. I was sick the entire making up period. I remember that I had confessed how sick I was to them in the middle of an Office Depot. I didn't tell them I had been sick since February, I simply stated I was ill and was being treated. Now eight months later I am angry still because the friend I speak of wonders why I don't trust him. When I inform him at one point he did have my complete trust he tells me it never felt like it. The truth is he did, but lost it when he sent that email and left me alone in one of my darkest moments.
Out of all people a stranger was there for me and still is. This person I ran into later that horrible February day at the market. He asked how I was and I broke down in the middle of the shopping isle. Perhaps he could see the fear, panic, sheer terror on my face. More so, I think he could really see the hurt. This person who I was an acquaintance of but for all intent was a stranger to me, was there for me when my friend wasn't, which now I sit angry and unsure of how to say so. My acquaintance took me to appointments, held my hand, held me when I cried, listened, held me..in all they did the things my friend did once I told them how sick I was.
Now granted I could had said something on that day, but really if I had it simply would had looked like a desperate attempt to hold on to a friendship with someone who was so willing and egret to cut me out of their life with no questions asked. I could had said something that day in Office Depot, but I had no real plans to ever tell him I was sick because in some way cutting him from information like that I felt was punishing him...when it did nothing but hurt me more in some ways. I tried to recently tell him over lunch using a "what if" scenario...his response was positive for the most part...but as I started to tell him the fear of him doing something like that me again came over me like a big wave. I went down this road before...and was unsure if I was willing to travel down it again. How do you trust someone who broke your trust so bad? How do you let someone in who was in and destroyed so much most of all how do you ask some one where were they when you needed them the most? And in asking them are you putting something to rest or are you simple cracking the tip of the iceburg? So Kids, I ask..what do I do?
I myself almost cried when I heard and saw her relive the fear she had. I could only imagine the pleas she made to him to meet her at the hospital, how she told the nurses over and over again how scared she was. Even though friends showed up in the end, still he should had been there. Now eight plus years later and the question was in the air in our conversation, even though neither of us had said it. That night I though about someone who I am very angry at and hurt by. I found myself thinking of why I didn't or haven't told this person yet. The more I think about it the more the question that was unspoken in my conversation with my friend echoed in my mind...louder and louder until I said, alone in my room lying on my bed aloud. The question was, "where were you?"
See for me, I was going through a major health crisis. I didn't tell a lot of people mainly because I didn't want people to freak out, also because I was so focused on trying to make my family and few friends fell that everything was going to be okay..even though I was unsure myself. I am angry at this person because while they were there for me in the middle of the crisis, the point I needed them the most was at the beginning. I am angry because they left me when I needed them most.
The series of events is what led up to my complete un-trust, hurt and angry I feel towards this person, began when I went to the doctors back in February of 07, I had some test ran in the early part of the month and had been waiting results. It was on the 22nd of the month that I was sitting at home, when I got a call from my doctor. As Dr. Navi explained to me my medical situation, my heart sank because I was unsure of what would happen next...I was scared and in that moment I could only think to turn to the person I knew would be there for me. I got online to send this person an email to explain to them what was going on, to my surprise an email was from them...however when I read what they had to say, my world in that moment stopped. The email I got was as follows:
"
Johnny,
I need to cut you out of my life completely. I'm done larping, I'll be done with school in Indy in a month and I just need to get past the last year of my life as a whole. I don't want a friendship with you, and I cannot and will not respond to any thing you send me. Please, stop emailing me and trying to communicate with me in any way. I don't want to have to write another email like this. I know you are going through your own stuff right now, and this isn't the best time, but I need to get away from you entirely. "
My heart sank and I began to sob, alone on the floor of my computer room...no one to comfort me in that immediate moment I was completely alone. As time went on this person and I slowly made our way back to each other. I was sick the entire making up period. I remember that I had confessed how sick I was to them in the middle of an Office Depot. I didn't tell them I had been sick since February, I simply stated I was ill and was being treated. Now eight months later I am angry still because the friend I speak of wonders why I don't trust him. When I inform him at one point he did have my complete trust he tells me it never felt like it. The truth is he did, but lost it when he sent that email and left me alone in one of my darkest moments.
Out of all people a stranger was there for me and still is. This person I ran into later that horrible February day at the market. He asked how I was and I broke down in the middle of the shopping isle. Perhaps he could see the fear, panic, sheer terror on my face. More so, I think he could really see the hurt. This person who I was an acquaintance of but for all intent was a stranger to me, was there for me when my friend wasn't, which now I sit angry and unsure of how to say so. My acquaintance took me to appointments, held my hand, held me when I cried, listened, held me..in all they did the things my friend did once I told them how sick I was.
Now granted I could had said something on that day, but really if I had it simply would had looked like a desperate attempt to hold on to a friendship with someone who was so willing and egret to cut me out of their life with no questions asked. I could had said something that day in Office Depot, but I had no real plans to ever tell him I was sick because in some way cutting him from information like that I felt was punishing him...when it did nothing but hurt me more in some ways. I tried to recently tell him over lunch using a "what if" scenario...his response was positive for the most part...but as I started to tell him the fear of him doing something like that me again came over me like a big wave. I went down this road before...and was unsure if I was willing to travel down it again. How do you trust someone who broke your trust so bad? How do you let someone in who was in and destroyed so much most of all how do you ask some one where were they when you needed them the most? And in asking them are you putting something to rest or are you simple cracking the tip of the iceburg? So Kids, I ask..what do I do?