Grieving Sage and Aaron
Haven't posted in here for a while, but I felt like writing this today. It's another emotionally rambling piece:
Some days I mourn for Aaron Kindle and Sage. Not really because of their love affair, but because I worked so hard to be this prolific and imaginative writer about love, and nothing I wrote was right. I had everything wrong. I worked so hard to describe my fears my desires my deepest hopes, and nothing was ever like it seemed. Trust me, I am grateful. Love has changed and touched my life in all the wonderful ways I never expected. But sometimes I am sad that I don’t even feel like turning a page of my old writing. I was wrong. I was so concerned and concentrated on discovering someone who would know my faith and al the joy it gives to me as much as myself - that I would fall in love with someone like me enough to challenge me, and force me to grow, but to know what my faith is like. I found someone who challenges me but supports me who loves me and grows me, who makes me so much more than myself, someone who even understands my faith, but it is nothing like what I thought it would be. There’s no mountain top, there’s no grand celebration, there’s no rush of joy. There is coffee and comfort, and good days, and annoying days, and a whole silent life that isn’t romanticized on a book page but is beautiful and full and filled with creeping transformative happiness. Yet, it is nothing of which I imagined before. I hunted after this ridiculous individualistic lust of my own faith journey reflected back at me in a heterosexual idealization of “mountain of strength”. What really happens, is the slow, painful, almost crazy driving change of evolutionary self, that opens my heart wider and more vulnerable than before so that only thing that can happen is the creeping in of love, self, and happiness. It wasn’t a love that instantly swept me off my feet. It wasn’t a mountain top experience I hoped for when I realized who I truly was. It was painful, and hard, and confusing, and slow - but I changed for the better, for the beautiful growth of my heart. And I am ever thankful. Ever blessed, ever knowing the peace I have been given. Love has changed me, no man, no Sage, no ridiculous faith claim - love. As silent and deadly as them all. I just get angry that I hadn’t figured out love then, when I was working so hard to create this perfect model in the science of my lonely desperate need to dream of something better than myself.
With love, at the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and your split open vulnerable terrifying beating heart.
That’s it - the end of the story. No violence, no sunset, no intensely charged moment that erases all doubt. Simply you, with all of the insecurities, knowledge, change, pain, and growth you have.
So I’m done with fairytales. They never worked for me, or my faith, or my understanding of God’s grace. No more romance novels. I am ready for the blessed breaking down of all the categories in my mind, to the unveiling of the delicacy of knowing my full and still beating heart.
So I grieve for now, Aaron and Sage you were lovely and inspiring companions who helped me grow in high school and beyond. But their spirit has given away to something better that the ideals I saw in them - reality.
Some days I mourn for Aaron Kindle and Sage. Not really because of their love affair, but because I worked so hard to be this prolific and imaginative writer about love, and nothing I wrote was right. I had everything wrong. I worked so hard to describe my fears my desires my deepest hopes, and nothing was ever like it seemed. Trust me, I am grateful. Love has changed and touched my life in all the wonderful ways I never expected. But sometimes I am sad that I don’t even feel like turning a page of my old writing. I was wrong. I was so concerned and concentrated on discovering someone who would know my faith and al the joy it gives to me as much as myself - that I would fall in love with someone like me enough to challenge me, and force me to grow, but to know what my faith is like. I found someone who challenges me but supports me who loves me and grows me, who makes me so much more than myself, someone who even understands my faith, but it is nothing like what I thought it would be. There’s no mountain top, there’s no grand celebration, there’s no rush of joy. There is coffee and comfort, and good days, and annoying days, and a whole silent life that isn’t romanticized on a book page but is beautiful and full and filled with creeping transformative happiness. Yet, it is nothing of which I imagined before. I hunted after this ridiculous individualistic lust of my own faith journey reflected back at me in a heterosexual idealization of “mountain of strength”. What really happens, is the slow, painful, almost crazy driving change of evolutionary self, that opens my heart wider and more vulnerable than before so that only thing that can happen is the creeping in of love, self, and happiness. It wasn’t a love that instantly swept me off my feet. It wasn’t a mountain top experience I hoped for when I realized who I truly was. It was painful, and hard, and confusing, and slow - but I changed for the better, for the beautiful growth of my heart. And I am ever thankful. Ever blessed, ever knowing the peace I have been given. Love has changed me, no man, no Sage, no ridiculous faith claim - love. As silent and deadly as them all. I just get angry that I hadn’t figured out love then, when I was working so hard to create this perfect model in the science of my lonely desperate need to dream of something better than myself.
With love, at the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and your split open vulnerable terrifying beating heart.
That’s it - the end of the story. No violence, no sunset, no intensely charged moment that erases all doubt. Simply you, with all of the insecurities, knowledge, change, pain, and growth you have.
So I’m done with fairytales. They never worked for me, or my faith, or my understanding of God’s grace. No more romance novels. I am ready for the blessed breaking down of all the categories in my mind, to the unveiling of the delicacy of knowing my full and still beating heart.
So I grieve for now, Aaron and Sage you were lovely and inspiring companions who helped me grow in high school and beyond. But their spirit has given away to something better that the ideals I saw in them - reality.