(no subject)
I’ve been off the band wagon for the last month.
It’s weird how my life is so harshly split in two: with people, and without. It’s hard to break the bad habit of seeing life in black-and-whites, when that’s how it currently is playing out. Maybe if I could see friends and loved ones more regularly, it wouldn’t be this 110%-life-goals-derailing experience, where I spend the next week exhausted and feeding into every temptation and exercise 0 willpower. Maybe if I saw people regularly, it would be easier to take it easier; I wouldn’t have to compromise my goals for the sake of ‘having to take advantage of the moment’ constantly. I wouldn’t be so drained, from the 0-60 that is social situations, when you’re wildly out of practice. Maybe if I liked my job, it wouldn’t make that part of every day such a struggle. Maybe if I wasn’t planning my exit almost every day, everything could feel more normal.
I brushed my teeth, and I flossed and mouthwashed. I cleaned up my room and threw away garbage. I opened the window, lit a candle and turned on a fan to coax in some fresh air, and break this stalemate. Tomorrow morning is back to 6:15 wakeups, and a 3-mike run and showering before work. A full day of work (I’ve called out the last two days) where I pack my lunch, and then home to wash my sheets and make a healthy dinner. It’s not much-it’s just living. But sometimes it feels like that’s all I have the energy for, that even just getting through the day is a struggle to find meaning and passion and drive. I’m ready to come home, to have the familiar around me. I miss English. I miss the feeling of pushing my career forward. I miss having a salary that let me be think about the future. I really, really miss my boyfriend. And my friends. It’s not far off, now, but that almost makes it worse, knowing how much I need to get done between now and then.
This year has done a number on me, I tell you what. I’ve spent a lot of time tearing myself apart, which had been good. I see more clearly what I don’t like and am cutting those bits away, and trying to foster what I like while adding new elements and approaches and attitudes in. But it’s exhausting, when every aspect of your life is work. There is so safe place to return to, I’m always on. Soon I can chalk up his experiment to the annals of time, and stop lying with a yes, or being truthful and making people uncomfortable with a no, when people ask if I’m having the time of my life. I’m just tired, and tired of being tired. I’ll get there.