(no subject)
I've now officially been on this planet for thirty years.
I really don't feel any older, though I have noticed a few gray hairs near my ears and a disinclination to drink to excess :P
The biggest changes have been emotional/perspective ones. Do I chalk it up to hormones and a loudly-ticking biological clock? Or am "I" actually changing as a person? Or both?
Like, if you were to read back to some of my earliest posts in this journal, you'd probably notice that I have no interest in dating or relationships whatsoever. In fact I've spent most of my life disgusted by couples who show affection in public, or even married couples who seem happy but in my eyes were just putting on an act. From a very young age, I have always felt that feelings of love were really just feelings of lust in disguise, or a means of using another person to get what you want. But lately those feelings have changed.
Specifically, those feelings have changed after experiencing about a years' worth of anxiety problems.
Are the two related? Did I change my mind because I was desperate to find anything that would make those horrible feelings go away? Because they HAVE gone away. Not completely...but a LOT. Being in a relationship has calmed me down somehow, has cleared things up and made things easier. Being with Jameson has helped me in ways that I don't understand.
It seems unrealistic to think of Jameson as a "soulmate". After years of not dating, I imagine you don't find the right guy on the first shot. In that case, why are we dating? Well, I asked him out so I should know. The best explanation I can come up with: I worked with him for a year and felt that I knew what kind of person he was. Not his likes and dislikes or how he acted in public but, like, how he was under all that...how he wanted to be, and what he was looking for too. We are two very different people, and I wonder for how long we can have a relationship before one of us gets tired of the other or we disagree on some key issue.
I love the outdoors, hiking and swimming are two of my favorite pastimes. He has bad knees and can't do much sports-wise, and would never be able to go with me on a long hike, and he hates swimming. I know nothing about sports, pop culture, classic rock, or poker. These are some of his favorite activities and subjects. He knows nothing about classical music or anime, two of my top hobbies. I wonder if at some point these differences will cause a rift.
Among things that I like and appreciate about him: He gives me space when I need it. He is there if I need a hug or to talk, and doesn't seem put-upon for either. He stays easygoing and positive most of the time, no matter what happens. He doesn't have to be 'the man' all the time or be 'in charge'; we do things together or take turns being the leader. He seems to really tell me how he feels, rather than try to pretend to be how he thinks I want him to be. He's a lot of fun to be around, for me and almost everyone we work with. He's a great cook. He's patient.
Some less positive attributes that I've taken note of: He can be egotistical at times. Although he doesn't spend to excess, he's not great at saving money either. He can be loud and sometimes obnoxious in the right company (i.e. our boss). He has kind of an immature sense of humor. He has a pretty overwhelming obsession with Queen.
We've been dating for about six months, and I'm not tired of him and I think he's not tired of me.
This is probably the single strangest thing I've experienced in my time on this planet.
I really don't feel any older, though I have noticed a few gray hairs near my ears and a disinclination to drink to excess :P
The biggest changes have been emotional/perspective ones. Do I chalk it up to hormones and a loudly-ticking biological clock? Or am "I" actually changing as a person? Or both?
Like, if you were to read back to some of my earliest posts in this journal, you'd probably notice that I have no interest in dating or relationships whatsoever. In fact I've spent most of my life disgusted by couples who show affection in public, or even married couples who seem happy but in my eyes were just putting on an act. From a very young age, I have always felt that feelings of love were really just feelings of lust in disguise, or a means of using another person to get what you want. But lately those feelings have changed.
Specifically, those feelings have changed after experiencing about a years' worth of anxiety problems.
Are the two related? Did I change my mind because I was desperate to find anything that would make those horrible feelings go away? Because they HAVE gone away. Not completely...but a LOT. Being in a relationship has calmed me down somehow, has cleared things up and made things easier. Being with Jameson has helped me in ways that I don't understand.
It seems unrealistic to think of Jameson as a "soulmate". After years of not dating, I imagine you don't find the right guy on the first shot. In that case, why are we dating? Well, I asked him out so I should know. The best explanation I can come up with: I worked with him for a year and felt that I knew what kind of person he was. Not his likes and dislikes or how he acted in public but, like, how he was under all that...how he wanted to be, and what he was looking for too. We are two very different people, and I wonder for how long we can have a relationship before one of us gets tired of the other or we disagree on some key issue.
I love the outdoors, hiking and swimming are two of my favorite pastimes. He has bad knees and can't do much sports-wise, and would never be able to go with me on a long hike, and he hates swimming. I know nothing about sports, pop culture, classic rock, or poker. These are some of his favorite activities and subjects. He knows nothing about classical music or anime, two of my top hobbies. I wonder if at some point these differences will cause a rift.
Among things that I like and appreciate about him: He gives me space when I need it. He is there if I need a hug or to talk, and doesn't seem put-upon for either. He stays easygoing and positive most of the time, no matter what happens. He doesn't have to be 'the man' all the time or be 'in charge'; we do things together or take turns being the leader. He seems to really tell me how he feels, rather than try to pretend to be how he thinks I want him to be. He's a lot of fun to be around, for me and almost everyone we work with. He's a great cook. He's patient.
Some less positive attributes that I've taken note of: He can be egotistical at times. Although he doesn't spend to excess, he's not great at saving money either. He can be loud and sometimes obnoxious in the right company (i.e. our boss). He has kind of an immature sense of humor. He has a pretty overwhelming obsession with Queen.
We've been dating for about six months, and I'm not tired of him and I think he's not tired of me.
This is probably the single strangest thing I've experienced in my time on this planet.