On being Bipolar II
Ever heard of hypomania?
This probably has the best and most comprehensive overview of it in relation to Bipolar I and II disorders. I've been in a hypomanic state since last week. And while it initially sounds like, "well, good, I'll be more productive and creative!" it comes with a side order of "fuck, look at me shake and my heart is pounding." This is what they refer to as dysphoric hypomania, which means that while my energy level is through the roof, it comes with rampant anxiety attacks. The insomnia is awful, and even with Ambien to encourage sleep I don't feel restful. Fortunately, most of my hypomanic states don't manifest this way. It's one of the reasons I went off Lamictal, which is the drug they use to treat Bipolar II. While it did well with depression and regular hypomania, it didn't touch a dysphoric hypomanic state for shit. When I was younger, I lived in a constant hypomanic state, but one with an elevated mood. Most of my adult life, I've only needed 5-6 hours of sleep to feel well-rested. However, with the current phase, even 8 hours isn't enough, if I could get it. Since this one has lasted well past the four day minimum required to diagnose one, I'm debating calling my doctor up. Perhaps I'll just rely more on the left-over Xanax I've got from the last time my hypomania was this agitated, which is like four years ago. Who knows if it will even be effective? I'm always happy for a mildly hypomanic state, but not when it brings agitation and dysphoria with it.
But! It does mean I've been particularly effective this week. Not as much at work as I would like, but still more than I have been in the past few weeks, that's for sure. I'm hoping I can harness it through the rest of the weekend to get ready for Jesse and Jina's visit over Christmas. I still need to clean out the spare bedroom for them and it's not a small job. So, a list sounds like a good thing!
• Tidy up spare bedroom
• Put together Secret Santa package for giftee
• Gluten free pumpkin bread for work potluck on Monday
• Wrap Christmas presents
• All the usual cleaning crap (downstairs bathroom this week, vacuum, litterboxes, etc.)
• Finish up Kirk/Sulu gift exchange fic (threw out 500 words and started over last Wednesday at word wars, much better stuff!)
Getting the picture, yet? It can be a lot of fun to be hypomanic: more social, more outgoing, more creative, more of everything. But when that everything comes with panic attacks, racing heartbeat, blurry vision, insomnia and incipient migraines, it really isn't a lot of fun. It's just something to slog through and outwait, because there's really nothing that will end it; all I can do is deal with the symptoms and be aware of it.
Anyway, back to the grindstone.
This probably has the best and most comprehensive overview of it in relation to Bipolar I and II disorders. I've been in a hypomanic state since last week. And while it initially sounds like, "well, good, I'll be more productive and creative!" it comes with a side order of "fuck, look at me shake and my heart is pounding." This is what they refer to as dysphoric hypomania, which means that while my energy level is through the roof, it comes with rampant anxiety attacks. The insomnia is awful, and even with Ambien to encourage sleep I don't feel restful. Fortunately, most of my hypomanic states don't manifest this way. It's one of the reasons I went off Lamictal, which is the drug they use to treat Bipolar II. While it did well with depression and regular hypomania, it didn't touch a dysphoric hypomanic state for shit. When I was younger, I lived in a constant hypomanic state, but one with an elevated mood. Most of my adult life, I've only needed 5-6 hours of sleep to feel well-rested. However, with the current phase, even 8 hours isn't enough, if I could get it. Since this one has lasted well past the four day minimum required to diagnose one, I'm debating calling my doctor up. Perhaps I'll just rely more on the left-over Xanax I've got from the last time my hypomania was this agitated, which is like four years ago. Who knows if it will even be effective? I'm always happy for a mildly hypomanic state, but not when it brings agitation and dysphoria with it.
But! It does mean I've been particularly effective this week. Not as much at work as I would like, but still more than I have been in the past few weeks, that's for sure. I'm hoping I can harness it through the rest of the weekend to get ready for Jesse and Jina's visit over Christmas. I still need to clean out the spare bedroom for them and it's not a small job. So, a list sounds like a good thing!
• Tidy up spare bedroom
• Put together Secret Santa package for giftee
• Gluten free pumpkin bread for work potluck on Monday
• Wrap Christmas presents
• All the usual cleaning crap (downstairs bathroom this week, vacuum, litterboxes, etc.)
• Finish up Kirk/Sulu gift exchange fic (threw out 500 words and started over last Wednesday at word wars, much better stuff!)
Getting the picture, yet? It can be a lot of fun to be hypomanic: more social, more outgoing, more creative, more of everything. But when that everything comes with panic attacks, racing heartbeat, blurry vision, insomnia and incipient migraines, it really isn't a lot of fun. It's just something to slog through and outwait, because there's really nothing that will end it; all I can do is deal with the symptoms and be aware of it.
Anyway, back to the grindstone.