The ever slow process of things becoming real
As I prepare for the RSCC interview, which is a fancy way of saying another hoop to jump through for my ordination process to ministry, I reread something I wrote in college. It brought me to tears when I realized I was in the process of ministry becoming true. I am still as ever in love with my faith, and as ever thankful for the opportunities that have brought me along this journey.
Love.
I know I don’t really understand it, and I probably never will. There is still so much about it I can’t figure out, and I don’t know what to do about that.
But this much I know. You may never be able to tell when other love you, but you know when you love someone or something else.
So I don’t care if I end up alone. I don’t care if I have sleepless nights, or mornings when it hardly feels worth it to get up. Or if I go through dozens of what seems like empty friendships, and really tough funerals, or watching people I love pass through my life. Days when I cry and there are no shoulders to cry on. Days when I feel weighted and bogged down from everyone’s demands. Days when I flip out and have a mini break down, throw up my hands and lock myself in a room to breathe. Days when I just don’t want to see that sunshine, because no matter how much the little voice says look on the bright side of life or take the new day, there’s not enough chocolate and that song was stupid anyway
I don’t care what is taken from me. If I have to change my views about dealing with people. If I have to change my expectations. If I have to learn how to go through counseling, or if I have go through counseling myself. If I have to speak differently or look different. If I have to pack up and go somewhere. Even if I have to love differently.
For what doesn’t one do for love?
Some would say this foolishness, others complete selfishness. I don’t know about that. Some would say this is crazy - I agree. But I can’t help it. I love my faith. Isn’t that what faith is anyway? Faith is to believe in something - love is to trust, believe in something/someone. I love the reasons of why I find life worth living. I love the reasons that bring me to see the greatness in the people around me, the beauty in the earth and splendor in the skies. I love the blessings that existence has granted me. I love the power existence has given me, so that I may continually manifest, shift and grow along with the strife of searching for truth. I love the greatness I see in all of humanity, and the power I see there along with the great possibility of being able to change for the better.
When you make a commitment to love something over a long period of time, sometimes its easy to forget the reasons. But they come flooding back like memory. I might not always have the days when I wake up and am awed by the sunlight and the possibility of life I have been given. I might not always have the time to see the “spark” of possibility and dignity in a stranger. Most of all, I might not always have the patience or forgiveness to see the possibility of goodness and the power to change to goodness in another person. But it is all here with me, an unending yet ever changing aspect of myself. The vows still stay, and a day without it wouldn’t be worth it.
So I don’t care. I’m doing this, for now, for always - leading myself down an unknown path of faith, taking the risk of commitment to it, and seeing where it leads me. There will be days when I want to rip my promises from my chest, and days when I clutch it ever thankful. But I cannot envision my life, ever being a life at all, if I do not do this. Who would I be? Who?
Half of this I don’t understand. To me it is selfish, incredibly, to build your life doing what you love. I have really no reasons of self-sacrifice, no could there be - no human can be a saint. There is nothing special about me that makes me think I can lead people in any way, and I don’t see myself as a leader, but just a person in the midst of grace and possibility. Of life, existence, and common human compassion.
But what I do know, I love it. May I always remember that, for from now on its no more happily ever after, no more half-smiles, great revelations, perfect understandings, pedestals, great red hair and a beautiful voice.
No more fairy tales.
This is going to be hard, personal . . .
. . . and finally real.
Love.
I know I don’t really understand it, and I probably never will. There is still so much about it I can’t figure out, and I don’t know what to do about that.
But this much I know. You may never be able to tell when other love you, but you know when you love someone or something else.
So I don’t care if I end up alone. I don’t care if I have sleepless nights, or mornings when it hardly feels worth it to get up. Or if I go through dozens of what seems like empty friendships, and really tough funerals, or watching people I love pass through my life. Days when I cry and there are no shoulders to cry on. Days when I feel weighted and bogged down from everyone’s demands. Days when I flip out and have a mini break down, throw up my hands and lock myself in a room to breathe. Days when I just don’t want to see that sunshine, because no matter how much the little voice says look on the bright side of life or take the new day, there’s not enough chocolate and that song was stupid anyway
I don’t care what is taken from me. If I have to change my views about dealing with people. If I have to change my expectations. If I have to learn how to go through counseling, or if I have go through counseling myself. If I have to speak differently or look different. If I have to pack up and go somewhere. Even if I have to love differently.
For what doesn’t one do for love?
Some would say this foolishness, others complete selfishness. I don’t know about that. Some would say this is crazy - I agree. But I can’t help it. I love my faith. Isn’t that what faith is anyway? Faith is to believe in something - love is to trust, believe in something/someone. I love the reasons of why I find life worth living. I love the reasons that bring me to see the greatness in the people around me, the beauty in the earth and splendor in the skies. I love the blessings that existence has granted me. I love the power existence has given me, so that I may continually manifest, shift and grow along with the strife of searching for truth. I love the greatness I see in all of humanity, and the power I see there along with the great possibility of being able to change for the better.
When you make a commitment to love something over a long period of time, sometimes its easy to forget the reasons. But they come flooding back like memory. I might not always have the days when I wake up and am awed by the sunlight and the possibility of life I have been given. I might not always have the time to see the “spark” of possibility and dignity in a stranger. Most of all, I might not always have the patience or forgiveness to see the possibility of goodness and the power to change to goodness in another person. But it is all here with me, an unending yet ever changing aspect of myself. The vows still stay, and a day without it wouldn’t be worth it.
So I don’t care. I’m doing this, for now, for always - leading myself down an unknown path of faith, taking the risk of commitment to it, and seeing where it leads me. There will be days when I want to rip my promises from my chest, and days when I clutch it ever thankful. But I cannot envision my life, ever being a life at all, if I do not do this. Who would I be? Who?
Half of this I don’t understand. To me it is selfish, incredibly, to build your life doing what you love. I have really no reasons of self-sacrifice, no could there be - no human can be a saint. There is nothing special about me that makes me think I can lead people in any way, and I don’t see myself as a leader, but just a person in the midst of grace and possibility. Of life, existence, and common human compassion.
But what I do know, I love it. May I always remember that, for from now on its no more happily ever after, no more half-smiles, great revelations, perfect understandings, pedestals, great red hair and a beautiful voice.
No more fairy tales.
This is going to be hard, personal . . .
. . . and finally real.