2012; The End of the Beginning
I believe this year will be a break in my traditional cycle
wherein I give a month-by-month summary of the past year.
Though I suppose an explanation as to why may be necessary.
This is mainly because aside from my visits with Moriah,
and other major events such as moving back to CO, there
really isn't much else in between to speak of other than
the usual process of work, eat, sleep, bathe, do laundry,
go shopping... the usual.
Don't get me wrong, the times I do get to get away and make
truly epic memories I will always hold dear, and often go
back to in my entries to re-live it.
Nostalgia
I must admit, that despite feeling triumphant without remorse
for choosing to kick many people out of my life who truly
deserved it without a backward glance, in what has become my
day to day life, I have truly missed what it once was.
If you, reader, believe I would not feel this way if I had not
left Florida, I'm sorry to inform you, that is incorrect. I
felt the very same way in FL, but on top of that, as if I were
just waiting for the bomb of shattered friendship to go off.
I had just as little adventure there, and just as much
stagnancy, and a hell of a lot more, at that.
'Suppose what I really long for are those thriving, adventurous
days of my teens-early 20's. I miss when myself and those I called
friend saw the world as fresh, new, and ready to explore. I miss
when, just because we could and knew someone with a car, we would
stay over at a friend's house whose parent(s) weren't strict or
were rarely there, stay up all night, go out driving in the late
hours of the night. It didn't matter where we went most of the
time; just that we were getting out, even if to kidnap other
friends or stop at a 24-hour place for food and drink or just
because it was open and we could.
I miss when the problems in the world were the last things on
our minds, and when the friends you had weren't afraid of their
own shadows because of all the bad things that have happened to
them to push everyone away. I miss when my peers had the mentality
of "fuck it, I just want to get out and have fun!", instead of
thinking more about needing to keep to a bullshit conformist
schedule.
I'm not saying I don't want to grow up... more than anything,
I want to find my dream career and become successful and have
a sizable income. I just don't think it should be treated like
a funeral or have a fun dampener put on it just because we're
all getting older and often have to deal with the bullshit of
other people who have allowed the years to mold them into a
stuck up cunt, void of a heart.
Is it so much to ask to want to live again?
Hell, even just to have my own vehicle again
and be able to make a custom burned music cd
just so I can go driving around late at night
when no one else is on the road, letting the
road steer my imagination and take me to all
sorts of different places and people I know?
Looking Forward
This entry, I hope, has not ended up being too depressing.
For there really is much I have to look forward to, rather
than continue mourning times long gone.
I have had a few memorable times since moving here, such as
despite the reason behind needing to avoid being home, I did
get the chance to, on an inspirational whim, walk about 10
miles total from the 29th street mall in Boulder all the way
to the Flatiron foothills for a hike into the mountains...
Or the times here and there when Sunny, Liz, and I would take
a drive out into the mountains to do some exploring or picture
taking...
And last, but certainly not least, and probably best,
the memories from when Moriah visited me here :
Oddly, as much as I do enjoy the Winter and snow-covered landscape,
since I've been out West again, I look forward to the warmer months.
Spring will be lovely, and Summer is actually enjoyable here, let
alone my favorite season of Autumn.
In conclusion, though I have yet to feel like this is home, I know
it has only time to tell and take root. I am certain with time, I
will meet more people, even get to go out places with them, and
hopefully even meet up again with my distant friends in Denver,
as well as those in Denver I call my "fellow Floridian refugees"
who have also moved here, seeking a new, better home.
For now, I pack and prepare myself in great anticipation of
visiting Moriah, taking in the charm of the Northeast, meeting
up with friends again who I have met there, as well as meeting
for the first time new friends I greatly look up to.
... And I couldn't think of any better way to start a new year.
"I've seen it watching me
That misty thing
Without a face
It weaves my thoughts
Lined them up in black lace
It buries my shape
And leaves no trace
Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever
felt alone like this..."
wherein I give a month-by-month summary of the past year.
Though I suppose an explanation as to why may be necessary.
This is mainly because aside from my visits with Moriah,
and other major events such as moving back to CO, there
really isn't much else in between to speak of other than
the usual process of work, eat, sleep, bathe, do laundry,
go shopping... the usual.
Don't get me wrong, the times I do get to get away and make
truly epic memories I will always hold dear, and often go
back to in my entries to re-live it.
Nostalgia
I must admit, that despite feeling triumphant without remorse
for choosing to kick many people out of my life who truly
deserved it without a backward glance, in what has become my
day to day life, I have truly missed what it once was.
If you, reader, believe I would not feel this way if I had not
left Florida, I'm sorry to inform you, that is incorrect. I
felt the very same way in FL, but on top of that, as if I were
just waiting for the bomb of shattered friendship to go off.
I had just as little adventure there, and just as much
stagnancy, and a hell of a lot more, at that.
'Suppose what I really long for are those thriving, adventurous
days of my teens-early 20's. I miss when myself and those I called
friend saw the world as fresh, new, and ready to explore. I miss
when, just because we could and knew someone with a car, we would
stay over at a friend's house whose parent(s) weren't strict or
were rarely there, stay up all night, go out driving in the late
hours of the night. It didn't matter where we went most of the
time; just that we were getting out, even if to kidnap other
friends or stop at a 24-hour place for food and drink or just
because it was open and we could.
I miss when the problems in the world were the last things on
our minds, and when the friends you had weren't afraid of their
own shadows because of all the bad things that have happened to
them to push everyone away. I miss when my peers had the mentality
of "fuck it, I just want to get out and have fun!", instead of
thinking more about needing to keep to a bullshit conformist
schedule.
I'm not saying I don't want to grow up... more than anything,
I want to find my dream career and become successful and have
a sizable income. I just don't think it should be treated like
a funeral or have a fun dampener put on it just because we're
all getting older and often have to deal with the bullshit of
other people who have allowed the years to mold them into a
stuck up cunt, void of a heart.
Is it so much to ask to want to live again?
Hell, even just to have my own vehicle again
and be able to make a custom burned music cd
just so I can go driving around late at night
when no one else is on the road, letting the
road steer my imagination and take me to all
sorts of different places and people I know?
Looking Forward
This entry, I hope, has not ended up being too depressing.
For there really is much I have to look forward to, rather
than continue mourning times long gone.
I have had a few memorable times since moving here, such as
despite the reason behind needing to avoid being home, I did
get the chance to, on an inspirational whim, walk about 10
miles total from the 29th street mall in Boulder all the way
to the Flatiron foothills for a hike into the mountains...
Or the times here and there when Sunny, Liz, and I would take
a drive out into the mountains to do some exploring or picture
taking...
And last, but certainly not least, and probably best,
the memories from when Moriah visited me here :
Oddly, as much as I do enjoy the Winter and snow-covered landscape,
since I've been out West again, I look forward to the warmer months.
Spring will be lovely, and Summer is actually enjoyable here, let
alone my favorite season of Autumn.
In conclusion, though I have yet to feel like this is home, I know
it has only time to tell and take root. I am certain with time, I
will meet more people, even get to go out places with them, and
hopefully even meet up again with my distant friends in Denver,
as well as those in Denver I call my "fellow Floridian refugees"
who have also moved here, seeking a new, better home.
For now, I pack and prepare myself in great anticipation of
visiting Moriah, taking in the charm of the Northeast, meeting
up with friends again who I have met there, as well as meeting
for the first time new friends I greatly look up to.
... And I couldn't think of any better way to start a new year.
Click to view"I've seen it watching me
That misty thing
Without a face
It weaves my thoughts
Lined them up in black lace
It buries my shape
And leaves no trace
Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever
felt alone like this..."