Jadeite is a boy
A/N: This is a story I wrote when I was thinking about joining the Shitennou forum ficathlon. In the end, I didn't join, but wrote down the idea anyway, and included it in 'Borrowed', a R/J story where it sat fine, but didn't really belong, so I'm now posting it separately here.
About the format: I kind of like the wall of text effect, but if it's bothering you, please tell me and I space out the lines more.
Warning: Kunzite is going to be a bastard. If you've seen PGSM, this might not surprise you ;D If you haven't seen PGSM, I should explain a bit, because the story deals with some topics that are PGSM-exclusive.
What you should know:
One of the most stomach-turning evil things that the Dark Kingdom did in PGSM was Kunzite capturing Ami and making her his personal property and fighting machine which he set up against Sailor Moon to the point of almost breaking her (or them both). The series makes it very clear how much this upsets her friends, and they fight long and hard and finally can free her.
The other thing that you need to know is how young Jadeite is in PGSM. Although he has the position of an adult warrior, and the actor was 17 year old, he behaves like a much younger and more immature person. Not to mention they gave him hair that no one over four has ever sported, but that's a different rant (barely holding back though, arrgh).
So one day, we had a little discussion on tumblr about kids fighting evil in a coming-of-age setting vs. kids being trapped by evil. And that was the last mosaic piece that I needed to start writing this.
Ami, Kunzite, Jadeite
post-PGSM
angst, drama
Warnings: a bit darker than PGSM
Summary:
"I don't expect you to forgive me, Mercury. I don't deserve it. But neither do you deserve forgiveness."
She wants to talk to me.
She asks me to meet her and talk about "our time".
She says her name is Mizuno Ami now. I'm not to call her Mercury any more.
I tell you a little secret, little senshi: I know very well who you are. I know Mizuno Ami better than she knows herself.
Don't give me that rational look. Don't give me sensible.
You don't want to meet me because it's the sensible thing to do.
Because you should stay the hell away from me, little one.
And you know it.
***
"You don't have to do that, Ami-chan."
Usagi took her best friend's hand and squeezed it.
"But I want to," said Ami. "I need this chapter in my life to be finished."
"Is it because of Nephrite?" asked Usagi.
Ami hesitated, and then nodded. "Before I can see him, I want to let Kunzite know that he can't interfer with my life anymore. It's just a feeling, but..."
"I can tell him that, too, Ami-chan. He listens to me when I talk to him."
Ami shook her head. "Thank you, Usagi, but this is something that only I can do. If I send you, he'll think I'm afraid of him. "
Usagi gave her a very worried look. "And... you're certain you're not afraid?"
Ami tried a little smile. "Maybe a little bit. But not enough to stop me. Besides... isn't Kunzite good now? Everyone says how much he has changed without Dark Energy. He won't attack me, I'm certain."
"No, he won't, but still..."
***
Ami spotted Kunzite easily from a long distance. He sat at a table in the sun, wearing a yellow shirt that failed to make him look casual, and had his hair tied back in a ponytail in his neck. He looked just the right kind of awkward to turn heads. She approached him without hesitating, and sat with him at the table, murmuring a greeting that wasn't returned. He just took a sip of coffee from his cup and shot her a glance over the rim of the cup that waked all her danger instincts.
Ami had had to promise Usagi to be extra careful, and she was nervous enough that she would have been anyway. She had chosen a public place to meet Kunzite. A busy cafe where the buzz of conversations would drown their words.
Neutral ground, and surrounded by people.
And still, his first words were:
"You shouldn't have come. You're not safe around me."
Kunzite had said it calmly, but Ami could still read him well enough to know he wasn't calm at all.
"This is not the Dark Kingdom," she said firmly. She was not going to show fear.
Kunzite smiled.
"It doesn't make a difference. The Dark Kingdom doesn't put anything into you that wasn't already there. It only uses what is inside you. I'm still the same person than I was. And so are you."
Ami thought about how to answer this one without responding to the insult.
"I don't remember much about that time," she said. "So I don't know if that's true."
He smirked. Her calm reaction pleased him. Ami was glad to see him relax in his chair somewhat.
"So, what did you want to meet me for?" he asked.
Ami felt like she had passed some kind of test.
"We should stop avoiding each other, Kunzite. We should close that chapter of the past. And for that, we need to talk."
"Talk?"
"Yes, Kunzite. That's how it works."
Kunzite thought that one over, his eyes never leaving her face.
Ami could almost hear him think. He didn't like it.
Then he spoke up.
"I have a question for you, girl. If you want us to talk, let's talk about this. There's something that got me wondering about you, you know."
"And what is that?"
"Did you ever look at Jadeite?"
"That is your question?"
She never had expected something like this. Did he want to side-track her?
"Yes, Mercury. That is my question. Did you ever have a really good, close look at him? Any of you noble senshi? Ever?"
"Why is that so important?" she asked, no, demanded to know. "And my name is Ami Mizuno."
She wouldn't show any fear or weakness in front of him. She wouldn't play the shy little girl that he had chosen for his attack.
Kunzite drilled a long, cold stare into her. Ami realized this wasn't a game, or a trick question.
Kunzite took himself time to respond. But then, finally, he said: "What a waste, such a quick brain and it runs empty. What a fool I am to think I taught you better."
She didn't move a muscle in her face, but ouch, that one was low, even for Kunzite. She still didn't have a clue what he was talking about, and that was humiliating. Had it always been like this? Had he always been able to sweep away her confidence just like that?
"Kunzite, I haven't come to hear insults," she said, calmly. "I haven't come as an enemy, or to stir up trouble. I only want to talk to you. If you have something to say, please go ahead. I'm going to listen."
"No, Mercury," he said. "I'm going to listen. I asked you a question. One single question, the only question I'll ever ask you, and it wasn't very difficult. If it's not asked too much, I'd like to hear your answer."
Ami heard the hidden warning well enough. She raked her brain to come up with the answer that could satisfy him. Ami's memories of the Dark Kingdom might be blocked, but she instantly recognized every tiny move of his head. That little tilt was familiar. He was waiting.
But what for?
What was it about Jadeite that she needed to know? Had something happened between her and Jadeite while she had been in the Dark Kingdom? He did avoid her these days. But he avoided everyone these days. She hadn't seen a lot of him when he had been evil either. So what was it that Kunzite wanted to hear? Was he thinking she should be interested in him?
'Did you ever look at Jadeite?' What was so obvious about him that one look was enough to detect? Jadeite was... lots of things, blond, tall, thin, grumpy, fast... what about this was so important?
What kind of a question was that anyway, Did-you-ever? A yes-or-no-question? Or not a question at all?
Ami pressed her lips together. She didn't have the answer. Once again, she felt small and vulnerable besides him. He had closed her big mouth well, hadn't he? Maybe she only imagined it, but she had a feeling he was enjoying this.
Maybe that was the answer. He wanted her to humiliate herself in front of him by admitting she was too stupid to answer a very simple question. And she would have no other choice than to do that, if she wanted to make him talk to her. He had been very clear about this.
What now? Tell him to stop playing games and leave, with her cheeks burning from shame? Or give in to him and feel used?
"No," she said. "The answer is no. I have never had a closer look at Jadeite."
Kunzite sneered. "I knew you would say that," he said coldly. "You'd hardly admit to the horrible alternative. It's so much easier if you can tell yourself you didn't know what you were doing, isn't it?"
Ami tried to breathe normal.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
Kunzite looked at her.
"I'll make this easier for you, Mercury," he said. "There is an answer to every question you might have. There is a simple explanation for everything that made you come here today. The reason why you have no real answer to my question is the answer to all your questions."
He paused, simply staring at her, until Ami swallowed her pride and asked, quieter than she had wanted to: "Would you... please explain...?"
Oh no, she sounded like the lost little girl again that had become his prey.
She hated herself for it, but Kunzite was pleased. He leaned back in his chair, folded his arms over his chest and his gaze softened.
"I had several good looks at Jadeite over the years," he said. "When I look at my memories of Jadeite, I see a boy who smiled and laughed, all the time. We trained him well, and hard, because we knew we needed him to be as tough as possible once the war would start. Don't think we weren't aware how young he was, but we had a demon banging on our doors, and sacrificing Jadeite's childhood for it didn't seem too bad, because there is no childhood where demons are anyway. But Jadeite never lost his ability to find amusement in the simplest, silliest things. He never lost his innocence.
I can still see it, even if he hasn't been like this for a long time now. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't blame you for not seeing it. But there is one thing, one thing that is so over obvious that I will never believe, no matter what you say, that you haven't been able to notice it."
He's calling me a liar, thought Ami and somehow, this was much worse than feeling stupid, or timid.
"And that is...?"
"That is the fact that Jadeite is a boy."
***
That comment stopped all of Ami's self-accusations, and she stared at Kunzite in surprise. That was the point of 'the only question I will ever ask you'?
"A boy, Mercury, not a man. He's like you are. Exactly like you, Mercury, or any of your friends. A guardian who got sucked into duty too early. It never occured to you how young he is? Really?
Mercury, when you were captured, I've seen the princess become upset over your sad fate, I've seen her desperately fight to free you from the tight hold of the Dark Kingdom. And I must say she deserved to suffer, just like you did. Because in all that time, none of you has ever lifted a finger to help Jadeite. You are five girls, and two cats. Everyone almost lost it when poor little Ami-chan had to endure the Darkness. But noone ever cared for a boy who had to endure the same? And worse?
Forget about Zoisite and me, we're big boys, we dealt with it. I don't hold it against you that you didn't waste you efforts on us. Although, you were quick enough to offer Nephrite help when he needed it. You sealed his fate by it, but you were no doubt aware that his time had run out anyway.
But why not help Jadeite, not at all, not even a bit?
I tried, Mercury. I really tried. I would have given my life if it had freed Jadeite. I collected energy to bring him back from crystal form, I brought him before the princess so he could be showered in the Silver Crystal's energy. I had seriously hoped that by then, your friends would have gotten some thought processes in gear, or at least finally when the Master protected the boy with his life. Seriously, what else could we have done to write it out in big flashing letters: 'Take the boy, damnit!' He would have been the most valuable ally you could ever have. Not to mention that Queen Beryl wouldn't have had the chance to send Jadeite after the Master with life draining stones or swords.
Do you think the Dark Kingdom was merciful with him, when you witnessed Beryl forcing him to hold his blade against his own throat, watching Nephrite die? Do you think he didn't have to suffer like you did, only a lot longer?
Did you know that Jadeite died the slowest and most painful death of us all? Did you know he died on his knees in the Dark Kingdom? All alone with noone else to turn to but her?
I don't expect you to forgive me, Mercury. I don't deserve it. But neither do you deserve forgiveness. You saw what Darkness is. You felt it, you tasted it. You cried for the precious person you didn't get to be any more. But that precious person, when she returned to the light, thought of noone but herself.
You never came back to bail out those who weren't as lucky as you had been. The one who was there and saw Jadeite's life go down the drain, saw him lose everyone and everything that had ever meant anything to him until not even his life remained, was me. Every single one of those memories is like ash in my mouth. That's what makes your days of Darkness so sweet to me, Mercury.
Because I tried. At least, I tried. And at least one of you got a taste of the despair you sentenced an innocent boy to."
There was nothing Ami could answer to that.
She could only stare at him, not quite understanding yet, but deeply humiliated.
When she couldn't bear it any longer, she got up and left, her cheeks burning in shame and confusion.
***
She didn't even pay attention to where she was going, she just needed to walk. She felt empty, she had no idea how to react to this.
A guy who had been walking next to her in a crowded street for a few minutes suddenly spoke up.
"I wouldn't have let you, you know."
It was only by his voice that she recognized Jadeite. Surprised, she turned around and stared at him. She had never seen his human form before. She saw a boy in a formal navy blue suit with a red tie, his hands in his pockets. He had fluffy brown hair, and dark eyes. Only around his mouth something reminded her of Jadeite. He looked serious, not a face that smiled much.
"What?" asked Ami confused.
He didn't look at her, but walked slower when she got slower, casually keeping pace with her.
"I wouldn't have let you take me away from my Queen," said Jadeite. "You wouldn't have been able to turn me against her. I would have fought you every living second."
"But..." Ami didn't know how to say it. "But Kunzite is right, we should have tried."
"No." Jadeite walked faster, and now it was Ami who had to keep pace. "You shouldn't have tried. This was my path, and I needed to walk it to the end."
"Kunzite said you lost everything."
"Mm, that's okay..." said Jadeite. "It had to be this way. The Master once had turned duty into betrayal and death. He had set us on the path to Darkness. And where he sends me, I go. And I'm not doing half-ass jobs."
"Jadeite..." was all Ami could say to that. She wanted to say how sad this was, how wrong, how she wished it had be different.
"See, that's the difference between Kunzite and me," continued Jadeite. "Kunzite will never accept defeat. Never. Don't try to make him. It killed him to see he couldn't stop me from embracing the Darkness. Now he wants to lay the blame on you. That's silly. Never been your job to babysit the Shitennou. I wanted this, I wanted this life, and this death, and this Queen."
He lost everything... everyone... he died on his knees...
"It must have been so hard for you there," she tried and hoped her voice was loud enough to carry over to him. "And it's not easy to come to terms with it afterwards. I know what it's like..."
Jadeite only sneered at her.
"Spare me your pity, Merc. Killed my prince, killed my leader, haunted my best friends to their deaths, and would have been ever so happy to spend the rest of my life pouring my soul into Darkness, and pushing it if it didn't go fast enough."
"Jadeite!"
"Evil to the end, Merc, and loving it. You still hate it as much as you used to do, eh?"
"I... I did?"
Jadeite grinned.
"You so did. I was everything you didn't allow yourself to be. You were in it for the fun, for being a bitch day and night. It was so much fun to toy with Kunzite and refuse him, wasn't it? But deep down inside, you knew you were like me, you wanted to be taken and destroyed and escape a destiny that would have sacficed your life for nothing."
"That's a lie!"
"You loved it to have Kunzite's attention day and night, you craved it. You clawed at him at every possible occasion, provoking his reactions, and nothing about it has changed."
"Everything has changed!"
"Yeah, right. That's why you ran to him as soon as you had something going on that would annoy him."
"No!"
"You wanted him then, and you still want him now."
"No! No I don't!"
"Then why don't you leave him the hell alone?" snapped Jadeite. "Why look at him with these puppy dog eyes and wave for his attention? I tell you something, Merc, if this makes him come after you, I'm going to stand by and applaude. I hope this time, the one who gets messed up for it will be you."
"Jadeite!"
"I'm so sick of your games, Mercury. If you mess this up, you're going to hell!" he hissed between clenched teeth, and with one sideway step vanished into the crowd.