Goodbye Horses...
I had a whole entry ready,
full of negative, but true,
information.
About ex's, about so-called
friends, about the wrongs
that have been done to me,
about things I would do or
have done unless I get my
stuff back...
Instead, I pulled myself away,
and began this.
All of us suffer in one way or another.
Or, as REM would say :
A lot of it is self-inflicted.
A lot of it is done by others.
We're all damaged goods.
Beyond the words, the actions, the hurt, the hate,
and beyond all injustices, we are simply all flawed
people, trying to do what we feel is best for ourselves
and those who mean most. It especially hurts when
those who mean most to us make us feel betrayed.
We learn.
Some of us become stronger,
some of us become more cold,
some of us become more cunning
and vengeful.
In the end, we all do things as defense
against making the same mistakes.
What I'm getting at here is something I realized as I
looked back through my LJ entries and various memories
from the last 5-6 years. While there were a ton of great
memories and fun times with people who I've crossed
paths with, for the most part, I felt like a failure.
Because instead of do something more to get ahead in
life, I've wasted it, making silly sacrifices for the sake
of love and thinking I could support those I cared about
in the romantic sense, only to end up drowning.
Entry after entry, I thought all about the
should've, could've, and would've's.
While I've more often tried to make my decisions based on
what felt right at the time, reassuring myself that I should
live without regrets because of that state of mind, I guess
we all can't help but reflect upon our past and wonder if
we've really done the best we could.
Sometimes, when I re-read some of the old messages I've
sent to ex's (relationship partners/lovers and friends alike
who have taken me for granted), I ask myself if I'm a bad
person. Sure, there were some things I could have held
back, or not been so harsh... but then I remember how I
felt and how much they were ignoring my feelings, and all
I could respond with was fighting fire with fire.
I have lost so much of the patience I used to have.
I have lost how enchanted I once was with life.
I have lost the ability to trust.
I take some solace in reassuring myself that I am not
a bad person for the fact that animals love me. Animals
have a much keener sense of someone with good or bad
intentions, and generally, they like me more often than
most people.
I am as equally to blame as those who I've crossed paths with...
wait... no, Zac IS the biggest douche I've ever known, and so
is Thom. Sita and Michelle put me through the most abuse
I've known since my mother... all Scorpios, go figure...
except Thom, but I never did get along too well with
other Capricorns either.
The point is, while there have been injustices, I can either continue
to let it eat me up, become more and more bitter, become more
suspicious of people who I wonder are friends (because they
either collect my ex's like a wannabe bum who eats just fine,
but follows you to eat your left overs because they were yours
at one point, or because they claim neutrality, yet blatantly favor
your ex's over you, or any other number of reasons), or I can
simply follow the example of removing myself from the equation,
close borders, and keep my life more local and with much less
pixels, and enjoy my life again.
I miss having the vivid dreams I used to have involving
levitation and/or my dream guide... I miss my imagination,
which has been replaced by petty arguments online and
my mind and heart being filled with questioning the virtue
of who I am because someone else can't be mature and
has to make you feel like less of a person because they
can't admit their own injustices done to you, yet continue
to want forgiveness and acceptance from you.
Being the bigger man is severely overrated.
Since changing my demeanor from more submissive in my
teens, to more assertive and non-bullshit in my 20's, I've
lost a lot of friends. They probably weren't friends to begin
with, since they couldn't respect my growth. However, I
should probably tone down the brutal truth more, since not
everyone can handle it.
Reminds me of a quote :
"Certain souls may seem harsh to others - but it is a way,
unbeknownst to them, of caring and feeling more deeply".
While it is a lot to consider, I can't help but think to myself how
much fewer problems most people had before the internet, or
at least before major social networking sites like MySpace and
FaceBook. That is why I've been giving serious thought to
deleting my FB account.
Yes, I acknowledge the internet and smart phones, etc., have
made our lives easier in many ways. Just making sure I got
that point in there in case some smart ass troll wants to add
a dipshit comment for the sake of arguing who thinks we all
aren't aware of that fact, and their "shining" individuality is
serving its purpose by reminding us all of it. Yeah, gtfo.
Call me nostalgic, but I really miss the days before big social networks.
I really miss when people actually got together and did things. Instead
of WoW (which I am also quitting), I miss when people got together
for D&D. I miss when people went camping, or on road trips, or just
in general did things together in real life and built real trust. I miss when
people who had REAL talent didn't need the internet to make overly
repetitive songs and auto-tune to become famous.
It's nice to be able to meet people around the world, share ideas, and
explore the world before going somewhere and have everything instant...
but that has also dwindled many of our better Human qualities, like
patience and understanding, the ability to do something for yourself,
and the maturity to have a whole adult conversation about something
that matters without some idiot trolling you because they can hide
behind pixels, or hiding from important obligations just because
you can close your phone or laptop or walk away from the
computer.
I am also tired of people who I added only because I appreciate
something about their art or expression, who might as well be 3,000+
miles away, who suddenly think they have a right to judge you or add
their 2 cents on your thoughts and cut you down. I like LJ because
you can make custom friends filters to put a stop to that kind of
nonsense.
While 90% of my relationship experience hasn't been the best, the
ones I met through the internet were the worst. I'm grateful that
the person I am romantically involved with now I met in person
and got to know her a bit before things took their course, and get
this - without ANY internet except to make her smile while she's
at work by posting something funny on her page.
I like that most of our time together, she and I spend laughing and
getting out and doing things, like hiking and having picnics, and
sharing wonderful food while watching something we both enjoy,
and yes, even making fun of idiots online who treat it like it's
their only life.
I miss having more happiness in my life.
And in order for me to truly transform, I must cut out the
cancer that has been largely responsible for how I've allowed
myself to change for the worse - most things internet, and
exchanging that for appreciating real life, real people, no
pixels, and actually living and shedding myself of the petty
bullshit people give each other online, and past relationships
that should be left in the past, and even more that never
should have began (like the aforementioned examples).
The only reason I keep my LJ is it's easier and doesn't cost
as much as buying an actual journal to write in, and for those
who have a brain to exchange thoughts with. I have email
for everyone else, and those who know me well enough have
my cell number. Only other thing I will continue to use the
internet for us news, looking up something like recipes, and
of course music and media (tv shows and movies).
So, here goes.
"Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
Passion chokes the flower
Till she cries no more
Possesing all the beauty
Hungry still for more
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
I can't help this loning
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe"
full of negative, but true,
information.
About ex's, about so-called
friends, about the wrongs
that have been done to me,
about things I would do or
have done unless I get my
stuff back...
Instead, I pulled myself away,
and began this.
All of us suffer in one way or another.
Or, as REM would say :
Click to viewA lot of it is self-inflicted.
A lot of it is done by others.
We're all damaged goods.
Beyond the words, the actions, the hurt, the hate,
and beyond all injustices, we are simply all flawed
people, trying to do what we feel is best for ourselves
and those who mean most. It especially hurts when
those who mean most to us make us feel betrayed.
We learn.
Some of us become stronger,
some of us become more cold,
some of us become more cunning
and vengeful.
In the end, we all do things as defense
against making the same mistakes.
What I'm getting at here is something I realized as I
looked back through my LJ entries and various memories
from the last 5-6 years. While there were a ton of great
memories and fun times with people who I've crossed
paths with, for the most part, I felt like a failure.
Because instead of do something more to get ahead in
life, I've wasted it, making silly sacrifices for the sake
of love and thinking I could support those I cared about
in the romantic sense, only to end up drowning.
Entry after entry, I thought all about the
should've, could've, and would've's.
While I've more often tried to make my decisions based on
what felt right at the time, reassuring myself that I should
live without regrets because of that state of mind, I guess
we all can't help but reflect upon our past and wonder if
we've really done the best we could.
Sometimes, when I re-read some of the old messages I've
sent to ex's (relationship partners/lovers and friends alike
who have taken me for granted), I ask myself if I'm a bad
person. Sure, there were some things I could have held
back, or not been so harsh... but then I remember how I
felt and how much they were ignoring my feelings, and all
I could respond with was fighting fire with fire.
I have lost so much of the patience I used to have.
I have lost how enchanted I once was with life.
I have lost the ability to trust.
I take some solace in reassuring myself that I am not
a bad person for the fact that animals love me. Animals
have a much keener sense of someone with good or bad
intentions, and generally, they like me more often than
most people.
I am as equally to blame as those who I've crossed paths with...
wait... no, Zac IS the biggest douche I've ever known, and so
is Thom. Sita and Michelle put me through the most abuse
I've known since my mother... all Scorpios, go figure...
except Thom, but I never did get along too well with
other Capricorns either.
The point is, while there have been injustices, I can either continue
to let it eat me up, become more and more bitter, become more
suspicious of people who I wonder are friends (because they
either collect my ex's like a wannabe bum who eats just fine,
but follows you to eat your left overs because they were yours
at one point, or because they claim neutrality, yet blatantly favor
your ex's over you, or any other number of reasons), or I can
simply follow the example of removing myself from the equation,
close borders, and keep my life more local and with much less
pixels, and enjoy my life again.
I miss having the vivid dreams I used to have involving
levitation and/or my dream guide... I miss my imagination,
which has been replaced by petty arguments online and
my mind and heart being filled with questioning the virtue
of who I am because someone else can't be mature and
has to make you feel like less of a person because they
can't admit their own injustices done to you, yet continue
to want forgiveness and acceptance from you.
Being the bigger man is severely overrated.
Since changing my demeanor from more submissive in my
teens, to more assertive and non-bullshit in my 20's, I've
lost a lot of friends. They probably weren't friends to begin
with, since they couldn't respect my growth. However, I
should probably tone down the brutal truth more, since not
everyone can handle it.
Reminds me of a quote :
"Certain souls may seem harsh to others - but it is a way,
unbeknownst to them, of caring and feeling more deeply".
While it is a lot to consider, I can't help but think to myself how
much fewer problems most people had before the internet, or
at least before major social networking sites like MySpace and
FaceBook. That is why I've been giving serious thought to
deleting my FB account.
Yes, I acknowledge the internet and smart phones, etc., have
made our lives easier in many ways. Just making sure I got
that point in there in case some smart ass troll wants to add
a dipshit comment for the sake of arguing who thinks we all
aren't aware of that fact, and their "shining" individuality is
serving its purpose by reminding us all of it. Yeah, gtfo.
Call me nostalgic, but I really miss the days before big social networks.
I really miss when people actually got together and did things. Instead
of WoW (which I am also quitting), I miss when people got together
for D&D. I miss when people went camping, or on road trips, or just
in general did things together in real life and built real trust. I miss when
people who had REAL talent didn't need the internet to make overly
repetitive songs and auto-tune to become famous.
It's nice to be able to meet people around the world, share ideas, and
explore the world before going somewhere and have everything instant...
but that has also dwindled many of our better Human qualities, like
patience and understanding, the ability to do something for yourself,
and the maturity to have a whole adult conversation about something
that matters without some idiot trolling you because they can hide
behind pixels, or hiding from important obligations just because
you can close your phone or laptop or walk away from the
computer.
I am also tired of people who I added only because I appreciate
something about their art or expression, who might as well be 3,000+
miles away, who suddenly think they have a right to judge you or add
their 2 cents on your thoughts and cut you down. I like LJ because
you can make custom friends filters to put a stop to that kind of
nonsense.
While 90% of my relationship experience hasn't been the best, the
ones I met through the internet were the worst. I'm grateful that
the person I am romantically involved with now I met in person
and got to know her a bit before things took their course, and get
this - without ANY internet except to make her smile while she's
at work by posting something funny on her page.
I like that most of our time together, she and I spend laughing and
getting out and doing things, like hiking and having picnics, and
sharing wonderful food while watching something we both enjoy,
and yes, even making fun of idiots online who treat it like it's
their only life.
I miss having more happiness in my life.
And in order for me to truly transform, I must cut out the
cancer that has been largely responsible for how I've allowed
myself to change for the worse - most things internet, and
exchanging that for appreciating real life, real people, no
pixels, and actually living and shedding myself of the petty
bullshit people give each other online, and past relationships
that should be left in the past, and even more that never
should have began (like the aforementioned examples).
The only reason I keep my LJ is it's easier and doesn't cost
as much as buying an actual journal to write in, and for those
who have a brain to exchange thoughts with. I have email
for everyone else, and those who know me well enough have
my cell number. Only other thing I will continue to use the
internet for us news, looking up something like recipes, and
of course music and media (tv shows and movies).
So, here goes.
"Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
Passion chokes the flower
Till she cries no more
Possesing all the beauty
Hungry still for more
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe
I can't help this loning
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe"