yeah...
well... this has been an emotionally draining day...
have you ever had to try really really hard to like someone? even though you know you just should... that's what sucks about emotional response, it's involuntary...
so i take willie to work this morning, and there's a strange truck in the driveway next door. we notice, but don't really think much about it, strange people sleep (or don't sleep) over there all the time. i drop him off, and i'm driving back, and my phone rings... i can't reach it, so i wait til i get home, and it's the number for next door. long story short, it was willie's sister, calling from jake's room to ask if she could come hang out and if i would make her some coffee so she could drive back to trenton today.
quick recap... jake left me for this girl. not so they could be together, but just because he's still in love with her. and jake's moving to california in a week and half. apparently, somewhere between her, and the stuff with willie and i, he decided to leave this section of the country.
so she was down here, 'telling him goodbye', whatever the hell that means. she comes over (he does not)... and we talk & listen to music until i have to go to work... and something occurs to me. i'm jealous of this girl. and i have absolutely no reason to be. i don't dislike her at all, but i am truly jealous of her. she makes me nervous. and i am jealous to the point that it makes me uncomfortable when she's alone with willie.
AND THEN I REALIZE HOW INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP THAT IS!!!
of course, i have no reason to be uncomfortable... it's all in my subconcious somewhere... renee grasping for imaginary territory. and on the surface, again, i'm trying really hard to like this girl. the whole thing is stupid.
i go to get willie for lunch... and i tell him about all of it (which she stopped by to see him on her way out of town)... and HE GETS PISSED. not like angry pissed... like depressed 'why the hell don't you like my sister' pissed... so now i'm really confused, cause i expected him to laugh about it. so i go into all of it, about how i'm trying really hard, and i've been really nice to her, despite my unconcious emotional response (which i absolutely can not help)... and he just stays bummed out. and then he says 'well, you get mad at me when i react to something like that emotionally... so i dig a little bit and i figure out what he's talking about... AND IT"S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
a couple of weeks ago, i found james online... i was talking to him. willie was at work, and i told him over the phone what i was doing. he broke down... hated it. asked me to stop. i couldn't understand it... he was honestly hurt.
but i don't see how these things relate at all... i understand that he responded emotionally the way i did this morning... but i did nothing to offend him or her in any way. as uncomfortable as i was... i made her coffee, i burned her cds... i talked to her about all sorts of stuff... and i was never rude. ever.
ohhh... and THEN... he pops off with this 'james is this... and james is that...' and i very curtly told him that i was VERY aware of who james was and what he was capable of... that NO ONE needed to tell me about james. and i came back to work.
'are you mad at ME now?'
'yes'
'why? because i insulted james...?'
'no... because nobody has to tell me how it fucking is. i've been there. i've seen it.'
silence...
i stopped to tell him i love him... 'i love you... '
'what, like james?'
i attempted to kick him and missed. i was laughing though... because he really has no fucking clue... some of you who have known me for a long time know how it was... you know the roads i have walked. you know how fucked up a lot of this has been. you know... because i know... some things hurt worse than death. and love, is most certainly one of them...
i'm tired... i want to go home. i want willie to be happy when i get there... i want maccaroni and cheese for dinner. and that... is all that i want right now...
have you ever had to try really really hard to like someone? even though you know you just should... that's what sucks about emotional response, it's involuntary...
so i take willie to work this morning, and there's a strange truck in the driveway next door. we notice, but don't really think much about it, strange people sleep (or don't sleep) over there all the time. i drop him off, and i'm driving back, and my phone rings... i can't reach it, so i wait til i get home, and it's the number for next door. long story short, it was willie's sister, calling from jake's room to ask if she could come hang out and if i would make her some coffee so she could drive back to trenton today.
quick recap... jake left me for this girl. not so they could be together, but just because he's still in love with her. and jake's moving to california in a week and half. apparently, somewhere between her, and the stuff with willie and i, he decided to leave this section of the country.
so she was down here, 'telling him goodbye', whatever the hell that means. she comes over (he does not)... and we talk & listen to music until i have to go to work... and something occurs to me. i'm jealous of this girl. and i have absolutely no reason to be. i don't dislike her at all, but i am truly jealous of her. she makes me nervous. and i am jealous to the point that it makes me uncomfortable when she's alone with willie.
AND THEN I REALIZE HOW INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP THAT IS!!!
of course, i have no reason to be uncomfortable... it's all in my subconcious somewhere... renee grasping for imaginary territory. and on the surface, again, i'm trying really hard to like this girl. the whole thing is stupid.
i go to get willie for lunch... and i tell him about all of it (which she stopped by to see him on her way out of town)... and HE GETS PISSED. not like angry pissed... like depressed 'why the hell don't you like my sister' pissed... so now i'm really confused, cause i expected him to laugh about it. so i go into all of it, about how i'm trying really hard, and i've been really nice to her, despite my unconcious emotional response (which i absolutely can not help)... and he just stays bummed out. and then he says 'well, you get mad at me when i react to something like that emotionally... so i dig a little bit and i figure out what he's talking about... AND IT"S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
a couple of weeks ago, i found james online... i was talking to him. willie was at work, and i told him over the phone what i was doing. he broke down... hated it. asked me to stop. i couldn't understand it... he was honestly hurt.
but i don't see how these things relate at all... i understand that he responded emotionally the way i did this morning... but i did nothing to offend him or her in any way. as uncomfortable as i was... i made her coffee, i burned her cds... i talked to her about all sorts of stuff... and i was never rude. ever.
ohhh... and THEN... he pops off with this 'james is this... and james is that...' and i very curtly told him that i was VERY aware of who james was and what he was capable of... that NO ONE needed to tell me about james. and i came back to work.
'are you mad at ME now?'
'yes'
'why? because i insulted james...?'
'no... because nobody has to tell me how it fucking is. i've been there. i've seen it.'
silence...
i stopped to tell him i love him... 'i love you... '
'what, like james?'
i attempted to kick him and missed. i was laughing though... because he really has no fucking clue... some of you who have known me for a long time know how it was... you know the roads i have walked. you know how fucked up a lot of this has been. you know... because i know... some things hurt worse than death. and love, is most certainly one of them...
i'm tired... i want to go home. i want willie to be happy when i get there... i want maccaroni and cheese for dinner. and that... is all that i want right now...