On Suicide
Ok, this lj is going to start with one of the most cliche lj-angst-post tropes ever. I was watching random music videos online, and stumbled across AFI's Silver and Cold:
And, while some part of me feels so very incredibly emo for this.... I mean, I've heard the song a million times before. But I've never watched the music video before. And for some reason, watching the band realize the lead singer was going to kill himself, and their race to try and save him, it..... it really brought home the time I made that same mad dash, for a 'beautiful one' in my life, for a person whose sins I would take onto my own in a heartbeat, in half a heartbeat, without thought.
(Those who need to know the story, already know, and it's not my intention to make that specific scenario more public, just to share what I learned from it)
My dad's girlfriend's niece successfully killed herself. After it happened, in her grief and non-understanding, dad's girlfriend made some comments that I knew were wrong, but didn't know how to articulate my objections to. She lashed out at the people who commit suicide, saying 1.) that it's a selfish, stupid act and 2.) that the pain is worse for those left behind.
What she didn't realize, and what I want to make clear to everyone else, is the mental state that accompanies suicidal tendencies. It's fairly obvious, even tautological, but folks don't always seem to understand that, with the exception of terminal death-with-dignity cases and the like, suicide is, by definition, mental illness. It's not rational. You're dealing with a human being who has been literally driven mad by whatever pain they're facing. You're dealing with someone who is so far down Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that they're not able to, and can't be expected to, think of other people. They've most likely convinced themselves that everyone else is better off without them, that they're doing everyone a favor, that it's ultimately a selfless act! It's an irrational urge, but it's not stupid, and it makes internal sense.
And, no, it's not "worse" on those left behind, and I say this as someone who's been on both sides of the equation. The mad dash I mentioned earlier..... it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt in ways that I realized today I don't think I've fully quite dealt with. And yet there's no plausible way that my pain that day was worse than theirs, because (again with the tautologies!) it didn't make sense to kill myself to escape that pain. I wasn't driven to that point. Neither was dad's gf over the death of her niece.
I've long been of two minds about the meme that self-harm in general is simply "a cry for attention", and something to be mocked. On the one hand, if it weren't for that meme, I'm convinced I wouldn't be here today. You see, I was suicidal in high school, but I was repulsed by the notion that I'd be laughed off as an attention-seeker. So, I swore that when (not, at the time, if) I killed myself, I'd do it in a decisive and irreversible manner. I wouldn't take pills, or cut my wrists, or anything else that I could reverse in a post-act moment of weakness... I'd slash my throat or stab my heart.
And while it added a whole 'nother level to my self-contempt that I never built up the courage to do that, heh, I'm glad of it today. Because if I'd allowed myself to use "weaker", less painful methods like pills or carbon monoxide or what-have-you.... I'm convinced I'd have done it. Would I have completed the act? I don't know. I'm glad I don't know.
But on the other hand, if I hadn't been self-conscious about "cries for attention", maybe I wouldn't have gotten to that point. If nothing else, I might have been less circumspect in the other, lesser self-harm acts I did, and somebody might have noticed.
I cut myself in high school. I think I got some emotional release from the endorphin rush from the pain, but mostly, I did it to prove I had "worth", I had "pride", I had "strength" by a.) my ability to withstand the pain and b.) my courage in inflicting it on myself. I never had enough of that 'courage' to seriously cause injury to myself, and I lambasted myself FOR that. Instead, I'd do things like cut the soles of my feet before basketball practice or games, so I'd force myself into cleansing suffering despite my 'weakness' in the initial execution. If I hadn't thought others would think me weaker for doing it... who knows? I may even have told someone.
My point in baring my soul like this is not for pity. It's genuinely not for attention. It's because somebody who reads this will probably have somebody in their life be suicidal. Or might be inclined to say the same (ultimately insensitive and flat-out wrong, although I cut her slack in her grief) things my dad's gf said, in the presence of somebody else who has dealt with this.
My point is to argue that suicide is NOT a cry for attention, it's not selfish... it's painful, and it's something to forgive and support and assist with compassion and empathy. If nothing else, I'd like to point out that trying to shame somebody who's already consumed by shame isn't exactly likely to help ANYbody. So.... please don't do it. And I hope, if you don't understand where these urges come from, that my explanation will help you understand.
(For the record, I think I just had a minor depressive episode. It didn't go THAT far into the pit, and I still think that my adolescent conclusions on worth and strength are factually WRONG, but it's easier for me than most times to see the pseudological paths from which I drew this conclusion. At any rate, I think writing this helped. And I'm genuinely looking forward to starting my new life in San Diego on Saturday! Eee! So if this rant makes you worry.... please don't. I'm fine. I'm gonna be fantastic. It's all good.)
Click to viewAnd, while some part of me feels so very incredibly emo for this.... I mean, I've heard the song a million times before. But I've never watched the music video before. And for some reason, watching the band realize the lead singer was going to kill himself, and their race to try and save him, it..... it really brought home the time I made that same mad dash, for a 'beautiful one' in my life, for a person whose sins I would take onto my own in a heartbeat, in half a heartbeat, without thought.
(Those who need to know the story, already know, and it's not my intention to make that specific scenario more public, just to share what I learned from it)
My dad's girlfriend's niece successfully killed herself. After it happened, in her grief and non-understanding, dad's girlfriend made some comments that I knew were wrong, but didn't know how to articulate my objections to. She lashed out at the people who commit suicide, saying 1.) that it's a selfish, stupid act and 2.) that the pain is worse for those left behind.
What she didn't realize, and what I want to make clear to everyone else, is the mental state that accompanies suicidal tendencies. It's fairly obvious, even tautological, but folks don't always seem to understand that, with the exception of terminal death-with-dignity cases and the like, suicide is, by definition, mental illness. It's not rational. You're dealing with a human being who has been literally driven mad by whatever pain they're facing. You're dealing with someone who is so far down Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that they're not able to, and can't be expected to, think of other people. They've most likely convinced themselves that everyone else is better off without them, that they're doing everyone a favor, that it's ultimately a selfless act! It's an irrational urge, but it's not stupid, and it makes internal sense.
And, no, it's not "worse" on those left behind, and I say this as someone who's been on both sides of the equation. The mad dash I mentioned earlier..... it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt in ways that I realized today I don't think I've fully quite dealt with. And yet there's no plausible way that my pain that day was worse than theirs, because (again with the tautologies!) it didn't make sense to kill myself to escape that pain. I wasn't driven to that point. Neither was dad's gf over the death of her niece.
I've long been of two minds about the meme that self-harm in general is simply "a cry for attention", and something to be mocked. On the one hand, if it weren't for that meme, I'm convinced I wouldn't be here today. You see, I was suicidal in high school, but I was repulsed by the notion that I'd be laughed off as an attention-seeker. So, I swore that when (not, at the time, if) I killed myself, I'd do it in a decisive and irreversible manner. I wouldn't take pills, or cut my wrists, or anything else that I could reverse in a post-act moment of weakness... I'd slash my throat or stab my heart.
And while it added a whole 'nother level to my self-contempt that I never built up the courage to do that, heh, I'm glad of it today. Because if I'd allowed myself to use "weaker", less painful methods like pills or carbon monoxide or what-have-you.... I'm convinced I'd have done it. Would I have completed the act? I don't know. I'm glad I don't know.
But on the other hand, if I hadn't been self-conscious about "cries for attention", maybe I wouldn't have gotten to that point. If nothing else, I might have been less circumspect in the other, lesser self-harm acts I did, and somebody might have noticed.
I cut myself in high school. I think I got some emotional release from the endorphin rush from the pain, but mostly, I did it to prove I had "worth", I had "pride", I had "strength" by a.) my ability to withstand the pain and b.) my courage in inflicting it on myself. I never had enough of that 'courage' to seriously cause injury to myself, and I lambasted myself FOR that. Instead, I'd do things like cut the soles of my feet before basketball practice or games, so I'd force myself into cleansing suffering despite my 'weakness' in the initial execution. If I hadn't thought others would think me weaker for doing it... who knows? I may even have told someone.
My point in baring my soul like this is not for pity. It's genuinely not for attention. It's because somebody who reads this will probably have somebody in their life be suicidal. Or might be inclined to say the same (ultimately insensitive and flat-out wrong, although I cut her slack in her grief) things my dad's gf said, in the presence of somebody else who has dealt with this.
My point is to argue that suicide is NOT a cry for attention, it's not selfish... it's painful, and it's something to forgive and support and assist with compassion and empathy. If nothing else, I'd like to point out that trying to shame somebody who's already consumed by shame isn't exactly likely to help ANYbody. So.... please don't do it. And I hope, if you don't understand where these urges come from, that my explanation will help you understand.
(For the record, I think I just had a minor depressive episode. It didn't go THAT far into the pit, and I still think that my adolescent conclusions on worth and strength are factually WRONG, but it's easier for me than most times to see the pseudological paths from which I drew this conclusion. At any rate, I think writing this helped. And I'm genuinely looking forward to starting my new life in San Diego on Saturday! Eee! So if this rant makes you worry.... please don't. I'm fine. I'm gonna be fantastic. It's all good.)