cleaning out the closet...
Today we went and saw the mermaids at Weeki Wachi. It was really cute, in a campy way, and we had fun. Then we went on a boat ride and this HUGE pelican pooped all over this girl, it was hilarious (but I felt bad for her, b/c pelican poop looks like milk, so she couldnt just brush it off).
I think some people feel the need for spring cleaning early, and I have something that's been festering a while. I'd like to get it out in the open, b/c its been festering since I was pregnant (which is when it became most apparent).
I have few friends in my life. I have one friend, and one friend only, that I would expose my soul to. That would be Jessie. Through so much, she has been there for me, even though our friendship started off really crappy, and I admit to not deserving her. I dont deserve such a friend, but every day Im so immensely happy she is in my life. I know that if I need her, she is there, no matter what. She knows the same of me. I can count on her no matter what. She knows everything about me that I would ever feel comfortable sharing with another being. I hope someday if I ever have another baby, that she'll be there for the birth, b/c she's such a rock in a storm. She's my best friend, and aunt to my son.
She happened to come into my life in an unfortunate time, when old friendships were slowly (and painfully) phasing out. I am thankful for that timing, b/c I wouldve lost my mind if not for her.
I am not really a social butterfly. At any one point in time, I have maybe two-three friends I keep close. Mostly because I like to be alone.
When I was pregnant, I wanted my best friend to be there (who at that time was not Jessie, although she was up and coming fast). I will call him J. I wanted him to come see me, to be there for me. I was a young adult facing pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood alone, and I NEEDED someone. He told me, "I can't afford to come see you". I looked into all methods of bringing him to me, and I offered to pay for it, he said, "Not a good time, I can't". Again, I asked him to come see me, and I re-iterated how important it was. He told me again that he could not afford the $60 odd dollars it would take in gas to come see me. THE VERY NEXT WEEK, he came online and told me all about some new clothes he bought, a new cd he bought, a new boyfriend he took to dinner. I felt crushed. It's not like giving birth for me was something that I did all the time. I was creating life, and my best friend could not be bothered.
So I drove, 8 months pregnant and uncomfortable, in a snow storm, to see my family and him. We attended a party together, where Jessie happened to be. He immediately bristled in her presence, and was on the defensive all night. On the drive home, he berated her endlessly, only b/c she was such a good friend to me, and he was jealous.
I tried to tune him out. For xmas I was making him a scrapbook of our friendship. I even put in working little japanese lanterns on the cover. But everytime I thought about how I wasn't important enough to him, how my first born baby wasn't important enough to him, I just dissolved into tears and put it away. I never finished it. I can't. One of these days I supposed I will just burn it.
As my due date approached, I begged him again to come see me. My family could not come, and I wanted someone desperately to come be with me. He told me that again, he could not afford it. I did not offer the last time to pay for his trip, I got the hint at that point.
My baby came (Killian <3), and I was a proud new mom. Never have I accomplished something so grand, or wonderful. I wanted to show him off, I wanted people to see him and tell me he was glorious. I wanted to share my joy with my family and friends. Finally, he wanted to come. But something strange happened.
I didn't want him to.
I suddenly saw him for what and who he was, and I no longer wanted his negativity in my life. I did't want the weekly calls about strange rashes and unprotected sex in bar parking lots. I didn't want to worry anymore about someone who didn't give a shit about themselves or me or anyone else. I didn't want to ever get the inevitable call about postive test results. And I didn't want to cry anymore. This person hurt me, let me down, more than anyone ever had. And yet, I regarded this person as my best friend for many years.
He kept asking me when he could drive down. I told him my apt was too small to have visitors, that he would have to rent a room (knowing he couldnt afford to and so could not come).
Jessie borrowed money from her parents to come see me. I lied to him, and told him she was staying at the hotel, when she actually stayed with me. I had zero guilt.
After a few months, my anger wore off, and we became friends again, although not best friends. I would come to visit Mi, he would make up excuses to not see me. Some of these include,
+ having no money,at which point I offered to buy dinner and gas, so he said...
+ his car had fleas ( everyone that heard this laughed at me for being so gullible)
+ I fell asleep and didnt hear the phone ring, isnt that funny? (yeah...)
This has been bothering me for the past year and a half. Why? Because I guess I couldnt let go of the person I thought was my friend, who turned out to be a lie.
Not anymore.
I think some people feel the need for spring cleaning early, and I have something that's been festering a while. I'd like to get it out in the open, b/c its been festering since I was pregnant (which is when it became most apparent).
I have few friends in my life. I have one friend, and one friend only, that I would expose my soul to. That would be Jessie. Through so much, she has been there for me, even though our friendship started off really crappy, and I admit to not deserving her. I dont deserve such a friend, but every day Im so immensely happy she is in my life. I know that if I need her, she is there, no matter what. She knows the same of me. I can count on her no matter what. She knows everything about me that I would ever feel comfortable sharing with another being. I hope someday if I ever have another baby, that she'll be there for the birth, b/c she's such a rock in a storm. She's my best friend, and aunt to my son.
She happened to come into my life in an unfortunate time, when old friendships were slowly (and painfully) phasing out. I am thankful for that timing, b/c I wouldve lost my mind if not for her.
I am not really a social butterfly. At any one point in time, I have maybe two-three friends I keep close. Mostly because I like to be alone.
When I was pregnant, I wanted my best friend to be there (who at that time was not Jessie, although she was up and coming fast). I will call him J. I wanted him to come see me, to be there for me. I was a young adult facing pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood alone, and I NEEDED someone. He told me, "I can't afford to come see you". I looked into all methods of bringing him to me, and I offered to pay for it, he said, "Not a good time, I can't". Again, I asked him to come see me, and I re-iterated how important it was. He told me again that he could not afford the $60 odd dollars it would take in gas to come see me. THE VERY NEXT WEEK, he came online and told me all about some new clothes he bought, a new cd he bought, a new boyfriend he took to dinner. I felt crushed. It's not like giving birth for me was something that I did all the time. I was creating life, and my best friend could not be bothered.
So I drove, 8 months pregnant and uncomfortable, in a snow storm, to see my family and him. We attended a party together, where Jessie happened to be. He immediately bristled in her presence, and was on the defensive all night. On the drive home, he berated her endlessly, only b/c she was such a good friend to me, and he was jealous.
I tried to tune him out. For xmas I was making him a scrapbook of our friendship. I even put in working little japanese lanterns on the cover. But everytime I thought about how I wasn't important enough to him, how my first born baby wasn't important enough to him, I just dissolved into tears and put it away. I never finished it. I can't. One of these days I supposed I will just burn it.
As my due date approached, I begged him again to come see me. My family could not come, and I wanted someone desperately to come be with me. He told me that again, he could not afford it. I did not offer the last time to pay for his trip, I got the hint at that point.
My baby came (Killian <3), and I was a proud new mom. Never have I accomplished something so grand, or wonderful. I wanted to show him off, I wanted people to see him and tell me he was glorious. I wanted to share my joy with my family and friends. Finally, he wanted to come. But something strange happened.
I didn't want him to.
I suddenly saw him for what and who he was, and I no longer wanted his negativity in my life. I did't want the weekly calls about strange rashes and unprotected sex in bar parking lots. I didn't want to worry anymore about someone who didn't give a shit about themselves or me or anyone else. I didn't want to ever get the inevitable call about postive test results. And I didn't want to cry anymore. This person hurt me, let me down, more than anyone ever had. And yet, I regarded this person as my best friend for many years.
He kept asking me when he could drive down. I told him my apt was too small to have visitors, that he would have to rent a room (knowing he couldnt afford to and so could not come).
Jessie borrowed money from her parents to come see me. I lied to him, and told him she was staying at the hotel, when she actually stayed with me. I had zero guilt.
After a few months, my anger wore off, and we became friends again, although not best friends. I would come to visit Mi, he would make up excuses to not see me. Some of these include,
+ having no money,at which point I offered to buy dinner and gas, so he said...
+ his car had fleas ( everyone that heard this laughed at me for being so gullible)
+ I fell asleep and didnt hear the phone ring, isnt that funny? (yeah...)
This has been bothering me for the past year and a half. Why? Because I guess I couldnt let go of the person I thought was my friend, who turned out to be a lie.
Not anymore.