(no subject)
Writing because I need to. Because there's no one here.
Most of my life has been blessed. I can usually find a good job, and good friends. I can usually support myself.
This year...has been hell. My idea of hell is letting myself down. Failing at everything I do. Declining in every way.
Since moving here, I have gotten 'food poisoning'. Three times. And ever since I've had residual symptoms that are rather frightening and refuse to go away. And because I am a useless piece of trash with no life skills, I do not have a job with health insurance and cannot afford a visit to the doctor to find out whether I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Pancreatic Cancer.
I have a cough that will not go away either.
My job has been cut short by budget cuts. All of my preplanning and budgeting is shot to shit. I have two weeks to find work, and all I could get were two minimum wage retail jobs, at which I will have to work 15 hours per day to earn anything like what I was earning previously.
I have to move out. I can't afford to live here any more. My landlord just sent me the utility bills for the last two months and that was the last straw. My roommate has just landed a salaried teaching gig, and although I'm glad for him, listening to him talk excitedly about his new job only magnifies what a piece of shit I am and how I will never amount to anything because I've made poor life choices. I do not know where I will live.
I have to change my permanent address. Jeremy and Charlie are moving to the UK because they are responsible adults who planned for their futures and will be studying to become architects. They've sold their house, which has been the home I've been mooching for three years. I am selling as many valuable belongings as I can on ebay.
My car insurance is due this month. But I've just changed my address.
My registration is overdue (I must have missed the paperwork while on tour). I've renewed it, but it's being sent to the old address and I may not get the paperwork, and I need it NOW.
I need it NOW because I got a ticket for speeding and for having an expired registration.
I will have to take extra time from work in order to attend Driver Improvement classes so I won't get points or a revoked license. The fees will still be there, however.
There is no one to blame for any of this except me.
Why didn't I just get married. Why didn't I just go to school for business or education.
What was it that I was looking for.
I have ruined my life.
Most of my life has been blessed. I can usually find a good job, and good friends. I can usually support myself.
This year...has been hell. My idea of hell is letting myself down. Failing at everything I do. Declining in every way.
Since moving here, I have gotten 'food poisoning'. Three times. And ever since I've had residual symptoms that are rather frightening and refuse to go away. And because I am a useless piece of trash with no life skills, I do not have a job with health insurance and cannot afford a visit to the doctor to find out whether I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Pancreatic Cancer.
I have a cough that will not go away either.
My job has been cut short by budget cuts. All of my preplanning and budgeting is shot to shit. I have two weeks to find work, and all I could get were two minimum wage retail jobs, at which I will have to work 15 hours per day to earn anything like what I was earning previously.
I have to move out. I can't afford to live here any more. My landlord just sent me the utility bills for the last two months and that was the last straw. My roommate has just landed a salaried teaching gig, and although I'm glad for him, listening to him talk excitedly about his new job only magnifies what a piece of shit I am and how I will never amount to anything because I've made poor life choices. I do not know where I will live.
I have to change my permanent address. Jeremy and Charlie are moving to the UK because they are responsible adults who planned for their futures and will be studying to become architects. They've sold their house, which has been the home I've been mooching for three years. I am selling as many valuable belongings as I can on ebay.
My car insurance is due this month. But I've just changed my address.
My registration is overdue (I must have missed the paperwork while on tour). I've renewed it, but it's being sent to the old address and I may not get the paperwork, and I need it NOW.
I need it NOW because I got a ticket for speeding and for having an expired registration.
I will have to take extra time from work in order to attend Driver Improvement classes so I won't get points or a revoked license. The fees will still be there, however.
There is no one to blame for any of this except me.
Why didn't I just get married. Why didn't I just go to school for business or education.
What was it that I was looking for.
I have ruined my life.