Words can only go so far to express how one feels
New boss, want to blowtorch her cunt and drop kick her in the face. Not even joking. So over her. She thinks that she can come in and tell us that we are filthy because we are boys. Bull shit. This is house is far cleaner than it was when I started. She can suck my dick.
JH got fitted for a new chair today. They used some really cool technology. He sat on a metallic putty and they pushed it up into his back and took a molding of his body and then used a magnetic stylus and rubbed it all over the mold and it sent the data to a computer to make a custom molding pattern. Pretty nifty.
I am just at a loss for words about this new QDDP. I just hate her with a firey passion. Idk.
I am really nervous about this weekend. We are going up to STL for my Mom's surprise 50th birthday party. Which I should still probably pick her up something for gift wise. Andy, Dad, and I are going in on a Kindle fire for her. Well, come to think of it, I bought it and they are supposed to be paying me back for it....but the problem being...I have transitioned and haven't really told anyone from my old life, because I don't care and I don't ever see them. But they are all going to be in town for this party. At my parents house. Calling me by my old name. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle it. And I am pretty sure my grandmother knows. And I just don't know how to start that conversation. I am going to re go over my resources, but I still don't know what to even say. I am just so nervous that she will never talk to me again or that she is going to keel over of a heart attack on the spot or that she will start crying. I hate it when they cry. Why must they be sad. It is a happy thing for me. I have finally figured out who I am, and for the first time in my life I am happy, well sort of. On an overall level of "going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge" to "Not completely drowning, surviving and semi thriving and doing ok...I think" I feel like from where I was 5 years ago I have come quite a long way. I don't think about hurting myself or hurling myself off a bridge, or at least not every day. I hate when they cry, because they aren't ever tears of happiness in that I have finally found myself and that they are happy that I am FINALLY happy, or at least on my way to becoming happy and ok with my own body. I am just over telling people and I have had so many bad reactions from family members that I just don't want to come out to anyone else. I am tired of being peoples joke and what they talk about at family events. I don't like being in the limelight, especially when it is a green gelled light, my theatre in background can tell me that. I love my grandmother and don't want to hurt her. I know I have already hurt and disappoint my parents, not that I meant to of course, but they had certain expectations when they had a daughter, that I would grow up and marry a man and be a lovely daughter. And I just can't do that. I can't wake up everyday and put on this facade that I am a woman. I know I look the part, but I can't do it. I can barely get through the morning, waking up and coming back to reality of who I am and that this is the body I will have until I can get 6 grand or get someone to loan me 6 grand. Which is a whole other boat that seems to be sinking. There is no way I would be able to wake up everyday and BE a woman. It makes me nauseous to think about it. And it makes me just as sick if not more to have to come out to more people. I am so tired of the thing itself. I just want to be normal. I would give anything to be normal. I just want to fit in and not have anything wrong with me. I know that there is nothing wrong with me, I know I'm just upset and wishing for something that isn't. Because no one is normal. By defining normal is to define everything else as abnormal and then we get into some flinging of shit and just no...lol. Just having to go and type the word transgender into a search engine to refresh myself of the coming out process so I am prepared to do this makes me want to hurl and use a hot poker to remove my brain. I am just not at all looking forward to this. And I don't even know why I am doing it. I am just so tired of it and don't want to deal with it. But I'm pretty sure she knows. My aunts and my mother all have big mouths, there is no way she doesn't know. And I just hate that I have to be an adult and come out. It sounds terrible, but I was going to let her die and not tell her, but she has faired the storm of life. I just don't want to be rejected, again. I thought that the aunt that would for sure get it, told me that she wouldn't call me by my name and she wouldn't change pronouns and that's really hard. I thought for sure she would get it. And I just, idk. I just feel defeated lately by it. I am this label and I feel like I am stuck and I just want to be normal and accepted for who I am, just like every other person on the earth. We all have weird shit about us. Idk, I just want this weekend to be over, so I can come back to the comfort of Springfield, where only half the people in town know about me. I'm getting redundant and becoming a crazy ranting fool. I think it's time for bed. Maybe the answer will come to me in my dreams.
JH got fitted for a new chair today. They used some really cool technology. He sat on a metallic putty and they pushed it up into his back and took a molding of his body and then used a magnetic stylus and rubbed it all over the mold and it sent the data to a computer to make a custom molding pattern. Pretty nifty.
I am just at a loss for words about this new QDDP. I just hate her with a firey passion. Idk.
I am really nervous about this weekend. We are going up to STL for my Mom's surprise 50th birthday party. Which I should still probably pick her up something for gift wise. Andy, Dad, and I are going in on a Kindle fire for her. Well, come to think of it, I bought it and they are supposed to be paying me back for it....but the problem being...I have transitioned and haven't really told anyone from my old life, because I don't care and I don't ever see them. But they are all going to be in town for this party. At my parents house. Calling me by my old name. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle it. And I am pretty sure my grandmother knows. And I just don't know how to start that conversation. I am going to re go over my resources, but I still don't know what to even say. I am just so nervous that she will never talk to me again or that she is going to keel over of a heart attack on the spot or that she will start crying. I hate it when they cry. Why must they be sad. It is a happy thing for me. I have finally figured out who I am, and for the first time in my life I am happy, well sort of. On an overall level of "going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge" to "Not completely drowning, surviving and semi thriving and doing ok...I think" I feel like from where I was 5 years ago I have come quite a long way. I don't think about hurting myself or hurling myself off a bridge, or at least not every day. I hate when they cry, because they aren't ever tears of happiness in that I have finally found myself and that they are happy that I am FINALLY happy, or at least on my way to becoming happy and ok with my own body. I am just over telling people and I have had so many bad reactions from family members that I just don't want to come out to anyone else. I am tired of being peoples joke and what they talk about at family events. I don't like being in the limelight, especially when it is a green gelled light, my theatre in background can tell me that. I love my grandmother and don't want to hurt her. I know I have already hurt and disappoint my parents, not that I meant to of course, but they had certain expectations when they had a daughter, that I would grow up and marry a man and be a lovely daughter. And I just can't do that. I can't wake up everyday and put on this facade that I am a woman. I know I look the part, but I can't do it. I can barely get through the morning, waking up and coming back to reality of who I am and that this is the body I will have until I can get 6 grand or get someone to loan me 6 grand. Which is a whole other boat that seems to be sinking. There is no way I would be able to wake up everyday and BE a woman. It makes me nauseous to think about it. And it makes me just as sick if not more to have to come out to more people. I am so tired of the thing itself. I just want to be normal. I would give anything to be normal. I just want to fit in and not have anything wrong with me. I know that there is nothing wrong with me, I know I'm just upset and wishing for something that isn't. Because no one is normal. By defining normal is to define everything else as abnormal and then we get into some flinging of shit and just no...lol. Just having to go and type the word transgender into a search engine to refresh myself of the coming out process so I am prepared to do this makes me want to hurl and use a hot poker to remove my brain. I am just not at all looking forward to this. And I don't even know why I am doing it. I am just so tired of it and don't want to deal with it. But I'm pretty sure she knows. My aunts and my mother all have big mouths, there is no way she doesn't know. And I just hate that I have to be an adult and come out. It sounds terrible, but I was going to let her die and not tell her, but she has faired the storm of life. I just don't want to be rejected, again. I thought that the aunt that would for sure get it, told me that she wouldn't call me by my name and she wouldn't change pronouns and that's really hard. I thought for sure she would get it. And I just, idk. I just feel defeated lately by it. I am this label and I feel like I am stuck and I just want to be normal and accepted for who I am, just like every other person on the earth. We all have weird shit about us. Idk, I just want this weekend to be over, so I can come back to the comfort of Springfield, where only half the people in town know about me. I'm getting redundant and becoming a crazy ranting fool. I think it's time for bed. Maybe the answer will come to me in my dreams.