(no subject)
This journal is about to become a lot more personal.
There are only two people besides me who read it, so hopefully that won't be a problem. But I just thought it fair to warn those two that I'm going to use this account to help with my anxiety issues. I think many of my problems are coming from things I refuse to face, or that I find too painful to talk about, and bottle up inside. As someone who's on the road constantly, I've found it impossible to take on any kind of counseling, mainly because a) therapists are licensed in their own states and can't work outside their state's laws, b) the cost of therapy is not covered under my health insurance, c) most therapists will not work entirely over the phone/skype and insist on at least 4 in-person meetings per year. My only other alternative seems to be self-help and/or a prescription.
I will get a consultation with a psychiatrist this week if possible. If drugs are recommended, at this point I am willing to try that route. This has gone on for the past 6 months and I'm tired of feeling terrified, suffocated, and alone constantly and for no reason. But along with that, I need to put more serious effort into self-help. That means airing my dirty laundry, and if there's no one to listen then I'll write it out and see if that helps. It'll be painful and personal, and if you don't want to read it and need me to change my settings somehow so that you don't see it, I'll be glad to do that. Most of my posts will be 'friends only', but I think I can also keep posts from showing up in your feeds too.
A few days ago I was dealing with an outbreak of hives. Well I'm still dealing with it; it comes and goes. I have no idea what's causing it, but I'm guessing it has something to do with going from cold and rainy Hershey, PA to high-altitude Colorado Springs to the super-dry and 100+ degree weather of Vegas in the span of two weeks. Of course several years ago I drove cross country in only four days and didn't experience any problems. Whatever. There are so many things that could have caused it, even stress.
Anyway, I let my boss know about the hives just in case they became anything serious that would prevent me from doing my job. He took me aside and told me not to worry, I'm doing a great job, if I need to take any time off to figure it out that's fine, etc. Those kind words almost had me bawling in front of him. My head was filled with thoughts like, "I don't deserve this job" and "He says I can take time off...does he want to get rid of me?" and "How can I do this to him and my coworkers!"
Why do I have thoughts like this? Why do I think so negatively toward myself?
I tried to explain to our trumpet player why I am so upset (he kept telling me 'it's gonna be fine' and 'what are you so worried about?'). I feel guilty, like I'm letting everyone down. It's not just the stupid hives. It's not being able to play jazz improv as well as everyone else out here. It's making stupid mistakes in the music, not knowing how to play poker with the guys, not getting half of the pop culture jokes that people make. I feel like I don't fit in, like I'm disposable, and not as good as everyone here. All of the other musicians play multiple instruments, or have other skills such as composing or athleticism or social skills or whatever. I feel guilty that I don't work toward another skill, that I'm not 'doing something' all the time to make myself better, at anything. I try to learn juggling because Aaron's doing it, violin because Brian wants me to, valves because I should already know how to do that, conducting because my boss wants me to. But when I try to learn all of these things at once, I learn nothing because it's too much. I am so grateful to have a job that allows me to pursue anything I'd like, but I feel pressured to learn everything fast. The pressure is coming from me comparing myself to everyone else. There should be no reason that I can't just take some time to enjoy whatever I want at my own pace.
I think this is partly why, when there's nothing to do (on a train run, between shows, etc) I feel stress if I don't exercise, practice learning something, clean my room, take pictures for the blog, etc. I feel like I HAVE to be doing SOMETHING, and I don't let myself relax at all. Right now I'm sitting here typing this thinking, "I should be cooking right now. Should I go outside and take pictures? Or will I get that rash again? Maybe I should read up on financing."
For God's sake, why the F*ck should I feel I need to do ANYTHING???
It's a train run. The train is moving for the next 36 hours and I can't get off. I live in an 8 x 7 room. Why do I feel guilty if I'm not exercising, or cleaning, or studying conducting or financing or whatever else? Why can't I just watch movies and sleep and eat and watch the scenery without worrying?
That's one part of my anxiety. The other part seems to be a hypochondriac-like fear of health issues.
This week we were in a dry environment. I broke out in hives and also got my period. So I think, are the hives related to my period? Then my sinuses felt dry and my head felt foggy, but I didn't realize it was my sinuses and felt dizzy and frightened the minute my head got cloudy, thinking I was going to faint or maybe my blood pressure was too high like that time in Mexico or maybe there's something wrong with my heart, etc. etc. As a result I was awake an entire night hyperventilating about whether I might faint during tomorrow's shows.
What good does worrying like that do me? It's all irrational fears and nothing ever comes of it. If I were having heart problems something would have happened by now. If I were going to faint every time I thought I was going to, it would have happened by now. It's just anxiety. Then I start overreacting to every little physical thing that happens. I get a little gas while playing a show. Oh my God, it's a hernia! No, maybe I have parasites! Internal bleeding?? Food poisoning!
I know how stupid this sounds. Welcome to the world of the hypochondriac. I have to admit I am one.
But why do I feel this way, and what started these feelings? Going to Mexico was a big part of it, because I got sick there and there wasn't really any medical help available (or internet) so I sort of had to guess what was going on with me and hope it was nothing serious. Even before coming to this job I had feelings and reactions like this. I remember getting 'food poisoning' several times while at Busch Gardens, but looking back I have to ask whether it was really food poisoning or just stress.
So there are two things that are playing a major role in my anxiety problems.
One is this feeling of guilt over actions I take or don't take.
The other is fear about health issues that I may or may not have now or in the future.
To understand why I react the way I do now, I am going to really take a hard and painful look at how I was raised, how I responded to punishment as a child, the effect of my parents' divorces and remarriages, my mother's death and how I dealt with it, my stepfather's abandonment of his family and his drug use, and the pattern of my lifestyle up until now.
This is not something I want to do or I would have done it before now.
I just can't keep on going through life feeling awful EVERY DAY.
I have a wonderful job and an exciting life with lots of possibilities, and right now I can't enjoy it.
If the past is interfering with my present, that needs to stop.
If it turns out that none of the above is the problem, fine, at least I'll have gotten it out of my system so I can move on.
There are only two people besides me who read it, so hopefully that won't be a problem. But I just thought it fair to warn those two that I'm going to use this account to help with my anxiety issues. I think many of my problems are coming from things I refuse to face, or that I find too painful to talk about, and bottle up inside. As someone who's on the road constantly, I've found it impossible to take on any kind of counseling, mainly because a) therapists are licensed in their own states and can't work outside their state's laws, b) the cost of therapy is not covered under my health insurance, c) most therapists will not work entirely over the phone/skype and insist on at least 4 in-person meetings per year. My only other alternative seems to be self-help and/or a prescription.
I will get a consultation with a psychiatrist this week if possible. If drugs are recommended, at this point I am willing to try that route. This has gone on for the past 6 months and I'm tired of feeling terrified, suffocated, and alone constantly and for no reason. But along with that, I need to put more serious effort into self-help. That means airing my dirty laundry, and if there's no one to listen then I'll write it out and see if that helps. It'll be painful and personal, and if you don't want to read it and need me to change my settings somehow so that you don't see it, I'll be glad to do that. Most of my posts will be 'friends only', but I think I can also keep posts from showing up in your feeds too.
A few days ago I was dealing with an outbreak of hives. Well I'm still dealing with it; it comes and goes. I have no idea what's causing it, but I'm guessing it has something to do with going from cold and rainy Hershey, PA to high-altitude Colorado Springs to the super-dry and 100+ degree weather of Vegas in the span of two weeks. Of course several years ago I drove cross country in only four days and didn't experience any problems. Whatever. There are so many things that could have caused it, even stress.
Anyway, I let my boss know about the hives just in case they became anything serious that would prevent me from doing my job. He took me aside and told me not to worry, I'm doing a great job, if I need to take any time off to figure it out that's fine, etc. Those kind words almost had me bawling in front of him. My head was filled with thoughts like, "I don't deserve this job" and "He says I can take time off...does he want to get rid of me?" and "How can I do this to him and my coworkers!"
Why do I have thoughts like this? Why do I think so negatively toward myself?
I tried to explain to our trumpet player why I am so upset (he kept telling me 'it's gonna be fine' and 'what are you so worried about?'). I feel guilty, like I'm letting everyone down. It's not just the stupid hives. It's not being able to play jazz improv as well as everyone else out here. It's making stupid mistakes in the music, not knowing how to play poker with the guys, not getting half of the pop culture jokes that people make. I feel like I don't fit in, like I'm disposable, and not as good as everyone here. All of the other musicians play multiple instruments, or have other skills such as composing or athleticism or social skills or whatever. I feel guilty that I don't work toward another skill, that I'm not 'doing something' all the time to make myself better, at anything. I try to learn juggling because Aaron's doing it, violin because Brian wants me to, valves because I should already know how to do that, conducting because my boss wants me to. But when I try to learn all of these things at once, I learn nothing because it's too much. I am so grateful to have a job that allows me to pursue anything I'd like, but I feel pressured to learn everything fast. The pressure is coming from me comparing myself to everyone else. There should be no reason that I can't just take some time to enjoy whatever I want at my own pace.
I think this is partly why, when there's nothing to do (on a train run, between shows, etc) I feel stress if I don't exercise, practice learning something, clean my room, take pictures for the blog, etc. I feel like I HAVE to be doing SOMETHING, and I don't let myself relax at all. Right now I'm sitting here typing this thinking, "I should be cooking right now. Should I go outside and take pictures? Or will I get that rash again? Maybe I should read up on financing."
For God's sake, why the F*ck should I feel I need to do ANYTHING???
It's a train run. The train is moving for the next 36 hours and I can't get off. I live in an 8 x 7 room. Why do I feel guilty if I'm not exercising, or cleaning, or studying conducting or financing or whatever else? Why can't I just watch movies and sleep and eat and watch the scenery without worrying?
That's one part of my anxiety. The other part seems to be a hypochondriac-like fear of health issues.
This week we were in a dry environment. I broke out in hives and also got my period. So I think, are the hives related to my period? Then my sinuses felt dry and my head felt foggy, but I didn't realize it was my sinuses and felt dizzy and frightened the minute my head got cloudy, thinking I was going to faint or maybe my blood pressure was too high like that time in Mexico or maybe there's something wrong with my heart, etc. etc. As a result I was awake an entire night hyperventilating about whether I might faint during tomorrow's shows.
What good does worrying like that do me? It's all irrational fears and nothing ever comes of it. If I were having heart problems something would have happened by now. If I were going to faint every time I thought I was going to, it would have happened by now. It's just anxiety. Then I start overreacting to every little physical thing that happens. I get a little gas while playing a show. Oh my God, it's a hernia! No, maybe I have parasites! Internal bleeding?? Food poisoning!
I know how stupid this sounds. Welcome to the world of the hypochondriac. I have to admit I am one.
But why do I feel this way, and what started these feelings? Going to Mexico was a big part of it, because I got sick there and there wasn't really any medical help available (or internet) so I sort of had to guess what was going on with me and hope it was nothing serious. Even before coming to this job I had feelings and reactions like this. I remember getting 'food poisoning' several times while at Busch Gardens, but looking back I have to ask whether it was really food poisoning or just stress.
So there are two things that are playing a major role in my anxiety problems.
One is this feeling of guilt over actions I take or don't take.
The other is fear about health issues that I may or may not have now or in the future.
To understand why I react the way I do now, I am going to really take a hard and painful look at how I was raised, how I responded to punishment as a child, the effect of my parents' divorces and remarriages, my mother's death and how I dealt with it, my stepfather's abandonment of his family and his drug use, and the pattern of my lifestyle up until now.
This is not something I want to do or I would have done it before now.
I just can't keep on going through life feeling awful EVERY DAY.
I have a wonderful job and an exciting life with lots of possibilities, and right now I can't enjoy it.
If the past is interfering with my present, that needs to stop.
If it turns out that none of the above is the problem, fine, at least I'll have gotten it out of my system so I can move on.