Blinking cursors and death mock us all
I've received a message recently that I should write, that I hadn't done so in a while and that it would help what I'm going through.
I've developed a fear of death that I've never really had before.
My Grandma passed away in January and probably two months later, just driving home with Paul, it just hit me hard that one day, I'll be dead too. And I became instantly scared and it hasn't fully left me yet.
I no longer have a strong belief system so I'm worried about an After, about what it entails.
I have to believe there's SOMETHING. Both for my own sanity to carry me through to the end, and because there's just SO MUCH unexplained spiritual things that everyone who experiences them can't be making it up or be hallucinating. There has to be someone or something.
But then sometimes I wonder what the point is. If we're going to die and go to an unsure fate, why put up with things? Also, what do I personally have to live for? I have no great things slated for me. What am I here for? To collect Ponies? To see how Night Vale will end? To watch stupid TV shows and movies? I've got very little going on in my life. I don't think I'm meant for very much else. I have little drive to change things, and my situation is stagnant.
I do have friends I care deeply about. I do love my boyfriend, Paul. I still care for Steve. I love my Brony friends and Granpa (even though I don't call him often, which is something I regret still about Granma).
I wonder about reincarnation and a next life. I'll probably not remember this one, as I don't have any conscious memories of any previous ones. And if somehow, there's nothing, well, then I won't be conscious of it so I won't know the difference either way.
I wonder if we create the afterlife with our energies while living. I wonder if atheists are people who lived so many lifetimes they're prepared to go into oblivion or meld with a greater being and not come back. I wonder if conservatives are people who get to the afterlife and realize how horrible they were, then go into their next life as someone they oppressed as penance and for clarity.
This is something I need to get over, as there is no cure for death. I'm going to die someday. We all are. I wonder if I'll be the first friend that dies. What would everyone say?
I'm not obese (I don't think), but I am overweight. As much as I'd love to be pretty and slim and healthy and live long, I want to eat way too much. I'm out of work today because I have stomach issues from a food I love that I apparently don't react to very well.
I once found a Sylvia Browne book years ago on the afterlife. Like, LITERALLY found it on the street. At the time I read it and cried and took it as a sign I'd be okay. Then I started to find out the falseness of many of her other aspects a few months later.
The thing is, a friend told me not to take stock in such books recently, but right after told me two elements that I recall reading in the book. So if anything, she may have had a gift and it became corrupted through her attempts to monetize it. Or a lucky guess.
I'm trying my best to just ride through with this. Its greatly confusing to me, and scarey. I guess all we can do is live in the moment and try to be decent people while we're here.
I swear I'm going to start writing more. You all still need to know about Paul and how I've been after breaking up with Steve.
See you soon. <3
I've developed a fear of death that I've never really had before.
My Grandma passed away in January and probably two months later, just driving home with Paul, it just hit me hard that one day, I'll be dead too. And I became instantly scared and it hasn't fully left me yet.
I no longer have a strong belief system so I'm worried about an After, about what it entails.
I have to believe there's SOMETHING. Both for my own sanity to carry me through to the end, and because there's just SO MUCH unexplained spiritual things that everyone who experiences them can't be making it up or be hallucinating. There has to be someone or something.
But then sometimes I wonder what the point is. If we're going to die and go to an unsure fate, why put up with things? Also, what do I personally have to live for? I have no great things slated for me. What am I here for? To collect Ponies? To see how Night Vale will end? To watch stupid TV shows and movies? I've got very little going on in my life. I don't think I'm meant for very much else. I have little drive to change things, and my situation is stagnant.
I do have friends I care deeply about. I do love my boyfriend, Paul. I still care for Steve. I love my Brony friends and Granpa (even though I don't call him often, which is something I regret still about Granma).
I wonder about reincarnation and a next life. I'll probably not remember this one, as I don't have any conscious memories of any previous ones. And if somehow, there's nothing, well, then I won't be conscious of it so I won't know the difference either way.
I wonder if we create the afterlife with our energies while living. I wonder if atheists are people who lived so many lifetimes they're prepared to go into oblivion or meld with a greater being and not come back. I wonder if conservatives are people who get to the afterlife and realize how horrible they were, then go into their next life as someone they oppressed as penance and for clarity.
This is something I need to get over, as there is no cure for death. I'm going to die someday. We all are. I wonder if I'll be the first friend that dies. What would everyone say?
I'm not obese (I don't think), but I am overweight. As much as I'd love to be pretty and slim and healthy and live long, I want to eat way too much. I'm out of work today because I have stomach issues from a food I love that I apparently don't react to very well.
I once found a Sylvia Browne book years ago on the afterlife. Like, LITERALLY found it on the street. At the time I read it and cried and took it as a sign I'd be okay. Then I started to find out the falseness of many of her other aspects a few months later.
The thing is, a friend told me not to take stock in such books recently, but right after told me two elements that I recall reading in the book. So if anything, she may have had a gift and it became corrupted through her attempts to monetize it. Or a lucky guess.
I'm trying my best to just ride through with this. Its greatly confusing to me, and scarey. I guess all we can do is live in the moment and try to be decent people while we're here.
I swear I'm going to start writing more. You all still need to know about Paul and how I've been after breaking up with Steve.
See you soon. <3