A student's thrilling life - Part 5 FINALE [mini-series]
Dear Yunho,
It’s been 5 days since that certain icident. 5 days of you only occasionally dropping by in that old home of ours. 5 days since I broke that promise of ‘exclusive’ and exactly 120hours since you’ve been gone.
It was meant to happen. Did you ever think this relationship could work out? Did you really believe in forever with me?
I don’t believe you.
You knew as well as I did how badly we were doomed. I admit not deserving you, though. You are one of the good ones, innocently throwing your all at somebody else, because you’re still unscarred, still believing, putting your trust so faithfully in other human beings.
I am not.
You know me inside and out, I never kept any secrets from you, simply because I don’t believe in them. You were my brother, my roommate, best friend and we fell in all of these roles so naturally - how could I blame you for thinking ‘boyfriends’ would be just as easy?
A huge part of this mess was my fault, I know. You made me curious and I was always one to follow my drives and needs. I wanted to test the water without checking how deep they really were, free-falling and not bothering where I landed. I am that sensation-seeking, borderline selfdestructive idiot you see in all those movies and read about in all those books. The one who lives in the fast lane, surrounded by many, always on the run, never alone, let alone thoughtful - this pathetic little character that always ends with nothing in the end. No life, no love, no substance. I guess I am okay with that. I appear to be destined for that. There was a time when I was different, innocent and believing, a time when I still tried to find someone to love and love me in return. Somehow, I lost that ‘me’ along the way.
But you are different. You are that well mannered, serious type that will easily succeed in life. When we first met - were you shocked? Taken aback?
I know you were raised to be a good boy, an obedient child and hard working student and I was everything else. I represented that prototype of student life books and movies and stories had created in your mind, right? Something that you felt drawn to, that you felt the need to experience yourself to make proper use of all the experiences life offered to shape your character. Right?
I still can’t help the smile that steals itself on my lips when I think about that determined innocence you possess. Don’t let anybody destroy that, ever. Okay? Especially not me!
How could you ever choose me, out of all your possibilities? Maybe that was just another one of those tasks noted down on the imaginary checklist of life - fall in love have a crush on the bad kid and get your heart broken.
I’m sorry for that. I realize now, I hurt you deeper than I ever thought, more than I could ever bear and I hate myself for that. Not that this makes you feel any better (you won’t ever read it anyway) but it is the truth. I was selfish and wanted everything without giving anything in return. I couldn’t even... I really like you, Yunho. I felt bad everytime I pushed you away and I tried to make up for it. Did you notice?
But I did it out of the wrong reasons. This relationship thing was something new, something I never tried (at least not with another man), so why not give it a try? And I was greedy - greedy for your touch, your sex, your warmth, your comfort, things you were offering so unconditionally and all it took me was making us exclusive (that’s what I thought at last).
It sounded like an easy task. I was addicted to all the things you were doing to me and I could do with you. Sex between two men is wild and rough and oh so different. And when I’d eventually grow tired of it, I’ll just break it off with you - you were never supposed to stay with the bad ass college guy anyway. I still think you’ll find yourself a pretty little wife, who bears you the perfect children and fits into this perfect world you are a part of.
I didn’t love you. And I’m sorry for making you believe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After writing down the last sentence, JaeJoong heaved a deep sigh and closed the notebook. It wasn’t a diary he was scribbling his thoughts into - he wasn’t a little teenage girl! - but a mere notebook in which he sometimes wrote his mind and sometimes (mostly) letters that others would never receive. A strange little habit and he didn’t take it too seriously. It wasn’t for his daily experiences or weekly summaries, but whenever he wanted to express thoughts he couldn’t quite speak out loud, it came in handy.
Still lost in his little confession, he didn’t notice anything until Yunho was entering the kitchen and stood right in front of him.
“Yunho...”
The younger didn’t react at all.
“Yunho... there were some calls for you, one was from your Mom. She couldn’t reach you on your cell and I couldn’t either, so she told me to tell you to call her back! That was two days ago, but I didn’t know where to reach you, so...”
“Alright, I’ll call her!” Yunho still didn’t bother to even look at him. “So, won’t you tell me where you’re staying at right now? Just in case someone will call again for you...” Yunho sighed and finally turned to face JaeJoong. “I’m staying at KyungMi’s place at the moment. We have to finish a project and we decided it’ll be better if we could work on it whenever inspiration and time hits us.”
Jae turned his gaze away from the younger and nodded. The thought of Yunho staying at the cute girl’s place, spending so much time together (we, we...) somehow irritated him.
“Well then, I’ll just write down the messages and you can read them whenever you’re free again. It wouldn’t take the two of you forever, right? I’ll just tell the callers you’re busy and then-“ - “Jae, I’m moving out.”
The older student looked up into Yunho’s eyes again, confusion and shock written all over his face. “B-but... you don’t need to...”
Yunho sat down across from JaeJoong, eyes again avoiding the pretty man and a frown marring his handsome face. “I can’t stay here any longer, Jae. I just can’t. I think it’s better to finally get away from this whole mess.”
He got up and took the bag he put on the kitchen counter earlier. “I’ll pick up my stuff within the next weeks. And I’ll stay and KyungMi’s until I’ve found something new, so if there’s some urgent call, you can call her and pass the message.”
While speaking, the tall boy scribbled down a number and placed the note on their pinboard, before he left the apartment without another word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 days quickly turned into a full week and the week into two. Slowly, almost unnoticable, Yunho’s stuff was put into boxes, which eventually disappeared from the flat completely. Whether it was by bad luck or the younger’s intention, but all that happened whenever JaeJoong wasn’t home.
Within these two weeks, the older realized a few things.
At first, it became more and more obvious how silent the apartment really was. Even with the TV turned on, the echoes were dull, creepy in some way and the occasionaly clicks and clacks the old house was providing made it appear like a haunted place at times. Why did he never notice before?
Secondly, he alone wasn’t able to order enough to reach the minimum price their favourite take out places required. Which sucked big times. He needed to eat, didn’t he? That clearly discriminated singles!
Thirdly, without any companion, his smoking pattern worsened. Now that there was nobody to involve him into a talk or anything, JaeJoong covered the boredom with just another cigarette. And if that wasn’t bad for his health, well, his wallet wasn’t all too pleased with this development.
The next thing the student realized was how boring his other friends really were. Seriously, going to some place around 10pm, getting drunk and jumping between the sheets with whoever was willing? And that at least 4 times a week? He was extremely lucky he never forget protection, no matter how drunk (only with Yunho, but that was okay, the other never slept with other people without condoms and with whom else was sex something so passionate anyway and... aish, he wasn’t supposed to think of him now!).
There were so many other activities to do - cinema, bowling, shopping and the list goes on and on. Why didn’t his friends accompany him at those? And why did all of these things suck when done all by himself?
It took him another two days to realize what he really missed was doing these things together with Yunho.
During the first days, JaeJoong declined his friends’ offers to ‘go out and forget about that guy’. Now, they just didn’t call anymore. At all. Nice friends... but who could blame them? That’s what you get for not getting too close. And who needs them, anyway? What he really missed was... Yunho.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JaeJoong had no right to be jealous. And he never was - before. Now, it was the only thing that kept him from being completely empty. Yunho’s things were gone and so was he. He never dropped by anymore, never called or texted. He was with her, all the time, of that JaeJoong was sure - if he’d had a new flat, he would have told his parents and therefore, they wouldn’t still send letters to this address. But those still came, together with concerned calls, constantly reminding the older student of his loss.
He never thought he could be so wrong. So incredibly stupid. How could he ever convince himself that he didn’t have feelings for the other?
It wasn’t that he never realized, Jae concluded in the middle of a Friday night, surrounded by darkness and smoking too much. In fact, none of the things would have happened if he wasn’t slowly becoming aware of his feelings for Yunho. He was afraid, crazily so, because emotions like those - and so intense none the less - were dangerous and always ended with heartbreak and pain. That’s the reason why JaeJoong shied away everytime they came too close or their bond became too comforting and it was also the reason why everytime he did shy away, he tried to make up for it right after. He wanted to make a relationship work without falling too deep. How ridiculous it felt now.
But in the end, forever wasn’t something JaeJoong believed in. Not in general and especially not with Yunho; partly because everyone leaves JaeJoong in the end - that’s what always happened anyway - and partly because Yunho’s whole life was supposed to be like that: picture-perfect. He had the family background, was a great student of business administrations and would have an amazing, high-paid job in the future. Everything he still needed in his life was a wife and kids.
And now, sitting in the unlit kitchen with his last cigarette between shaking fingers and the whole truth exposed to him in all its cruel details, all he wished for was to at least tell the other. Tell him that his love and care wasn’t wasted on the older, that he did something nobody else would be capable of, that he made a stupid boy realize the emptiness of his life and the value of love. But then again, wasn’t that a little bit too clichéd and exaggerated? And too unimportant to call the new girl and let her pass the message?
No matter how he put it, there seemed to be no possibility to get the words out of his system anytime soon. Maybe this was part of his punishment - the greater powers were known to be torturous at times. Grabbing his pack of Malboro in order to distract his thoughts with the addicting mist of another smoke, he was once again reminded about the increase in consume he suffered from now. So, with a groan, he got up, grabbing his jacket and wallet to leave the apartment at 2.15am
The September air was chilly, the light material of the jacket not really protecting his thin body from the aggressive cold. Thank goodness the gas station wasn’t that far away, but then again nothing really was in this area. The inofficial student district, far away from the university, where the rent was cheap and all kinds of entertainment close.
Therefore, it wasn’t that surprising to see another young student inside the small 24/7 store, but still it made Jae’s chest constrict to see the tousled brown hair and the broad shoulders covered by the old, sun-bleached Pacman shirt. The black haired instinctively reached for his silver necklace, some habit he created whenever he felt the need to hang on to something. But it did nothing against the feeling of drowning that washed over him when the taller guy finally paid and turned around, in order to leave.
Say something! the voices in JaeJoong’s head screamed at him but his body wasn’t listening, so he kept on staring into these chocolate coloured eyes, counting the shades and storing them in his memory. There was so much to say, almost too much, but then again how useful were words when all they were confronted with were shattered remains of what could have been.
And before he could really register it, Yunho broke their eye-contact and walked past him, out of the door and into the cool night’s air. It took him a few moments, but Jae eventually found his breath again and proceeded to buy the cigarettes he came for - reasurring the salesman that he was okay at least twice.
Stepping into the cool night felt rather calming, the wind suddenly welcome for it’s helping to calm the student’s rapidly beating heart. JaeJoong took a few deep breaths with his eyes closed, focusing on how his body steadied itself little by little. But when he finally felt calm enough again and opened his eyes, all he saw was the same beloved face that haunted his every thought.
Yunho really stood there, waiting for the older to come out of the shop. After a few moments of looking into JaeJoong’s surprised face, he only shrugged. “Dont know... you looked like you wanted to say something.”
That was true - JaeJoong had a lot of things he wanted the other to know. There were apologies still to make and questions to answer. He had to at least explain everything to the other, whatever that meant. “I-I... yeah, I do want to... I guess I owe you a lot of talking, actually.”
Getting the words out in a coherent form proved to be harder than he thought. Where should he even start?
“I... Yunho, I’m really sorry about everything that happened.” The other only scoffed in reply. “I know, I know, these words are so overused, they sound more insulting than anything else, but it is the truth. I want you to know that I am sorry and I apologize for hurting you - especially because I’ve done it in such a cruel manner. I don’t seek your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it and actually, I’m even a little afraid to explain my actions. I don’t want to find excuses. I’m just an ordinary asshole. But I want you to know that I feel bad and stupid because you are a great person and I just- I’m really sorry.”
Jae stopped himself before rambling on and on. Somehow, this didn’t sound like he had imagined their talk to be, but then again, the older was never good with words when it came to feelings and relationships. Who would have thought? He let his head hang low, unable to look into the other’s eyes. This was so wrong. He shouldn’t be standing here, feeling like shit and desperately trying to say all these things Yunho deserved to hear; they could’ve been here together, cuddling against the cold after a playful argument about whose turn it was to get the cigarettes in the middle of the night. But it was his own fault, he was the only one to blame.
“I... okay. I think I understand what you’re trying to say. But Jae, could you do me one favor?” Yunho looked just as sad as Jaejoong felt and it broke the older’s heart to know he was reponsible for the lack of a smile on his face. So, what else could he do other than to nod his head obediently?
“Why?” Yunho asked, his voice a husky whisper and just one look at his crouched form made clear what exactly the younger wanted to know. Why did JaeJoong betray him? Why did he have to sleep with another man, in their apartment, on their couch? Why did he throw away everything they had? What they could have had?
JaeJoong sighed. He expected the question and still, he didn’t want to answer honestly. It might hurt Yunho more than any kind of white lie... but then again, the younger at least deserved the truth.
“Well... I think the problem lies within me and that’s not some lame excuse or hypocritical attempt on making you feel better, ok? But you know me better than I know myself at times... I’m a fucking insecure little bastard, afraid of commiting myself to anything or anyone. And this also went for you. I convinced myself that I didn’t feel that deeply for you, that you were my best friend, of course, but as a boyfriend nothing more than an experiment, something new and different that I wanted to test out.”
Jae has turned his body away from Yunho when he started to talk, too afraid to confront his friend so directly with those things he know will hurt the other so badly. But now, he had to dare and look over his shoulder, checking if Yunho was still listening, still wanted to listen.
He did.
So, JaeJoong went on. “Anyway, being together with you made me feel funny, unexpectedly strange but not in an unpleasant way. I didn’t want to think of it as something... you know, real, so I was searching for an explanation that would suit me better. You were a man - I never had any sexual interaction with a man before, so I thought ‘That’s it! This is so different because I’ve never done this before. I just fancy gay sex.’
And then, when we were having this argument - I was scared. I was scared of commitment, scared I could really fall in love with you, because in the end, you would leave me anyway, you will find a wife and be the perfect son, husband, father, whatever they’ve ever planned for you. I didn’t want to end up alone and heartbroken. So I went out and hooked up with the first willing guy I found, verifying my own conclusion, that it isn’t you I like so much, but the sex.”
The black haired paused and looked up into the night sky, completely unable now to look at the other. He knew his thoughts and actions were cruel. He rather punished Yunho than fight against his own insecurities.
“I didn’t verify anything. It hurt incredibly to lie there and do that with someone that wasn’t you~ and I never feel like that. Usually I don’t care, even if I was currently dating a particular girl. But that night, I felt dirty and like trash. Everything was so wrong when it was supposed to feel good and pleasurable no matter with whom as long as I wanted it, right? But although my body reacted normally, there was nothing pleasant coming along with it.
Yet, I didn’t realize the reason for that until I saw you standing in that doorframe, looking so crushed and hurt that I felt like suffocating. I really wished I could just die right then and there!”
JaeJoong had to stop and light a cigarette. He needed a small pause to stop the stinging behind his eyes and the trembling of his voice, all caused by the mere memory of that fateful night.
“Because now I know that from the very first day, I slowly fell in love with you, but I promised myself to never be this stupid again. I love you! And look where it got me - all alone in the end.”
Suddenly, everything felt so right again, so warm, so secure... Jae’s eyes shot open when realization hit him. He was in Yunho’s arms, tightly enveloped in reassuring embrace! Finally back to the warmth he missed so much and wanted to get even closer to. He let his body relax again and his face cuddled deeper into the crook of Yunho’s neck, feeling hot puffs of air stroking his ear periodically.
“You are an idiot.” The raspy whisper of Yunho’s voice broke the serenity. “You keep destroying everything you could have and when it finally crumbled down completely, you feel safe enough to confess. That’s the reason why it always ends like that - you make it happen. You want proof that a relationship is impossible for you, because you are too afraid to hope and trust. Stop that and even you could find happiness.“ Yunho chuckled and released Jae from the hug. His face was solemn and calm, no signs of hatred or grudge displayed on it.
“I’ll drop by tomorrow to bring you the keys and sign the papers for my move-out. Try to relax a little and stop worrying so much, okay? See you tomorrow then.” And with an honest smile and a last pat on JaeJoong’s shoulder, Yunho turned to leave into the cold night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning started all gray, rain was falling heavily against the windows accompanied by an uncomfortable chill creeping into the quiet apartment. JaeJoong didn’t actually go to bed after meeting Yunho the night before, heart pounding too torturously against his ribcage to let him drift into sleep, so he decided to stay on the couch, covered by a blanket and a cup of hot coffee between his hands to fight against the cold. The wind outside was howling in a scary manner and the pretty student couldn’t help but being reminded of a trashy 90’s horror movie. What a nice atmosphere for a day like this. At least the weather wasn’t mocking him with sunshine and blue skies the day he’s loosing Yunho for good.
Soft footsteps could be heard outside, just before the entrance door clicked open. The mumbled small talk of two men could be heard while those persons entered the hall and headed to the kitchen. JaeJoong sighed deeply and stood up, forcing himself to meet them in the kitchen. “Good morning, Mr. Cho. Yunho. Can I offer you anything? I just made fresh coffee...”
Smiling widely, their landlord accepted the offer, granting JaeJoong a possibility to avoid the other student in the room. “It is actually quite surprising to see you up and awake at this hour, Jaejoong.” The older man (he must’ve been in his forties) checked his watch. “Wow, it’s only 9:15am. I remember before you moved in here, Yunho, this rascal was never up before noon. The crazy student life... but well, seems like you have been a rather good influence on him. It’s a shame you’re leaving us now... but that’s life, right? Especially at your age, it’s all about development and changes.”
The nice adult presented Yunho with a final, genuine smile as the young student signed the papers that made his disappearance official.
“Well, I’m leaving first then to give you your privacy to say goodbye. Take good care of yourself, Yunho! You have a bright future ahead of you, but always remember where you came from, okay? And whenever you need anything, don’t hesitate to call, yeah?” The two men shared a brief, yet sincere hug. “Goodbye, Cho-shii. Thank you for always taking good care of me and letting me live here.”
And with that, their JaeJoong’s landlord left the apartment. It was quiet once again.
Placing his keys onto the kitchen table, Yunho inhaled deeply. He let his eyes wander through the familiar room, glancing at the well known interior - the solid kitchen table, decorated with only the ashtray and two half empty cups of coffee, on which they had spent countless mornings like this one, chatting the hours away while the outside world was simply of no interest for them. He was going to miss this place, the comforting scent, the worn out coffee machine that never failed to provide them with their beloved caffeine, the red couch… well, maybe it was time to let go. The memories connected to his former favourite piece of furniture reminded him that despite all the nostalgic feelings, he had to let go and leave.
Because what he would miss the most is the one thing he cannot keep. The one reason why he had to leave this home of his.
“Well then… goodbye, JaeJoong.”
It wasn’t until Yunho was already at the door that JaeJoong snapped out of his daze. This might be the last time he was seeing Yunho. This was it, this was the last chance to talk, to beg, to try and make Yunho stay. The older broke into a run and reached out for Yunho, almost missing but finally, he could grab the sleeve of the other’s jacket.
“Don’t go. Stay! Don’t leave me Yun. I can’t bear losing you!” JaeJoong screamed at Yunho’s back in front of him, painfully aware of his begging and how he threw everything away - his pride, his mask of indifference, his coolness. He couldn’t care less.
“JaeJoong…” Yunho started and turned around, reaching for the other’s hand, only to remove the death grip from his jacket. “You know that it isn’t that easy, Jae. What happened was just… too much for me to forget, okay?”
It was true, no one could deny that. “But… Yunho… I know that. I know I did wrong, horribly so and I’m also fully aware of the fact that I don’t deserve a second chance. But that doesn’t keep me from wanting back what we had, what we could have. I want you in my life - in every part of it! And it’s damn fucked up timing that I only realize that now, when I don’t have you anymore. I love you!! Tell me how to do it and I will stop, but as long as I feel like that I’m willing to do everything to get you back!”
Yunho closed his eyes. JaeJoong’s words were desperate and he couldn’t help but believe him. But that didn’t change the past… there was a time when he wanted to hear those words, when he was trying everything to keep JaeJoong happy enough to make him fall in love. But now?
“Jae, please... don’t make that harder than it has to be...” Yunho pleaded. Gosh, he loved this guy in front of him for 3 long years, how was he supposed to act like he didn’t? Still, leaving him and trying to start anew, somewhere else with somebody else was the right decision, wasn’t it? The logical conclusion!
“I can’t. I’m a selfish little brat and as much as I know the saying ‘if you love something, set it free’, I can’t follow that advice! Because I disagree. Because I probably could live without you, but I don’t want to. Never again, Yun. You are my best friend, my brother, the one person I can open up to. I don’t want to lose you.” After finishing his last sentence, JaeJoong lowered his head, shaking it a little before looking back into Yunho’s eyes.
“I know that I just overused the ‘I’s, ‘me’s and ‘my’s in my little speech. But Yunho, if you feel at least a little bit like that for me, too, then maybe we shouldn’t torture ourselves and maybe we should give it another try!”
Yunho didn’t reply anything. For the next minutes, he remained completely silent and still, only his eyes bored deep into JaeJoong’s, sometimes flickering over to other details of the older’s face, but always serious. He was searching, but he wasn’t sure if he would even notice if he would find what he was looking for.
“Are you going to make some big, dramatic pleadge now and I have to follow it blindly? Putting all my faith in you, unconditionally, always hoping that you can handle that new situation? I’m not sure if I can do that, Jae, my strength isn’t endless-“ Yunho was stopped by Jae’s slim finger against his lips.
“I can’t promise anything and I know you cannot either. There is no guarantee... neither that I wouldn’t hurt you again, nor that you wouldn’t leave me because society expects that from you or whatever. There isn’t anything certain, but my feelings for you. Listen, Yunho! I-“ JaeJoong leaned in closer, eyes fixed on the plump lower lip of his ex-boyfriend.
“...love-“ He slowly removed his finger, letting it slide down Yunho’s chin. JaeJoong needed to make sure the other had enough time to stop him.
“...you!”
The kiss was slow and careful, a mere press of warm lips against each other, but it surely was special.
“Damn idiot!” Yunho groaned and pressed JaeJoong closer against his body before deepening the kiss into something less innocent.
But the real meaning of these words were clear to both of them.
“I’ve waited for you to finally give in to me. And I would have probably waited forever.
Everyone is searching for a place
That can heal their sadness and loneliness
So… for you, that place is here
Don’t be afraid, don’t hesitate anymore, because I’ll protect you **
I love you, too.”
~ THE END ~
** lyrics from DBSK - Love in the ice (japanese version)
A/N: IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \(^o^)/ I finished my first chaptered story =D *throws confetti and offers cookies to everybody*
I'm really sorry that this update took me so damn long... but with all the things happening these days, I found it hard to work on YunJae's reunion T_T
Thank you all my lovely readers ♥♥♥ I cannot put in words how much your lovely comments meant to me!!! You were my motivation as much as my inspiration and I hope you all are happy with the way this story ended. Please know that you are loved and appreciated ♥
I love you all!
Saih
It’s been 5 days since that certain icident. 5 days of you only occasionally dropping by in that old home of ours. 5 days since I broke that promise of ‘exclusive’ and exactly 120hours since you’ve been gone.
It was meant to happen. Did you ever think this relationship could work out? Did you really believe in forever with me?
I don’t believe you.
You knew as well as I did how badly we were doomed. I admit not deserving you, though. You are one of the good ones, innocently throwing your all at somebody else, because you’re still unscarred, still believing, putting your trust so faithfully in other human beings.
I am not.
You know me inside and out, I never kept any secrets from you, simply because I don’t believe in them. You were my brother, my roommate, best friend and we fell in all of these roles so naturally - how could I blame you for thinking ‘boyfriends’ would be just as easy?
A huge part of this mess was my fault, I know. You made me curious and I was always one to follow my drives and needs. I wanted to test the water without checking how deep they really were, free-falling and not bothering where I landed. I am that sensation-seeking, borderline selfdestructive idiot you see in all those movies and read about in all those books. The one who lives in the fast lane, surrounded by many, always on the run, never alone, let alone thoughtful - this pathetic little character that always ends with nothing in the end. No life, no love, no substance. I guess I am okay with that. I appear to be destined for that. There was a time when I was different, innocent and believing, a time when I still tried to find someone to love and love me in return. Somehow, I lost that ‘me’ along the way.
But you are different. You are that well mannered, serious type that will easily succeed in life. When we first met - were you shocked? Taken aback?
I know you were raised to be a good boy, an obedient child and hard working student and I was everything else. I represented that prototype of student life books and movies and stories had created in your mind, right? Something that you felt drawn to, that you felt the need to experience yourself to make proper use of all the experiences life offered to shape your character. Right?
I still can’t help the smile that steals itself on my lips when I think about that determined innocence you possess. Don’t let anybody destroy that, ever. Okay? Especially not me!
How could you ever choose me, out of all your possibilities? Maybe that was just another one of those tasks noted down on the imaginary checklist of life - fall in love have a crush on the bad kid and get your heart broken.
I’m sorry for that. I realize now, I hurt you deeper than I ever thought, more than I could ever bear and I hate myself for that. Not that this makes you feel any better (you won’t ever read it anyway) but it is the truth. I was selfish and wanted everything without giving anything in return. I couldn’t even... I really like you, Yunho. I felt bad everytime I pushed you away and I tried to make up for it. Did you notice?
But I did it out of the wrong reasons. This relationship thing was something new, something I never tried (at least not with another man), so why not give it a try? And I was greedy - greedy for your touch, your sex, your warmth, your comfort, things you were offering so unconditionally and all it took me was making us exclusive (that’s what I thought at last).
It sounded like an easy task. I was addicted to all the things you were doing to me and I could do with you. Sex between two men is wild and rough and oh so different. And when I’d eventually grow tired of it, I’ll just break it off with you - you were never supposed to stay with the bad ass college guy anyway. I still think you’ll find yourself a pretty little wife, who bears you the perfect children and fits into this perfect world you are a part of.
I didn’t love you. And I’m sorry for making you believe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After writing down the last sentence, JaeJoong heaved a deep sigh and closed the notebook. It wasn’t a diary he was scribbling his thoughts into - he wasn’t a little teenage girl! - but a mere notebook in which he sometimes wrote his mind and sometimes (mostly) letters that others would never receive. A strange little habit and he didn’t take it too seriously. It wasn’t for his daily experiences or weekly summaries, but whenever he wanted to express thoughts he couldn’t quite speak out loud, it came in handy.
Still lost in his little confession, he didn’t notice anything until Yunho was entering the kitchen and stood right in front of him.
“Yunho...”
The younger didn’t react at all.
“Yunho... there were some calls for you, one was from your Mom. She couldn’t reach you on your cell and I couldn’t either, so she told me to tell you to call her back! That was two days ago, but I didn’t know where to reach you, so...”
“Alright, I’ll call her!” Yunho still didn’t bother to even look at him. “So, won’t you tell me where you’re staying at right now? Just in case someone will call again for you...” Yunho sighed and finally turned to face JaeJoong. “I’m staying at KyungMi’s place at the moment. We have to finish a project and we decided it’ll be better if we could work on it whenever inspiration and time hits us.”
Jae turned his gaze away from the younger and nodded. The thought of Yunho staying at the cute girl’s place, spending so much time together (we, we...) somehow irritated him.
“Well then, I’ll just write down the messages and you can read them whenever you’re free again. It wouldn’t take the two of you forever, right? I’ll just tell the callers you’re busy and then-“ - “Jae, I’m moving out.”
The older student looked up into Yunho’s eyes again, confusion and shock written all over his face. “B-but... you don’t need to...”
Yunho sat down across from JaeJoong, eyes again avoiding the pretty man and a frown marring his handsome face. “I can’t stay here any longer, Jae. I just can’t. I think it’s better to finally get away from this whole mess.”
He got up and took the bag he put on the kitchen counter earlier. “I’ll pick up my stuff within the next weeks. And I’ll stay and KyungMi’s until I’ve found something new, so if there’s some urgent call, you can call her and pass the message.”
While speaking, the tall boy scribbled down a number and placed the note on their pinboard, before he left the apartment without another word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 days quickly turned into a full week and the week into two. Slowly, almost unnoticable, Yunho’s stuff was put into boxes, which eventually disappeared from the flat completely. Whether it was by bad luck or the younger’s intention, but all that happened whenever JaeJoong wasn’t home.
Within these two weeks, the older realized a few things.
At first, it became more and more obvious how silent the apartment really was. Even with the TV turned on, the echoes were dull, creepy in some way and the occasionaly clicks and clacks the old house was providing made it appear like a haunted place at times. Why did he never notice before?
Secondly, he alone wasn’t able to order enough to reach the minimum price their favourite take out places required. Which sucked big times. He needed to eat, didn’t he? That clearly discriminated singles!
Thirdly, without any companion, his smoking pattern worsened. Now that there was nobody to involve him into a talk or anything, JaeJoong covered the boredom with just another cigarette. And if that wasn’t bad for his health, well, his wallet wasn’t all too pleased with this development.
The next thing the student realized was how boring his other friends really were. Seriously, going to some place around 10pm, getting drunk and jumping between the sheets with whoever was willing? And that at least 4 times a week? He was extremely lucky he never forget protection, no matter how drunk (only with Yunho, but that was okay, the other never slept with other people without condoms and with whom else was sex something so passionate anyway and... aish, he wasn’t supposed to think of him now!).
There were so many other activities to do - cinema, bowling, shopping and the list goes on and on. Why didn’t his friends accompany him at those? And why did all of these things suck when done all by himself?
It took him another two days to realize what he really missed was doing these things together with Yunho.
During the first days, JaeJoong declined his friends’ offers to ‘go out and forget about that guy’. Now, they just didn’t call anymore. At all. Nice friends... but who could blame them? That’s what you get for not getting too close. And who needs them, anyway? What he really missed was... Yunho.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JaeJoong had no right to be jealous. And he never was - before. Now, it was the only thing that kept him from being completely empty. Yunho’s things were gone and so was he. He never dropped by anymore, never called or texted. He was with her, all the time, of that JaeJoong was sure - if he’d had a new flat, he would have told his parents and therefore, they wouldn’t still send letters to this address. But those still came, together with concerned calls, constantly reminding the older student of his loss.
He never thought he could be so wrong. So incredibly stupid. How could he ever convince himself that he didn’t have feelings for the other?
It wasn’t that he never realized, Jae concluded in the middle of a Friday night, surrounded by darkness and smoking too much. In fact, none of the things would have happened if he wasn’t slowly becoming aware of his feelings for Yunho. He was afraid, crazily so, because emotions like those - and so intense none the less - were dangerous and always ended with heartbreak and pain. That’s the reason why JaeJoong shied away everytime they came too close or their bond became too comforting and it was also the reason why everytime he did shy away, he tried to make up for it right after. He wanted to make a relationship work without falling too deep. How ridiculous it felt now.
But in the end, forever wasn’t something JaeJoong believed in. Not in general and especially not with Yunho; partly because everyone leaves JaeJoong in the end - that’s what always happened anyway - and partly because Yunho’s whole life was supposed to be like that: picture-perfect. He had the family background, was a great student of business administrations and would have an amazing, high-paid job in the future. Everything he still needed in his life was a wife and kids.
And now, sitting in the unlit kitchen with his last cigarette between shaking fingers and the whole truth exposed to him in all its cruel details, all he wished for was to at least tell the other. Tell him that his love and care wasn’t wasted on the older, that he did something nobody else would be capable of, that he made a stupid boy realize the emptiness of his life and the value of love. But then again, wasn’t that a little bit too clichéd and exaggerated? And too unimportant to call the new girl and let her pass the message?
No matter how he put it, there seemed to be no possibility to get the words out of his system anytime soon. Maybe this was part of his punishment - the greater powers were known to be torturous at times. Grabbing his pack of Malboro in order to distract his thoughts with the addicting mist of another smoke, he was once again reminded about the increase in consume he suffered from now. So, with a groan, he got up, grabbing his jacket and wallet to leave the apartment at 2.15am
The September air was chilly, the light material of the jacket not really protecting his thin body from the aggressive cold. Thank goodness the gas station wasn’t that far away, but then again nothing really was in this area. The inofficial student district, far away from the university, where the rent was cheap and all kinds of entertainment close.
Therefore, it wasn’t that surprising to see another young student inside the small 24/7 store, but still it made Jae’s chest constrict to see the tousled brown hair and the broad shoulders covered by the old, sun-bleached Pacman shirt. The black haired instinctively reached for his silver necklace, some habit he created whenever he felt the need to hang on to something. But it did nothing against the feeling of drowning that washed over him when the taller guy finally paid and turned around, in order to leave.
Say something! the voices in JaeJoong’s head screamed at him but his body wasn’t listening, so he kept on staring into these chocolate coloured eyes, counting the shades and storing them in his memory. There was so much to say, almost too much, but then again how useful were words when all they were confronted with were shattered remains of what could have been.
And before he could really register it, Yunho broke their eye-contact and walked past him, out of the door and into the cool night’s air. It took him a few moments, but Jae eventually found his breath again and proceeded to buy the cigarettes he came for - reasurring the salesman that he was okay at least twice.
Stepping into the cool night felt rather calming, the wind suddenly welcome for it’s helping to calm the student’s rapidly beating heart. JaeJoong took a few deep breaths with his eyes closed, focusing on how his body steadied itself little by little. But when he finally felt calm enough again and opened his eyes, all he saw was the same beloved face that haunted his every thought.
Yunho really stood there, waiting for the older to come out of the shop. After a few moments of looking into JaeJoong’s surprised face, he only shrugged. “Dont know... you looked like you wanted to say something.”
That was true - JaeJoong had a lot of things he wanted the other to know. There were apologies still to make and questions to answer. He had to at least explain everything to the other, whatever that meant. “I-I... yeah, I do want to... I guess I owe you a lot of talking, actually.”
Getting the words out in a coherent form proved to be harder than he thought. Where should he even start?
“I... Yunho, I’m really sorry about everything that happened.” The other only scoffed in reply. “I know, I know, these words are so overused, they sound more insulting than anything else, but it is the truth. I want you to know that I am sorry and I apologize for hurting you - especially because I’ve done it in such a cruel manner. I don’t seek your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it and actually, I’m even a little afraid to explain my actions. I don’t want to find excuses. I’m just an ordinary asshole. But I want you to know that I feel bad and stupid because you are a great person and I just- I’m really sorry.”
Jae stopped himself before rambling on and on. Somehow, this didn’t sound like he had imagined their talk to be, but then again, the older was never good with words when it came to feelings and relationships. Who would have thought? He let his head hang low, unable to look into the other’s eyes. This was so wrong. He shouldn’t be standing here, feeling like shit and desperately trying to say all these things Yunho deserved to hear; they could’ve been here together, cuddling against the cold after a playful argument about whose turn it was to get the cigarettes in the middle of the night. But it was his own fault, he was the only one to blame.
“I... okay. I think I understand what you’re trying to say. But Jae, could you do me one favor?” Yunho looked just as sad as Jaejoong felt and it broke the older’s heart to know he was reponsible for the lack of a smile on his face. So, what else could he do other than to nod his head obediently?
“Why?” Yunho asked, his voice a husky whisper and just one look at his crouched form made clear what exactly the younger wanted to know. Why did JaeJoong betray him? Why did he have to sleep with another man, in their apartment, on their couch? Why did he throw away everything they had? What they could have had?
JaeJoong sighed. He expected the question and still, he didn’t want to answer honestly. It might hurt Yunho more than any kind of white lie... but then again, the younger at least deserved the truth.
“Well... I think the problem lies within me and that’s not some lame excuse or hypocritical attempt on making you feel better, ok? But you know me better than I know myself at times... I’m a fucking insecure little bastard, afraid of commiting myself to anything or anyone. And this also went for you. I convinced myself that I didn’t feel that deeply for you, that you were my best friend, of course, but as a boyfriend nothing more than an experiment, something new and different that I wanted to test out.”
Jae has turned his body away from Yunho when he started to talk, too afraid to confront his friend so directly with those things he know will hurt the other so badly. But now, he had to dare and look over his shoulder, checking if Yunho was still listening, still wanted to listen.
He did.
So, JaeJoong went on. “Anyway, being together with you made me feel funny, unexpectedly strange but not in an unpleasant way. I didn’t want to think of it as something... you know, real, so I was searching for an explanation that would suit me better. You were a man - I never had any sexual interaction with a man before, so I thought ‘That’s it! This is so different because I’ve never done this before. I just fancy gay sex.’
And then, when we were having this argument - I was scared. I was scared of commitment, scared I could really fall in love with you, because in the end, you would leave me anyway, you will find a wife and be the perfect son, husband, father, whatever they’ve ever planned for you. I didn’t want to end up alone and heartbroken. So I went out and hooked up with the first willing guy I found, verifying my own conclusion, that it isn’t you I like so much, but the sex.”
The black haired paused and looked up into the night sky, completely unable now to look at the other. He knew his thoughts and actions were cruel. He rather punished Yunho than fight against his own insecurities.
“I didn’t verify anything. It hurt incredibly to lie there and do that with someone that wasn’t you~ and I never feel like that. Usually I don’t care, even if I was currently dating a particular girl. But that night, I felt dirty and like trash. Everything was so wrong when it was supposed to feel good and pleasurable no matter with whom as long as I wanted it, right? But although my body reacted normally, there was nothing pleasant coming along with it.
Yet, I didn’t realize the reason for that until I saw you standing in that doorframe, looking so crushed and hurt that I felt like suffocating. I really wished I could just die right then and there!”
JaeJoong had to stop and light a cigarette. He needed a small pause to stop the stinging behind his eyes and the trembling of his voice, all caused by the mere memory of that fateful night.
“Because now I know that from the very first day, I slowly fell in love with you, but I promised myself to never be this stupid again. I love you! And look where it got me - all alone in the end.”
Suddenly, everything felt so right again, so warm, so secure... Jae’s eyes shot open when realization hit him. He was in Yunho’s arms, tightly enveloped in reassuring embrace! Finally back to the warmth he missed so much and wanted to get even closer to. He let his body relax again and his face cuddled deeper into the crook of Yunho’s neck, feeling hot puffs of air stroking his ear periodically.
“You are an idiot.” The raspy whisper of Yunho’s voice broke the serenity. “You keep destroying everything you could have and when it finally crumbled down completely, you feel safe enough to confess. That’s the reason why it always ends like that - you make it happen. You want proof that a relationship is impossible for you, because you are too afraid to hope and trust. Stop that and even you could find happiness.“ Yunho chuckled and released Jae from the hug. His face was solemn and calm, no signs of hatred or grudge displayed on it.
“I’ll drop by tomorrow to bring you the keys and sign the papers for my move-out. Try to relax a little and stop worrying so much, okay? See you tomorrow then.” And with an honest smile and a last pat on JaeJoong’s shoulder, Yunho turned to leave into the cold night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning started all gray, rain was falling heavily against the windows accompanied by an uncomfortable chill creeping into the quiet apartment. JaeJoong didn’t actually go to bed after meeting Yunho the night before, heart pounding too torturously against his ribcage to let him drift into sleep, so he decided to stay on the couch, covered by a blanket and a cup of hot coffee between his hands to fight against the cold. The wind outside was howling in a scary manner and the pretty student couldn’t help but being reminded of a trashy 90’s horror movie. What a nice atmosphere for a day like this. At least the weather wasn’t mocking him with sunshine and blue skies the day he’s loosing Yunho for good.
Soft footsteps could be heard outside, just before the entrance door clicked open. The mumbled small talk of two men could be heard while those persons entered the hall and headed to the kitchen. JaeJoong sighed deeply and stood up, forcing himself to meet them in the kitchen. “Good morning, Mr. Cho. Yunho. Can I offer you anything? I just made fresh coffee...”
Smiling widely, their landlord accepted the offer, granting JaeJoong a possibility to avoid the other student in the room. “It is actually quite surprising to see you up and awake at this hour, Jaejoong.” The older man (he must’ve been in his forties) checked his watch. “Wow, it’s only 9:15am. I remember before you moved in here, Yunho, this rascal was never up before noon. The crazy student life... but well, seems like you have been a rather good influence on him. It’s a shame you’re leaving us now... but that’s life, right? Especially at your age, it’s all about development and changes.”
The nice adult presented Yunho with a final, genuine smile as the young student signed the papers that made his disappearance official.
“Well, I’m leaving first then to give you your privacy to say goodbye. Take good care of yourself, Yunho! You have a bright future ahead of you, but always remember where you came from, okay? And whenever you need anything, don’t hesitate to call, yeah?” The two men shared a brief, yet sincere hug. “Goodbye, Cho-shii. Thank you for always taking good care of me and letting me live here.”
And with that, their JaeJoong’s landlord left the apartment. It was quiet once again.
Placing his keys onto the kitchen table, Yunho inhaled deeply. He let his eyes wander through the familiar room, glancing at the well known interior - the solid kitchen table, decorated with only the ashtray and two half empty cups of coffee, on which they had spent countless mornings like this one, chatting the hours away while the outside world was simply of no interest for them. He was going to miss this place, the comforting scent, the worn out coffee machine that never failed to provide them with their beloved caffeine, the red couch… well, maybe it was time to let go. The memories connected to his former favourite piece of furniture reminded him that despite all the nostalgic feelings, he had to let go and leave.
Because what he would miss the most is the one thing he cannot keep. The one reason why he had to leave this home of his.
“Well then… goodbye, JaeJoong.”
It wasn’t until Yunho was already at the door that JaeJoong snapped out of his daze. This might be the last time he was seeing Yunho. This was it, this was the last chance to talk, to beg, to try and make Yunho stay. The older broke into a run and reached out for Yunho, almost missing but finally, he could grab the sleeve of the other’s jacket.
“Don’t go. Stay! Don’t leave me Yun. I can’t bear losing you!” JaeJoong screamed at Yunho’s back in front of him, painfully aware of his begging and how he threw everything away - his pride, his mask of indifference, his coolness. He couldn’t care less.
“JaeJoong…” Yunho started and turned around, reaching for the other’s hand, only to remove the death grip from his jacket. “You know that it isn’t that easy, Jae. What happened was just… too much for me to forget, okay?”
It was true, no one could deny that. “But… Yunho… I know that. I know I did wrong, horribly so and I’m also fully aware of the fact that I don’t deserve a second chance. But that doesn’t keep me from wanting back what we had, what we could have. I want you in my life - in every part of it! And it’s damn fucked up timing that I only realize that now, when I don’t have you anymore. I love you!! Tell me how to do it and I will stop, but as long as I feel like that I’m willing to do everything to get you back!”
Yunho closed his eyes. JaeJoong’s words were desperate and he couldn’t help but believe him. But that didn’t change the past… there was a time when he wanted to hear those words, when he was trying everything to keep JaeJoong happy enough to make him fall in love. But now?
“Jae, please... don’t make that harder than it has to be...” Yunho pleaded. Gosh, he loved this guy in front of him for 3 long years, how was he supposed to act like he didn’t? Still, leaving him and trying to start anew, somewhere else with somebody else was the right decision, wasn’t it? The logical conclusion!
“I can’t. I’m a selfish little brat and as much as I know the saying ‘if you love something, set it free’, I can’t follow that advice! Because I disagree. Because I probably could live without you, but I don’t want to. Never again, Yun. You are my best friend, my brother, the one person I can open up to. I don’t want to lose you.” After finishing his last sentence, JaeJoong lowered his head, shaking it a little before looking back into Yunho’s eyes.
“I know that I just overused the ‘I’s, ‘me’s and ‘my’s in my little speech. But Yunho, if you feel at least a little bit like that for me, too, then maybe we shouldn’t torture ourselves and maybe we should give it another try!”
Yunho didn’t reply anything. For the next minutes, he remained completely silent and still, only his eyes bored deep into JaeJoong’s, sometimes flickering over to other details of the older’s face, but always serious. He was searching, but he wasn’t sure if he would even notice if he would find what he was looking for.
“Are you going to make some big, dramatic pleadge now and I have to follow it blindly? Putting all my faith in you, unconditionally, always hoping that you can handle that new situation? I’m not sure if I can do that, Jae, my strength isn’t endless-“ Yunho was stopped by Jae’s slim finger against his lips.
“I can’t promise anything and I know you cannot either. There is no guarantee... neither that I wouldn’t hurt you again, nor that you wouldn’t leave me because society expects that from you or whatever. There isn’t anything certain, but my feelings for you. Listen, Yunho! I-“ JaeJoong leaned in closer, eyes fixed on the plump lower lip of his ex-boyfriend.
“...love-“ He slowly removed his finger, letting it slide down Yunho’s chin. JaeJoong needed to make sure the other had enough time to stop him.
“...you!”
The kiss was slow and careful, a mere press of warm lips against each other, but it surely was special.
“Damn idiot!” Yunho groaned and pressed JaeJoong closer against his body before deepening the kiss into something less innocent.
But the real meaning of these words were clear to both of them.
“I’ve waited for you to finally give in to me. And I would have probably waited forever.
Everyone is searching for a place
That can heal their sadness and loneliness
So… for you, that place is here
Don’t be afraid, don’t hesitate anymore, because I’ll protect you **
I love you, too.”
~ THE END ~
** lyrics from DBSK - Love in the ice (japanese version)
A/N: IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \(^o^)/ I finished my first chaptered story =D *throws confetti and offers cookies to everybody*
I'm really sorry that this update took me so damn long... but with all the things happening these days, I found it hard to work on YunJae's reunion T_T
Thank you all my lovely readers ♥♥♥ I cannot put in words how much your lovely comments meant to me!!! You were my motivation as much as my inspiration and I hope you all are happy with the way this story ended. Please know that you are loved and appreciated ♥
I love you all!
Saih