it's finally happened... someone has pissed me off so fucking badly, that i'm abandoning this journal. i will start a new one... i'll let people know
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My main instinct here is to respond with more venom and spit than before but it's not what I mean to do...ever.
FOr me, it comes down to this: I don't KNOW you. I have no clue who you are or what you are about anymore and any implication that I DO is purely a knee-jerk response because I was hurt and then exiled.
I just want to know what's going on and why things have been like this. You couldn't explain it to me because you've refused to have any contact with me for months now...and under false pretenses at that. When I finally got fet up and was sneaky about it, I was hoping to gain a little leverage with the obviousness of my desperation...instead you expressed anger at the fact you had been tricked. Since then, i've minded my p's and q's waiting for you to take a deep breath and give me the chance to learn what's happened, but instead, you're, well, you're not happy...with me anyway (more specifically my reactions and behavior).
The finger-pointing is over, the blame game is over, etc. The guilt-tripping is done...with the exception of my last few knee-jerk reactions, it's done. And for my part, I too, could explain that brief lash-out...but I'm willing to listen to you first.
I say all this is not because of you're "I'm taking my things and going elsewhere because I don't like you anymore" attitude. I've sat here watching peacefully for months now and let you be. You've known that, and you've watched me too...thru my journal and thru Erwin and Cam, and others. So, where as you can check up on me, I am not afforded any such luxury...and that's not fair...
Naturally, when I saw that post on the 9th, I was outraged. How could you even say such a thing if you didn't want me to see it? And why would you mention it if you knew it was such a big deal? And then to say what you did? Look at if from my point of veiw and tell me it wasn't a little inappropriate for a public post. If you were going to go as far as you did, you could have done it a million other ways. My journal, txt msg, e-mail, phone call, b-day card, anything. But if it crossed your mind enough to post about, why did you stop there? On the other hand, after it occured to me that what you did was your way of doing what I asked for...and really, probably more than I deserved...but I digress...it was too late when I realized the merit of your action and I could not undo the post I had made. The Anonymous post was me, no doubt, but I wanted to take it back...cause after it came to me, I didn't mean any of it...I was wrong.
What do I hope to gain from this? A chance, a moment, a conversation, a letter, something that puts the past at ease more than this. I have so many questions for you...Why not answer a few here and there and move forward knowing that you have one fewer enemiy and one more friend...not to mention a love-interest from another time and another place that doesn't think something awful of you for no good reason...wouldn't you like that? I know I would.
So I hope as you look back one final time, you see this and it makes you think...and maybe you'll say ANYTHING to put this behind us in a fashion other than personal exile on my part.
I wouldn't say all this if I didn't mean it and promise to behave myself in word and deed...besides, what's to lose other than 30 min of you time?
FOr me, it comes down to this: I don't KNOW you. I have no clue who you are or what you are about anymore and any implication that I DO is purely a knee-jerk response because I was hurt and then exiled.
I just want to know what's going on and why things have been like this. You couldn't explain it to me because you've refused to have any contact with me for months now...and under false pretenses at that.
When I finally got fet up and was sneaky about it, I was hoping to gain a little leverage with the obviousness of my desperation...instead you expressed anger at the fact you had been tricked. Since then, i've minded my p's and q's waiting for you to take a deep breath and give me the chance to learn what's happened, but instead, you're, well, you're not happy...with me anyway (more specifically my reactions and behavior).
The finger-pointing is over, the blame game is over, etc. The guilt-tripping is done...with the exception of my last few knee-jerk reactions, it's done. And for my part, I too, could explain that brief lash-out...but I'm willing to listen to you first.
I say all this is not because of you're "I'm taking my things and going elsewhere because I don't like you anymore" attitude. I've sat here watching peacefully for months now and let you be. You've known that, and you've watched me too...thru my journal and thru Erwin and Cam, and others. So, where as you can check up on me, I am not afforded any such luxury...and that's not fair...
Naturally, when I saw that post on the 9th, I was outraged. How could you even say such a thing if you didn't want me to see it? And why would you mention it if you knew it was such a big deal? And then to say what you did? Look at if from my point of veiw and tell me it wasn't a little inappropriate for a public post. If you were going to go as far as you did, you could have done it a million other ways. My journal, txt msg, e-mail, phone call, b-day card, anything. But if it crossed your mind enough to post about, why did you stop there?
On the other hand, after it occured to me that what you did was your way of doing what I asked for...and really, probably more than I deserved...but I digress...it was too late when I realized the merit of your action and I could not undo the post I had made. The Anonymous post was me, no doubt, but I wanted to take it back...cause after it came to me, I didn't mean any of it...I was wrong.
What do I hope to gain from this? A chance, a moment, a conversation, a letter, something that puts the past at ease more than this. I have so many questions for you...Why not answer a few here and there and move forward knowing that you have one fewer enemiy and one more friend...not to mention a love-interest from another time and another place that doesn't think something awful of you for no good reason...wouldn't you like that? I know I would.
So I hope as you look back one final time, you see this and it makes you think...and maybe you'll say ANYTHING to put this behind us in a fashion other than personal exile on my part.
I wouldn't say all this if I didn't mean it and promise to behave myself in word and deed...besides, what's to lose other than 30 min of you time?
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