In which life's changes are described and fears are discussed with hopes in mind.
I'll post this on gay MySpace too.
Well, I had a much harder time getting my life going again after I bought a new car then promptly got fired from a job I liked than I thought I would. Still a work in progress, I work at a local home security system company as a dispatcher/doormat/shannon's secretary. I had a tremendously hard time finding a job for almost 3 months, and I'm glad I was finally able to work somewhere that didn't involve picking up trash on the side of the freeway or putting salt on fries. A problem lies in the fact that this job PAYS like one of those jobs. I moved out of my parents' house when i was 18, and now I'm back again, and it's wreaking havoc on my ego. There is the bright side of the encouragement i receive at this job, they seem to like what I do quite a bit, and the implication is that I would be promoted to a managerial position fairly quickly, with lifelong career stable-income type furnishings in accompaniment.
There's a problem there too, however; I still have dreams! I'm not READY to give up on myself and just make some money in some job forever. I owe it to myself and my potential to try and do something with my life that I will love, something that I can only dream of these days. I'm too smart and too good to stop trying to be the best I can be yet.
Which brings us to the subject I've thought on quite a bit recently: hopes and fears. Without fear, we would have no hope, and without our hopes, we have nothing to fear. I don't fear many conventional things. I find that my only fears are mirrored by my deepest hopes, which is obvious yet fascinating and telling at the same time.. So, what are they exactly?
Fears
Well, I had a much harder time getting my life going again after I bought a new car then promptly got fired from a job I liked than I thought I would. Still a work in progress, I work at a local home security system company as a dispatcher/doormat/shannon's secretary. I had a tremendously hard time finding a job for almost 3 months, and I'm glad I was finally able to work somewhere that didn't involve picking up trash on the side of the freeway or putting salt on fries. A problem lies in the fact that this job PAYS like one of those jobs. I moved out of my parents' house when i was 18, and now I'm back again, and it's wreaking havoc on my ego. There is the bright side of the encouragement i receive at this job, they seem to like what I do quite a bit, and the implication is that I would be promoted to a managerial position fairly quickly, with lifelong career stable-income type furnishings in accompaniment.
There's a problem there too, however; I still have dreams! I'm not READY to give up on myself and just make some money in some job forever. I owe it to myself and my potential to try and do something with my life that I will love, something that I can only dream of these days. I'm too smart and too good to stop trying to be the best I can be yet.
Which brings us to the subject I've thought on quite a bit recently: hopes and fears. Without fear, we would have no hope, and without our hopes, we have nothing to fear. I don't fear many conventional things. I find that my only fears are mirrored by my deepest hopes, which is obvious yet fascinating and telling at the same time.. So, what are they exactly?
Fears
- My biggest fear is common amongst many, but I feel that I have more reason to fear it than most: to be alone. No one wants to be alone. But I can feel it breathing down my neck every single day. I fear that the paranoid voice in my head telling me that I'm truly unlovable, that something about me is truly undeserving of love, isn't just fear talking, that at this point it's become forgone conclusion. There comes an age where you're beyond "unlucky in love", and there truly has to be something wrong with you, and I think i passed that age a number of years ago. It's an incredibly crippling feeling to go through each day knowing that you are number 1 in absolutely no one's life. That entire stretches of time go by where you cross absolutely no one's mind. You see true intimacy, and you think of physical contact, and the concepts seem foreign to you, like strange puzzles for other people to enjoy.
- That I'll never be able to show the world or any special someone the imagination, talent, and beauty I have inside of me.
- That the world finds out that I masturbate!!!!!
- That I'll stop being who I am. I fear so badly that all these emotions will crush me one day, and I won't be the truly good person that I believe that I am now. That the Danny that a few people love for the person i am will die, and those incredible lifelong friends will have no choice but to turn their backs on me, because I will be ugly inside and out.
- That I stop believing. My belief that the things I want are real and deserved are what keep me together.
Dreams
- Love. Of course, this has to be first. Nirvana, Heaven, Valhalla, I dream with every waking moment that this strange and alien world introduces itself to me. As I said in my last entry, despite the above fears messing with my self confidence at times, I truly have come to terms with the fact that I deserve it. I'm not a bad person yet, and I know when it happens it will be for a lifetime. I see our love growing together like two mighty trees planted on the same spot, intertwining and fusing forever to form an unshakable monument to the lives we've built together. Wherever you are, thank you, because I love you.
- Is there anything as beautiful as marriage? Holy shit. I think about having a home with someone I love, not just a house, a home, where we build a family together and it's our part of the world. Imagine building lives all around you, little lives that look to you every day with adoration. Think about your wife and you being the first people that these little lives have ever loved, and the wonderful human beings you can grow from that, to carry on your love, Danny. It's completely overpowering.
- To be seen. I dream about doing something great with my mind, writing something that people will love. Imagine how Shel Silverstein or Neil Gaiman must feel. I know I have it in me to do something great, and I know I can get these other dreams to come true, so why not this one?
- Injecting the Super-Soldier Serum!!!
- Independance. My young adulthood has taught me a lot about independance. I hope to soon be free of my shackles, and owing people money for years on end is a stifling proposition. Being able to do what I want without obligations and worries weighing me down is a very nice sounding situation. Again, easily done.
Looking back, my dreams aren't really that far-fetched. No, i'm definitely not ready to settle for some shitty managerial position in a place I don't care about. Here's to the future, and crushing that list of fears like a fucking bug!
I only pray that I have what it takes to achieve some of this stuff.
Oh, I also hope that this entry isn't too long for you to read/care about! I'm pouring my heart out here!