Someday I'll Fly Away

[boblemon]

YAY!!!

Title: Someday I'll Fly Away
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Sho/Ohno
Genre: romance, drama, angst?
Disclaimer: I guess Johnny’s technically owns Arashi, huh? Not me.
Summary: After not hearing from Sho for thirteen years, Ohno faces the choice of giving up on his only love, or continuing to believe.
Note: For the AIN'T NO 山 HIGH ENOUGH contest at oretachinosong. Originally posted here.

“Satoshi-kun!”

Ohno looked up from where he had been seated on a park bench and immediately broke out into a smile.

“Sho-kun!”

Unaffected by the open environment and other people occupying the area, the two boys hugged tightly, and Ohno felt Sho drop his head onto his shoulder as he gasped out, “I missed you so much!”

“It’s only been a few weeks!” Ohno chuckled light-heartedly, his cheeks and nose numbed by the crisp air of late winter, and he pulled back to make sure Sho was wearing enough gear, as he seemed to be rather forgetful about things like that. At least he was wearing a decent jacket today, although his ears were bright red and voice obviously affected by the weather, becoming raspy and much lower than usual. He wished he would wear a scarf around too, but no matter how many times he would remind him, Sho always seemed to forget.

“I hope you studied enough because I don’t think I can go through that again!” Sho laughed despite his words, then pulled Ohno into one more brief hug before grabbing his hand and leading him towards the park exit, and to a nearby coffee shop no doubt, where it was warmer and Sho could indulge in all the hot cocoa he could handle (which was quite a bit).

“I studied… a lot,” Ohno managed to get out through his own enthusiasm at seeing his close friend again, although he himself had been trying to tone down their time apart just a moment ago. But Ohno had figured out over the course of his relationship with Sho that he just didn’t have the attention span to study seriously while the two of them were in the same room together, whether Sho was helping him or not, so they had agreed to stay apart until today, the weekend after the worst of Ohno’s tests were over with. Sho went to a different school, so Ohno didn’t even know if he was taking tests now or not, but Sho was smart enough and never seemed to study at all while he was with Ohno (although he could always answer with ease the questions thrown at him) so he wasn’t worried in the slightest about it.

“I’m sure you did great,” Sho shrugged, and as expected, pulled Ohno across the street to the café they often frequented, sniffing once and wiping his nose with his free hand. “It felt weird not seeing you for so long. I didn’t realize we’d been spending every day together,” Sho changed the subject enthusiastically and glanced at Ohno once with a bright smile that couldn’t help but be returned.

And Ohno blushed too, although it probably wasn’t apparent over the flush that was already brightening his face because of the cold.

“Mom said the same thing. She said she missed her other son,” he replied shyly and watched the blissful expression on Sho’s face become more distinct.

Sho opened the door as they walked into the shop together, and finally dropped hands so that they could begin removing their winter layers, and took up residence at their favorite table in the corner, where they would often attempt to study after school together, or just give up and chat for hours.

Ohno watched from the table as Sho stood at the bar counter to make their order and wait for the drinks to be made, realizing, after this short absence, how fortunate he was to have met Sho. It had been a little over a year ago and completely by accident, the two of them shoved together on a train, causing Ohno’s bag to spill all over the floor. Between the two of them and a little help from strangers they had gotten it all back, and Sho, already watching him with interest, has struck up a conversation about Ohno’s school (which was obvious via his uniform). Sho was attending a similar high school across town, so far that Ohno had never ventured near it for anything, but for some reason didn’t mind always coming to Ohno’s neighborhood to meet or stay over at his house. His family life was a mystery, but somehow Ohno had never given it much thought. Sho didn’t ever talk about it, and so Ohno felt like, if Sho didn’t want to talk about it then he didn’t have much interest in it himself.

Within a few minutes Sho was making his way back to the table with two cups of steaming cocoa and a plate of donuts and Ohno knew it was already paid for because Sho never let him pay for anything, even when he insisted, and that was too much effort so he rarely did. They were set down gingerly and then Sho’s bright eyes were back on him, sparkling with delight and energy.

“So which tests were the hardest?” The topic was generic, but Sho liked to talk about school, at least Ohno’s school (he said that his own was boring, since Ohno wasn’t there), and he didn’t mind since Sho liked to talk about it.

“I haven’t finished them all yet, but…” Ohno reiterated his last week of school for his eager listener, then promised that he would study very hard for his last test on Monday, as long as Sho didn’t distract him too much before then. Although they hadn’t made definite plans for the day, they usually ended up back at Ohno’s house, either because of Ohno’s curfew, or because his mother wanted him home for dinner, or they simply ran out of other things to do, and so they no doubt would today as well.

But sometimes bringing Sho over was dangerous, and not only because Ohno couldn’t focus on anything else but his friend whenever they were together. They were more-than-friends, really --although they had never discussed any relationship details, everything had still sort of fallen into place naturally-- so sometimes there would be kissing and sometimes more-than-kissing, things that any 17 year old boy naturally wants to do with the person that they more-than-like.

Ohno wondered if Sho knew he was so incredibly handsome and charming, and how popular he was at school (even if that didn’t matter because it was obvious who he spent the most time with), and if they would really be able to make their dream of living together in college come true. Sho wanted to become a lawyer (“Don’t you find laws fascinating, Satoshi-kun? Humans keeping humans in balance, and lawyers are like the defenders of justice! How the system works!”), and Ohno was considering a fine arts field, although he hadn’t decided yet. He knew that he didn’t necessarily need a degree for that, but if he didn’t get a degree, living with Sho would be nearly impossible and that was something he didn’t like to think about. He didn’t care how far he had to commute, or how much he had to argue with his mother, it was currently his only goal in life, and most likely the only serious one he had ever come up with.

As Sho took the first sip of his still steaming cocoa he locked eyes with Ohno and grinned. They had been silent after Ohno had finished his sparse update on testing and he wasn’t even going to bother asking Sho because he knew the answer would be curt and uninformative. Overall Ohno wasn’t really a person who talked a lot, but for unknown reasons, while he was with Sho he spoke a lot more than he even did with his own mother… but even then there were still a lot of breaks in conversation, although at this point most of those had been filled with watching each other shyly (or in Sho’s case, not so shyly) and stolen touches.

“You know Satoshi-kun…” Sho’s lips were twitching like he was trying not to smirk.

Ohno watched him, only cupping his hands around his own mug to warm his fingers, but suddenly curious about his friend’s change in attitude. “Hmm?” he prompted when there wasn’t a continuation.

Sho placed the cocoa back on the table before leaning forward as far as he could, motioning for Ohno to do so as well, as if they were going to share a secret.

When their faces were just about an inch apart, Sho smiled again and whispered, “Just like I thought, I really am in love with Satoshi-kun.”

Before Ohno could gasp and blush brightly, as his initial reaction would have prompted him to, Sho followed up with a quick peck to the lips then finally returned to his seat, leaving Ohno to flounder, looking around the café to see if anyone had witnessed the display of affection and trying to avoid looking at the source of his erratic heartbeat.

“Don’t do that!” he chided bashfully. “Someone could’ve seen!”

“I don’t care,” Sho whispered back mischievously. “I couldn’t wait any longer!”

He slid his hand across the table and took one of Ohno’s freezing ones in his own, intertwining their fingers and staring at his friend with overflowing affection.

“I’m so happy I was able to meet you, Satoshi-kun…”

Despite still being flustered about the public kiss and feeling like he was going to overheat any second, Ohno managed to get back in a soft, self conscious voice, “Me too, Sho-kun… Me too.”

They sipped at their drinks a while longer with their hands still held across the table and a cheerful glow in the air, but in time Sho suddenly jumped and pulled out a phone from his pocket, a model that Ohno had never seen before and certainly not one that Sho had used until now. The screen was flashing and Sho looked like he had just been threatened with his life. Or Ohno’s.

“Sorry Satoshi-“ he gasped out, avoiding looking directly as his friend and pulling back his hand to shrug on his jacket. “I promise I’ll be right back!” he said seriously and rushed towards the front door of the cafe, turning back only once to finally meet Ohno’s eyes, in order to convey some silent meaning even though Ohno wasn’t sure what that was.

He distractedly turned and started running down the street opposite from the park, and it was the last Ohno saw of him.

13 years later, November

He fumbled for his key in the cold in front of his apartment, his breath making clouds of white every few seconds, and finally managed to unlock the door. It was almost midnight, but that wasn’t anything new for him or any decent lawyer really, and it wasn’t like he had anything to come back to anyway. His apartment served only as his bed and a place to hide when he didn’t have work, which currently ran the same odds as him winning the lottery.

Finally freed from the frigid cold outside, he let out a deep sigh despite his apartment being only a few degrees warmer, and set his briefcase down by the door before slipping off his shoes and shuffling into the living area.

Dumping the mail he had been carrying onto the low table there (nothing important-that all went to the office), he immediately walked into the kitchen, trying to sooth his rumbling stomach but also completely too tired to cook anything. Not that he had anything anyway.

In the end his choice was between no dinner and instant ramen, and he figured that he had skipped too many meals this month already, so at least extra fat and too many calories were better than nothing at this point. He boiled some water and moved to the couch, not caring at all about eating in his regular suit or spilling on something. After working his job for the last five years he had built up more money than he knew what to do with, not interested in shopping or anything that actually required money, usually leaving it to his secretary, a rather enthusiastic man called Aiba who had more than enough interest and energy to do anything that was required of him for his job. So at this point, a trip to the dry cleaners warranted the same effort as changing into sweats right now.

On the couch he watched the news for a bit, not surprised at all when his own face appeared on the screen for a short story about the case he just finished up last week, one that he had been called a ‘guardian angel’ for, as the whole situation had seemed hopeless from the start. But a key piece of evidence had just fallen into his lap and he had managed to create a case around it despite many complications, and had finally won the judge over.

There was a temptation to simply fall asleep in the position he found himself in when he was done with the ramen, although he knew he would be sore and cold in the morning and his suit overly wrinkled, but the more drawing option was a hot shower, which is what he decided to go with. No time for a bath, but he would be clean and might possibly be able to relax and consider the next three cases he had on his agenda, one of which seemed just as impossible as his last one.

Before he had even loosened his tie, though, his cell phone rang and he sighed, but relaxed a little when he saw who it was from.

“Hi mom. Isn’t it pretty late for you to be calling?”

“Satoshi! I wasn’t sure whether you would answer or not dear.”

“Is everything okay?” He didn’t talk to his mother much these days, although it wasn’t exactly rare either. She would call to encourage him when she heard about one of his cases, or to inform him when anything note worthy happened within the family.

“Of course, honey. It’s just that… this afternoon I talked with that nice boy at the office-“ Aiba, of course, since he was the only one there, and fit the description of ‘nice’ perfectly, “and he said that you were so busy recently, so I didn’t want to bother you while you were working.”

“That’s kind of you, mom, but you don’t have to stay up so late for me. I’ll take your call at the office, or you could just leave a message next time.”

“Oh, we don’t talk as it is, Satoshi. I couldn’t bring myself to leave it at a message.”

He paused before replying, never really able to deny his mother even though he wasn’t a child anymore. “Yes, mom.”

“Anyway, I was calling because something came in the mail for you today, honey. There’s no return address, though, so I don’t know who it’s from.” He had thought for sure it had been about the news story and probably some praise at being called an angel, although Ohno fell quite far from that, so he was just a little surprised to hear something else, and shrugged unconsciously.

“Throw it away. There shouldn’t be anything sent to your house any more. I made sure of it,” he replied automatically. He still got a few cards from family here and there, but he had no childhood friends to speak of, and when anyone contacted him anymore it was either by computer or through his office. He had gone through almost painful lengths to make sure his mother wasn’t bothered by his choice of career.

“But dear, it looks so nice! You should at least open it,” she urged and Ohno mentally sighed.

“Fine. I’ll have Aiba come over tomorrow to pick it up.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll make a nice lunch for the two of you, then. And some curry for you to take home. Have you been eating properly?”

Ohno spent another twenty minutes trying to convince his mother of his good health, then distracting her by talking about a case, to which she could only reply to with words of encouragement. They said goodbye and Ohno was almost glad for the call despite the late hour, since it had been a while, and a little homemade food sounded like it would hit the spot perfectly after completing such a hard case.

Finally he was able to take a shower and went directly to bed afterwards, not at all concerned about how he would look in the morning, although his pitch black hair almost always fell into place with little more than brushing anyway.

But he couldn’t sleep.

What was he doing with his life? he thought.

Here he was almost 30 years old, still pining after a love that had ended in his adolescence, not married, not even dating, suck in a profession that he had never once considered for himself but that had somehow fit him exactly… But that didn’t mean that he liked it, only that every day he went into that office, saw his name in shining letters and his degree hanging on the wall, he thought of Sho, that he remembered that last day that they had had together and how deeply and naively he had been in love.

He wasn’t sure whether he driven by a need to reminisce, or warning himself against something like that happening ever again, but essentially both ends were met by the same means and so he had been stuck in this perpetual routine since he had graduated from the college Sho had chosen, although he had barely gotten in in the first place. With his life the way it was, it was impossible to move on, and Ohno wasn’t sure he had wanted to. Sho hadn’t only been the sole person he’d ever loved, but also his best friend, the only meaningful relationship that he had created throughout his school years. Even in college Ohno found himself falling back into his usual introversion, becoming almost worse than he had been before Sho, unable to talk with his classmates or do anything but continue to study his way through life, and unluckily enough his chosen field encouraged that sort of thing.

He hadn’t given up on trying to find Sho, though. Of course he had attempted to call and look around for him once he had never showed up again after that day, tried to find his house or school-which he discovered Sho had never attended-and used any resources at his disposal. But even after his increased lawyer network it seemed as though Sakurai Sho, the person that Ohno had fallen in love with so deeply that he would never recover from their separation…had never existed.

He had never officially given up, but he was tired of it now. Tired of every thought being of Sho and what had happened that day to make him leave, and whether he had been genuine with Ohno or not.

It didn’t matter, he told himself. The result was the same no matter what, and that was the most important thing, as all his laywering classes had taught him.

He was still alone.

The next day

“Wow! You’re mom is an awesome cook!” Aiba gushed over a mouth full of fried chicken from the bentos he had returned with after his mid-morning trip to his mother house. They had taken a lunch break upon his return, and Ohno completely shared the sediment. He didn’t eat as over-exaggerated as his secretary did, but he was sure the enthusiasm was the same. “And she gave me an entire pot of curry to give to you, Oh-chan! Can I please take some home with me? Please? Please?” he begged, although he wasn’t even finished with the meal before him. “Just one bite!”

Ohno laughed at the childish attitude, proud of the fact that he could still do so after the bitter years. In fact, it was probably solely thanks to his friendship with Aiba that something so light hearted was still possible.

“Don’t worry, I’ll split it with you. But you have to get your own bowl to take it home.”

“I’ll get one this afternoon! And I promise I’ll bring you something from my parents’ place in return, okay? I’m going to see them this weekend!” he explained proudly, and Ohno simply nodded. Aiba also lived in his own apartment, since it was much closer to the office than his family’s house, but he went home on most holidays and often brought Ohno back the most random and amusing things, which had built up over the five years they had known each other. Although other people might complain, he actually liked the oversized generic t-shirts with terrible prints that Aiba always gave him at the most surprising times. It was like one of the small things that lightened up his private life and reminded him that there was more to himself than memorizing laws and problem solving for money.

After a moment of silence Aiba continued, “I think your mom was right about this, though. You should open it.” He held up the letter and passed it across Ohno’s mahogany desk to the older man. “The paper is really nice! And it seems pretty thick, so it’s more than just a notice or something,” Aiba suggested with a gentle smile, and Ohno examined the letter curiously, wondering why it was causing such a stir with the people close to him.

The envelope was a deep shade of red and Ohno’s name and address were written in a curving loose handwriting that made him feel suddenly uncomfortable, but anxious and possibly excited…although he ignored all those feelings and made his face blank, slipping it into his stack of papers.

“I’ll open it when I get home,” he said nonchalantly in reply to Aiba’s questioning look, but for the rest of the day Ohno was on edge, which caused Aiba’s energy to diminish fractionally (which in turn made the lawyer even more uncomfortable, so he avoided him for the better part of the afternoon, sticking solely to his computer).

He still managed a laugh, though, when his secretary tentatively asked for his portion of the curry right before six o’clock, when the office officially closed. Of course Ohno would be here at least until ten, even if now he was considering leaving early just to get that stupid letter out of the way.

So they divided the pot in half and Ohno managed to relax a little as Aiba made his way out of the office, wishing the lawyer good luck and telling him to take care of himself properly. But the second he was back behind his desk, the room even drearier than it had been before, thanks to Aiba leaving, he could already tell he was useless.

Sho still managed to distract him from doing anything, even after all these years.

So he piled up his papers and files and shoved them in his suitcase before doing a once over of the office, going home the earliest that he ever had since he had become a full time lawyer.

One he was there, he immediately sat down on his expensive couch in his expensive apartment, wrinkling his expensive suit, and looked at the dark red envelope for a long time before he drew together enough courage to turn it over and break the seal on the back. Just like his mother had said, there was no indication of whom it was from, or a return address, but Ohno would know that handwriting anywhere, and with simply that much information he was sure that the only place he could read it was in complete isolated protection.

Satoshi-kun,

How are you? Well I hope. What have you made of yourself, I wonder? You were always a wonderful artist. I wish I could see your work once again.

You’ve probably forgotten all about me, haven’t you? You were always much stronger than me, I think. Always so free. Unfortunately I think of you every day, to the point where I can’t concentrate on anything else. You used to tease me about that, didn’t you? That you couldn’t do anything when I was around. I understand that feeling quite clearly now, although I believe it will never leave me even though we are separate.

But I fear I’ll never be able to see you again. That thought is frightening but at the same time a comfort. You deserve better than me, Satoshi. You deserve more than someone who only lies to you, who selfishly wants your love despite knowing that it’s impossible.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I departed on that day. It wasn’t because of you, Satoshi, and I needed you to know that. That’s why I wrote this letter, to let you know that I was telling the truth when I said I loved you, that my feelings were not lies. I wish I could say this to you through more than a letter, but that’s impossible right now.

It pains me to continue to not tell you anything, but this way is better I think. The only thing you need to know is that I loved you then and I still do now and that I’ll never forget you or our time together.

Continue to be strong, Satoshi.

Most sincerely,

Sho

Ohno felt tears prickling his eyes by the time he was finished and had to take a few minutes to collect himself before he could read it again. But along with regret at the blame he had put on Sho over the years also came anger and irritation. To tell someone you love all of those things but that you’ll never be able to meet again…! And no return address, no way of contacting him with a reply. The whole situation was frustrating and depressing.

After reading it a second time, then a third and fourth, Ohno managed to finally release the letter, setting it on the table, and promptly remembered about his other work, finding it a perfect distraction for his dour mood.

He booted up his desktop computer and tried to do something, finding himself only slightly more successful than at the office, the contents of the letter just as distracting as wondering what they were, plus now millions of new questions had come to mind. Where was Sho? Why didn’t he know that Ohno had decided to take over his dream by becoming a lawyer? He appeared on the news enough that it would be obvious for someone living in Japan, and possibly abroad too. And most importantly of all, if Sho still loved him so deeply, why was he giving up? That was the last thing he would have expected of him, although he had admitted to the lies that Ohno had uncovered over the years, so maybe he didn’t know anything about the real Sho at all.

But no matter how much the famous lawyer thought about it, there were only walls. Even after checking his database again, giving up on his other work to satisfy his curiosity, nothing came up that was related at all to his Sho, and it wasn’t like he could track down the letter. Even the postal mark on the stamp was nondescript and too general to find the post office that had processed it, which Ohno thought would have been impossible with the technology at his disposal.

It was well into the night when he hit the end of the last trail, unable to think of anything else, and was barely able to make his way to the shower again, this time only wanting to clear the bitter thoughts of how Sho had managed to wiggle his way back into his life, even if he hadn’t quite meant to, and whether anything was going to change at all.

It didn’t.

One year later, November

His birthday was coming around again, although Ohno found that being thirty wasn’t very different from being twenty-nine, despite how much Aiba teased him about it. After that first letter from Sho he hadn’t gotten a second one, and it was impossible for him to uncover any more clues to finding the other man, even if he certainly had a lot of time to reflect on whether he should hope that they could be reunited or continue on resentfully, not expecting anything else from the world but heartbreak.

Either way he was stuck with waiting and he hated how he felt like all of his emotions were dependent on Sho, who wasn’t even with him anymore. Who had left him more than ten years ago.

The easy solution was to throw himself into his work and forget. But his mother began to worry when he took that route and began calling more often, bringing in food for him once a week now, although he usually split it with Aiba since he couldn’t eat it all anyway. He assured her that he was taking care of himself and that his secretary would make sure that he wasn’t on the verge of exhaustion either, but Ohno still didn’t have many friends, and particularly not any that would be personally concerned about his well-being. Because of that, it was impossible to satisfy the other two and he felt like he constantly had someone breathing down his neck and inquiring about his health.

So he would get home after midnight and come into the office at six almost every day, fitting a meal somewhere between if he could (lunch was constant because Aiba was there with him, but even then there were days when he was all alone as well), and a few hours of sleep, usually at home in his bed but sometimes on the consulting couch in Aiba’s office, across from his own.

But he was winning cases…although he felt absolutely no reward in doing so. He was driven, that was true, but when he had once thought that receiving a judgment in his favor would be savory, would give more meaning to the choice he had made to honor Sho, or make his mother proud… after everything was over he only continued to feel tired and empty. Ultimately, though, he was good at his job, so it was really the pressure he had from the press and his clients that made him continue his work, not anything to do with his inner self or people close to him.

Even his fishing days had been put to an end three years ago and it had been just as long since he’d picked up a paint brush. Lately Ohno wondered what, exactly, he was living for.

“Hey, Oh-chan,” Aiba called out energetically before he poked his head into the office, and just for a moment Ohno had a taste of warmth and contentment, even though it quickly melted into nothingness. “Your mom brought some food by again! She came while Nino was interviewing you and said she didn’t want to disturb you.”

There was a spark of irritation because Ohno would have quickly taken a break for his mother, even though she always insisted that she didn’t want to interrupt anything in his office, but that faded as well.

Before he could even ask the question, Aiba answered. “She brought bentos again! Along with a huge dish of chahan and chicken! Seriously, your mom is the best!”

Ohno managed a smile and leaned back in his seat. “Any appointments before noon?”

“Nope! You want to eat now?” Aiba asked eagerly, and at Ohno’s slight nod, rushed back into his office and returned with the two neatly packed boxes within seconds.

He sat down across from Ohno, in the chair his clients usually used, and handed over the blue bento box on top, the same one that Ohno had used throughout high school with a print of fish on the side and that his mother never failed to surprise him with. Aiba’s own was green with trees, one that Ohno suspected had been newly bought specifically for his secretary promptly after their first meeting.

“Oh and this too,” Aiba suddenly added as he pulled out a red enveloped from under his own box, where he had been carrying it with the lunches.

Ohno stared at it, his name and mother’s address written in the same flowing handwriting as before, and immediately found himself without an appetite.

“She said to give this to you too. Guess it’s a good thing you didn’t throw the first one away?” Aiba commented light-heartedly, then noticed Ohno’s expression and frowned instead. “Is something wrong?”

After a short pause, Ohno reached out for the letter, his hand barely shaking, and took it gingerly, somehow getting a half smile out in order to make Aiba more relaxed. “It’s nothing. I’ll read it when I get home,” he said quickly, then tucked it into his stack of papers like he had before, feeling as if he had seen a ghost all over again. He wasn’t going to get any work done today, was he?

Of course he tried to forget about it and fell into a particularly one-sided conversation about Aiba’s pet dog that he had gotten only a week ago, but when he realized Ohno wasn’t eating anything, even though the meal included all his favorites, Aiba got worried and so Ohno tried to sallow at least something to appease him. Luckily enough a phone call came in before he had been forced to finish anything significant, and by the time Aiba returned he had repacked the box and hidden it inside of his desk, back on his computer trying to file away two new pieces of evidence, although he barely had an attention span as it was.

And that evening, just like before, it was only twenty minutes after Aiba had left with his own dish of chahan that Ohno also went home to his own empty apartment to face a second flood of painful yet cherished memories of Sho.

Satoshi-kun,

I apologize for writing you again. I’ve tried to stop myself dozens of times, but it’s no good. I wish I could see you, wish I could hold your hand again and have you worry about whether I’m wearing a scarf or not, and kiss you and hold you. I would give anything to simply be able to touch you now.

How have you grown, I wonder? Is your hair the same rebellious bleached color? Are you tan from your summer fishing trips? Do you still doze off anywhere? Whose shoulder do you use now, I suppose?

I’m afraid that I myself have grown a little bitter, Satoshi. I pray that this hasn’t happened to you. You were always the most beautiful while you were smiling… Even just imagining your smile now makes my heart feel lighter.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out if it would be possible to see you, even for a moment. Even from a distance, even if you couldn’t see me in return. But it’s against the rules here, and I’ve already broken them countless times.

But I would do anything to see you again, Satoshi.

I love you.

Most sincerely,

Sho

Ohno closed his eyes and dropped his forehead into his hands. Another moving letter, still no way to contact the sender, no hints gained, no mystery solved, and still no way to break free from his attachments. Where was Sho? Was this all a game? Was he really trying to reach out to him, or was he simply reminding Ohno of the chains that had bound him all these years?

Letting go sounded so wonderful right now, but at the mere thought of forgetting Sho and all they had had together, although he had taken it for granted at the time, Ohno felt as if he would become a lifeless shell. Even the isolated way of living he had now was better than forgetting a love more moving than probably most people knew in their lifetime. The only regret he had was not having enough time to fully realize his own feelings while Sho was still there.

Would another letter come? It had been a year since the first one, who knew how long it would take, assuming there was a next one.

The easier road would be to give up and forget about Sho anyway. Surely nothing would come from a string of letters that he couldn’t even reply to.

In fact, they only made his heart ache more.

Two years later, August

His mother had never once asked him why he hadn’t married. When Ohno contemplated it he guessed it was because she had figured out things between him and Sho way back when, and was waiting for them to talk to her about it, but after Sho stopped coming over she saw the toll it took on her son, and avoided the subject, just like Aiba did. Love had become taboo for him, he supposed, and the only two people that mattered to him right now could read those feelings as if they had been written on his office stationary and taped to his forehead.

Once he realized that Sho was never coming back, he had lied to his mother and said he had moved to another city and had apologized for not saying goodbye to her before he left. It was sudden and Ohno didn’t know much about it either, but it was sad, although he had vowed he would recover, even if he ultimately hadn’t kept that particular promise.

The thing that hurt the most was not knowing anything, not knowing where Sho had gone or why he had, or the reason why he had said he could never come back. Why they couldn’t be together when they both so wanted it even after all these years… That had all affected Ohno’s heart over the years and made him feel completely helpless now, and he wondered, vaguely, if Sho felt the same, wherever he was.

“Oh-chan, I think you should take tomorrow off too!” Aiba whined as he leaned over Ohno’s desk rather impolitely (although Ohno didn’t mind in the least), watching him as he continued to write an email to a prosecutor he would be meeting with next week. “I mean, it’s summer time and you only have one case right now! There should be no problem with you closing down the office while I’m at home over Obon! I’m sure your mom would love for you to be home for a little while too.”

It was quite a solid argument, and although Ohno was used to picking those sorts of things apart, it was Aiba and he found himself almost as passive with him as his own mother.

“There’s still that review that I need to-“

“I promise I’ll work an extra hour on Monday!” Aiba said with a huge smile. “I’ll help you catch up, so just take a day off, would you? Everyone should be with their family over Obon!”

Letting out a sigh of defeat, Ohno shrugged. He could finish most of the critical things up tonight if he stayed a little later, and he was sure that Aiba could be of help once he explained a few things.

“I suppose if-“

“Great! I’ll call her right now before I leave to make sure you don’t back out!”

Aiba turned and darted into his own office to make the call and Ohno couldn’t help but smile. It would certainly be nice to get his head out of his papers, even if only for a few hours, and it had been quite a while since he’d returned home anyway. He’d been so busy up until now that he either had Aiba go for him, or inadvertently made his mother come to the office in order to satisfy her parental urges.

Yes, he could probably make it work if he got up early before leaving as well, and if he brought his laptop he could probably even stay the night. His mother would be ecstatic.

The next day

The drive took about an hour, but he was there just in time for a late breakfast, which he gobbled down with more enthusiasm than he’d had since the last time he’d eaten his mother’s hot miso soup and fresh Japanese omelet.

After he assured her that he was not going to work on anything at all until after dinner, but that he might get a phone call at some point, the two of them comfortably fell into a leisurely chat which mostly consisted of catching up on the last month or so, and his mother trying to convince him to stop sending so much money to her all the time, since she had more than enough of it.

Ohno wasn’t quite sure what he would do with it if he didn’t send it to her, though, so despite subtly changing the subject without replying to her request, he knew that it was one thing that his mother would never convince him of without a little more serious reasoning. Just like he padded Aiba’s salary with ridiculous things like “bodyguard bonus,” financially was one way he could properly take care of the people he cared about, one way to make him feel less helpless in this downward spiral of a life he had created for himself.

They had lunch together-leftover curry just the way he liked it-and afterwards, over a cup of coffee, started to discuss a community knitting class his mother had started at Aiba’s prompting a few months ago. Aiba himself had only gone once, since it was rather far from his apartment, and Ohno had the suspicion that it was simply for his mother’s sake, as she didn’t really work and had little to do with her free time other than worry about her son.

Just as she started showing him the project she had started, a small dish towel, the doorbell rang, and his mother excused herself to answer it, although Ohno, finding nothing else to do with himself and a bit curious anyway, followed her, leaning against the wall a few steps back from the door.

Turned out it was their neighbor, another old woman who had known Ohno from his childhood, and he greeted her politely as her mother explained that he was visiting and then gave him an apologetic look as she invited the other woman in for a moment to talk.

“It’s fine, mom,” he whispered to her as she passed. “I was meaning to take a walk around the neighborhood anyway, so I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Don’t be too long, dear. I’ve got some sweets waiting to be eaten you know,” she smiled, patting him lightly on the arm before following her friend into the living area, and Ohno heard them begin talking about him as he slipped on his shoes.

“Oh, Satoshi has really become a find young man, hasn’t he…?”

“Yes, he’s quite good to his old mother…”

Feeling absolutely nothing at the compliments-not embarrassed nor particularly proud- he quickly shut the front door behind him and slid his hands into his pocket as he walked down the street. Since he wasn’t planning on meeting anyone (as it would take too long to travel back to his office outside of an emergency), he was wearing a shirt Aiba had given him with a lion under a stylized Africa print, a pair of half ripped jeans-- the only ones he owned at this particular point in time-- and his favorite sandals, which were cracked with age and lack of use, but still comfortable on his otherwise bare feet.

So he walked, noting how the neighborhood had changed over the years, a new house here and there, and found himself automatically heading towards the station, as if he were going to meet Sho, once again a high school student.

The station had been remodeled and a shopping street had been built on one side, and he felt suddenly much more relaxed as he headed towards it, knowing that this place would hold no memories of Sho or his childhood, both of which were as painful as they were endearing.

On a whim he bought a present for his mother, a roll of high quality yarn from a small local craft store, and a box of sweets from a stand to give to Aiba as a souvenir for his short vacation. And before he could stop himself he also bought a can of instant cocoa placed by the register, even though he hadn’t had a cup of it since his last meeting with Sho.

With purchases in hand he slowly slunk back towards his house, wondering if the hour he’d given her had been enough. Just like his mother, he didn’t want to bother his precious person when she was busy, since his homecoming had been pretty last minute and all.

Almost automatically, as he arrived he stopped in front of the mail box, just like he used to every day after school when he got home, and as he did now at his own apartment, but just as his fingers touched the latch to pull it down, he paused.

It had been years… surely it was just his overactive imagination, he deep desires for any contact from Sho at all, whether it was hopeless or onesided, or anything else that their relationship had turned in to, but his letters had been coming here, and it would only make sense that they still would.

Don’t get your hopes up, he chided himself, then clenched his jaw and opened the mailbox with hard eyes.

In all honesty, he hadn’t expected a red envelope to greet him, but as if it were fate, there it was, on top of three other plain white envelopes, watching him as if waiting for a reaction.

Just like before, he stared at it for a full minute, swallowing the sudden unease at the unexpected encounter, until he built up the courage to reach for it, examining the writing just to be absolutely sure, then grabbing the rest of the mail as well, placing it in the crook of his elbow so he could open the door.

Luckily enough for him, both ladies were still talking idly in the living room when he walked in and greeted him momentarily before the neighbor continued the conversation, which was apparently about her grandson who had been found dating a boy and how scandalized the entire family had been. Ohno would have been proud to note that his mother was smoothly countering the comments, except for all of his focus was on where the red envelope was pressed against his skin.

“I’ll be upstairs,” he mumbled when she caught his eye, obviously worried at his sudden change in demeanor, then walked into the kitchen to deposit the yarn and candy, automatically grabbing the cocoa and letter before climbing up to his old room.

Maybe that decision had been a mistake. The minute he walked in he was overwhelmed with images of him and Sho, the two of them crowding around the small one-person table on the floor, Ohno sketching Sho’s profile in his notebook while trying to be discreet, of them kissing and the first time they had…

And there on his desk was a line of photos his mother had put up, of Ohno and Aiba in front of the office when they had first started working together, followed by Ohno at his college graduation, and then years earlier at his high school one. In each photo Ohno looked the same, straight black hair, serious eyes, and tight lips-almost irritated, even if he hadn’t been. The only one he was smiling in was the last one of him and Sho dressed in yukatas at the Obon festival, arms around each other and a line of brightly lit stalls and lanterns as their backdrop, looking at the camera together with sparkling eyes.

He set the can of cocoa down next to the picture, his throat tense and constricting with emotion as he did so, and this time without hesitation, he turned the envelope over and opened it.

Satoshi-kun,

I’ve been selfish and that has been eating at my conscious.

I love you and always will. But you deserve to be happy. You can’t be happy while I’m still in your life.

I always imagined you as a father, although if that thought isn’t pleasing to you, at the very least don’t isolate yourself. Don’t be alone. Just imagining it makes me depressed.

Forget about me, Satoshi. Forget about me and start over, look for happiness. You’re strong, unlike me.

Please be happy.

Most sincerely,

Sho

“How arrogant of you, Sho. To imagine that I need you to tell me to move on,” Ohno let out immediately under his breath, surprised at the anger he felt in place of the usual sadness. But once he started to think about it… it was a strange thing to say, wasn’t it? Their relationship had ended so long ago that if Ohno had decided to move on he would have done it already. He could have had a dozen children by now.

But, as if he wasn’t already, it got him thinking about Sho again, and his feelings. He wanted Ohno to give up on him, to move on, but he thought something like that was impossible at this point.

He wasn’t exactly alone, though. He had his mother, and he had Aiba.

Aiba…

Through all their years together he had never pressed Ohno about his past. He had asked about a lover once, but upon Ohno’s negative reaction, had never brought up the topic again, whether it was about Ohno or himself.

Maybe it was time to talk about it once more. It was the only reasonable thing to do at this point, and this time he might actually be able to come to terms with his separation from Sho, or at least find help in understanding what he should be feeling right now instead of just walking around blindly.

Although all the previous letters had left him feeling like there wasn’t anything he could do, this time he had at least one step to take and he suddenly felt better because of it. He wasn’t alone, despite what Sho wrote, and it wasn’t up to him to decide what Ohno would do with his life either.

Part two