Coming out
I can't wait until I can come out... as a human being. As someone who deserves to have free time, to see music, take walks, chill, daydream.
I know I am spoiled compared to 9/10 of the world -- or maybe that's what I am supposed to think, "they" want me to think. In fact, I have lived for months in the mountains of Nepal, and those people have plenty of time to think, to daydream, to talk with their friends and neighbors. They walk on a trail, take a few minutes talking when they come across someone, work in the fields, but take a nap whenever they want... income is low in dollar, but higher than mine in happiness.
I could have gone to Truth Serum at Milky Way last night, I could have gone to a free brass band which was reportedly "so great" in Harvard Square, but... I was checking out a trailer to buy as a house (I didn't buy it) and I was making maps for OAB, and on Saturday morning, when I should have checked out the trailer (it's the time for things like that) I was working on Stephen's condo because the deadline is approaching and I am rushing it to get finished.
Okay, so I have to be conscious that I am still sacrificing. Sacrifice mode to make money right now.
Music will still happen after this job is finished, and things will still go on -- there will be another turth serum thing in 3 months, there will be brass bands in October (Honk!) and things will happen.
But in the present, my inner child or my soul or whatever likes fun (me) is crying, whining, and saying "Hey, what about me!!!" And I can't blame it. I am tired of this shit life. I mean, I have it okay but I don't have happiness or peace of mind.
Thoreau said famously "Simplfy" and to keep no more accounts than you can keep on your thumbnail. I would be wise to dump a lot of stuff...
If only it weren't for reality. Debt, money, expensive.... I need to figure out the life that will work for less money, or a way to make more money... that's why I was buying a trailer, but in the short term, I don't have the time to invest for that long-term gain of being rent-free.
I am in many catch-22's but they all really boil down to being capital-poor.
I have ideas, I don't want to work for the Man, but yet I don't have the capital to actually do them. I probably would blow through capital anyway, so I am probably not ready for it. Right now I feel like I need time... space... travel on the cheap, seeing some beautiful nature and having time to think.
But every day, it's Go Go Go, I end up being tired, I end up drinking a few beers or smoking a little to try to relax, and that is another one of those Catch-22's because it affects my sleep and makes me a little more tired the next day, and more frazzled... I need the natural kind of relaxation that happens when you have some time with nothing to do.
And I need to play some music with people. I need to do that.
I had something going this year with Lauren, but guess what? I ruined it because I didn't have time. Well, she also could not really flow and kept stopping all the time, couldn't just make a mistake and continue. But yeah, I could be playing with a lot of people if I had the time...
I just watched a video by Eckhart Tolle about the power of being in the moment. But I don't feel like I have the time, if I have to be producing. I mean, I get to work and Sergio wants to talk about his life, love, etc... and I am okay for a couple minutes and then I start thinking, Sergio we're on the clock, we have to be producing.
----- postscript -----
After all of that, I must remember that there are music festivals all the time. They just take more or less effort to go to them, and more or less money. The one thing they all take is time. They take me, being, in time, patiently, not thinking I have to be somewhere else, so that I can't hear the music.
After all of that, as well, I am seeing The Points North on Thursday in JP. I have liked them for so long and I never saw them yet. Chris works in JP Licks.
I know I am spoiled compared to 9/10 of the world -- or maybe that's what I am supposed to think, "they" want me to think. In fact, I have lived for months in the mountains of Nepal, and those people have plenty of time to think, to daydream, to talk with their friends and neighbors. They walk on a trail, take a few minutes talking when they come across someone, work in the fields, but take a nap whenever they want... income is low in dollar, but higher than mine in happiness.
I could have gone to Truth Serum at Milky Way last night, I could have gone to a free brass band which was reportedly "so great" in Harvard Square, but... I was checking out a trailer to buy as a house (I didn't buy it) and I was making maps for OAB, and on Saturday morning, when I should have checked out the trailer (it's the time for things like that) I was working on Stephen's condo because the deadline is approaching and I am rushing it to get finished.
Okay, so I have to be conscious that I am still sacrificing. Sacrifice mode to make money right now.
Music will still happen after this job is finished, and things will still go on -- there will be another turth serum thing in 3 months, there will be brass bands in October (Honk!) and things will happen.
But in the present, my inner child or my soul or whatever likes fun (me) is crying, whining, and saying "Hey, what about me!!!" And I can't blame it. I am tired of this shit life. I mean, I have it okay but I don't have happiness or peace of mind.
Thoreau said famously "Simplfy" and to keep no more accounts than you can keep on your thumbnail. I would be wise to dump a lot of stuff...
If only it weren't for reality. Debt, money, expensive.... I need to figure out the life that will work for less money, or a way to make more money... that's why I was buying a trailer, but in the short term, I don't have the time to invest for that long-term gain of being rent-free.
I am in many catch-22's but they all really boil down to being capital-poor.
I have ideas, I don't want to work for the Man, but yet I don't have the capital to actually do them. I probably would blow through capital anyway, so I am probably not ready for it. Right now I feel like I need time... space... travel on the cheap, seeing some beautiful nature and having time to think.
But every day, it's Go Go Go, I end up being tired, I end up drinking a few beers or smoking a little to try to relax, and that is another one of those Catch-22's because it affects my sleep and makes me a little more tired the next day, and more frazzled... I need the natural kind of relaxation that happens when you have some time with nothing to do.
And I need to play some music with people. I need to do that.
I had something going this year with Lauren, but guess what? I ruined it because I didn't have time. Well, she also could not really flow and kept stopping all the time, couldn't just make a mistake and continue. But yeah, I could be playing with a lot of people if I had the time...
I just watched a video by Eckhart Tolle about the power of being in the moment. But I don't feel like I have the time, if I have to be producing. I mean, I get to work and Sergio wants to talk about his life, love, etc... and I am okay for a couple minutes and then I start thinking, Sergio we're on the clock, we have to be producing.
----- postscript -----
After all of that, I must remember that there are music festivals all the time. They just take more or less effort to go to them, and more or less money. The one thing they all take is time. They take me, being, in time, patiently, not thinking I have to be somewhere else, so that I can't hear the music.
After all of that, as well, I am seeing The Points North on Thursday in JP. I have liked them for so long and I never saw them yet. Chris works in JP Licks.